M55 F64
Asking to be made "exclusive"
February 09 2015
Comments
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AnnieWhichway
10 years ago
Part of human nature that one sometimes cannot reign in their feelings and emotions. We never stop learning about our boundaries of those expectations that we place on others and ourselves within relationships. The best way is to discuss what boundaries each other expects when entering such a relationship and once knowing the boundaries, it is easier to meet those expectations and respect your partners space. It is also easier for your partner to be able to remind you that you may be overstepping the previously agreed line. You also need to be satisfied that your exclusive partner is also being exclusive to you as many here think being a member of the site gives them free reign to have their cake and eat it too............... Annie xxxx
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RHP User
10 years ago
Our actions and reactions. You are chosing to be "overboard" in your contact with these said men. They are chosing to have "cold feet" as a reaction to your actions. Think about that . IMHO, your behaviour Is not a indication of how passionate in bed you are or your loving nature. It would appear, and I said appear that you may not be being respectful of their personal space If your behaviour is resulting in men feeling that you are displaying "desperate" "psychopathic" or "stalking" traits, then perhaps it's time to rethink how you portray yourself to them. Just saying
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RHP User
10 years ago
... didn't anticipate anything other than just that. The change in your behaviour and or attitude, 'ups the anti' (so to speak), taking it to another level that wasn't necessarily bargained for.
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chevtrek
10 years ago
Quoting 'anywhichway007' Part of human nature that one sometimes cannot reign in their feelings and emotions. We never stop learning about our boundaries of those expectations that we place on others and ourselves within relationships. The best way is to discuss what boundaries each other expects when entering such a relationship and once knowing the boundaries, it is easier to meet those expectations and respect your partners space. It is also easier for your partner to be able to remind you that you may be overstepping the previously agreed line. You also need to be satisfied that your exclusive partner is also being exclusive to you as many here think being a member of the site gives them free reign to have their cake and eat it too............... Annie xxxx I have to agree with this
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Mischeviouslad
10 years ago
The cynic (realist?) in me, on this site... tells me these guys version of "exclusive" means that you don't have sexual escapades with anyone else....I guess besides your husband...... but that the same rule doesn't apply to them. After all... they're proposing sex with a married woman and not a single one.
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ruby_blossum
10 years ago
is probably ruining his time with the other women he is trying to see .
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RHP User
10 years ago
I have to say I agree with both Twinkes and ML. The word exclusive from a female....would have me personally running fast in the opposite direction. For 2 men to ask to be exclusive with you seems quite high and I would question their motives and also their reasons for asking that....do they believe they have a better chance of being physical with you if they are exclusive? I am a great believer that the male species of animals, of which we are one, have been biologically programmed not to.be exclusive. It is an expected moral norm of society that we are exclusive not a biological one. The reason they later back off is one only you can answer, but that level of affection/love you say you show may be a likely cause - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
men run a mile. It is like you asking them to marry you!
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AnnieWhichway
10 years ago
Was that Omg because you were shocked that you agreed with me? Well it had coffee coming out of my nose! This keeps up, I may have to become exclusive to you! I'd be your best girl........
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RHP User
10 years ago
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RHP User
10 years ago
You do know that only men posess the monogamy gene.....and that twenty five percent of Australians and New Zealanders,have a different biological to father to the one we have always called Dad..xxFreya
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MsJonesy
10 years ago
Having only one male (other than hubby) can lead to fixation on that male. But it's not really appropriate - it is still an arrangement based on sex, whether you label it fb or fwb or lover or whatever else you may use. Exclusivity doesn't mean you start treating him like a boyfriend and being in contact all the time. You are still just his fb/fwb/insert term here. Don't confuse the exclusivity label with upgrading the arrangement you have, because that is not what he is meaning at all. Just keep your communication the same, and that extra loving nature you develop should perhaps be directed to your hubby. Ohh... as already suggested, if you decide to be exclusive with him (hubby an obvious exception), make sure he agrees he will be too.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Just to make that clear. anywhichway007, I see where part of my problem lies. The only "boundary" that was given, was for me not to become "sexually involved" with other RHP men. As for me, I still wanted to meet other new RHP men just for a coffee and a chat. I wanted to keep my "options" open, so to speak. Now I have stopped, for the time being, even that !!! I've never expected any RHP Member to make themself "exclusive". Personally, I don't feel that another RHP Member has the "right" to ask another RHP Member this. We are not on this Site to "own" one another. To be honest, being asked to make myself "exclusive", came somewhat of a surprise to me and I have been trying to "get my head around it". I've decided that I would be willing to make myself "exclusive" if the man who asked means a lot to me. I also expect the "arrangement" to be temporary and available for further discussion. Twinkles, to be honest I hadn't thought of my "contacts" as invading the other's personal space and I certainly did not mean any "disrespect" to him. Thank you so much for enlightening me. I now realise that I still have a lot to learn when it comes to relationships. I'll try to do better in the future. Amy
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RHP User
10 years ago
we've had this conversation before, it's not an exclusively male instinct to choose polyamory. Just as many women cheat as men in monogamous relationships (as evidenced by Freya's statistic above) and you won't find too many women on here looking to tie themselves down to only one man. Like you said, it's a social construct, not a biological one - for both sexes. 😉 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
Does the "single male" not expect the word "exclusive" to mean the same to the woman too ? Is it only for "his pleasure" and his alone ? Can a man really be that "callous" ? Amy
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RHP User
10 years ago
They are being possessive and are trying to own you I think. Personally I think you are married and becoming exclusive with other men is a recipe for disaster, it is just asking for one of you to fall in love with the other. Not many people can handle being in love with married or attached people apparently..... not when it often leads to them wanting more then that other person can provide. I am not sure what your angle is OP but I would discourage this if I were you. It isn't a good thing to encourage attachment when you have no intentions of leaving your husband. That is what I think anyway.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I bet these men were older too, yes? In their 50's? It is kind of old fashioned asking that of someone when you know it will only ever be a casual fling.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Oh, another thought I just had. Doesn't "exclusive" mean you can forgo condoms. Maybe that is what they are after.
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RHP User
10 years ago
You are correct about the "fixation" part. My husband was concerned about this too. That is why on his recommendation, he once said " have yourself more than one FWB and then you won't get emotionally hurt". My husband does not need the "extra loving". In the past, he complained to me that I gave him "too much" !!! I used to sit and look at him with "adoring eyes". Of course, this is before he fell "in love" again but with another woman. Now I've stopped looking at him with "adoring eyes" !!! I no longer hold him high up "on a pedestal" and he's truly relieved about that !!! I didn't ask my "friend" if he would be "exclusive" too. I don't care if he isn't. I just care that he still wants me. Should I believe all his previous messages and emails that indicates that he only wants me ? Amy
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RHP User
10 years ago
There is only 1 man now, not 2 (Two occasions but at separate times on RHP). Yes both are "older" men. I don't have a problem giving my love to one RHP man or even three !!! I also think that there are some men on here who don't want me to leave my husband either. I am 100% sure that the man does not want me to leave my husband. I am also 100% sure that I would not be able to live with a "possessive" man !!! But being "exclusive" to just 1 man......well, the thought had crossed my mind about "condoms". Mind you, I would have to trust the man totally and believe that he is honest and "exclusive" himself before I would ever consider the idea of not having to use condoms. Amy
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RHP User
10 years ago
Being a romantic about this Amy,put on the reality glasses....not the rose coloured ones .It's up to you to do the ethical thing...the Ethical Slut is great read,gives good advice for poly relationships...whether you want one lover or more be mature about it xxFreya
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RHP User
10 years ago
Not many women can handle being in love with "possessive" men !!! My husband was a "possessive" man during our first few years of marriage. I could not even "look" at a man keenly without him getting jealous !!! Now so much has changed !!! Amy
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RHP User
10 years ago
I do have on "rose coloured glasses". I had started reading the book the "Ethical Slut". One of my other RHP girlfriends had it in her house. I was starting to enjoy the book. However, like most books, there were some things in it that I did not agree with and I could make this judgement from personal experience. As for my journey here on RHP, it's still a case of "Live and Learn". It's a good thing that we are never too old to learn !!! Amy
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On_Safari
10 years ago
Quoting 'Serenity2000' Not many women can handle being in love with "possessive" men !!! My husband was a "possessive" man during our first few years of marriage. I could not even "look" at a man keenly without him getting jealous !!! Now so much has changed !!! Amy Gosh you just described me to a "T" he says that now but what happened if it became a reality for him? I'm not one for outsourcing I'm more a one stop shop kinda girl. I suggested we not have a relationship and just enjoy what we are doing while it lasts. He's off to the UK in a few weeks I think the time apart will be good for him....and me. Good topic Amy, thank you!
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On_Safari
10 years ago
Quoting 'Mischeviouslad' The cynic (realist?) in me, on this site... tells me these guys version of "exclusive" means that you don't have sexual escapades with anyone else....I guess besides your husband...... but that the same rule doesn't apply to them. After all... they're proposing sex with a married woman and not a single one. As a Mistress I wanted exclusivity with my married Lover the wife didn't exist in my world with him so it was just normal for me I just didn't want to share him with others unless I was present. I was lucky he gave that to me but there are always boundaries to my over loving passionate nature. I am neither psycho or stalker material and at times it was difficult to reign in my need to communicate within our parameters. I knew the rules outside of them very well.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'kissk' Exclusivity doesn't mean you start treating him like a boyfriend and being in contact all the time. You are still just his fb/fwb/insert term here. Don't confuse the exclusivity label with upgrading the arrangement you have, because that is not what he is meaning at all. What????? Sorry but exclusivity to me means you are now boyfriend and girlfriend and are in a relationship. An FB or FWB has zero rights to exclusivity. I am shocked that anyone would suggest otherwise?
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LifeUnscripted
10 years ago
It seems that exclusivity would generally only come if you wanted to up the relationship somewhat to a romantic level. If you are just friends with benefits why would you be willing? The only good reason I can think of is if you want to be fluid bonded. In other words both of you agree to not sleep with others so you don't have to use condoms. Honestly you better really trust your partner in that situation, but I am sure there are people that would appeal to... Just not me. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
With the greatest of respect to you, I really think you need to sort out your marriage before you start entertaining 'exclusive' relationships with RHP men. The language you use suggests you are very confused yourself about what you want out of RHP and I sense that you and the men you attract and are attracted to have co-dependent tendencies. Not being personal, but's pretty easy to glean this from what you have written here. All the best
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RHP User
10 years ago
I am exclusive till its time to check out of the hotel. the biggest turn on for a guy is a woman s indifference. Like snow I think I lack the monogamy gene. I tried and it was not a good fit for me, I was always faithful and felt like a basset hound. Fetching slippers and a pipe. the trick is Amy if you meet a guy that floats your boat or finds that clit and flicks the bean like you like it. Keep it simple, just fuck him now and again. But if you expect said guy to be contacting and pissing in your ear how sweet and yada yada yada you will end up high and a very dry girl. My advice is to have three or more ( exclusives) , yes darling of course your the only one. Amy honey golden rule, your the hare let the man be the hound. Never call a guy, if he wants you he will soon let you know. At the moment I am bonking just the one guy, why? Because it tickles my fancy at the moment to just be with him. Plus I do not have the time to meet at the moment and I have a very friendly right hand.
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MsJonesy
10 years ago
Quoting 'Meeka100' Quoting 'kissk' Exclusivity doesn't mean you start treating him like a boyfriend and being in contact all the time. You are still just his fb/fwb/insert term here. Don't confuse the exclusivity label with upgrading the arrangement you have, because that is not what he is meaning at all. What????? Sorry but exclusivity to me means you are now boyfriend and girlfriend and are in a relationship. An FB or FWB has zero rights to exclusivity. I am shocked that anyone would suggest otherwise? She has a husband! She could not, in my mind, then have a boyfriend. Am I missing something here? I work on those lines - if there is an existing permanent relationship then you are never more than lover/fb/fwb. Those arrangements... alright - probably only lover or FWB - could ask for exclusivity, but it would be difficult if not impossible to move the arrangement into higher and more committed territory than lover/fwb or whatever other label applies.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Damn i cant copy and paste on my phone, but didnt the op say in this thread that her husband is in love with another woman? Maybe op wants what hes experiencing. Dunno, im confused!!!
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RHP User
10 years ago
My point is that I don't believe an FWB has the right to ask for exclusivity. He is just a friend with benefits. Sorry but that would be "computer says No" from me. If you want exclusivity then we are a couple in a relationship. And of course you can have a boyfriend that is married. Why wouldn't you be able to have a married boyfriend? Sounds like the OP's husband has a girlfriend or a significant other.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Isn't it?
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MsJonesy
10 years ago
I see your point Meeka....agree even! Mind adjustment occuring lol
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RHP User
10 years ago
I think it was something like that, but that was 25 yrs ago and I was pretty hungover from the bucks party so my memory might be a bit foggy . That was the last time I was asked to be "exclusive". I haven't asked or been asked since then. I've had conversations with partners regarding becoming mutually exclusive, including one who thought it was ok for her to keep seeing other people but not me. I don't think there is anything wrong with asking. but I would need to know the reasoning before I would take it into consideration. If I was you though I would be asking myself what you want in return for your faithfulness, relationships are a 2 way street even if it is causal. There are no rules you need to follow other than your own. You come across as a romantic and emotional person ( Sorry, I'm basing this off a couple of paragraphs you wrote so I may be off). Again nothing wrong with that as long as you are happy with that. But seeing that you wrote this post I'm guessing you're not. Maybe you should evaluate what you're expecting in your own mind from your FB/fwb/bf/... not just what he wants. and ask for it, discuss it.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Tho not a vow of celibacy. More a vow of permission.One I will honour as in doing so I please with my acts of loyalty and this in turn gives me pleasure.
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RHP User
10 years ago
...And thank you Amy! Great topic and great advice! xx
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'Serenity2000' Does the "single male" not expect the word "exclusive" to mean the same to the woman too ? Is it only for "his pleasure" and his alone ? Can a man really be that "callous" ? Amy Yes to all those. Being a man I was in the reverse when my FWB hinted on exclusivity, and when I said no with clear indication that I did not expect that from her she decided that is is all well as long as we do not talk about anyone else when together. So - boundaries defined, but psychology not quite sorted (for her)... Being polyamorous is not "normal", it's a gift not many have ...
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RHP User
10 years ago
Thats not strictly true .... both sexes have it but testosterone reacts differently with it causing the effect to be greater. You lot have your own gene for Monogamy too tho! 97% of mammals are not monogamous. (I had to do some googling and reading...very interesting too, Thank you Freya x) Amy who know it may well be your genes (Oxytocin hormone) that have a lot to do with your levels of affection. On a different note did you know that a relatively high number of twins actually have different fathers and it is only realized if they are different races. Right thats my geeky post done for the day.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I see that I have gone an "overdone" it so it may be too late now. Sigh !!! I will take your advice into consideration for the future. There is one thing that I will guarantee. If this "relationship" does not work out. If he does not contact me. This will be the last time that I agree to be "exclusive" to any man !!! BTW, Meeka100, your statement: "What????? Sorry but exclusivity to me means you are now boyfriend and girlfriend and are in a relationship. This is what I thought the word "exclusivity" to mean also. Amy
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RHP User
10 years ago
Is code for going without condoms. Perhaps a little possessiveness as well but I suggest the condom use is the main thing in their mind. Your business not theirs but if you back off the communications with fwbs it may avoid misunderstanding about the level of involvement in each others lives. Jay - Posted from rhpmobile
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Lovinit28andKC72
10 years ago
Some of you should start being honest with yourselves, before you start batting on in here......💋
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Plain
10 years ago
Its an ego thing, there way of taking interest, narcissim at its worst I am afraid, just do what Silkpeach did yes darling you are the only one!!. Its a control thing blokes think they have you on a string.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Exclusive is the most strange thing to request. In my pre swinging days it was just assumed that exclusivity was the go. Since then exclusivity was not something i have ever asked for. I have been asked that I did not play with particular people, and that is fair in my book for many reasons. Exclusive for sexual safety is not something i would ever put trust in. I would rather it be open because that way if the other person is to play around then there is no need to hide that fact, and knowing he/she has had sex else where is safer than not knowing. Putting the exclusive requirement on a fuck buddy relationship will increase the chance that you will be lied to. As I see it, guys that request exclusivity are selfish and insecure. Why be exclusive, i can only think that they fear you will find someone better, thus to protect their access to you they want exclusivity. if I was in you shoes I would just say NO. My rule is that I control MY life and I will NEVER be told what I can and can not do by anyone. If they do not like it, go find someone else. Even if they were the best fuck in the universe, it not worth being manipulated. They may huff and puff but they will be back, because they think you are worth it or they would not want exclusivity. You should never let anyone manipulate you into something you do not feel comfortable with. Requesting exclusivity is simply a power game and that type of manipulation is not something you should want to deal with.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I agree exclusivity is similar to a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. However I don't think exclusive=love. You can be exclusive and not in love. Likewise you can definitely be not exclusive yet in love with someone. I think in a lot of cases exclusive (or a request to be) =control - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
means they are not fucking anyone else, a fwb but if they want to pursue a relationship with someone else, that is fine but I would expect they would tell me so I can make other arrangements for myself rather than be lied to or have something going on that I am unaware of. I would want exclusivity so that I don't have to worry so much about catching something, have someone on tap for my sexual needs knowing he has not already teed something else up unless it is a date that he has organised with someone he would like to get to know more.
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RHP User
10 years ago
And to all the other Forum Members. I just needed a "sounding board". I am so glad that I can come onto RHP and receive some honest opinions. For a woman like me, who has not had much experience at "dating" men, your advice has been valuable. Thanks again. Amy
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Violetincredible
10 years ago
But I do believe as chuckle shells said you should do whatever feels right for you. But I do have to add it does annoy me when you chat to guys like they are one of your normal gfs and they assume you are in love with them... I don't know if it's cultural or just because monogamous heterosexual people don't think girls and guys can just be equal and be friends? But I do find it happens more with older straight guys. That's why most of my male friends are younger, and bi or gay. Xxviolet
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RHP User
10 years ago
You are correct. I am a romantic and emotional person. That is why my husband loves me. Now I hear some Members questioning "But if he loves you, why has he fallen for another ?" It is "complicated and private" and I won't discuss it. Let's just concentrate on the topic here. "No", I did not see any harm in him asking me to be "exclusive". In fact, I was a bit surprised but flattered. I also did not ask him "Why ?". My guess is that he is "possessive" and also, there is a part of him that feels that I don't belong on RHP. I have to be honest and tell you, had my husband not joined us to RHP, I would have continued life just loving 1 man. It does not matter to me if he loves another too, because of the special circumstances that are involved. In this instance, I am unselfish wife. What do I expect from the other man for my faithfulness ? I expect him to be just as faithful. If the issue of "not using condoms" has to come into it, then I wouldn't want him sleeping around with others. Only that way, can we have a "unworrying" boyfriend/girlfriend type of relationship. I know for a fact that I am "clean" as is my husband and his partner. I would need to know for a fact that a man who wants "exclusivity" is "clean" too and will remain so. An extra-marital boyfriend/girlfriend relationship does appeal to me. But it needs to be with the right man. He must not have any "barriers" such as children living with him. He has to be self sufficient and "unattached" in more ways than one. He also has to be aware that I can never "host". Taking all these factors into consideration and if the man still wants to be my #2 man, then my answer is "Why not ?" Look at our age. We are not young. How many years do we have left before ill health begins to take its toll ? My motto now "Enjoy life the best you can !!!" without causing harm to others. Amy
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'snowpatrol121' I agree exclusivity is similar to a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. However I don't think exclusive=love. You can be exclusive and not in love. Likewise you can definitely be not exclusive yet in love with someone. I think in a lot of cases exclusive (or a request to be) =control - Posted from rhpmobile True. I suppose I was getting to the fact that most of the time exclusivity would signify a more serious arrangement where feelings would be involved. And if no feelings are involved and it is just a friends with benefit arranagment, I don't really understand why you would have an exclusive arrangement. Okay I am not saying you have to be a hussy and root around, but why stop yourself from continuing to look for someone who can satisfy you on more than just one level by committing yourself to an exclusive arrangement with someone who will more than likely always just be a friend and nothing more? I think you are doing yourself a disservice to do so. I 100% don't feel that a married person has any right to ask a single person to be exclusive to them. Maybe it ends up that way but certainly I don't think a married person would have the right to ask that. So again, I come back to the fact that a man asking for exclusivity during a casual sexual arrangement would have more to about possessiveness and possibly jealousy.
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RHP User
10 years ago
but your not....soooooo it sounds like a fantasy.
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RHP User
10 years ago
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Letsgetcrazy09
10 years ago
Quoting 'ruby_blossum' is probably ruining his time with the other women he is trying to see . Yes probably wanting to be exclusive with them too...hahaLets
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RHP User
10 years ago
Throughout this thread there is one thing that jumps out at me and having met you and messaged a fair bit I have said it before. You are a very trusting person and I have no doubt very trustworthy too. Unfortunately the same cannot be said for everyone in the world or this rhp world. So my advice would be make that guy earn your trust over several meetings before he gets a full taste of your affections. Exclusivity could be something discussed further down the track.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I like the way you have worded your thoughts on this. Thank You !!! You are definitely one of the men that I would have liked to have known. Amy
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RHP User
10 years ago
Yes, I do find this a "strange" request from an "unattached" man to a "married" woman. My husband thinks that it is a "ridiculous" request. But if an "unattached" man wishes this and the woman ends up willing to do it, then there shouldn't be any problem. Should there ? Amy
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RHP User
10 years ago
It is ridiculous to talk about being exclusive with a man who is just a fwb..you say you have a loving nature and tend to go overboard with contacting men..they then get cold feet..I suggest that what you are doing is projecting all your romantic hopes onto the man in an unrealistic way... I somehow doubt that you will change and stop doing this because your primary relationship where your husband is in love with another woman,has created an emotional void and in some way,you are hoping to fill that by romanticising your relationships with other men xxFreya
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'Serenity2000' Yes, I do find this a "strange" request from an "unattached" man to a "married" woman. My husband thinks that it is a "ridiculous" request. But if an "unattached" man wishes this and the woman ends up willing to do it, then there shouldn't be any problem. Should there ? Amy
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RHP User
10 years ago
I think that you've hit the nail on the head. It's odd. The more I discuss this issue with you Forum Members, the more I'm beginning to realise what most of you say is true. I do experience some "emotional void". I didn't realise this before my husband joined us to RHP. I was content and I am still content to share him but there is also an "emptiness" that I can't help feeling. There was once a time when my husband meant "the world" to me but when he fell in love for the 2nd time, it somehow changed that. There was once a time when I thought to myself "I don't think that I could ever live without you if you died" but now that has changed too. RHP has made it easier for me to accept that I live independently if my husband died. I still dread the thought as we are not getting any younger. But RHP gives me an opportunity to get to know other men; some being a lot more younger than myself. Men who I hope will continue to be my friends. Yes, I am looking to fill that "emotional void"; be it with 1 man or a few. Amy
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RHP User
10 years ago
I want to "love". I want to "experience". I want to "grab" whatever life now has to offer. I want to share my mind, soul and body with other men other than my husband. I want to be able to express myself both "in and out" of the bedroom. I don't want "invisible chains" to bind me !!! I don't want men who are easily "frightened off". I want a man/men who can "stand their ground" against a woman's frailties; whether it's being over emotional, dominant, bossy, clingy, etc. Most of all, I want a man to accept me as I am with all my faults. I never pretended to be perfect !!! If a man takes his time to get to know me, he will realise that I am quite a "nice" person. Amy
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inspirit
10 years ago
"Doesn't a man understand what this does to a woman ? It means that she will just think about and concentrate on him !!! And when she can't see him, she will "miss" him." NO it does not unless she has fallen for a fantasy in which it is just infatuation! IMO
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RHP User
10 years ago
Can you love without needing to hold on tight. This is something people in the swinging or poly scene must understand about them selves. Many say they are poly but few actually are. They move from one lover to then next and in each at the time they invest a lot of emotional energy, when things do not go as planed they break apart and it is over. During this time they may be sleeping with others, be it an agreement or just assumed or even hidden, but the others are just sex, there is no emotional ties, no needs, and no love. That love is taken. This is not poly. To be poly you must feel love for more than one person at a time, with each love comes the needs and the devotion, but that must be shared. It is best to take a lovers word, if they say they love you, that is all that is needed, there is no score card, or performance record. They love you , and they will enjoy your company and want to make you feel special. Special does not mean exclusive, love does not mean cant live without you. Love is caring, patience, understanding and above all trust. From my experience for poly to work you can not separate or isolate your lovers from one another. Back when I was active and when i meet a new lover the first thing i would do is arrange that they meet the others. I learnt that to isolates one person from the others never worked, they must be able to be friends at the very minimum. When they can all be in the same room and get along, and have a good time then all is well. If someone can not fit in then sadly it can not be. You owe it to you lovers to find someone that is compatible to all. This is unfortunately very difficult for single sex people, many guys dont handle sharing well, and do not feel comfortable befriending a guy they are share a girl with, and the same thing the other way around. I really do not know if straight people can actually have successful poly relationships. I have not seen it happen. All my past lovers where Bisexual, all my past lovers were each others friends, every one had each others numbers, knew where we all lived and did all the things that true friends and lovers do. I would suggest that maybe if you find someone that can be mates, good friends with your husband, then you could consider opening your heart and feel and give the love you want to both. You can not love someone if you others you love can not love (befriend type of love not sexual) them too. You can not split you life in two, that will never work. Anyways just some words
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'Blindman67' To be poly you must feel love for more than one person at a time, with each love comes the needs and the devotion, but that must be shared. It is best to take a lovers word, if they say they love you, that is all that is needed, there is no score card, or performance record. They love you , and they will enjoy your company and want to make you feel special. Special does not mean exclusive, love does not mean cant live without you. Love is caring, patience, understanding and above all trust.I think this is the best description of polyamory I've seen and I've researched the subject extensively. This level of trust and faith and understanding is why making poly relationships work is so hard, but also an example of how wonderful they can be when you hit that magic combination...
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RHP User
10 years ago
They are not Bi. My husband has no interest in knowing any of the Members from RHP. He does not want them "connected" with his life. My involvement with RHP is an off shoot. The men I meet, I meet on my own. They aren't concerned with my husband. The only concern that they have is that he is not a jealous man. I have been given the freedom to form my own relationships outside of my family life. So I am using that "freedom" and thanking my husband for it. Amy
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RHP User
10 years ago
You are right as usual. You always give me good advice because I know that you are a genuinely caring man. I saw it in your eyes and in the manner in which you treated me. I will do as you say. I have acted "stupidly" over this. As my husband has always said to me "It's time you grew up". Amy
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Hottie1
10 years ago
I am not man bashing. I couldn't put it better than Freya, snow patrol and Blindman. You are trusting and want to be loved, cared for and appreciated. I think you need to find you in this new situation that you find yourself in. I feel through your posts that you are hurting and you are trying as freya said to fill a void. Do so but do it on your own, you don't need another person to determine what you are worthy of and what you should have or achieve. You have given yourself to another for years, what is it like to give to you, do you know? Amy find what you like, don't try to replicate somethingthat didn't work. Just my thoughts lovely, you deserve what you seek. Mary xx
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inspirit
10 years ago
Fuck your husband and go for it. I hope you find the real adoring love you DESERVE and piss him off. I am not sorry for my opinion as have I read all the posts over the last month or so and WOW - Find the love you deserve!
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inspirit
10 years ago
I do understand you love your hubby and him you but lets face it. He joined you up to RHP! Guilt got to him did it? I fully understand poly relationships but....................... what's poly about this one when you are looking for love?
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RHP User
10 years ago
if I found a "real adoring love", my husband would be happy for me. Then like him, I'd have 2 people to love. It's not so much "guilt"; its rather him wanting me to have an outlet for my "energies". I love meeting people (men especially), I'm very "open", I'm not afraid to display affection or emotion and sometimes I'm "hyperactive". My husband knows that I'm very much "the extrovert" compared to him. I love life; even the simple things. He joined us to RHP for me to have some fun. He didn't think that it could or would get "serious". You make RHP sound "bad" inspirit. I think that RHP is a good thing. Before I came on RHP, I had "low esteem" but not anymore. Most of the men on here have been wonderful !!! They are so kind with their remarks; the gentlemen especially. Gosh !!! Can you tell by my attitude to life, that I've never grown up ? Amy
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RHP User
10 years ago
I meant to say "I had low self esteem". Amy
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RHP User
10 years ago
You say that before you came onto RHP you had low esteem. Where do you think that came from? To most on here, it is still apparent that you suffer from low self worth and self esteem. When you have low self worth or self esteem, you seek validation and approval from others, which is effectively what you are doing on RHP and in your quest for 'love'. Real self worth and self esteem comes from loving and respecting yourself first.....it doesn't come from seeking the validation of men on RHP. Inspirit is correct.........RHP is the last place for anyone to be practicing emotional growth. Show me a 'poly' couple and 9/10 I will show you two highly insecure and emotionally immature people who constantly seek the validation or approval of the opposite sex. There is a huge irony in your husband telling you to grow up........a man who sought love with another woman outside his marriage on his terms with little regard to his own wife. Your husband has shown that he has issues with his own emotional maturity. People here are concerned for your emotional wellbeing and rightly so. I could write for days on this, but I don't think you are prepared to see or accept see the truth......not yet anyway. I can only wish you well
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Seachange
10 years ago
You are entitled to seek what you want to make you happy. if it means filling that 'emotional void' left by your husband's new love by having 1 or multiple sexual partners, then so be it. Your relationship with your husband is quite complex for me and I dare not say I do understand as I am not privy to it and will not dare ask as it is your private dealings. However, do not place your eggs all in the same basket and in the process put yourself in harm's way, in an emotional sense anyway. that would cause to deepen your emotional void and may be hard to recover. Protect yourself here as you never know what are the true intentions of these men who propose these arrangements. I have been asked to be exclusive by a couple of men before. One was from interstate who frequent melb often. He even offered to house me in an expensive apartment in the city and pay for my expenses provided I do not see any other man again. Oh dear... WTH!!! I declined as I do not need nor want it. The idea of control over a casual sexual relationship does not appeal to me and undermines my ability to decide what is best for me. That was pretty much the end of the 'interaction' with him. Enjoy your time in here. take it as it comes. these 'relationships' change over time and they will come and go so be careful not to be blinded by the romantic views you have and getting yourself too deeply hooked into a man who may not reciprocate your feelings and devotion. you are lucky you have a husband who still loves you and looks out for you. Take care. x
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'Meeka100' Quoting 'snowpatrol121' I agree exclusivity is similar to a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. However I don't think exclusive=love. You can be exclusive and not in love. Likewise you can definitely be not exclusive yet in love with someone. I think in a lot of cases exclusive (or a request to be) =control - Posted from rhpmobile True. I suppose I was getting to the fact that most of the time exclusivity would signify a more serious arrangement where feelings would be involved. And if no feelings are involved and it is just a friends with benefit arranagment, I don't really understand why you would have an exclusive arrangement. Okay I am not saying you have to be a hussy and root around, but why stop yourself from continuing to look for someone who can satisfy you on more than just one level by committing yourself to an exclusive arrangement with someone who will more than likely always just be a friend and nothing more? I think you are doing yourself a disservice to do so. I 100% don't feel that a married person has any right to ask a single person to be exclusive to them. Maybe it ends up that way but certainly I don't think a married person would have the right to ask that. So again, I come back to the fact that a man asking for exclusivity during a casual sexual arrangement would have more to about possessiveness and possibly jealousy. Like you said, if people want to and agree to take the condom off. They both have tests, show the papers and make an agreement that if they have others they use safe sex. Like all things this can go pear shaped, but then it can go that way when your married and have no idea your hubby is fucking around. Lord knows how many married men would have gone there with me if I had let them. I think its more a mistress situation, where the guy floats your boat , you really are getting all you need from that one guy and he makes you happy. You are both getting what you want, and for that point in time its enough. And snow patrol, , you make some good points. for me a persons heart can be exclusive. If the sex for some reason is not there, part of us can be passionately in love with a person, but then we just let our other parts out for a run now and again. men do it better than women as women find it hard to split feelings from sex. I think I am a man with a vagina. Amy really wants to be that mistress, to have that loving feeling and enjoy the company of a man that cares about her as a person as well as a lover. Her main heart felt love is with her husband. Her requests may often seem odd but her life is a very unique set of circumstances. So her requests are unique I guess it is hard for people to understand why married women who love their husbands deeply, can go looking for something else.
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RHP User
10 years ago
You know me far better than I know myself. You are a good friend to me. I highly appreciate it. Thank You !!! Amy
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RHP User
10 years ago
I do "hear" you and I am listening. "The idea of control over a casual sexual relationship does not appeal to me and undermines my ability to decide what is best for me. " This is what concerned me too, when "Mr Grey" asked. Anyhow, it appears that I have "frightened" off "Mr Grey". He didn't really know what "he wanted" after all. So I am "slipping away". Amy
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AnnieWhichway
10 years ago
Quoting 'inspirit' Fuck your husband and go for it. I hope you find the real adoring love you DESERVE and piss him off. I am not sorry for my opinion as have I read all the posts over the last month or so and WOW - Find the love you deserve! I know you may not want to hear it but I agree with Inspirit and think there may be a few others as well. We hear your words and know you have opened up to us all here and shared the complete you. I think you are someone that needs the love of a complete relationship and you have come from a loving marriage that has gone pearshape from the swinging lifestyle as it sometimes does. Your husband sounds like he is controlling you the way he wants. Cook and clean whilst he explores his other relationship. Save yourself whilst you can, find the happiness that you once had under your terms. And if I am wrong and out of order, then my sincere apologies, just calling the way I see it from our contact and your posts. Love Annie XX
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RHP User
10 years ago
Amy, you seem a little naive and unworldly. And I don't mean that as a bad thing, but I feel you need to be careful. Most of us newbies get our hearts broken before we really understand what casual dating and casual sex is about. I unfortunately believe this will happen to you. Your husband sounds like a selfish arse. I recently read a comment you made where you said you spray a pillow with his cologne and hug it all night to deal with your loneliness. That is terribly sad. Also if your husband would be genuinely happy that you find true love on RHP...well, that is very telling. Maybe he sees you as a friend, rather than a wife.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'Serenity2000' Anyhow, it appears that I have "frightened" off "Mr Grey". He didn't really know what "he wanted" after all. Which suggests that you don't see his reaction as being in direct response to your change in behaviour and /or attitude - which appears to be what he did not want. Quoting 'Fit73' You say that before you came onto RHP you had low esteem. Where do you think that came from? To most on here, it is still apparent that you suffer from low self worth and self esteem. When you have low self worth or self esteem, you seek validation and approval from others, which is effectively what you are doing on RHP and in your quest for 'love'. Real self worth and self esteem comes from loving and respecting yourself first.....it doesn't come from seeking the validation of men on RHP. Inspirit is correct.........RHP is the last place for anyone to be practicing emotional growth. People here are concerned for your emotional wellbeing and rightly so. I could write for days on this, but I don't think you are prepared to see or accept see the truth......not yet anyway. I can only wish you well In addition to Mr Fit73's comment: Old news and I have said it before, possibly before your time (here in rhp that it is): I know only too well that everything that we know and love in life can be gone in an instant. I also know what it feels like to lose the love of your life - both of which can be soul shattering to the core on so many levels. I have since learnt that when we are truly happy in our own right (i.e. not dependent on anyone else for own happiness), we realise that people (be it significant other, friends, family etc.) are an added bonus - not a necessity. Just a thought (take it or leave it), but if you throw yourself into something that you are incredibly passionate about, something that enriches, encourages and inspires you, you'll find that you are no longer looking for someone to fill that space. When it comes to love, the real deal, it's been my experience that it finds you when you least expect it and the more you look for it, the more you force it, the more it eludes you.
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RHP User
10 years ago
You have it all wrong about my husband and I'm not going to go into explanations. BTW, Annie, we (all 3 of us ) have never done the "Swinging" thing. I am the only true RHP Member out of us 3. The low esteem I had before was due to : Realising that I am getting on in years and that no man would be "interested" in me Realising that I have always loved just 1 man since my Uni days. Realising that my family was right. To marry so young and not experience what life had to offer. Now I can't turn back time. Thinking that this monogamous marriage was all there was for the rest of my life. (I was monogamous. He partner is monogamous. He is polygamous now only just 2) Seeing a young relative being "wined and dined" by her boyfriend and knowing that I missed out on that during my time because we were both poor. (My husband and I had no Engagement Party or proper "Wedding with all its frills" because both families were against it. We paid for our own Wedding Reception out of the little savings we had. We took the Journey of Life together. We had no one to consult but ourselves. Both families did not accept our marriage for years. We know about "True Love" so please don't try to teach us. We've been through it all !!! The Ups and the Downs. The Trials and the Tribulations.) Always thinking that I was not "attractive", not "sexy", etc. I had too many friends at School that were always prettier and I was a kind of "nerd". Do I need to come up with more reasons that have nothing at all to do with my husband and the way he has always lovingly treated and loved me ? Amy
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RHP User
10 years ago
Every time you look into your lovers eyes you should feel loved, sexy and alive.
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RHP User
10 years ago
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RHP User
10 years ago
I look into my husband's eyes I see his adoration reflected there. I see the love he holds within his heart. How can he not hold, the love within his heart ? I am to my husband, his very first girl !!! No man forgets his very first girl !!! Amy
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RHP User
10 years ago
Thanks for you kind comments. You have not acted stupidly at all just too trusting at times, I hope this will change now, but I belief this is something you have learnt the hard way with your Mr Grey as you called him. Others can have their opinions on your husband, as I have mine. What I know is that you are a fiercely loyal and loving wife which means you will never "fuck your husband off" nor do I believe you want to. Just a thought and it is just that....instead of looking for your Mr Grey/the one why not focus your attentions on some shorter term involvements with men. I don`t mean one night stands but I am sure the excitement of seeing someone new for a few weeks/months could be extremely enjoyable and still offer that affection and connection you seek. That way us men are less likely to be scared off and the dreaded exclusivity is not really an issue, something unexpected may just bloom if left to grow itself. Oh and my opinion kick any guy who suggests not using a condom into touch. (or make him wear two!) Good luck Amy x
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Seachange
10 years ago
Quoting 'Serenity2000' Realising that I am getting on in years and that no man would be "interested" in me Realising that I have always loved just 1 man since my Uni days. Realising that my family was right. To marry so young and not experience what life had to offer. Now I can't turn back time. Thinking that this monogamous marriage was all there was for the rest of my life. My husband and I had no Engagement Party or proper "Wedding with all its frills" because both families were against it. Both families did not accept our marriage for years. Quoting 'Serenity2000' I look into my husband's eyes I see his adoration reflected there. I see the love he holds within his heart. How can he not hold, the love within his heart ? I am to my husband, his very first girl !!! No man forgets his very first girl !!! Dear Amy, I read your posts above and felt really sad for you. there is an undeniably strong feeling of lost and regret there, of being through a lot and seems like very little was there at the end of the tunnel. I felt the deep loneliness and longing in your words.It seems to me that you have certainly gone thru a lot with your husband, starting from nothing at a young age and working together as a team to overcome a lot of obstacles in your lives. This life as part of a couple was what you only knew and it has defined you as a person. Now a third person has come into the picture as 'imposed' by your husband after all these years, and you are left trying to make sense of it, shaking your whole world as you know it. You are not that one adored person anymore and feeling cast aside, it seems to me. You are not the team you are anymore, you are left questioining who you are, what you are worth and where you heading in this relationship. That is if there is still a real relationship. I only see him preparing you for the inevitable, separation. But that isa my opinion only. As somebody said above, you are looking for love, given the context of where you are coming from. I do not blame you given your circumstance. But you come here to RHP as a very vulnerable and naive person, open to abuse and mistreatment, intentionally or unintentionally. Your experiences here should not define who you are, and do not let it so. At this point in juncture, you need to define what you really want for yourself and your relationship. Is it love, is it just sex or just companionship? Are you just curious? And if you found that one person (or two), what does that mean to your relationship as it could mean a paradigm shift in what you and your husband hold in your marriage. Is he ready for it (you said he did not think it could be serious). My concern it that you are leaving yourself wide open in this site to be hurt and there are a lot of sharks out there. Do go in with your eyes wide open and slow down. Take your time to enjoy the company without the thought of the promise of them saving you or making you whole. Nobody will save you but yourself. Detach your heart from your dealings with men here until you get to know them really well as friends. Of course over time you both will find out , like some couples here, that maybe there is more to the friendship as it stands and then consider yourselves one of the lucky ones. You are in intelligent woman, I can see that but at this point, your emotions mar your thoughts and it happens to everyone. sometimes, a reminder from friends is useful to see things for what it is. Please take care of yourself. The road less taken is never smooth but it sure is rewarding in the end. I have a feeling you will be alright. Just be on guard my dear.Big hugs Xxx
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RHP User
10 years ago
"Now a third person has come into the picture as 'imposed' by your husband after all these years, and you are left trying to make sense of it, shaking your whole world as you know it. You are not that one adored person anymore and feeling cast aside, it seems to me. You are not the team you are anymore, you are left questioining who you are, what you are worth and where you heading in this relationship." Yes, at the start I was questioning and I did get jealous. Something I thought that would never happen to me considering the "circumstances". "Circumstances", that you Forum Members don't know. Yes, I do realise that "I am not that one adored person anymore" but I can live with that because I am not cast aside. Yes, he and I are not "a team" anymore. To make it equal for all, we are all our "own individuals", yet together we work as a team of three. I know what I am worth in this relationship and I am not questioning where it is heading. I know where it is heading whereas you Forum Members don't. Thank you for your genuine concern anyway, lilyorchid. I am very "touched". Note to Forum Members: I didn't start this Thread to discuss my own marriage, which by the way, is a happy one. Isn't it odd, that when a partner comes onto the Forums complaining that their relationship is going "pear shaped" we readily give him/her good advice about how to fix it. Yet when I come onto the Forums telling everyone that I'm happily married, some Forum Members won't believe me and thus are giving me advice, which if followed, would "break" my currently happy marriage apart. This is just a thought that I was having this morning. Do you realise what some of you are doing ? Amy
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RHP User
10 years ago
All i can do is go by the information presented here in this thread and what is on your profile and some things that I remember from other threads. You need to regain control of your life. Step one on that is to confront the issues. Assumptions.You are not depressed, or suffer from depression. (If you are fix it!!)You deeply love your husband and do not want to lose him.You do not feel loved.You are unhappy and want change. Facts.You are looking for love.Your husband is in control, not you.You are in a polygamous relationship, you, your husband, and his lover. I do not know if this has been forced on you or it was asked and you agreed, or it was asked as an ultimatum. I do not know if your husband loves you or not. I am assuming he does and that is why he remains with you. That said there may be another reason for him staying, it could be financial, family, convenience. I do not know but that is important. We are not hearing anything about the other woman. She is in a relationship with you as much as your husband, what she thinks and wants directly effect your life. Do you know her? Have you talked to her? You do know you have every right to contact and see her without letting your husband know. This is something you must do, she may well see you as a direct threat and may be working against your interests. Talking to her will help you, do not confront her, befriend her as you are both sharing someone you both love. Do not let emotion get the better of you, if she sides against you, then you will not get control of your husband. Give her what she wants in exchange for what you want. If you can not do this then you will not solve this problem and remain in this situation. I get the strong feeling that you fear your husband, that he has given you an ultimatum, Accept or lose him. This is blackmail and unacceptable from a lover. I hope I am wrong, if not you need to take ownership of the leash that hold you. This leads to the questions. Why are you staying? You are not old, you have decades of healthy life ahead of you, that is a life time for many. What is making you stay when you are so unhappy? How will this pan out? Do you think your husband will leave this woman and live retirement with you? You need not answer, I present these are things to think about. i do not wish to offend but you have presented a situation and I simply analyse nothing more. One last thing. From your description of your husband, if I met him i would give him a very confronting talking to that is for sure.
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AnnieWhichway
10 years ago
Quoting 'Serenity2000' Yes, at the start I was questioning and I did get jealous. Something I thought that would never happen to me considering the "circumstances". "Circumstances", that you Forum Members don't know. Note to Forum Members: I didn't start this Thread to discuss my own marriage, which by the way, is a happy one. Isn't it odd, that when a partner comes onto the Forums complaining that their relationship is going "pear shaped" we readily give him/her good advice about how to fix it. Yet when I come onto the Forums telling everyone that I'm happily married, some Forum Members won't believe me and thus are giving me advice, which if followed, would "break" my currently happy marriage apart. This is just a thought that I was having this morning. Do you realise what some of you are doing ? Amy Amy, you have come to us to discuss your situation. We can only offer our opinions on the information that you supply.If you only give us certain facts that you want to give us, our advice or discussions on the matter may/will be flawed and possibly inappropriate.I'm not saying that you should be supplying that information, that is your right to divulge what personal information that you are comfortable with. But don't be criticising those of us who are trying our best to help with what information we have. We think you are worthy of our time and thoughts, at least up to this point.Annie xx
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RHP User
10 years ago
I appreciate the Forum Members' advice. I can see that they all care. But in regard to my marriage, I just want them to know that they have it all wrong. The polyamorous relationship came into existence because I approved it. My husband was honest with me and told me the feelings that he was experiencing for this other woman. He was "confused" himself when he started to develop these feelings for her. I gave it a lot of consideration before I told him "Well, go tell her how you feel". I wasn't jealous when it happened, though I did go through some jealousy later. But that's natural. I am completely over it now. The important thing is that the 3 of us are happy together. We live together in harmony. My journey on RHP is just an experience. It's for me to see what's "out there". I am aware that on RHP, I am going to meet all types of men and my husband warns me of that too. He himself tells me not to become too emotional with the men on RHP. It is just the experience that I am to enjoy. If a deeper relationship happens to develop naturally, then so be it. I have listened to all that the Members have said here and I have taken it "on board". Please don't think that I don't value everyone's opinions. If I didn't value what Members had to say, I would not have started this Thread. Amy
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AnnieWhichway
10 years ago
I also reread the OP and I suppose along the way we have deviated from the original question and brought into topic your marriage which was never in the original scope. Possibly the 2 are intertwined in our view but of course that is opinion and heresay as we are not a party to the big picture. Hope you can take some of the excellent advice with you and use what is appropriate. All the best for the journey.Annie xx
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RHP User
10 years ago
I agree that the advice here has been excellent !!! I am gradually learning. I learn one step at a time. Hopefully, my future encounters with RHP men will improve. Thank you. I still consider you a dear friend. Amy xxx
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RHP User
10 years ago
This is meant literally. She is part of our lives and with our blessing. I do not discuss her because she is not a Member of RHP. Recall what Keepitsimple said about a truly polyamorous relationship. We respect and love each other. We will defend each other. We trust each other. We take care of each other. We wish no harm to come to each other. We only wish the best for each other. We want to see the other happy in whatever they do. We help each other out financially too. Remember, there are different forms of love. Love exists among us but in different forms. Amy
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