TW35
Cheating - When you are compelled to expose it.
May 19 2015
Comments
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RHP User
10 years ago
you may be on your own right now....but at least you have your integrity.... The friend is only hurt because he has none and is riling at how easy it was to be exposed... Forgive yourself for your ignorance as it was not a choice that you had; and move onward and upward. 😊 - Posted from rhpmobile
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Mr_MrsAraps
10 years ago
I feel for you being put into that position. Yes you both have a lot of shared history but he put in a shitty position of having to lie for him which is his own fault not yours. If he can't see that it's his fault and accept responsibility instead of shunning contact with you (ie angry with you cause of what happened) ..... It's up to him to say sorry. I would ask you. If he comes around and says to you "I was a tool by putting you in that situation and then shunning you like that and am sorry" would you forgive him and be able to move on and still be friends? If the answer is yes then you have the option of saying or texting "we have been through some tough times in the past and am here to talk" and when he does eventually talk to you about it make sure that he does say sorry and understand the shitty position he put you in and his problems are of his own making. Some people shouldn't make monogomous commitments they know they will enviably break cause they are not suited to manogamy and should be in an ethically open relationship. Cheers, W. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
Why did you send a couple having heated sex in the next room a text message and expect them to look at their phone? That is a bit weird. In my opinion you shouldn't have called the GF over to discuss your mates "cheating". You should have spoken to him first, I would be pretty pissed off to if a close friend went around me and went straight to the other party. That's not how things should be done. Unfortunately now you may have been painted as the bad guy but hopefully things will work out once the dust settles.
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AnnieWhichway
10 years ago
Feeling for you Dont go too hard on yourself. Your housemate disrespected you by putting you in that situation. Now he's trying to make himself feel better by reacting against you. He did the cheating and should expect the consequences whatever they are. I have cheated and a friend put me in. But i accepted fully my actions and the friendship never changed. So whatever was your decision at the time, he has to take ownership of the situation because it was solely his choice to go there. Flirt me if you need to chat. Annie xxx
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RHP User
10 years ago
To me like self sabotage on your friends part KK...if you could re-wind the film,what would you do differently if anything?...If you have a solid friendship your friend will be back..just give him time..If not then just accept that most relationships come to a conclusion...and don't beat yourself up..you did what you did at the time in good faith because you chose not to enable someone's else's lies and be complicit in that ..hugs xxFreya
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RHP User
10 years ago
can't accept responsibility for his own actions. You didn't intentionally do anything wrong. Your friend shouldn't make you feel bad for something he did. It hurts to be disappointed by those you trust but you would be hurting more with guilt if you didn't follow your conscience and tell his gf the truth. She got to see the real person he is, a liar and a cheat. LG
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RHP User
10 years ago
I get that you've become friends with the (ex)girlfriend... but I think you'd have been better off staying out of it when you didn't need to be further involved. A text to say "hey, be careful driving home, let me know you get there OK" but not getting into detail about what actually happened.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Firstly, I'm not condoning any behaviour... I'm just more than a little confused... If this guy has been your room-mate and good friend for 8 years, why send a text to the girlfriend and not your friend for starters? Even better, why not a gentle tap on the door and asking them to keep it down? You were only a few feet away by the sounds of it... I agree with Meeka - why send a text to people having sex? Then to contact the girlfriend and console her, instead of speaking with your good friend first... Hmmmm - probably going to get shot down for this, but I'm reading that there was deliberate sabotage, and now everyone's paying the price. Just a thought...
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RHP User
10 years ago
I recently made friends with a group of people. I am only good friends with two of them. One of the girls from the group is married - and I walked in on her husband cheating on her at a party I was at. I still haven't told anyone. It's just too awkward - and to be fair, it might turn out for the best and I definitely didn't have the authority to ruin a relationship. On the other hand - this guy is a complete c*nt. I see him out all the time, and he is by far the sleaziest guy I have met.
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Dryphuz
10 years ago
You did the right thing, calling him on his crap. You could have gone about it differently, that's true, but overall its better in my opinion. Having said that I have a dislike for cheaters, so i may be a bit biased. Your ex housemate will own his stuff eventually. His pride is just a little bruised right now. Look at it this way, if he didn't recognize his fault he wouldn't have reacted at all. He's clearly enough of a moral person to feel bad about what he did, his emotions may be a bit confused and he may illogically allocate blame for a while, but he will come round. I'm with Meeka too though, i would have confronted him not spoken to her, but that bridge has been crossed so whatever. He didn't answer, she did, so you talk to her. In the heat of the moment for something so momentous, that's perfectly understandable. Don't worry about the forumites who think maybe you were being malicious, they probably just haven't quite gotten into your mindset at the time. I get it. Late night, other crap going on, not really thinking much about it, you message whoever, then it blows up. Time heals all wounds...
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RHP User
10 years ago
What a horrible position to find yourself in. Quoting 'Meeka100'In my opinion you shouldn't have called the GF over to discuss your mates "cheating". You should have spoken to him first, I agree with Meeka here, though must admit I probably would have done the same thing you did if I felt my loyalties were with the girlfriend more than him. I hope your flatmate gets over it. If he wanted you to not get involved in this, he shouldn't have brought the cheating into your home. My 2cts
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RHP User
10 years ago
The text was late you probably werent thinking straight. One lesson learned never get involved with telling close friends about the possibilty that one might be playing up. I learnt that one with too good friends that were seeing each other. I was torn whether to saying anything about the one whom was cheating, in the end I did and I lost both of there friendship. That was when I was 18yrs and never have made the same mistake again.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'Freya79' To me like self sabotage on your friends part KK...iFunny how everyone thinks differently. I think totally the opposite. Sounds to me like KK has blundered in without any thought about his mate. What if he was thinking about breaking up with the GF or whatever. You can never know what is really going on in a relationship so you should ask first. What if the flatmate was a secret crossdresser for example, does that mean that is it up to KK to inform all the girlfriends of that fact?
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inspirit
10 years ago
- what was your real agenda? Why did you not just open the door and tell them to quieten it down. After all, he is a close friend? Something amiss here?
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RHP User
10 years ago
You have done nothing wrong. When faced with turmoil and emotion is high we can chose to lie or choose to tell the truth. The lie may defuse the turmoil of now while the truth can just add more fuel for the fire. In the long run though the lie will hang forever as a sword, a thorn in the side, an unreachable itch, a guilty secret. It will force you to lie again and again. And when eventually the lie is exposed you are but a co conspirator, via a lie you take on the guilt that is not yours. Though the truth may not help the situation at that moment, it will not hold you too task. At the end of the day the truth is appreciated, you are not held accountable for the truth, and you will not be forced to share another's guilt. The truth is always the best option in the long run. As for the friendship, that is hard to know from an outsiders point of view. Only time will tell, time heals, time brings new friends or reunites old. So for now let time be your friend for as surely as day turns to night it will offer you surprises and joy.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Sometimes we just get caught up in situations ..not f our making..and as I said,what would you do if you could re-wind the film..sex is not always just about sex..who knows what the flat mate was thinking or what he was thinking with..why extrapolate to other scenarios ..this was what it was ..messy true but life is messy xxFreya
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Twisted_Mister
10 years ago
You held to your values, your belief systems - more power to you. If your housemate intended to cheat anyway, surely he could have done it a bit more discreetly, not putting you in that situation where you automatically thought the female in question was his girlfriend. Bloody hell - shit state of affairs. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
For all the replies and perspectives everyone. I knew right away that by posting in the fora I would gain a lot of diverse opinions, but I respect them all and appreciate how in taking them on board it helps me to review the situation, and my actions in differing lights. So thank you to everyone who posted a reply. :) I have never been placed in a set of circumstances quite like the ones that transpired on Sunday night so that fact in itself probably explains how I dealt with it. I had a lot of emotions, and adrenaline coursing through me and I admit that if maybe I had of attempted to give myself some time to process everything I may have acted in a different way. In fact, of course I would have. I would have had more time to think about the consequences of what would follow but at the time I reacted on autopilot, doing whatever came into my head or heart first. A few of you have asked why I would send a text message rather than knocking on the door. I guess at least in my house and with the relationship me and my housemate had we would never really do that. Everyone's home culture, codes and circumstances are different from home to home. I think it's a little bit invasive to knock during sex, so a text message is the next best thing. I know that whilst fucking it's a little ambitious to hope that the phone would be checked but that was what I felt like was appropriate. To those of you who offered your thoughts and support - a big thank you. Shout out to Araps, Freya and Annie - some great thoughts offered in your posts and I am greatful for them. I really appreciate the sentiments. It's those little supportive statements that help cheer you up a little in dark times. @Meeka I see what you are saying, I probably should have confronted my housemate first. He wouldn't answer his phone, and as time passed I felt increasingly more anxious and responsible for what was happening. I couldn't stomach (at that time) allowing his girlfriend, another friend to go for much longer not knowing the truth. Perhaps I should have allowed more time before exposing what had happened. I think totally the opposite. Sounds to me like KK has blundered in without any thought about his mate. Just a note on this Meeka, and possibly an oversight but I prefer female pronouns and the above statement genders me as male. With trans people, it's often helpful to ask about what pronouns they prefer rather than assuming. What if the flatmate was a secret crossdresser for example, does that mean that is it up to KK to inform all the girlfriends of that fact? I think to compare cheating and lying after the fact to a monogamous partner and secret crossdressing is reaching a little. If you say to your partner you are monogamous, that's an understanding and agreement between two people regarding sex and intimacy. It's often a conversation many couples have, and indeed the couple in question had spoken to me about that openly before. If you entered into a relationship with someone and asked them "Please, if you ever crossdress or think about cross dressing tell me" and the other person agreed and then did it well then of course, that's lying. Would I expose that? I don't know, I have never been placed in those circumstances. I was however placed in a position centering around cheating, something I knew was being hidden. I don't take a moral stance on cheating but I suppose I do on lying. @ Nezvanova I contacted his girlfirend first as that was the only person I could contact. I tried my housemate for a good couple of hours. Calling and leaving messages. Maybe I should have tried longer as I mentioned above. At the time, I felt so sick and filled with anxiety I suppose I needed to do something, or talk to someone, and that's the choice I made whilst feeling like that. No intentional sabotage. I try not to intentionally hurt the ones I care for, although admitedly it happens doesn't it? @Dryphuz Thank you for responding with what you did. I feel it was the comment I read that most accuratley managed to encapsulate my thought process and feelings at the time. i would have confronted him not spoken to her, but that bridge has been crossed so whatever. He didn't answer, she did, so you talk to her. In the heat of the moment for something so momentous, that's perfectly understandable. Don't worry about the forumites who think maybe you were being malicious, they probably just haven't quite gotten into your mindset at the time I especially like this part. Yes, he didn't answer after trying for around 2 hours so I went to her that's where my mind was going early in the morning with little sleep. The heat of the moment, and never being faced with somthing similiar to what was happening obviously had an impact on how I acted. I don't worry about others who percieve what I wrote to be malicious. They are all entitled to their opinions but I know that even if my actions weren't properly thought out I never intended to hurt anyone. If you don't know a person, it's easy to interpret something differently than if you do know them and I know that people that know me (what a toungue-twister!) know that I don't operate that way. @Meander Even though I have known the female part of the relationship for a smaller amount of time, I feel a great deal of love for her. She is younger than any of us, this guy was her first ever boyfriend. Maybe that's why I contacted her first (after attempting my housemate for a time) because I feel protective of her. Interesting to consider. I hope your flatmate gets over it. If he wanted you to not get involved in this, he shouldn't have brought the cheating into your home. I hope so too. And that's a part of it I can't really get my head around, why bring it back to the home with the chance of being caught? He was apparently intoxicated, so there's that. I wonder though, could it be that he wanted to end the relationship or something and this is how he thought he could instigate that action? It was super loud, and it was kind of out of character. Maybe the booze? :( @Ms_Silk I wasn't thinking straight, you're right. Could have been better to just stay out of it, but I didn't and now there's the fallout of that. I don't think I would act in exactly the same way again but retrospect is a wonderful thing, huh? @inspirit I didn't have a specific agenda. Maybe, my agenda was to act on the emotions and inner turmoil I felt about what had happened, but I didn't enter into the situation with a desired outcome. If I had spent more time developing one, I daresay I might have produced different results. But as to something being amiss, I posted to gain reflections and insight as to what had happened, not to have the validity of what I was sharing to be scrutinized. Again, thanks everyone. ~KK x
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'KindredKohl' @Meeka --snip-- I think totally the opposite. Sounds to me like KK has blundered in without any thought about his mate. Just a note on this Meeka, and possibly an oversight but I prefer female pronouns and the above statement genders me as male. With trans people, it's often helpful to ask about what pronouns they prefer rather than assuming. --snip-- @ Nezvanova I contacted his girlfirend first as that was the only person I could contact. I tried my housemate for a good couple of hours. Calling and leaving messages. Maybe I should have tried longer as I mentioned above. At the time, I felt so sick and filled with anxiety I suppose I needed to do something, or talk to someone, and that's the choice I made whilst feeling like that. No intentional sabotage. I try not to intentionally hurt the ones I care for, although admitedly it happens doesn't it? @Dryphuz --snip-- I especially like this part. Yes, he didn't answer after trying for around 2 hours so I went to her that's where my mind was going early in the morning with little sleep. The heat of the moment, and never being faced with somthing similiar to what was happening obviously had an impact on how I acted. @Meander --snip-- I hope so too. And that's a part of it I can't really get my head around, why bring it back to the home with the chance of being caught? He was apparently intoxicated, so there's that. I wonder though, could it be that he wanted to end the relationship or something and this is how he thought he could instigate that action? It was super loud, and it was kind of out of character. Maybe the booze? :( --snip-- @inspirit I didn't have a specific agenda. Maybe, my agenda was to act on the emotions and inner turmoil I felt about what had happened, but I didn't enter into the situation with a desired outcome. If I had spent more time developing one, I daresay I might have produced different results. so... I don't know why there were assumptions of maliciousness in this - I just think poor judgement, and perhaps calling the girlfriend was more about easing your own mind than any good you could do for the situation? I'm not suggesting you consciously thought "fuck em, I've gotta get this off MY chest", but lots of what you're saying seems to centre on your anxiety about the situation. Why would you be ringing for 2 hours? did you fear for their safety? (future note - if a guy hasn't answered the first few times, and you're continually ringing, then they're thinking 1. "fuck off and leave me alone for a while" 2. "what app lets me stop this fucker from ringing so I can use my phone for something else". If you're on iphone and jailbroken, the answer is iBlacklist, it can be a godsend for incessant callers) As for bringing her home: Perhaps your friend wasn't thinking clearly because of the booze, and was thinking in the moment "my house, my private place, what goes on here is nobodies business outside these walls" - I'm assuming the girlfriend doesn't have a set of keys? Though if by chance he had been there, "hey, remember whatsherface? she's drunk so crashing on the couch" (thought bubble above his head... "shit hit shit, holy shit crisis averted")
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RHP User
10 years ago
next time dont winge about the noise .😁 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
@Blindman67 Thank you for saying that. I don't even entertain what happened in the realms of 'right or wrong' when it comes to my actions. I reacted to a set of conditions that I have never found myself in before without allowing much time to think through the endless possibilities of what could transpire. I like what you say of truth, and that's obviously what I valued. I don't think I could be an accesory to a lie that hurts people. Time will tell indeed. Lucky it seems I have some of that up my sleeve. :) @Twisted_Mister I adore your username, haha! I agree that it is important to adhere to your belief systems. If you don't it causes an incongruence in your thought patterns that ultimatley go on to damage you even further than if you have to place yourself between conflict. Shity state of affairs - couldn't have said it better. @S_OnTheLoose I don't really take on board any insinuations about my character or motives with the scenario I shared on the forum. Certainly nothing malicious, but on that note it doesn't concern me if certain people come to that conclusion from what has been written. I would agree that perhaps my actions were reactive and symptomatic based on what I was thinking and more importantly feeling. I should have tried to approach it with an objective mind but once I figure out the formula of how to do that whilst your mind is racing and your heart is breaking I'll publish the secret to let the entire world know. :) I didn't fear for his safety. no. I was angry and wanted to ask him why he would lie outright and why he would put me in the position of being an accesory to his actions. As for your calling advice, that would depend on the person and your relationship with them. Some guys would feel that way, others wouldn't. Just because you are a male it doesnt mean you approach scenarios with a predefined set of emotions and opinions. Perhaps your friend wasn't thinking clearly because of the booze, and was thinking in the moment "my house, my private place, what goes on here is nobodies business outside these walls" I can see how he may have thought that, but I was inside the walls. Walls that are evidently rather thin and it is my house too. I don't have the right to dictate what a person can or can't do personally but when I become involved (either directly or indirectly) I have the right to express what I find acceptable in a house that I pay for. I didn't find the way in which he went about what he did, and the confrontation that followed to be acceptable at least. @Bigocean I can't be sure if that's you trying to make a joke about the situation, or whether that's what you honestly consider to be a constructive comment. Either way, neither really are appreciated.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Both !! Would not of gone on for to long !! And if it did knock on the door and ask !! Your flat mate put up with quite a bit bringing a possy of strangers into your and there private personal space , and in many ways that is disrespecting your flatmates privacy , I'm sure you have made some noise in the past !! Maybe your very difficult to live with and that episode just broke the camels back my Dear ! As for the cheating ,well if it was my friend either gender , i would suggest kindly they have 5 days to confess or im tell'n . - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
As I have mentioned above - everyone has different relationships with the people they live with and there is a different cultural code in every home. I didn't knock because that to me, in my home seems rude. You are free to operate in yours how you see fit. It doesn't pertain to the wider question I asked however. My housemate never had an issue with me bringing whom I thought appropriate into my home because I used my own judgements and critical thinking to decide who I trusted to bring into the space. Making judgements about me being difficult to live with, or any other comment that doesn't draw from the information I have presented is pure speculation regardless of how many double exclamation points you choose to punctuate your point. And please. Let's drop the 'my dear'. Seems a little patronising given I don't know you or don't intend to. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
like i said champ if you didnt winge you wouldnt have a problem .😁 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
Your maturity at 42 years of age is indeed something to behold. But hey, nothing to be forgiven. Just something to be desired. I wont return any term of familiarity though. I don't think you are a dear or a champ, but I'm oh so pleased you took the time to tell me I am one, thanks. :) Please, refrain from commenting. It's clear you have nothng useful to add to this conversation apart from poor attempts at humour, smileys and your signature grasp on grammar (again, something to be desired there too).
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AnnieWhichway
10 years ago
Double edged sword you swing. First a forgive me and then a big swipe. And 3 exclamations to boot. FFS. Some people put their 2 cents worth in. You..... 20 cents each way.
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AnnieWhichway
10 years ago
Everyone here can guess what they would have or would not have done. And as in most things in life, once we have done something, we can review and perhaps wished we could have done things differently. Hindsight is a great thing In this case there is no right or wrong. We would all be a bit different. Its life. kk-please?
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RHP User
10 years ago
Is your sister ok? Has she talked to you about her experience in this?
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RHP User
10 years ago
So what are you bleary eyed about, what would you prefer to be the outcome now ? I get the difficult position you found yourself and your response was rather 'Wilt' like ( read the books if you don't get that) but in the end a different outcome could have been your flatmate, having found you are cool with him having other girls (assumed they are girls) stay over and you keep his secret. Seems like the right solution has occurred all round, time to move on and find another flat mate. If he was a real friend he will be back, if he was just an acquaintance be happy with the memories your had.
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