M46
Attached- is this a waste of time?
October 27 2016
Comments
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RHP User
8 years ago
no you won't get judgement from all, certainly not from me, but you will get it from many. The thing with the forum is it represents a very small part of this sexy world, this site even, just a few, so only a random sample of what people out there might be thinking. Having said that, on here, there aren't many women who would play with attached guys, going on previous comments about cheating etc. I do, and not saying that's better or worse, just stating it for your information, there are some women like me who don't discriminate. I am actually turned on by satisfying attached guys and part of that is being able to open up, fully let myself go and fully get into the sexy talk and lead up to encounters, because I know they'll be discreet. Discretion is my biggest concern, I hate guys blabbing, the biggest turn off, so look for guys I can trust. Attached guys don't blab The thing to remember is that you have to treat women with the same respect and extend them the same time frames they expect from single guys. If I get the feeling I'm going to be a 'drive by' I let them go, I don't like being rushed with intimacy, particularly not the first time I meet someone, I like to go a few rounds if at all possible, a few hours at least is good for me, so long as you make yourself available, within reason, and find women who can be discreet also, they're out there, of course I believe you need to be satisfied, we all do. Good luck
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AnnieWhichway
8 years ago
In your profile. There are plenty of women in the same situation and some even only want to hook up with similar attached people. You will get judgement from single people if you try and pass yourself off as single. We like to know the situation. I will fuck attached people but want to know as it effects timing and availability and lets me know how discreet the contact needs to be. And you wont get a hookup if you keep your profile locked.......
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RHP User
8 years ago
When people acknowledge that they're clearly not happy in a relationship, yet seem unwilling to leave it, and choose the path of deceit in order to satisfy a very clear incompatibility. If there has been efforts to address the issues within the relationship, and those efforts have failed to achieve an outcome that both party's are happy with, then the option of opening the relationship becomes one. If the option of opening that relationship is not agreed upon, cheating becomes one..... If you get caught cheating, there are going to be consequences for that person..... AND..... Potentially the person that engaged as the 3rd party..... And for some, those consequences are NOT worth their time, and energy to satisfy someone else's void...... I do hope you find someone that IS willing to be with you, as there are those people here who share your situation as Annie said. - Posted from rhpmobile
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Lovinit28andKC72
8 years ago
I believe it's always going to be harder with you being attached, but there are definitely people who play with attached people. I think you'll have more luck finding a lover if you are honest about your situation, like Annie said most people don't like to be lied to, they prefer to make informed decisions based on fact not bullshit. 💋
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RHP User
8 years ago
Just be honest and let people decide for themselves. Some will care, some won't. I am really curious about this as there seems to be a lot of men (probably women too but I don't look at them) who are sexually unhappy in their relationship. Life is short so why be unhappy. And yes I know "you really love her yada yada but". I say that is bullshit. Unless she knows exactly what you are doing then you are hurting this person you supposedly love. So that love is special but only when it's convenient to you. Would you really be ok with her fucking around with other guys just because YOU don't want sex? Sorry op. I hope I haven't gone too far off topic
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DynamicCouple36
8 years ago
You have a single male profile, despite the fact that you have a partner. More than likely she does not know you are on RHP. You have admitted that you want to have a vigorous sex life and feel you are being forced to look elsewhere. Put yourself in your partners shoes. How would she feel about what you are doing? Would she be unhappy about it ? Feel betrayed and cheated upon ? And you wonder why people are being judgemental ? No one is forcing you to cheat. You have simply decided to cheat as you need more sex than your girlfriend can give you . - Posted from rhpmobile
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MsSuperFoxy
8 years ago
You have made a choice to be here without your partner...sort your shit out first then come back here. No one wants to be placed in a situation where there's deceitfulness. Just think, your partner might be here too. Who knows? Put yourself in her shoes. Ms Foxy
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Mischeviouslad
8 years ago
(Rightly or wrongly, I shall assume that you have attempted to seek outside help as a couple. I shall also assume you once had a satisfactory sex life, and that something has changed..... although, you have not told us this..... which tells its own story). In your topic... several words stood out to me. Is this (1) a waste of time? I'm in a relationship but my partner is (2) not willing to explore (3) options in our relationship, nor is she (4) willing to have a regular sex life (5) within this relationship. I wish to have a vigorous sex life so I am being forced to look elsewhere. I am sensing a lot of judgement on here for people in my situation. (6) Should I bother trying to meet a lover on here or am I just going to get judgemental responses from people who are (7) not willing to put themselves in my shoes. I will address each in the order youve written them... from the perspective of someone who has been in your shoes Asking if youre wasting your time tells me you have a clear agenda, and I get that, but it also tells me you are very demanding to YOUR list of needs. Is she not willing?.... or not able? There is a huge difference between someone who refuses and someone who has barriers. The fact that you put options, ahead of sex within your relationship again tells me you are demanding...possibly even controlling. Demanding attitudes dont improve a relationship. They erode one. And as you haven't stated if things were once great, but have changed, I can only assume that you entered the relationship because it was good... but that change has resulted from these demanding attitudes. Now... because my reply forces you to take an objective look at your own attitude, you may well choose to toss my opinion into the pile of those you decided are judgemental... simply because it doesnt suit your agenda. Your choice. Ive been in your shoes.The only answer is to take off the shoes that don't fit, and get new shoes. Anything else... is wasting time, and disrespecting all involved.
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aussian43
8 years ago
It is certainly more difficult, many ladies are not willing to risk the potential drama, or help someone who could be cheating. Plus it also means the attached person has other priorities in their life, might not be available for a spur of the moment connection. But it is not impossible. - Posted from rhpmobile
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Tall74nHard9
8 years ago
did your relationship dither ?There must have been an initial attraction to form your bond with your partner.If she was not willing in the first instance, then why follow through ? You definitely need to have better communication with your partner. Depending on those results, you should be able to either move forward with her, or be sensible enough to move forward on your own. No sense in both of you constantly being unhappy about the current situation. 'Cheating' will undoubtedly cause ill-will, and you know that you will always have to watch your back. Is it really worth that effort to stay in an apparently unsatisfying relationship ? Tall
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sweetgem
8 years ago
Totally thumbs up for yours comments! 👍🏼👍🏼 - Posted from rhpmobile
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Haleakala
8 years ago
Not everyone shares the same moral code. The previous success of an adult dating site directly aimed at people having affairs, indicates very clearly that an illicit affair is in fact a very popular passtime. People who are into having an affair and have been on this website for any length of time will be less likely to respond given the previous forum threads on the subject. I have seen profiles where the person is specifically looking for married and cheating. My assumption is that if both partners are cheating then both are looking for the same sort of relationship, with similar risks and similar precautions required. - Posted from rhpmobile
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sweetgem
8 years ago
It is not a waste of time to be on here while you are attached. This site, or sites like this, is for everyone and there is someone for everyone. Just be honest and transparent about your relationship status so that people, who you are interested in, can make an informed decision prior to hooking up with you. In my experience, having the right mentality, mindset and attitude while being on here is paramount! Don't say anything negative against those who don't agree with you, even if they judged or attacked you first! People have their own reasons for disagreeing with you and it is their choice of speech. Respect that and you just need to maintain your own level firm! However, having said the above, I think it is for your best interest that you don't make yourself sound like a victim in your relationship! It is not a good vibe for your sake because, grown adults are capable of taking care of our own lives and happiness! Nobody, or circumstances, can force a grown adult to do anything unless we allow ourselves to become a victim of our own weaknesses! And I say this from a personal experience! :) Good luck Oliver78 and remember to be respectful at all time :) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
1. "Forced" - no-one is "forcing" you to do anything. You are actively choosing to seek sexual fulfilment outside the confines of your marriage vows. No judgement. Just the facts. Own it. 2. There are many people on this site and therefore many varying moral codes. Some believe what you are doing is not right, some will understand/relate to your predicament and some will not care at all. Everyone will have their own opinion and rightfully so. In order for you to find a discreet lover, you will have to hope you connect with the second and third category. 3. The best way to accomplish that is to be honest. You need to list the fact that you are, in fact, married/attached and that you are seeking extramarital sex. Some women will be ok with that; some will not. Again, their right. 4. Incompatible libidos are a common cause of marital conflict. You're not Crusoe here. If you are HL and she is LL, that is going to cause a problem. Of course, marital disharmony is also going to have an impact on either parties willingness to engage in sex. If this is an ongoing problem that you have attempted to address without success, you will have to assess the long-term future of the marriage. People of a certain age will understand that relationships are not black and white, especially when there are children, finances and years of shared lives involved. Only you can decided if you can live with the CHOICE you're making. 5. There's no point whinging about the fact that not all women will agree with your CHOICE. TBH, you sound like a petulant child. I understand it's frustrating to have a sexually unsatisfying relationship but let's face it - women (by far) have the most options on here and for a lot of them, the potential drama that goes with being involved with a married person is simply not worth it. 6. If you really want to meet someone - be HONEST about the fact you're playing away, ACCEPT that your situation won't suit everybody and a lot of people WILL judge you, work on developing some kind of connection with a woman on here rather than pouting about the fact that you can't find a woman who will fuck you straight up. Ask the single men on here - some of them find it difficult to meet with someone! Imagine how much more unappealing your offer is in the light of that! 7. Work on your marriage - I suggest couples counselling.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Lots of people are in similar positions to yourself, Oliver78 (OP), whether or not their reasons for doing so are popular with the majority of users. My opinion for success on this site is not that someone has to be popular with the majority of users, only some of the compatible users. Almost every user, in every gender and/or relationship situation, experiences a fair bit of "no, thank you" (expressed in various ways) in their search. It doesn't necessarily mean that the whole search is a waste of time, but it can mean that a slightly different approach would be better. Maybe you're contacting the wrong niche market of users, or that your approach needs improvement. Congratulations for your bravery in being so candid in this forum post, correctly guessing that it would draw you some criticism. If you continue to be brave, honest and a little vulnerable in your approach, you may connect with people who do empathise with your situation, especially people who find themselves somewhere similar. It is a "hard sell," but it's not an impossible sell, if you're a good salesman. Find a way to turn the negative situations you've mentioned in your original post into positives, somehow. While a lot of people are turned-off by infidelity, almost everyone is turned-off by negativity.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Quoting 'AbnormallyNormal' 1. "Forced" - no-one is "forcing" you to do anything. You are actively choosing to seek sexual fulfilment outside the confines of your marriage vows. No judgement. Just the facts. Own it. 2. There are many people on this site and therefore many varying moral codes. Some believe what you are doing is not right, some will understand/relate to your predicament and some will not care at all. Everyone will have their own opinion and rightfully so. In order for you to find a discreet lover, you will have to hope you connect with the second and third category. 3. The best way to accomplish that is to be honest. You need to list the fact that you are, in fact, married/attached and that you are seeking extramarital sex. Some women will be ok with that; some will not. Again, their right. 4. Incompatible libidos are a common cause of marital conflict. You're not Crusoe here. If you are HL and she is LL, that is going to cause a problem. Of course, marital disharmony is also going to have an impact on either parties willingness to engage in sex. If this is an ongoing problem that you have attempted to address without success, you will have to assess the long-term future of the marriage. People of a certain age will understand that relationships are not black and white, especially when there are children, finances and years of shared lives involved. Only you can decided if you can live with the CHOICE you're making. 5. There's no point whinging about the fact that not all women will agree with your CHOICE. TBH, you sound like a petulant child. I understand it's frustrating to have a sexually unsatisfying relationship but let's face it - women (by far) have the most options on here and for a lot of them, the potential drama that goes with being involved with a married person is simply not worth it. 6. If you really want to meet someone - be HONEST about the fact you're playing away, ACCEPT that your situation won't suit everybody and a lot of people WILL judge you, work on developing some kind of connection with a woman on here rather than pouting about the fact that you can't find a woman who will fuck you straight up. Ask the single men on here - some of them find it difficult to meet with someone! Imagine how much more unappealing your offer is in the light of that! 7. Work on your marriage - I suggest couples counselling. I don't think I've seen quite so many judgements condensed into one forum post, well done, nice one and the upper case yelling, gave it that special edge
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AnnieWhichway
8 years ago
The OP's reason boils down the the basic of human instinct toward monogamy and wether we are programmed for it. Many a relationship is thrown into turmoil over it. Lets not judge. We are all in charge of our actions. If our actions hurt others, that person must ensure that they are big enough to own it and not blame the others in the equation. Not the partner nor the 3rd wheel/s
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RHP User
8 years ago
Ive been in ur partners position and it hurt like hell to discover my husband was having sex with others.... Cheating is cheating..... - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
I think the main context of the op's question was how he would go as an attached person on here, I didn't think he was asking for relationship advice. And being called a petulant child? My opinion is this forum is most definitely not a good gauge of who and how many will engage in activity with attached people, it's not a good cross section to use as a gauge. There are parties going on every day of the week with people playing freely with attached and unattached, uninhibited, not judging status, just enjoying their sexuality. To those who claim this forum is a good mix of moral standards, no it's not. 99% of women on here would have strong opinions about cheating. There is more than 1% on the site who couldn't give a toss, so that argument doesn't stack up. The guys I meet have never been on the forum, too busy with work and play, good for them, and there are plenty of people who, as was suggested above, never speak out, again good for them, but the idea that this here is a good example of general attitudes, no it's not, it's not even close, hence the op's comment about potentially being judged, he was bang on there. I don't have an issue with people choosing to connect with attached people or not, entirely a personal decision. I'm not judging those people. I do agree honesty is best on the profile. So long as you display your status correctly, it's then up to the individual to make their own choice, obviously normal attraction and other things comes into play, but honesty is the starting point, so I do agree there
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RHP User
8 years ago
There are those who are going to see people's opinion here as judgements OP, no doubt you'll be included in that. But that's just a sign to take the rose coloured glasses off and realise that EVERYBODY judges others.... Even those who claim to be non-judgemental of others, yet are the ones that scream "JUSGEMTAL BASTARDS!!!" in their contributions..... It's just some of us own it :) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
JUDGEMENTAL should be the word lol - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
But you can choose what you do about that.
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RHP User
8 years ago
I almost can't even be bother responding but I fail to see where I was judgemental. I merely suggested that the best bet would be to be honest about his situation. CAPITALISING one word is generally seen as emphasis, WRITING A WHOLE SENTENCE IS CONSIDERED SHOUTING. Giving an opinion about a situation, by definition will involve some form of analysis and judgement. And if you come to a forum asking for opinions, you're likely to get them. All I gave was my opinion. To reiterate: 1. Be honest - about the choices you make, the reasons for them and don't like about your situation on here.2. Accept that some people are against any form of cheating, some aren't, don't get you knickers in a twist about the ones who are, there are some who aren't. 3. Accept that there's no guarantees on here, single or attached. Accept that women have more choice than men.4. The OP wrote about point 1 and 4 in what I consider to be an entitled way. And to me, that sounds petulant.
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RHP User
8 years ago
I won't even bother reading your reply. Are you a school teacher? Sorry, but calm down and stop yelling and speaking to people like they're 2 yrs old. And a novel isn't necessary, I'm way too busy to read it. Women who are against cheating just sound like a worn out record anyway. How about we agree to disagree 👍
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RHP User
8 years ago
If your upfront with whoever u plan to meet then some will have no problem with u being attached, I myself would never consider going near an attached man but I don't judge people who have diff circumstances , I have been cheated on by an ex I found his profile on a sex site through web history and I was devastated and shocked to say the least - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
For all the frank responses. Some really excellent food for thought. I appreciate you all taking the time to comment. We did once have a dynamite sex life and it has dwindled, I have suggested counselling and maybe that should be the first step. She has expressed lack of interest in sex , and amongst many other things I asked her if she would like to try another partner, even on her own. I don't want to be jealous or possessive I don't own her and want to be strong in myself , I know others could please her as much or more than me and I'm not threatened by that. I will continue to think and try to sort this out. I will fix my profile on here, I don't wish to give people the idea that I'm single or available for a relationship. I'm still a bit clumsy with this site.. Cheers everyone, I'm still reading some of your responses. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
You're all right , I'm not forced as such, this is my choice. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Our sexual urges are a hard wired primal "FORCE " within us...but let's not overthink that.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Is it a waste of time being here? Maybe,maybe not. If you read profiles carefully and only contact women who are open to being with attached men then you might have some success . I hope you can be honest with your partner about being here otherwise you may cause both of you a lot of pain Q
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RHP User
8 years ago
Hey, great viewpoint. I like what you are saying. Makes a great deal of sense to me. keep it real
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RHP User
8 years ago
nailed it!
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Mischeviouslad
8 years ago
Interesting
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RHP User
8 years ago
Well done, Oliver78. I'm really impressed with your reply. If you do choose to stay on RHP, I hope you continue to use the forum. I think you will be an excellent contributor in future.Maybe the forum can be of additional use to you while you attempt to answer some of these difficult questions. It looks like you've gotten a fair sample of the answers you can generally expect.
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inspirit
8 years ago
Your life, Your choice. Why even bother with what others think. Fuck em. Reap what you sew tho - Posted from rhpmobile
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inspirit
8 years ago
Nice post. Carry on ☺ - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Oliver78 my hubby and I have been on a journey with our sex life. I can highly recommend The Ethical Slut by Esther Perel as good reading for couples trying to understand each other's sexual needs and how there really is no normal. Good luck. :)
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RHP User
8 years ago
Great responses and you've all been stirring up a lot of thought in me about why I want this and if it is worth it. I'll definitely check out the ethical slut book, thanks Dee, it sounds interesting! There still might be hope for my home sex life , things have improved a little. I do wonder though if my curious and kinky sexual nature will be satisfied in a monogamous relationship? ( cheers to the person that made that comment) I do often wonder whether humans are really designed for monogamy...I tend to think not. As a side note , who has seen the movie "Her" ...I think that tackles some of these issues in a really creative way. Cheers, this is a great forum, so many interesting, open, and thinking people! - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Summersolstice, I'll try to do that, didn't realise that was the case. - Posted from rhpmobile
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Cheekyarses
8 years ago
Very very interesting topic and super interesting responses. It's hard to answer as we don't know either of you personally. Just don't be too quick to jump 🙃 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Everybody for the comments. I'm going to cool it for a while, work on my relationship and read "the ethical slut" . Maybe I'll be back one day under better circumstances? - Posted from rhpmobile
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xelanox
8 years ago
I fully mentally support OP. I had that situation in my life: sexless partner, such a pain. And that idiotic position: oh my God, I don't want to have sex with my husband/partner but it hurts when he fucks somebody else. Facepalm. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Wise decision Oliver. To carry on would be detrimental to your relationship. I think the biggest mistake couples make, "not pointing the finger at you" is not beening honest right from the very beginning. No matter how embarrassing a topic might be if you don't share it with your partner it festers inside, the more you can't share the more distant you become. The intimacy with your partner needs attention first. Everyone's different but for us i think we had explored everything that just 2 people can do sexually before opening up to other forms of sexual satisfaction. Small steps mate, it was for us! Also if one of your sexual endeavors fails its not the end as long as you both can laugh about it 😉😂😂
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RHP User
8 years ago
Im always open and honest about my relationship status.. saves a lot of drama :) I also dont get in contact with people who are looking for unattached only... Greatly restricts who you can contact but at least we all on same page and everyone is fully aware of whats happening. Always going to get judgmental people on here (and its their right to do that) - best to avoid them :) PS to Op - your very brave for posting this :):)
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TakingMyTime
8 years ago
Well again if anyone read my profile would see that this was the site I found my ex on shagging away like a single man swinging his way into couples guy's and girls places under an alias name - yep a lot of people were not happy to find out he lied to them about himself yes prefer ppl be up front and honest about their circumstances or situation so they can make an informed choice or decision No one has to lie or be deceitful if it is just sex. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
You will certainly get judgement, and it will almost certainly come from people who have never been in your situation. It is a really gut wrenching situation where you feel that you have to choose between a sexless but otherwise happy/loving relationship, or ending it so your natural instinct for intimacy and sex can be fulfilled - like those are your only two options because society says we have to be monogamous. Unless a person has been in that situation then I don't they think they have any right to bestow judgement. For what it's worth I am in a similar situation. I grappled with those "do I, or don't I" questions in my head for several years. Eventually I had a serious sit down with my wife about it. I asked her if there was anything that could possibly be done to spark our sex life (literally anything, even her trying other guys or girls or absolutely anything). She said she just had no interest in sex whatsoever, and she then suggested that maybe I get it elsewhere. At first I was a bit offended and upset. I didn't want to sleep with others, all I wanted was a fun and adventurous sex life with my wife (or any sex life...). But eventually I came around and here I am. You might get a couple of replies for every 20-30 people you contact, some of those will be a polite thanks but no thanks, others will be a smart arse reply about your situation, but every now and then you'll get a genuine reply. I think if you're honest and genuine with people, eventually you will have a win. - Posted from rhpmobile
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Renegades
8 years ago
In my opinion, you make yourself out to be some sort of victim 🖓 Unless you really are; eg. In a DV relationship, with a downright feral, rude, resting bitch faced abomination of a human, you should probably take a good hard look at yourself (inside & out) and dig a bit deeper to figure out what YOU are doing or not doing to romance your partner into actually wanting you? How would you treat the woman or women that you meet here? Are you doing that at home? We don't live in the dinosaur age anymore mate, you can't just club a female and drag her into your love cave! It sounds like you've already made up your mind about your relationship so be a man and show the woman you've loved some common courtesy and respect. Tell her how you feel and give her some input. Why should the ball be solely in your court? There is undoubtedly more to the story. Maybe your partner has had a baby recently? Suffered a traumatic event? Has depression? Loads of scenarios I could come up with, maybe you should find out or be honest with yourself. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Also, if you end your relationship those people will call you a shallow prick, if you don't end it and cheat they'll call you an arsehole, and if you don't end it and keep going as-is, you might find yourself in a dark place. This situation is quite probably not your fault, so you need to look after number 1 first. Do what you gotta do. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Life is too short to be in an unhappy relationship. And sex is a big part of any relationship. Maybe not everything but if it is bothering you do something about it. Talk to your partner, leave, whatever. But if you choose to stay in an unhappy or sexless relationship, well do that and don't cheat on the other person. It really isn't worth it in the end.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Good question. Don't cheat and be an asshole, you should sort your life out first. If a relationship doesn't and cannot ignite the passion, it's time to move on. It hurts but you're obviously holding each other back unless there are more complicated ties, eg, business, kids, etc. Are you in love anymore? Could you both still be in love? However, it's really important that you recognise what your own priorities are. If the passion/relationship is unfixable and you have tried everything - then maybe it's time to face the facts. I've been on the other end of a female who realised her bf was cheating through tough times. It was sad. He went under a different name and we didn't do anything cos I thought he shady. I felt so bad for her. Don't hurt people for your own selfish needs. Respect to get respect back. I've also cheated before in my early 20s and it was the worst. I'd never do it again. I'm no swinger but I quite like being single. That's my 2c! - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
I've been here for about three years, on and off, and through this site I have come to terms with my diminished marital sex life, my sexuality and my circumstance. So in answer to your question you are definitely not wasting your time here, as forumite at least. There are those who will knock you in one way or another, but life's like that take no notice and carry on. As long as you are honest and respectful and honest with wife/partner, remain true to her and yourself then you will be able to plot your course through troubled waters. I am one of those who understand your circumstance through personal experience, it's not easy but you can keep your primary relationship and have an independent sex life if you use tact and discretion. Good luck...
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RHP User
8 years ago
hey Stirry you wrote it well good on you to I totally agree with what you have written As a single female I get hit on by married men...my profile says I wont go there...but still get hits I wont judge anyone I just decline to engage in that situation I think seriously tho people need to look totally at their relationships and talk about it with each other....you got together you dont want to split so be the brave and strong one and work out the defects in your marriage
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KittyKat2468
8 years ago
I agree with the fact that most people just want the right to choose, meaning know exactly who they're meeting and what the deal is . It's then a case of take it or leave it . I've had several situations where I've become involved with someone who later I realise is attatched , and it just lacks respect to not fully disclose that . I remember in the early years of my marriage (divorced nearly 7 years) , with having babies , and looking after young kids who are "on you" all day, the last thing I wanted to do was have any more touching , and was just too exhausted to show any enthusiasm . The ex was patient however we did lose the connection and became like housemates , which was a factor in the demise of the marriage . In a subsequent long term relationship , where we were both active on this site as a couple and variety was served up on a regular basis, as well as having a great sex life together, however , he still found time for others behind my back . The deception was devastating and I wish he'd just said , he'd had enough and left . Especially when I joined a site he'd been chatting on , and read some of the public chat comments, where he said he was horny and deprived etc .. and he would have been lying next to me in bed as he wrote it . The experience changed me and obviously find it hard to trust men these days.Maybe that's not a bad thing to be more wary. It's a free country and luckily no one gets stoned to death for having sex outside the marriage , I guess when I am involved unknowingly , then I feel used , and hey I've said to one or two, if one day your daughter collapsed into your arms when her partner had done this to her ? what are you going to say ? Well... maybe you should have put out more? No, you'll prob feel like killing the bastard who hurt your daughter ... just food for thought
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RHP User
8 years ago
It's great to hear that you are working on the relationship. I dunno what turns her on, but somewhere down the line, you stopped being that man. Maybe she feels that you don't listen to her, maybe she doesn't feel sexy anymore, maybe you don't give her enough attention. When was the last time you went on a nice date night? Humans love to feel these things from others - it's a connection. But she sounds very loyal still sticking with you :) kudos to you for venting on here. PS. Don't worry about what people think. But expect the worst, hope for the best - it's the best motto for everything in life 😊 In the end, nobody else knows what you're going through. I doubt anybody here would judge you. If they do, they need to look at their own lives because obviously their lives are too boring for them to understand your challenges. The empathy on here is overwhelming 😄💖 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Quoting 'RideAStud' It's great to hear that you are working on the relationship. I dunno what turns her on, but somewhere down the line, you stopped being that man. Maybe she feels that you don't listen to her, maybe she doesn't feel sexy anymore, maybe you don't give her enough attention. When was the last time you went on a nice date night? Humans love to feel these things from others - it's a connection. But she sounds very loyal still sticking with you :) kudos to you for venting on here. Hmm, I disagree that a decrease in sexual spark in the relationship is necessarily the OP's doing. Maybe that's the case, or maybe it's a contributing factor. Or, maybe she has her own stuff that is the majority of the story? Loss of libido or interest in sex can be a symptom of several medical conditions, for example, that it's not necessarily someone's fault for either partner acquiring.
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RHP User
8 years ago
I've been in a similar situation years ago, I didn't have a huge amount of trouble finding play friends but there was a difference..... I did find one incredibly sexy girl in the same situation as me and we had a look of fun. Personally these days, my girl and I won't play with anyone who's on the quiet. For her, I think she puts herself in the partners shoes and knows she wouldn't want that to happen to her, for me it's more about the implications if a partner found out. Back when I was single, I was messaging a guy about a mmf threesome, he had all the right stories and I was directly told, a number of times that she was on board........ Until she went through his phone and found his messages, that night I got told I'd "destroyed a family of 5" and called all sorts, I spoke to her, showed her his messages and she calmed down towards me, it still destroyed every last bit of trust she had I her husband though, she was gutted. No one wants to be involved in BS like that. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
No.... I do not judge a book by its cover, but I can only speak for myself, keep trying you will come across the right ones, they just might be diamonds in the sea of many, unfortunately it takes time and patience 😎 It may hurt to find your partner going behind your back but it also hurts to feel unwanted or unloved by your partner Nymph 😊 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
A lot of people seem to be jumping to conclusions that the OP's wife's lack of interest in sex if his fault somehow. I guess it could be, but no one commenting here can know that. If someone has physiologically lost their sex drive, no amount of romancing or helping out with the housework will fix it. It is a medical condition. It's like telling someone with depression to just "cheer up" - utterly useless. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Remember that old adage about not letting the facts spoil a good story. The story often is that the many spoil it for the few, many philandering men and many wronged women mean that on the balance of probability we're all bastards. When I first came here it was automatically assumed I was just another cheating bastard. There again you may well have nailed what it really is like for some of us...on the balance of probability that is.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Very therapeutic. Thanks everyone. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Relationship, you can't have a relationship that's built on lies and secrets and cheating. Do the right thing and leave. Give both of you a chance to be happy. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
I met an amazing man in exactly your situation on a seperate site. I had no idea he was married until after we met. It was full on for 2 months then he started pulling back time needed for "family" etc. amazing chemistry aside..... it's not fair on anyone involved. For all I know there could have been 3 if me at once. It hurt. Be honest. Upfront and honest. I tend to agree with general consencesus.... you have one shot to be happy if you are not getting needs met in relationship leave. It only hurts you and whatever person you decide to fill gaps with. Life is too damn short. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
I also disagree that leaving a relationship is necessarily the right thing to do, and/or is going to give both partners the opportunity to be happy. A long time ago, I had partners leave me because of what may have been fix-able problems in the relationship, without even trying to solve them first (from my perspective... accounts differ.) It had the exact opposite effect on me. I've never been more unhappy. Some of them even tried to frame what they were doing in a "positive" way, like now I was now free to find someone I would be happier with, yadda yadda. What would've made me truly happier would've been having a damn choice in the matter, or at least not being completely blindsided to literally wake up one day and find them gone. While I'm certain I would not have appreciated deceit or sexual infidelity on the part of said partners, I would have much rather had a discussion about what wasn't working and an opportunity to make it better than a "pull the rip cord at 4 000 feet" approach. I suspect that if people leave relationships every time they're unhappy, they're going to have a number of initially happy relationships that end in that result and wonder what they're doing wrong. My perspective is that relationships can have periods of unhappiness in them and still work long term. The key term there being work. I think our OP, Oliver78, is doing a brave thing by determining to continue to work on his relationship. I wish him every success with that.
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Reg44
8 years ago
2..you don't what you have ...until its gone 3... Opinions are like arsholes.. Everybody has one .... 4...good luck... Family first - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Found this topic particularly hit home for me as I recently discovered the 'single' guy I met online and have been seeing for a few months, is in fact married with a family. Does it change anything? Not sure, but it has certainly made me question and re-evaluate who I am and what my values are. I would have preferred truth and honesty, and the opportunity to make an informed decision. I don't want any more than what we already have, but starting from the belief the person you are involved with is single, is a whole different ball game to knowing exactly where you stand. Is it a waste of time? The reality is, only you can answer that, but my opinion is you are more likely to find exactly what you're looking for if you are upfront and honest about it. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
If you decide to cheat on your partner, please take a minute to consider how she will feel when she finds out (and she will, trust me). She will be hurt and angry. She will feel disrespected and like an idiot. She will be crushed that you thought she was stupid enough not to notice you were cheating on her. She will wonder how she could have been so wrong in her judgement of you. She will question her judgement every time she meets a man, for years down the track. Cheating is a cowardly act. Be a decent human being and have some respect for your partner. Talk to her and be honest. BEFORE you go doing things you may regret. Also, often there are medical reasons a woman has no libido. Other times is purely psychological. - Posted from rhpmobile
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