M55

BDSM - Getting started for submissive ladies...

June 20 2013

BDSM - agony and exctacy, pleasure and pain, beauty and the beast... Since I came back onto RHP recently I have noticed that many people are asking how to get started, how to find a good Dom or Domme and a variety of questions, some I suspect due to the popularity of 50 Shades of Grey. There ARE some pitfalls to watch out for but once you take the step, safely and sanely, a world of intricate and beautifully exotic Pleasures awaits. The sexual dynamic between Dom and sub is something intrinsicly lovely, precious and rare and extremely close and rewarding. But choose the wrong partner and it can also leave you upset, unhappy and distrusting. And that's not the worst that could happen. With that in mind I am reposting this from another thread that was initially to help a newbie but has since started enquiries to Me about how to get started and where to go. I applaud RHP for opening this section so that some of the facts can be posted and discussion encouraged. My post is knot the be all and end all and I encourage others in the scene to dissect and add to the discussion. In addition to the post below I should remind all potential players that a good BDSM Checklist should also allow room for medical conditions that may have a bearing on play. Asthma particularly - your Dom/Domme should know if you are asthmatic if you are considering bondage, breathplay or any restrictive activity for example. Other relevant injuries or medical conditions should be disclosed before you play. Information is power. Don't play until you are as certain as you can be that you have developed Trust and that your partner respects you above their own needs and desires. I Trust that this information is of some assistance... BDSM Checklist and safewords/actions BDSM, whilst being seen as a game can also have serious consequences if you make poor decisions or disrespect yourself. Trust is very important, take your time and develop a strong basis of trust with your chosen play partner. Safe words should not be optional (except for the most experienced players) so it is important that prior to a meet for play, your Dom/Domme SHOULD provide you with a simple safeword set up (like traffic lights) and you should be aware when to use them. As discussed above, a new player like yourself must ensure that your limits (the things you do knot wish to be involved in) are clearly stated and agreed to. Its a bit late when you are tied up with a gag n your mouth and He decides your limits aren't necessarily His. Safewords would ideally include a safe action (like a couple of quick taps using your hand or foot that translates to an "orange/red" signal to slow down or back off. That brings us to a BDSM Checklist. Again, a good experienced and considerate Gentleman/Lady Dom (which you would be wise to look for) will ask you for a Checklist. Ideally an emailable version so that He can study your experience level, consider your likes and dislikes (limits) (medical conditions) and particular things that turn you on or you may wish to consider. you will also find many words or phrases that you are unfamiliar with and that gives you the opportunity to educate yourself and understand more what's going on. I also use fetlife.com (a facebook like worldwide community specifically for fetish and kinky types) as it has Groups where people into the same thing can provide community support or answer questions and Fetish lists that you can add to your profile so that others can see what you are into. Fetlife is a good source for experienced and friendly players keen to help. Also, (I could go on for ever but you need succinct and simple advice at this stage) consider finding a Mentor. Someone whom you learn to Trust, whom has your best interests (knot self interests) at heart and can act as your Guide through the initial stages and may even assist in finding your first Dom or Domme. I have a simple set of terms for the initial stages that I use when describing a girls' initial forays into this lifestyle: These are not necessarily everyone's idea but after many years as a Dom I find this explains it to some degree and works effectively as a way of growing into the scene safely and sanely: Mentor - guides a newbie through the initial stages, discusses concepts and ideas, how to get started, Checklists, safewords and any of the initial teething issues around finding the right person for you. Teacher - similar to a Mentor but with a more hands on approach. A Teacher moves on with the sub from theory to practice, demonstrating the things you have discussed and perhaps what to try. May or may knot be the same person as your Mentor. A good Teacher sets up the play, makes sure everything is safe and ensures your wellbeing at all times, whilst taking you to the edge of your desires and fantasies, bringing you back to Earth gently and considerately. A good Teacher is also creative and keeps things interesting. Master - Acts as Mentor and Teacher. If a strong relationship develops between the submissive and the Teacher (or Mentor) they may decide to formalise their relationship (privately or publicly) and become Master and slavegirl (or any of a number of terms and variations). There are many aspects and different forms of a M/s relationship that include simple get togethers for play right through to 24/7, 7/365 formal live in arrangements. There is no time to go into detail here but a whole range of partnerships and arrangements are as acceptable as you are to them. If you are simply looking for bondage (non sexual) then there may knot be the need to enter this kind of relationship. Finally, when you play, you will likely receive a huge endorphin rush like a high because what you are doing may be exciting and new and thrilling (it may also be painful, sexy, fun hopefully or any of a number of new feelings and emotions) so it is important to be aware that what goes up, often comes down. An experienced bondage model or sexually submissive girl will be aware (as will an experienced Dominant) that you may suffer a form of sub-drop, that is, you feel down, depressed and shocked at what you have done. you may also KNOT suffer this but its important to know that it's reasonably normal reaction to a previous high and generally temporary. A good, experienced and considerate Dom will be aware and understand sub-drop and will provide important Aftercare for His submissive. Hopefully you recognise it for what it is and bounce back within a day or two. Dom/Domme drop is knot unkown also. I don't pretend to know it all, many are more experienced and knowledgeable but I hope these basic terms and suggestions are of assistance to you. Enjoy the ride but take time to consider what you want to do, develop a strong level of Trust with your Mentor and always play safe and sane. TallDarkman Xx

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RHP User

11 years ago

Love it- thank you so much - Posted from rhpmobile

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RHP User

11 years ago

Much respect, now adding my two cents. Many of us in the BDSM scene see Fifty Shades as a very poor representation of what we do. Although 'apeing' such scene staples as checklists and Domming, to me the depicted relationship is one step away from abusive. The absolute most important part of TDM's post there, to me, is the part about aftercare. Aftercare is not negotiable. Any wannabe Dom who talks about using you and walking away straight afterwards, or who does not bring you 'back' to reality is not someone that any sub should be submitting to. The fun bit about BDSM is, it can fuck with your mind. The bad bit is, it can fuck with your mind! Trusting someone with your physical safety is, of course, extremely important, but please don't underestimate the mental trust you need as well. Personally, my BDSM practices are somewhat less dogmatic than the above - I don't use checklists, for example - but I do ensure that all relevant kinks and wishes are discussed prior to the scene in other ways (checklists kind of make me feel like I'm at the RTA or something - or that the sub is ordering at a restaurant). *giggle* Subway anyone?! Oh - and that's my final point: BDSM does not have to be all deadly serious, for crying out loud! It's sex, which we have for fun! Make sure, whether it's light or intense, that on some level, you're having fun. My everyday friends are deadset perverts who enjoy everything from rope to sensual deprivation, extreme power play, latex, medical and even blood play. Doesn't mean they're not lovely people who enjoy a beer and a laugh too. A two-dimensional stern, frowny Dom can be fun - a three-dimensional complex Dom can be even better. MsK x

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RHP User

11 years ago

This whole BDSM is so mind boggling for me. Here we are trying to be more equal as female and male and then we like to play this submission games. Why?Is is still, even we are on the outside powerful and all mean on the inside we need the man to be the ALPHA strong tough and commanding?I would like to ask this question becasue it is a big ????? mark for me why would you be soo submissive playing an underdog? Sorry I don't get it.Is everything only sexual??? in this?????Hmmm I am curios Litonya

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RHP User

11 years ago

... Because power play is just that - play. It has no bearing on our power in real life. It's very relaxing to give away your personal power for an agreed-upon amount of time in an agreed-upon way with someone you trust. Being submissive as a female is, interestingly, more and more popular - it seems clear to me that, the harder we have to fight for equal treatment out there in Real Life, the nicer it is to relax and hand ourselves over to someone who will manipulate us towards pleasure. The same goes for submissive males, though - hence why you'll find so many CEOs and such being the clients of Dommes. The idea that a Dom is someone who hates, wants to punish or has no respect for their sub or their sub's gender is one of the most dangerous misconceptions of all. No respect, no play - that holds for everything, always.

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RHP User

11 years ago

Damn you WA, damn you!That is all.

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RHP User

11 years ago

Quoting 'Kinkstersinc' ... Because power play is just that - play. It has no bearing on our power in real life. It's very relaxing to give away your personal power for an agreed-upon amount of time in an agreed-upon way with someone you trust. Being submissive as a female is, interestingly, more and more popular - it seems clear to me that, the harder we have to fight for equal treatment out there in Real Life, the nicer it is to relax and hand ourselves over to someone who will manipulate us towards pleasure. The same goes for submissive males, though - hence why you'll find so many CEOs and such being the clients of Dommes. The idea that a Dom is someone who hates, wants to punish or has no respect for their sub or their sub's gender is one of the most dangerous misconceptions of all. No respect, no play - that holds for everything, always. I agree, but would also like to add that i think that because of society's need to deem every male a strong leader type, those that arent , and truly feel humbled by a woman's natural power, find they need to hide their feelings, and they then come out in a submissive sense to their Mistress. there are many guys who just want to serve and please

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RHP User

11 years ago

Because it is exciting, a big turn on and for me anyway a fabulous game to play. It has nothing to do with how you are in your every day life. For some of us... we need a bit of spice, role play, spanking, etc sometimes. Just for a bit of fun. And why not? It is interesting though, I have had friends ask if people into BDSM have been sexual abused as children because they can't understand why anyone would enjoy that. Of course, yes some are. But not all that is for sure! Especially masochists. I know I love to watch the public bondage /public humiliation videos for men dominating other men....... but I know that some people would view these with horror. It is an interesting subject. Why are some people into S&M, or B&D or both and others not. They do say there is a close link between pleasure and pain but why do some obtain sexual pleasure from pain? Was there something in their childhood that linked the two together in their mind... and not necessarily anything bad either. Why is it such a turn on for some people to play submissive? I am not really into the lifestyle at all so I can't answer these questions. For me its a sexual thing. I personally wouldn't be into slaving for a master. Pffft I would kick his arse first. LOL.

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RHP User

11 years ago

its great to read all this. I thank you very much.I am asked sometime by men would I like to be a Mistress,and I grinch and wiggle out, it is such a hard question to answer, because I have always seen it as a overpowering play and hurtful to the other. I am just not into hurting anybody.However after reading your response its interesting to listen. I will read about it a bit more.Now when I look back on all this comments only women wrote back, WHY is this?My eyes are much more open then they ever have been. Litonya

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RHP User

11 years ago

People's kinks, things that excite them and turns them on, are so varied. I think the thing to understand with all of this is that the people are getting sexual satisfaction from playing these roles. It excites them! Why, who knows. But it is what it is. :)

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RHP User

11 years ago

I live on the wrong side of the country :-(

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On_Safari

11 years ago

Like you Meeks I couldn't "slave" for anyone on a daily basis it's not me. But there is something to say for giving over control and just letting yourself go. I like a man who is strong enough to man handle me, strong enough in himself to discipline me. Not sure if I'm putting this into the right words. The "giving" of myself to someone I trust implicitly in say a restraint scenario and being cropped, then stimulated and cropped again being denied release....over and over again.? I don't know why but I want that, I want to know what I can take. Then again I know I may not be a good "sub" because I know I'd become agro at not getting the release I need when I want it. There's more though I think than that scenario, it's the tease, the seduction, the not knowing what's going to happen next in a M/s. I'm curious, I think alot of people are but they deny themselves either by choice or because there just aren't enough "real" teachers/mentors around and from what I'm seeing you're all in WA. I've said it before and I'll say it again, damn geography to hell! Yes Master Pie, I feel you....

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RHP User

11 years ago

Trust is the thing - the Dom knows their Subs' limits/wants/needs and wouldn't dream of ignoring them. If the Sub isn't happy, it doesn't happen - it might appear to the observer that the Dom just does whatever the hell it is that they want, but that's not what's happening at all....

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chevtrek

11 years ago

I could open a can of worms with this subject so will just say this. If there was a nuclear war and everything went back to primitive women would all become submissive to men to survive.

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RHP User

11 years ago

Quoting 'chevtrek' I could open a can of worms with this subject so will just say this. If there was a nuclear war and everything went back to primitive women would all become submissive to men to survive. ....and I'm going to bite and say that that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever read.....that's not a can of worms, it's a completely ignorant thing to say.

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RHP User

11 years ago

Quoting 'chevtrek' I could open a can of worms with this subject so will just say this. If there was a nuclear war and everything went back to primitive women would all become submissive to men to survive. That is the most ridiculous thing, out of all the ridiculous things you have recently posted, i've read! Firstly we'd all be dead, so no contest anyway.....secondly are you suggesting that we (women) can't catch a fish? or start a fire? or kill an animal to survive? As a single mother to 3 children-2 with special needs, i run a household, work almost full time, get everyone to after school activities, attend sporting events, look after our pets, mow the lawns, maintain the car, change light bulbs, do repairs,organize camping trips, hunt and gather our weekly food, manage our accounts, take the kids to their specialist appointments, and have my personal needs met with by some special men in my life!! What the hell do you think you'd bring to my life exactly? see that's the mentality you get when dating 'girls'......

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RHP User

11 years ago

I held fantasies of BDSM close to my chest for many years and had virtually no opportunity to express the sweet darker desires. I actually made my 1st tentative steps into Fet stuff a couple of years prior to the release of FSoG and have been only rarely able to indulge these sweet treats. Although it is rubbish literature, FSoG at least provided the opening for many to bring these desires out into the light. Unfortunately there is now such a large, vocal and very attention seeking scene that it seems very difficult to find genuine kinksters amid the maddening crowd. And it has taken the shine off a bit to be less risqué I think. Still holding hope of finding a delicious kinkster to learn with, not one of the many tiresome 'overnight experts'. LOL Munch in Perth this weekend may be the go. Anyway, each to their own and just my 2c

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RHP User

11 years ago

Dom in training and loving it. Being trained by an awesome sub rather than another Dom. Nice take on it. I find it really interesting to learn from a sub how she appreciates and enjoys it which in turn i hope it makes me a better Dom. Certainly through the whole experience has opened my mind to what it is all about and stereotypes are never true. Be interested to be in touch with others on east coast as almost at that sharing stage. And it was put to me, you never know that something truly belongs to you until you have the power to give it away :) - Posted from rhpmobile

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RHP User

11 years ago

I am a confident, strong if pedantic person and I LOVE being in control. So it came as a shock yesterday when I got together with a guy who proceeded to 'dominate' me. I couldn't believe it,,, Me. Now I didn't know this guy but it was almost like an instant rapport(even before getting down an dirty), when I came into the room he looked out for me and it made me feel like a woman and that he would take care of me. Of course when I felt like some fun I went to him. I enjoy sex and have been learning things since starting to swing, so we started and I was enjoying it (surprise) when he grabbed my hair and started to direct me, ok I will go along with this who knows, however it continued on this vein and the more he did it I found the hotter I became, I achieved and did things that I didn't know my body could do. How could I connect to the person in such a short period of time? How did he literally bring me to my knees panting for his touch? How could it be that I wanted this, begged for this. I know this coming out disjointed but I have read and agreed to other woman who say NEVER, I was one of those till last night and today I am just happy that my hubby allowed me to take his number because I want to see how he is and when can he take me even further.

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chevtrek

11 years ago

Before you say ridiculous go into the outback and try to survive with just the clothes on your back.

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BDSM - Getting started for submissive ladies...

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