M40
An open discussion about open relationships
January 26 2012
Comments
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RHP User
13 years ago
I have been fortunate to have experienced the benefits of the open status of others' relationships, though I myself have yet to actively participate in one.I think it would suit me... I mentioned to my lover (just this morning) that I do not abide jealousy overly well... my compromise at this stage is to take lovers rather than partners, though I do notice lately a certain pining for "more".I miss intimacy, the sharing of things that are nothig to do with sex and/or the rush of learning a new body, the endorphin release, the thrill of passion... I find myself looking for something (someone) I can keep :P Someone I can share with... and I'm not just talking about the daily stuff ;)Summary: for, in theory :)
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RHP User
13 years ago
.........like to hear from couples that have been together for many years and have been swinging for over 20 years. I would like to know how they think and how they act. Any one can be monogamous for five or ten years it is easy (and many many do). All the stats have absolutely no meaning if people have only been together as a couple for such a short term. Two years is nothing. Five years is nothing. Ten years is maybe moving towards long term but still not there. Those of you who have been together such a short time and are swinging...all it says to someone like me is that you have no staying power and are somewhat self indulgent. l Where are the long term couples saying how wonderful thier life choices are? How thier marriage is better and stronger than ever for these decisions and by long term I do mean more than ten years of swinging and not just knowing each other for ten years. l Justjuice. I watched that doco as well. Guess what? The men that were studied were in thier mid 20's to 30 age group only and were all at university. Great group to study and not exactly a good cross section of the community was it? The stats were actually between 30% and 72% again, not very conclusive...as was pointed out repeatedly by the people doing the interveiw but I guess we only hear what we want to hear dont we? l No a swinging lifestyle would not suit me at all and even though I pay lip service to the "if your partner does not know or approve then it is cheating" theory, to me, and many others, sex outside of the marriage is just that. To all those about to jump down my throat. I was married, completely monogamously for over 20 years. My partner died in accident.
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RHP User
13 years ago
I love the idea of an open relationship, and would find it ideal. yet when you chat to guys about it there are 2 lines of thought ... woohoo bring it on, then you never meet them, or ... your just a dirty slut who needs to get her priorities right and again never meet... for obvious reasons. I was widowed 5 years ago and i miss having someone with me, but i know myself too well now and i know the idea of sharing with my partner or being able to play with a friend without repercutions would be exactly what i need
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RHP User
13 years ago
Question:For those in a really happy long termrelationship, how was it the first time you did it?
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RHP User
13 years ago
I think as long as you go into this sort of relationship completely aware of reality you will have a much better chance of making it work. Yes I do believe they can work very nicely but it's rare I think. Would this relationship be just as happy without opening it up? Will you be able to close it again if one decided that's what they wanted? WHY are you opening it up? Is there something lacking? Underlying problems? What rules will you make? Is it sex only or will there be an emotional relationship with the others you bring in? How will you consider each other and make sure that the other person is completely happy at every step? The list goes on and on, these are just a few questions that it may pay to answer honestly without fooling yourself or the other. Have fun xx
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RHP User
13 years ago
I have to agree with goodgrlzsayplz, ask yourself and your partner lots of questions before jumping in the deep end. As someone who's in a 'partially' open marriage, I have to say that honesty and open communication is paramount.This is my situation.I've been in a relationship with my wife for 18 years and I love her more than words can convey. She is currently seeing someone else who lives interstate. The problem is that she is extremely reluctant to allow me to explore outside our relationship whenever the topic comes up. In fact the conversation is usually switched to another subject in very short order.To be honest I have no idea what the true nature of their relationship is and whether they are even having sex at all because we only seem to talk in general terms about the situation, if it's discussed at all. There is the pretext of some sort of friendship between myself and the other guy but frankly, that's all it is - a pretext. He never initiates any personal contact with me and I have no desire or reason to talk or write to him.Before I get accused of having a double standard about this, yes, I did give my wife permission to play away from home and I have absolutely no problem with her having her own fun. Admittedly some unexpected jealousy issues on my part have come up and my wife has been very understanding and tolerate of that, but the problem is that the arrangement has changed into one where she is obviously the only one enjoying any of the benefits and her inability to recognise this fact.As for me, the only thing I've done in the last 18 years that could be considered 'playing away' is swapping photos and erotic chat with a lovely lady here on RHP. I haven't even kissed another woman in that time and have no intention of even doing that with out my wife's knowledge and permission; something that she has at times vehemently declared I will never have.My advice to anyone considering an open relationship is to discuss every possible issue you and your partner have before actually playing with others. You have to be completely comfortable with the idea of your partner having all the same freedoms you want for yourself.After the first time either partner has an encounter outside your relationship, talk about what happened and how the two of you are feeling about it. Don't avoid talking about subjects that make you uncomfortable. Speak honestly and openly. Be prepared to re-visit the conversation regularly and often.And most importantly, don't just assume that your partner is OK with everything. Ask them and make sure.
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RHP User
13 years ago
It was a ten minute interveiw with Tracy Grimshore who repeatedly pointed out the limitations of his survey methods which the person being interviewed kept brushing aside. But it still amazes me the justifications that people use. Goodgirlz has raised some very good questions. I dont think it is entirely feasible for people to be in a monogamous relationship for 50 or so years although some do. I do believe though that many get bored way to quickly and do not put the effort into sorting out what is wrong. Opening up the relationship to others appears to be a bandaid solution to many. A few other questions I would like to know is... How often do the couples play separately? How often would it seem to be too often? Assuming the average person wants sex approx 4 times a week, (I know it is often a lot more than this but we need a starting point for calculation and speculation) how often does s/he go to someone else for this? If s/he decides to play with the same person twice a week or has a standing playdate every week does this not count as a relationship in itself? How often before the insecurities begin to set in if this is the case? l Couples in open relationships do break up just as often as those in monogamous relationships
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bellajss
13 years ago
Quoting 'Handmaiden' .........like to hear from couples that have been together for many years and have been swinging for over 20 years. I would like to know how they think and how they act. Any one can be monogamous for five or ten years it is easy (and many many do).Handmaiden, we have been together for 21years and married for 16 years... we have partaken in an open relationship since before we said i do.. we have dabbled wiht swinging for all of our married life.. Due to life and family swinging and playing is not an every day occurance, but we do enjoy it when we can... We still have a great relationship... probably better than if we werent so open... because i fear one or both of us may revert to sneaking around and that isnt good for a marriage..
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RHP User
13 years ago
I'm not sure an open relationship indulges in 'Cheating' though it does seem to have a misplaced ideal of commitment. I imagine the female would find it easier to have more extra partners than the male (should she choose so). I have no other thoughts at this time except.... . Your strict catholic up-bringing you say is a current contributing factor....is in your past. . The fact your past contributes in any way today, is the interpretation you hold today about those past based event/s. Change that interpretation (you cannot change the past) and feel free of those happenings that constrain you.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'geronimo999' I have to agree with goodgrlzsayplz, ask yourself and your partner lots of questions before jumping in the deep end. As someone who's in a 'partially' open marriage, I have to say that honesty and open communication is paramount...... Geronimo999, great post and some very wise words there. There is one thing that does trouble me with your post. If it was written by the wife, with the husband having someone on the side but not letting the wife play, this thread would be full self professed indignant comments saying what an utter prick the husband was. But I suspect no one will make a comment about your wife as A: it is really none of their business; and B: there is a different paradigm here concerning married men playing up as against married women. Geronimo, I fully admire the love you have for your wife and sincerely hope everything works out.On the topic, I am not in a relationship at the moment and to be honest I don't think I could be part of an open relationship. I would be afraid of developing feelings for the 'other woman' that might over-ride my feelings for my partner. Sex may be one thing but love and intimacy is an entirely different matter.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Thanks for your comments mooka. I have to agree that there would be outrage being expressed here if I were a woman telling the same story. Just par for the course really. I'm confident that things will work out but I just need to remove any uncertainty that I'm feeling for my own sake. I'm sure my wife is feeling confused as well, in her own way.I should just take my own advice and have the 'We need to talk...' conversation as soon as possible.I also have to agree with MrandMrsErotic. I often have the odd daydream about having my own fun away from our marriage, basically doing the exact same thing my wife is doing, but I'm pretty sure that any appeal I've might have to the vast majority of available women would drop to zero the second they take a glance at my left hand...
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RHP User
13 years ago
I have been with my husband for 20 years.... and we have had a swinging then onto an open marriage for the past 15 years... Our marriage is definately a happier and stronger marriage now than ever... Our communication is amazing and our sex life is fantastic. Being so open allows us to experience things that we could never have had we chosen to remain monogamous. There are of course risks involved with being in an open relationship.. Ie: developing feelings. But the point is trust. You love and trust your partner, and they love and trust you... There is always the risk of feelings becoming more, but I have also seen many a monogamous relationship break up over someone developing feelings for another. The difference with my relationship, is the communication. We always know what's happening and anything we may be feeling is shared. There are no secrets.. oh is in response to MrandMrsErotic ... having had a strict Catholic upbringing myself... It.. for me.. was like brainwashing.. Its easy to say 'just change the way you interpret' but that for me would be like saying.. ok, now stop breathing.. Its is a fundamental thing.. I have had to try and change the 'programming' and this is an ongoing process... Anyways, for my husband and myself, having an open marriage has been a great decision and we wouldnt change a thing..
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RogueGeek
13 years ago
"Obviously there are a lot of contributing factors to our current state of "matrimonial bliss" - not least of all the resolution of issues leftover from a strict Catholic upbringing on my part"It is the resolution of these issues - not the issues themselves - that led us in the direction of an open relationship.Also, I would like to know what you mean by open relationships "seem to have a misplaced ideal of commitment" because from my perspective it is monogamous relationships that do this...Cheers,MS Quoting 'MrandMrsErotic' I'm not sure an open relationship indulges in 'Cheating' though it does seem to have a misplaced ideal of commitment. I imagine the female would find it easier to have more extra partners than the male (should she choose so). I have no other thoughts at this time except.... . Your strict catholic up-bringing you say is a current contributing factor....is in your past. . The fact your past contributes in any way today, is the interpretation you hold today about those past based event/s. Change that interpretation (you cannot change the past) and feel free of those happenings that constrain you.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Do you think it's possible to give up those thoughts you have about those Catholics and the way they took your brain out and washed it? If you think you could give up all the negativity, programming that happened back then...If you like the thought of them having no measurable effect on you today and all your tomorrows. . Then, how about Now? Give them up right now. If you are thinking you'd like to now but later on would suit you better and it's going to take time anyway....then I asert there is a pay-off for you for being this way. I will leave it at that as I don't want to criticize you personally. Like anyone, I don't enjoy other's discomfort. It would be nice to see all that are living at the effect of the past, free of such constraints. Choose a future and live into that future. Leave the past where it belongs, in the past. . You're both committed to a new way of being together, your sister does not like this commitment you've created and therefore it is mis-placed, in her opinion. Commitment is not something you have to profess and broadcast. It is evident to others by your actions and the time you spend doing those things you're committed to.
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RogueGeek
13 years ago
I'm not sure what you're trying to say, or who your trying to say it to I would like this thread to stay on the topic of open relationships and not become side-tracked by my personal history, or a discussion of religion.To repeat my OP: I would like to hear from other couples in open relationships: why they are open; what prompted the change (or was it open from the start?); what do you love most or like least about being open; what are your rules or boundaries; how do you organise the logistics?I would also like to hear from those not in open relationships: why they're not; if they want one; do you consider an open relationship to be "cheating"; have you been in one that didn't work? Cheers,MS
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RHP User
13 years ago
Ok... I'll get back to topic...How we entered the 'scene'(Very shortened version.. lol ) Many years ago, I was a lesbian. Then I met who was to be my husband. I fell in love. (awwwwwww) We got married. 5 Years later, I was climbing the walls.. I missed being with women incredibly!!! ( I figured by then I was bisexual) I still loved and desired my husband, but I needed more.. So I told him.. First reaction.. Him: No, thats cheating. Me: no, Im telling you. Him: NO...Yeah yeah, I cheated... I went and saw an old g/f and there ya go... I came home and told him.. Not impressed was he! lolSo we discussed... He agreed that I could see women if he could see women.. Hell no I said.. Fairs fair.. If I can go with women, he can go with men.. No, he said (he is straight).Back and forth this went, til we compromised on a couple. We played with said couple... everything was fantastic.. We have only moved forward since.Originally we had loads of rules: must stay in the same room always, one must not play without the other.. etc... But over the years it has changed... The communication is so very open, that we have only one rule now.. And that is the safe sex rule. We play apart, we play together.. anything goes these days, so long as we keep talking and hold nothing back.
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RHP User
13 years ago
I know it was a divergence, but you seemed to want to entertain the subject. Nevertheless, to answer your question before closing, it was aimed at yourselves - Ms_at_69 and JellyB. Who seem to have your past stuck in your present on that issue. . Close.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Well if you believe the figures - 50% of marriages end in divorce (and many more fail)... I'll assume the majority of these are marriages which had a crack at monogamy. After all that is the 'norm'. And arguably 99% of people have had a monogamous relationship fail at some point. Can I argue that the figures for an open relationship are better? Nup.. Is it likely to be disasterously worse? Well.... not really - I mean it's not like we're taking on an awesome success rate that monogamy can claim. We're starting from a pretty ordinary baseline. . So what's my point? All relationships need work - the type of relationship just makes what you have to work on different. You and Nerdy might need to contend with the fact you are sleeping with other people. Mr and Mrs Jones next door might have to contend with the fact that Mr Jones works ridiculous hours and travels a lot for work. Mr and Mrs Smith across the road might need to deal with an alcohol or flatulence problem. I'm guessing the real problems start when you are dealing with an open relationship AND flatulence! . I think the benefit of an open relationship is the fact you don't need to supress or hide your urges and desires. It takes some of the pressure of being 'perfectly monogamous' off and lets you discuss things and leaves options open that monogamy does not. Sure you don't need to sleep with other people to be that open with each other - but what's the point? . Gven you're in a relationship that is statistically bound to fail anyway (awww c'mon - look at my stats above!)... at least when you look back on it .... you got to root around - so it wasn't a complete waste :-)
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