M53

A life of misery or a little bit of happiness

July 23 2022

I ask you all Is it better to have a little bit of happiness in your life, or a life of misery and depression?. Know I most of you will frawn and look down on me and call me a whole heap of nasty names. Normally I would be one of you as well, disgusted and appalled that someone can do this to there partner. But here I am doing just that. Looking to play around behind my partners back. Now before you go all nasty on me, please let me explain why I'm here. Due to medical reasons, over the last 11 years my partner wasn't, and still isn't in a position to be intimate with me. At the beginning I was fine with it, I understood why and was accepting, but now after all these years I feel lonely, unwanted and get no appreciation for everything I do, as it's all about her. I have put my life on hold, let my health decline and let go of all my friends, so I can be there for her and support her, still nothing in return. I have talked to her about it several times and each time I ask for permission to explore outside our marriage, just so I can have a little be of happiness, and each time she said no, and just to be patient a little longer, as it will get better soon. To this date nothing has changed. Now you are probably saying why am I still with her then, why haven't I left her and start a fresh. The answer to that is simple "she has no where to go, no way to support herself or look after herself with all her issues". I still love her enough, that I won't kick her out onto the street. So I will ask again, now that you know why I'm here, "Do I live a life misery, or do I seek a little bit of happiness on here?"

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RHP User

2 years ago

Look after you. You deserve happiness too.

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RHP User

2 years ago

My answer - if you're looking for moral absolution from a bunch of internet strangers to cheat on your wife, then you will be disappointed. Your situation is sad and complicated but it is certainly not unique. It does not matter what your reasons are, there will be some who do not approve and if you make the decision to go outside your marriage then you should be prepared to accept that. You cannot persuade everyone to support your actions just as they no doubt cannot persuade you to feel otherwise about your situation. In the end you are the one who has to live with your actions and any potential consequences so you need to decide for yourself what you are ok with and own it.

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RHP User

2 years ago

Unless somebody on here replies with "I have a doctorate in psychology / expert in marriage counselling, please send me a note" you shouldn't take any advice in this forum. Best of luck mate. Seek proper help.

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ddlbm

2 years ago

Wouldn’t it make sense to use the services of an escort?

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Lostyanumber

2 years ago

My first suggestion is to go and see a working girl and get yourself laid. You will have then crossed the line.

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Ms_silk

2 years ago

Sounds like you may need to look into some care arrangements and respite. Your well being is important and if you don't take of yourself. Then you might end up unwell too. As far as the sex goes well we all need intimacy and it's normal to want it. Regular massage with happy ending might just brighten your day. Plus might be a mid ground you can live with.

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RHP User

2 years ago

You’re asking for absolution on an ethical problem where you’ve cornered yourself. You’ve said that there are only three outcomes to your situation. Throw your wife out and leave her destitute, continue to ‘suffer’ in silence, or cheat on your wife. There ARE other potential solutions to your situation as it is far from unique. And some have already been suggested to you in this thread. Absolution is not available to you. Nor should it be. 11 years is a long time to deal with a partner who has a physical impairment to intimacy, and other physical impediments. But there are millions of people around the world in relationships with people who are injured, ill or disabled, and with communication, therapy and support, they are still able to stay in that relationship and be happy. I have empathy for your situation. It sounds truly painful. But you aren’t the only one who is missing out in this scenario. She is as well. At a minimum, you need to seek aid from an Intimacy Coach.

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Cuckandhisqueen

2 years ago

11 years is a bloody long time… Sounds like the relationship is over and the friendship remains?? You’re already thinking that you have put your life on hold. Free yourself. Life is short lovely. It’s ok to want more. It’s ok to want joy and fulfilment. Whatever you choose, remember you do deserve connection, happiness and a bright future. No one has the right to judge. We haven’t walked in your shoes. Do what feels right.

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Kokoflamingo

2 years ago

"I still love her enough that I wont kick her out into the street". So its passed through your mind. I havent heard any compassion for your partner in this post, and I bet she feels awful that you are complaining that you cant get sex when she is now an invalid and probably never saw it coming. I can only imagine how she feels, the life she probably saw for you both gone because she became ill. I have a debilitating disease that wont improve, and if I had a partner and couldnt have sex Id have no problem with him getting it elsewhere. However, women are not all the same. As others have mentioned. an escort would probably be the least complicated answer. However, there have been a few " I need sex but my partner wont/cant" posts recently. Ill be shot down for this, but I dont see the point in a post which is a thinly veiled request for others telling you that you have a right to a sex life to make you feel better. Put on your big boys trousers and deal with it.

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FeistyFatty

2 years ago

This sounds like a very sad situation all around. For both you and your wife. Seek professional advice with a view to medication for your depression. You'll be surprised at how better your thinking and decision making is when you get that under control. Don't rush into a situation that you can't undo as you may very well regret it. Couples therapy sounds like an absolute necessity. Best of luck x

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2EssesExploring

2 years ago

This post makes me think of my mum. She has stayed in a marriage where she gets nothing and gives everything for over 30 years. She’s thought about leaving several times but always thought “I can’t leave him now, he wouldn’t cope”. Well now she’s spent half her life without any love and support. Sure he has some issues but it would be all ok if he just gave her the move and respect she deserves, she doesn’t even get that. Now he’s much older that her but still around to make sure she cannot enjoy even the later years of her life. So OP, it’s a hard one. We shouldn’t just dump people because they have serious issues but we also shouldn’t be slaves with no love given back either. I happen to be much older than my lovely wife and I’ve told her if I ever get like this to kindly knock me over the head and enjoy the life insurance. If I couldn’t keep her sexually satisfied I would be pushing her out the door on a Saturday night to go sow her wild oats. Life is never ideal and although some here might say that dishonesty is inexcusable, there are many times that you must do what you need to be able to continue supporting people who don’t support you. As for depression, meds may work but be careful, I was discussing this with my GP the other day, as a melancholic over thinker I wondered if that’s just my way or if these magic pills might make me as joyously hopeful as I was in my youth. He’s a research kinda doc and stated that success of antidepressants is around 5% compared to 3% for placebo. So you might be better to get some sugar pills and go out and get a nice hot root :)

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Freaky_Fun

2 years ago

This is your 3rd or 4th time posting a similar thing under a different profile name. You don't hear what you want then you delete the post. People haven't changed their mind just because you post under a different name and continue to change your circumstances. Just makes you look disingenuous.

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MsSuperFoxy

2 years ago

I get why you are here. It's a complex situation. If your partner has capacity, then you need to discuss this further with her (explain what you have exactly stated in your post.) If you can state it here, you can state it to her. By having a conversation I mean have an open raw, respectful conversation, search deep in your soul conversation and listen to each other. By that I mean actually listening and respecting each other's choices. If all else fails, then couple counselling would be the next step. Justifying yourself here, is going to confuse your feelings more, and cause a lot more resentment towards her. That's not fair on her. I wish you all the best. Ms Foxy

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A life of misery or a little bit of happiness

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