F41

Cant we still be friends ?

March 14 2018

My first forum So I was chatting to a guy at the weekend and he indicated to me within the first few minutes that he was seeking hook-up only, not interested in a relationship etc (I think we all know the spiel although his profile stated differently ) . This was not of real interest to me but I was enjoying the chat. During the course of the conversation I let drop that last week was my birthday and the plans for the weekend included catching up with my friends, explaining to this guy that friendships were very important to me as I had no family members living in Australia and my friends were essentially, my family I then let slip that my ex would also be attending the event being arranged My potential hook-up totally lost his shit when I mentioned this. He questioned me intensely on how I could possibly be friendly with my ex, clarifying that once his relationships were over, for what ever reason, he was done and dusted I explained that my ex and I didn't have a curly breakup. We just broke up, growing apart perhaps and both wanting different things in life etc. The breakup still rocked me and as a result I took off overseas and remained there for three years. While I was away I was in occasional contact with the ex (general info email) as I was with others in my life. Upon my return back to Australia, I have caught up with my ex on various occasions (maybe once every two months) as he stored some furniture for me while away and he had custody of the cat. He was also instrumental in me finding a place to live until I was able sort out permanent accommodation. The reality was he helped me out until I got back on my feet here. So yes on the whole, we have remained friends. We still move in similar circles and we do have mutual friends. In the time that I was away he had a relationship that sadly failed . Since I have been home ( 8 months) we have slept together once. Too much alcohol and memories. We both agreed it was a mistake, we aren't interested in starting up again but if anything it was just reassuring and comforting, but we both know you cant go back and we haven't He was my boyfriend for 5 years and a good boyfriend at that, we just grew apart. I realise that many have horrible, terrible stories of their exes and in many cases one does have to remain in contact with their exe due to kids etc. I'm glad to say I am in occasional contact because my ex is a mate. My potential hook-up completely lost it over these facts, ending the conversation that he could never have anything to do with me as I was in a "complicated situation" with my ex. Huh ? This has left me totally confused seeing this guy was only interested in random hook-ups anyway So my question is, why is it for some of us, the presence of a ex, so threatening ? Do you eradicate your past or do you treasure it for what it is now, a lovely memory but no going back ? Footnote: My ex is currently seeing someone. I haven't met her but have heard about her from him at my party and I am genuinely happy for him as he seems happy. I can only wish the same

Comments

MissRedFox

7 years ago

And kinda immature. It's lovely that you and your ex are still friends and still supportive of each other. I think it's great and in some cases where getting along with an ex is important (like in sharing children) run in the same circles and I've found in swinger/kink circles you never really get rid of a ex so might as well get along. The relationship with your ex is far more important than a hookup and personally I find his outrage a red flag of controlling behaviour XX - Posted from rhpmobile

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RHP User

7 years ago

I dont have much to do with my sons father as he turned nasty after the breakup and therefore I dont really care if I ever see him or hear from him again. I had dinner with my ex this week, we had a mainly fabulous time together and still enjoy each others company. I mentioned it to a guy I was chatting to and he said that its better to make a clean break. I dont think so. If you can remain friends then why not. If the relationship was toxic, then yes, make a complete break. I think if a potential lover thinks you are still seeing your ex they sometimes think that you still have feelings for each other and it makes them feel a bit insecure. Even though its not the case. However....if a guy I was seeing still saw his ex now and again for dinner, Id have no problems with that. . But every week...Id be thinking there was still unfinished business.

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Hawt1

7 years ago

"So my question is, why is it for some of us, the presence of a ex, so threatening ? Do you eradicate your past or do you treasure it for what it is now, a lovely memory but no going back ?" I am on good terms with most of my exe's.. although I would only probably trust some of them to be in the same room as the others. What do I fear would happen.. perhaps note comparing and probably some fun at my expense. I can handle that, I am not insecure in my abilities. Some of them could be jealous of the others. One ex I avoid like she was the dreaded PEST POX PLAGUE, but she is bad news for anybody and is out of jail recently for the second time for fraud and ruining peoples lives. Thankfully my child with her is grown and I am no longer required to have any form of contact. The other mother of boy no.2 lives overseas. She broke it up, but we maintain contact for my son, sometimes she flips me a text to ask how I am. For the majority of ex's I have had, I would go back, but only if I/they were in a position to do so. If I were to be confronted with a another's ex? Provided they are not acting like a dick head, no worries. This fella you are talking about seems a bit irrational with trust/jealousy issues. He was leaving the door open to a relationship but just testing the waters with you initially.. dont worry you have scaired him off good and proper and probably dodged a bullet in the process. I have answered your question, I am curious, where are you from overseas?

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intheswing

7 years ago

My wife’s ex calls in gets invited to family birthdays etc they are his kids too so much easier for everyone to build a bridge and get over it than to try and keep up the fight - Posted from rhpmobile

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AnnieWhichway

7 years ago

The past has made us what we are today.I get the issues of ex's hating each other for whatever happened but if the experience wasn't so bad that we can move on past it and remain friends, why not. After all, you share a large part of you life with someone if the chance to remain friends is there, why not take it and continue a bond of sorts.My wife, yes still married and will continue to be, have been separated for 3 years. She endured a lot of heartache because of me and no one could have blamed her for moving on and cutting all ties.But the type of person she is, has allowed us to rebuild the bond. We are best friends. We go camping together, share our holiday house, will holiday together. We live separate lives mainly. We dont have sex. That part is gone for both of us. But we have each others back.But for her, she has to keep our friendship hidden from some of her family and guys she sees. They can't deal with it.Combination of homophobia and society dictating what is acceptable what ex's are permitted to do and not do. So I reason that it is an open mind thing with a level of maturity. So many closed minds out there. Fuck them, I have no time for them and cleansed my life of them. Good riddance. Nice topic Pipsqueakand good luck

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MsSuperFoxy

7 years ago

Might have (from his point of view) seen things as rebound or something like that. No one wants to be placed in that position. He actually did tell you, he just wanted a "hook up" and gave you a choice. He doesn't want complications. Not only that, I personally believe things got "too friendly" too quick (dropping things/letting things slip) within the exchange of emails. Yes, I'm friends with some of my exes. The difference is we are friends, that's it. We've had the conversations about boundaries etc and what can or can not be discussed with other people. While I am single, I can be with whomever I want. However, I do not go around discussing my personal private life with potential hookups as "some" are not as open-minded as others. All the best are there are some great people on this site. Ms Foxy

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RHP User

7 years ago

Superfoxxxyb Im sorry I should have clarified that this conversation was via phone after chatting via here and another medium for about a fortnight My potential hookup wanted to catch up last weekend but I explained I was out of Melbourne as it was a long weekend and I wasn’t around to meet. I explained that my friends had organised a get together at a nice restaurant and being spa country my ex had kindly organised for a spa massage treatment that my friends had chipped in for my present. He picked up on the fact that I was in contact with my ex of which I then explained he was Going to be present at the same dinner organised If anything I think my potential hookup should perhaps change his profile to reflect his current wants which were very different from his phone conversation with me My question was about staying in touch with our history and why some view this as a complete no go. Understandable in many circumstances but not in all . I shared my experience to fill out my question a little bit more

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RHP User

7 years ago

I am originally from the Maldives. Gods gift to the world :-)

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tamworthguy46

7 years ago

Yes you my have dodged a Bullet with that Guy, he obviously has trouble with people that have differing opinions to his. Being able to friends with exes is a real sign of maturity,one would think, sure sometimes it's not possible, that's life. I am friends with my ex wife nowadays. like %100, she was once someone I was deeply in love with and also someone I hated for a period of time. I would pick still be friends any day with anyone. Welcome to the Forums

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RHP User

7 years ago

Your relationship with your ex is normal as...as far as I'm concerned. I have the same relationship with my ex...it ended 5 years ago, and for the first 2 or 3 years after, we exchanged occasional messages and photos of our adventures...her living in America at first, me back in Oz. She stayed over for a few days when she returned to Perth to ship her belongings on to NZ, and we even exchanged gifts from our travels overseas. I gave her a fox pelt scarf i bought in an op shop in Scandinavia( she's into farming, hunting, skinning, etc.. ) and she gave me a set of folding knives from the US. That's what friends do.Unlike me, she has almost zero interaction on Fb or any social media, so we email rarely now....but we're friends still. Or there's a friend I loved even before that( who didn't love me, incidentally )....11 years ago...who I regularly interact with on Fb. She's been happily married for 7 or 8 years....and her husband even friend requested me on Fb 2 or 3 years ago( I imagine she would've mentioned me, her friend and unrequited admirer back then, to her husband ages ago )...and despite that we've never met, he's clearly a top bloke and I like him. There's no reason not to be friends with the husband of a woman I used to be in love with, either. It's the mature, grown-up path to take with people and relationships, I think.Your potential hook-up doesn't sound mature or grown-up.

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theredlordau

7 years ago

I think you dodged a bullet. As Tamworthguy said . I still speak to my ex and her kids as I spent alot of quality time with them. I enjoy catching up with them. Nothing wrong with having mature relationships and i like the examples her and I are both setting for her children. - Posted from rhpmobile

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gazpacho

7 years ago

I can’t see an issue. I’ve fucked dozens of my friends and we are still friends. Strange as it is to some! I’ve even had old girlfriends, their husbands and kids come and stay with my family, time and again with a couple of them. You’re dodging a bullet dodging people who want to “own” you. A loving relationship is two people doing their own thing, separately but together. You are the boss of you? Kind of thing. Hugs Gaz

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LetsFrolic

7 years ago

When a girl wants to just be friends she's just too weak to say she doesn't want anything to do with you - Posted from rhpmobile

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RHP User

7 years ago

So I can’t quote you I’m not understanding your comment. I can’t see your point, can you clarify your statement ? I cant see any weakness in this scenario as I choose to remain friends with a man I used to sleep and live with, yet we haved both moved in different directions with each other’s best wishes I hope he will be in my life for a long time yet and if he isn’t, I hope our friendship dies a natural death and we don’t part due to a third party on either side To re focus I’m more interested in why a man who made is so clear he was only interested in casual hookups reacted so strongly about me being friends with the ex and he viewed it as “complicated situation “why did it bother him so much, especially as he was offering nothing but casual ?

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ruby_blossum

7 years ago

when you can stay friends with an ex. At one time you were in love...then you"fell out of love"....most folk dont "fall into hate." Some folk stay friendly for the sake of the kids.... Some are just friendly people. Its nice. It sounds like the guy you were chatting with has his own issues with past relationships His problem not yours. I have been in touch with various guys over time who say they are seperated but still live in and share the family home with their ex. I have politely declined any invitation to go ahead and meet as past experience for me has not been good in this situation...ex screaming at you, going back to the ex etc and I choose not to be a part of that shit.

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RHP User

7 years ago

So... he is "done and dusted" with his exes after it is over? Sounds like they are done and dusted with him :p - Posted from rhpmobile

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RHP User

7 years ago

so I don’t understand when people have an issue with you still being friends with them... there is no harm in being friendly with your ex. I am still quite close with mine and we speak almost daily and keep each other updated in what is happening in our lives. If he’s having issues with his Mrs he will call me for advice knowing I will tell him straight if he’s messed up and what he needs to do to make it up to her. I can say anything to him and vice versa. Any new potential that is threatened by an ex has insecurities. If you are still sleeping with an ex then it may be hard to break that once you get in another relationship but if there’s no sex anymore then no one should feel threatened by your ex. Same goes for best friends or close friends of the opposite sex. Some new partners feel threatened if a girl’s best friend is male. I’ve had partners threatened by it and one told me I was not to see my bestie any more. If we’ve been friends for 30 years and we haven’t even kissed, then it’s obviously not going to happen when I’ve met someone new and in a relationship - people just need to get over their insecurities and understand that not everyone has ‘hate’ for their ex’s and life can continue with being civil and even being like best friends after the relationship ends - Posted from rhpmobile

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RHP User

7 years ago

He needs to grow up. You can stay friends with an ex as long as you are not continually contacting each other, meeting for lunch etc. I'm civil and friendly with my ex, I have a son to think about. I will not be making arrangements to meet however. From Male half of the couple - Posted from rhpmobile

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Dryphuz

7 years ago

Even hairy breakups can become distant memories and you move on. Shit would have to be totally pear shaped to never be forgivable or forgettable. Maybe the dude had only been through bad breakups and holds grudges. Maybe he's just an asshole. The latter seems most likely.

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RHP User

7 years ago

For male half of Shazscot So staying friends with an ex is ok with you. it’s also conditional Eg: not continually contacting each other , meeting for lunch etc Why ? Does that go for friendships with my girlfriends too ? Why is there a line drawn because of his gender ?

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RHP User

7 years ago

I guess it really depends on the individuals involved. Some people I've been with are still friends; we each care about the other's happiness, want the best for each other, help each other out when need arises. The relationship is simply different now, that's all. My ex-wife threw lies and false accusations at me during our divorce. Another ex has behaved similarly. In both cases, I've simply given up. I don't need that negativity in my life. The dumb thing is that if either of them desperately need help, I'd probably give it. Clearly we need to be careful about who we let into our lives and the kind of energy they bring with them. I wouldn't want Mr Done-and-dusted in my life either. - Posted from rhpmobile

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Cant we still be friends ?

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