F39
Can sexual chemistry grow from a fizzle?
April 20 2016
Comments
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horneycouplewa
9 years ago
Dont over think itshe's probably not ready Maybe an rhp exoerience
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RHP User
9 years ago
She's just enjoying her dates without a context or expectation for a particular outcome. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
I have totally not gotten my point across from those responses!!! My friend IS NOT ON RHP. She is 1000% conservative and would not feel comfortable on her at all She does not want a FB, she does not want an FWB. She does not do casual dating. She does not do casual sex - ever! She doesn't see the point in any of that - she would rather be celibate. Which she has been 95% of the time I have known her (6yrs) She is only interested in continuing to date men who are also looking for committed LT relationships. Plenty of of rules and expectations there I would say HoneyCouple. The question was hers not mine. She has met a nice guy, no spark, so can the spark grow as you get to know someone or not? Stirry. That is so far off the mark I don't know how you even came to that conclusion. I am clearly a very poor communicator. I like to debate things, so this is probably not the best place for in depth discussions. :)
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RHP User
9 years ago
I originally thought this would be a good place to pose the question my friend has asked. It's a forum of older people who have a wealth of experience. You all have been married, divorced, in relationships, in casual relationships and online dating. You have exercised, collectively, so much so I was expecting some useful opinions on the subject.
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RHP User
9 years ago
You have experienced that should say, not exercised. They really need an edit button!
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lovman8
9 years ago
and an awful lot of boxes need to be ticked before some people will even consider trying to co-exist.In some cultures that have arranged marriages some of the relationships formed are very successful, and presumably if they are arranged very few start with "chemistry". I can't give a definitive answers but I suggest you friend honestly examines what she wants from a relationship.
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RHP User
9 years ago
I wasn't all that physically attracted to my first boyfriend when we first met (at the ripe old age of 16). That attraction did grow though, and for a few years we a very good physical relationship. Of course I also lost that attraction for the last couple of years, most likely due to a combination of aesthetic reasons (he put on a fair bit of weight plus other things), and the fact that the relationship had obviously run its course for me. Of course in that situation he was the first guy I was with, both sexually and relationship-wise. I had nothing to compare any of it to, and sex and relationships in the teenage years and early-mid 20s are a whole different ballgame to that when you're older, wiser, and have more life experience. Knowing myself a lot better now, I'm aware of how important sex and sexual attraction is to me. I doubt I would enter into a relationship with someone I didn't have that physical attraction to initially. So, I suppose in the end there's no one answer and it depends on a few factors including how important the physical aspect of a relationship is to the person.
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RHP User
9 years ago
No
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RHP User
9 years ago
Jeez people if you're going to comment on a thread at least have the courtesy to read the whole topic. Shits me when people don't and their replies aren't relevant.
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AnnieWhichway
9 years ago
Of course it can but in the case of your friend OP, it wont if she puts too many boundaries on the first few dates. She's not into casual sex and sometimes the act of intjmacy can cause connections to evolve and deepen. There are probably quite a few in here that have started as FB or FWB and evolved into a deep relationship. The way you describe your friend, she needs fireworks on the initial meet to be able to go the next step. Whereas, a lot in here can drop their knickers if the guy is half decent with a nice cock shot.......... Did i just say that.......
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RHP User
9 years ago
I have tried so hard, have argued and tried to convince her that not all relationships have to be serious and sometimes you have to give these things time. On a second or third date (no sex yet) she asks what they are looking for and if they say nothing serious, or the dreaded friends with benefits, she will immediately say she is not into that and will not see them again. Even if up to that point she was really into them. The one time she took my advice it all ended in tears. :( Personally I think a lot of people say they are not looking for anything serious but that can change if you meet someone you really hit it off with, but that can take time. I myself, take a long time to really commit to someone. Her view is, if they don't want anything serious to start with they never will. God forbid having friends and sex for fun, but because her experience with men is so limited because of all her rules, she will always fall for a guy if she is sleeping with him (so she says).
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inspirit
9 years ago
Tricky question. I guess what she needs to ask herself is, will she settle for mediocre to begin with? Im not so sure it works or really grows. In all honesty if no spark of some description, why waste each others time. She needs to follow her intuition. Ive had sexual chemistry grow, but there was also other chemistry to begin with.... - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
I find choice of location is critical when you first meet. A public place is ideal for safety... but being tooo public can inhibit natural and forward behavior that can stimulate the "sizzle". A certain candor and assertiveness is required to test if it is real... two people being way to polite just does not get the the heart pumping or get the pheromones wafting.
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Mischeviouslad
9 years ago
Yes. It simply depends on the other influences. Look up Stockholm Syndrome to see an extreme example 😎 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
I'm positive, that, if you could figure out what the hell I was on about, you'd be a very rich woman lol I can only plead man flu as I'm sure the cookies were Arnotts lol - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
Like everything , if it's not casual it's something you need to work on. Being closed minded to a FB or FWB halves your chances right away. She probally thinks they don't count in what it is she's looking for but for all she knows, THE one might just be one of those she' s missing out on . We all know you don't just go out and find Mr right all that easy.
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RHP User
9 years ago
That is a question your friend needs to answer for herself. Everyone has the talent for answering their own questions in a much more accurate way than someone else. Besides life is a journey of discovery. Surely it is better to go and work things out for yourself/herself. I personally have not succeeded in getting the passion to grow out of something as flat as a pancake , but for someone else it might be possible, especially if they live in a culture where that is their ONLY choice! 🙃 Best of luck eith this topic!!
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Single_Guy4U
9 years ago
If it is possible for a long term relationship to start with fireworks / spark and over time evolve into a warm glow with sparks and fire occasionally (generalisation I know), then why would it not be possible for the reverse. To start slow, get to know each other and build into a raging fire the better the couple get to know each other, then slow into the warm loving glow over time with occasional or frequent bursts of flame. Just a thought.
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RHP User
9 years ago
I think it can when i met my ex i wasn't attracted to him but as i fell in love with him then there was an attraction. Now that I don't love him anymore I sit back thinking what the heck? a friend of mine that i got together with too 15 years without an attraction and then bam and yep there is certainly an attraction now :)
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AnnieWhichway
9 years ago
So agree with you. Relationships develop when you least expect it and also when you dont want it to. How many married men and women start looking for a bit extra to fill the gap (pun there....)at home. They may be basically content apart from the sex. Then without wanting to, they develop with all the complications. Without offending, i think your friend needs a good root with a few orgasms. Does she truly enjoy sex or does she see it as just a part of a serious relationship?
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AnnieWhichway
9 years ago
Guys that are good roots can be housetrained and make good husbands. Guys that are housetrained but are dud roots can be trained to make good butlers. Think about that ladies........
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madotara69
9 years ago
I think friendship is the bond and foundation for a relationship to go the miles, but that friendship needs to be the centre of life always, maintained until second nature, your friend could be depressed, over worked, heart broken, stressed, feelings suppressed from a time with trauma is very common, he may be having problems as with or vice-versa. Friends can get through and support each other, feelings can develop, chemistry ? why not if care for each other guides a future that has not happened otherwise, Eye to eye though. Mado Mado Tara xx
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RHP User
9 years ago
I suppose she must see sex as only something she does is a committed relationship because by her own admission she can not separate sex and love. By the way, my friend is older, in her early 40's.
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soretongue
9 years ago
So many different variables depending on the person eg attitude, past experiences,mindset,timing, something they read that day. I think it helps if there is some attraction or something u admire/ like about the other person to begin with. Chemistry/ attraction grows from spending time with a person, sharing experiences. Lust/ honeymoon period only lasts so long, then the real work of being in a relationship begins. How much importance does your friend put into sexual atttraction? Then there is the question of sexual attraction/ fantasy vs the reality. There'll always be exceptions to the rule as well. Relationships n risk go together. That's why it's so good when things do work out and devastating when it doesn't. - Posted from rhpmobile
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AnnieWhichway
9 years ago
Generalising a little here. In my experience, a women that enjoys sex for what it is, can separate the two between relationships. They would be open to a fb or fwb but only strictly between. Perhaps she is a little hung up with sex in itself and only tolerates it to complete/unify relationships. Not saying there is anything wrong with that. There would be plenty around like that. Problem that sometimes arises with that is once the relationship cements, interest in sex wanes and causes its own problems I'll wait for the flak for the comment. But im only generalising. I dont know her circumstance. Maybe you do?
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RHP User
9 years ago
But from what I do know there are many "hang ups". Won't even dance. This topic has gone very off course. Thanks for all the responses. I think Annie your comment that sometimes you have to allow some intimacy to develop to see if there is a spark resonated with me. Thanks everyone.
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RHP User
9 years ago
PS my belief is the hangups come from a traditional upbringing focused on achievements and hard work and fun probably came very low on the priory list. I am trying to get her to loosen up with some moderate success.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'AnnieWhichway' Generalising a little here. In my experience, a women that enjoys sex for what it is, can separate the two between relationships. They would be open to a fb or fwb but only strictly between. Perhaps she is a little hung up with sex in itself and only tolerates it to complete/unify relationships. Not saying there is anything wrong with that. There would be plenty around like that. Problem that sometimes arises with that is once the relationship cements, interest in sex wanes and causes its own problems I'll wait for the flak for the comment. But im only generalising. I dont know her circumstance. Maybe you do? exactly my thoughts
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Lovinit28andKC72
9 years ago
You can most definitely form a sexually attraction to someone over time, when you get to know someone on a more intimate level. This takes time, more than a few dates and you must keep your open mind open to possibilities. That's how it was done before the Internet. I hope she finds the spark and fireworks she is searching for.
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RHP User
9 years ago
I've tried it both ways with the chemistry thing and i have found that chemistry, as great as it is, can be overrated. It helps you to make bad choices for a start. The chemistry you feel can override ur better instincts sometimes. I think it really depends on what ur looking for ultimately because chemistry is sex and a relationship needs so much more than just sex to succeed. I think as long as you find him attractive the sexual desire will increase as ur feelings for him do 😊
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RHP User
9 years ago
Absolutely agree with that statement !
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RHP User
9 years ago
Seriously, she takes 2 or 3 dates before asking what the other person is looking for???? WTF?!?I have had a problem where i become a friend to the woman, then they don't want to fuck you because you're friends…at least thats what they say! :)))unfortunately, that means i have found more success, when just wanting a fuck, by being arrogant. fine line between confidence and arrogance i guess.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Not sure what you mean by that. Do you ask dates - in the real world not adult dating sex site world - what they are looking for on the first date? If they are looking for long term serious commitment??
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ruby_blossum
9 years ago
from what you have said about your friend,my thoughts are, she had spent most of her life turning off her sexual side. She may be so used to being celibate she no longer even recognises a 'spark" or chemistry between her and any man she meets.confusing any attraction instead with the need to be in a forever relationship. Yes, I do think strong attraction can grow as you get to know a person. Feeling mutual trust and love can do that for you.
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PurePeony
9 years ago
Quoting 'AnnieWhichway' Guys that are good roots can be housetrained and make good husbands. Guys that are housetrained but are dud roots can be trained to make good butlers. Think about that ladies........ I totally second that! You can make a good husband out of a good root. But a dud root... where do you stick them exactly?
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PurePeony
9 years ago
... I can totally understand where your friend is coming from, OP. I used to think like that not too long ago (although I very often ended up in unconventional, "unexpected" situations that kinda surprised me!) I suppose over the years, I've learnt to be more open-minded and flexible and I've come to the realisation that there is no one-size-fits-all abracadabra off-comes-the-bra magic formula for sexual chemistry. I have had relationships that started with the sexual attraction looking like a very dead flatliner but as the love, understanding, and acceptance grows, the fondness grows and along with it, the sexual chemistry starts to sizzle. I have also had relationships where the sexual attraction is so darn lava-hot initially but it just as quickly sizzles out and at the end of it, there are no shared values, no common topics of interest for conversation, and communication styles that are too different or one party has fears of attachment yada-yada and the relationship disintegrates. Sex alone does not a solid relationship make. But a solid relationship built on love, mutual respect, commitment, etc can form the framework to great sex. Afterall, IMO, nothing beats sex with love. I've tried sex for the sheer lust of it, and whilst it may help keep me sane by satisfying my crazy horniness, sex in the context of a loving relationship is worlds better because it involves your hearts and souls, not just your bodies and its urges. You've given your friend so much good advice, OP. But I think this is something she has to learn on her own because it sounds like she has got a pretty obstinate personality. Some folks prefer to have a great sense of control over the situation and they want to tick all the boxes before starting a relationship proper. However, people are dynamic and ever-changing. As situations arise, it allows us to see a different dimension of someone's personality which changes our perception of them either for better or for worse. The more we get to know someone, the better we are able to make informed choices as to whether we are compatible enough to take that deep dive into the unknown. The urge to merge is very human but for me, it has happened in so many diverse shapes and patterns that I truly cannot sit back, fold my arms, and pronounce that one way is THE surefire way. My longest relationship started based on sex. I actually kinda hated the guy and didn't like it whenever he talked, but he was darn GIB and he knew how to make good use of his man bit and I loved how masculine he was and loved how I always felt like a dirty bad girl whenever we got together! That relationship slowly blossomed with sex as the fertiliser. I've also had relationships where we started off as friends and there was almost zero sexual attraction until one fine day, lightning struck and suddenly, we saw each other differently. From zero to hero. LOL!!! Maybe the big issue could be to relinquish control? There are so many faces to a cube just as there are so many ways to make a man / woman orgasm. There really is no one formula that works all the time. Whether sexual attraction has to happen first or not for a relationship to work, who knows. The important thing is to listen to your heart's prompting and dare to take chances. OP, I don't think your friend will be able to sleep well at night if she encountered a man who hits all the right buttons except the sizzling sexual chemistry one, and she let him go because of that. She would be spending a lot of restless nights thinking, "What if... ".
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RHP User
9 years ago
long term though, when that person walks into your life who blows you away on all the levels... Well, the one your friend built up to loving wouldn't have a chance. Also, doesn't mean they wouldn't loose interest in her. It's quite probably just not right. I would be wary of men who like you more than you like them. I wouldn't advise to settle for less than a powerful connection. I WOULD advise her to sample the goods before making her decisions though. 😉 My comment will seem a bit all over the place but that's love and life and experience. -longest. Xx - Posted from rhpmobile
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