M46 F46
Cheating in an open relationship
March 01 2017
Comments
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Andremmo
8 years ago
If you asked a direct question and got a lie then I would say it's cheating. Short of a blatant lie, it depends on your groundrules of your open relationship. In not communicating every interaction there is a grey area which may simply be not finding the right time to bring it up or wishing to protect your feelings about how much action your partner is actually getting. If you just assumed your partner would tell you about every single interaction down to the texting level then I would say "it's an open marriage" and not everything has to be shared unless your rules stipulate that.
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GM4funxxx
8 years ago
I would only call it cheating if you had already discussed that any play plans would / should be discussed before hand. It may just be work in progress and these things needs to be discussed. Communication is everything - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Your partner has breached boundaries that you had established as a couple. BUT before you do anything else, ask your partner what his/her understanding was of the boundary. Sometimes we think we've asked all the right questions or made it clear about expectations and we haven't. The 'issue' causing one of you a concern may never have been discussed or you didn't see it initially as a boundary to have a discussion around it. It could also be that things have changed for one of you, which is ok, but talk about it and resetablish boundaries. When we opened up our relationship, I got a lot more attention than hubby did. This can cause some issues for the other person who all of a sudden is 'competing' with others for your time. I also like texting (and still do) and found the thrill of receiving texts difficult to ignore and I was constantly on my phone. So, more attention, more texting may be exciting but not at the expense of the other person. Communicate your concerns with each other again and restablish what you both want and expect. You both have a responsibility to ensure your primary relationship is nurtured and developed further. All the best Mary xx
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RHP User
8 years ago
If you found out then they weren't discreet enough.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Been there, done that and lessons learnt! I would consider it cheating if it was discussed beforehand and the boundaries were breached behind your back. Assuming is not communication. Talk, then talk some more until all your boundaries are clearly laid out before the both of you. Rinse. Repeat. @Mary, I also love texting and know I would be addicted if I have these guys' numbers and get carried away so I don't ask for it and only let him do the exchanging of messages for us 😁 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
How is it an open relationship if they have to tell you everything they do. Is your approval required? You haven't said this applies to you so if not, just a general opinion on my feelings about open relationships. Surely if the partner is secretly setting someone, please tell me if it's me, I'll stop immediately 😂😂😂 but if they're hiding, then the ground rules aren't working for both partners. Do ground rules ever work? Tell them what they can and can't do (exceptions would be safe sex etc) and in my opinion, they'll either do it anyway or want to do it and get frustrated not being able to. Why do they need to report in or get permission?
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RHP User
8 years ago
Bloody auto correct, sexting, not setting 😃
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RHP User
8 years ago
Sorry, but boundaries and rules? I couldn't live like that. My sexual freedom is exactly that but also applies to me as a free person. Could never have a partner tell me what I can do, he could try, then I'd tell him a few things 😉 Can any of you explain what kinds of boundaries you have, and do you honestly think that's satisfying for the partner who wants what you don't, or don't want them to have?
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RHP User
8 years ago
Or vise versa 😃
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RHP User
8 years ago
You're single so you don't have to worry about boundaries or rules, you are free to do as you please and it sounds like that's how you like it, good for you 😉 For a couple that either plays together or separately in an open relationship, there are always going to be boundaries and rules that are agreed upon. With an open relationship those boundaries are just further out! To answer your last question with a question; do you think it's satisfying for the partner that doesn't want what the other does but the other goes ahead with it anyway? A couple needs to have a joint moral compass to survive/thrive in this lifestyle. If there out for themselves and being selfish then it will be damaging to the relationship. Trust. Mr D - Posted from rhpmobile
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Sawadee
8 years ago
I'm still scratching my head with this one.. It's a agreed open relationship , so both are allowing each other the freedom to explore sex outside the normal relationship , yes ? I would imagine that seeing you both agreed , both would want to play the game while maintaining a element of openness , that is of course , if there ever was anything in place in the beginning. ? If I were to agree to a open relationship , I would think that comes with a open mind and honesty on both sides.. So does that mean by your lady sexting she's not playing the game the right way ? I don't know ? How is it cheating if you both agreed to open things up ? Like I said , this is tricky and the jurie's still out ..?
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RHP User
8 years ago
Yes it does, thank you. I know my current view is very black and white, but relationships are never black and white, I need to remember that. I also thought more about this today and lying was something that occupied my thoughts. Obviously there are differing opinions about this, you know, whether neglecting to tell is a lie of sorts. In relation to an open relationship, and my perhaps naive view on how my future relationship will pan out, or how I'd like it to, I'm very anti lying, which might surprise some people, but for me, I don't care if they don't tell me stuff, but if words come out of their mouth, and you know they're lying through their teeth, it's all over for me. Especially when they're not responding to a question asked. So an example might be if you asked them if they'd done a particular thing or been in contact with someone, they might respond defensively in the moment, fair enough. Before I go on, I have to be clear, those examples don't apply to me, I can't say the specific lies that that have been fed to me, but why feed you a lie, when it's not in response to a question or something we've said? I think some people are just compulsive liars. Not forbme I'm afraid 😃 Shells, I'd like to one day be in a relationship like yours. Very interesting to hear the early beginnings, to where you are now. Thanks for sharing that 😃
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RHP User
8 years ago
In my own experience as a single who used to see married couples, I have had 2 couples that I was involved with (over 10 yrs ago) that sadly I had the husbands contact me privately and ask if I would see them without the wife knowing. Yep thats worse than cheating in my opinion. They had their cake and could eat from the whole flipping bakery. Why would you fuck with that?
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RHP User
8 years ago
I'd like to ask. Why are you asking if it's " cheating" or a " trill thing" ????? Here on RHP! And not approached the same queries with your partner? We, here reading your post! Can simply only guess. I would call a discussion as such between the 2 of you! Just saying!!! Best always from the source itself. Good luck!
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Zsuza69
8 years ago
An open relationship is in my eyes just that. Open to seeing other people wether it's texting or ducking in person with the other partners consent. Once you start hiding something from your partner it's no longer open, you have closed a part of it. Open relationships is about communication and telling each other everything. Say for instance you were seeing someone else without telling your open partner and you got something. Say thrush or gonorrhoea and passed that onto your partner. I'm sure the open relationship would be slammed shut. Trust and openness is the key to any open relationship. - Posted from rhpmobile
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Zsuza69
8 years ago
Why do people think that just because your in an open relationship things are no longer open for discussion? We are always amused at other people specially single people that look at having a relationship with one of us and they ask "does your partner know?" And we answer yes they know where I am, whom I'm with and about how long we will be. Mostly because of safety and if something goes wrong. They are taken aback when I drop mrs Zsuza off and pick her up afterwards. Why wouldn't I want to know that she is safe when being with someone she hardly knows and having sex? The key to an open relationship is the "open" part. Being open about everything. If your not being open about everything your not in an open relationship. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Just as a way of explanation, my boyfriend lives in Brissie. We have one boundary, when I'm in Brissie, I'm his girl, the only person he sees when I'm up there is me, unless we're playing with others, together. Every other time he's free to do as he pleases, when he pleases and he doesn't share details, nor do I want them necessarily. With my hubby, he doesn't have boundaries either, I'd wish he'd get himself someone special he sees :) My only boundaries are that I'm safe and that he knows where I'm going and when ... Simply for safety reasons :) He never questions that, or me .... complete freedom to do as I wish. BUT I don't ever lose sight that our relationship still needs nurturing and love. I don't want him to ever feel replaced or That my love for him has changed because we've opened our relationship :) Other couples start slower and put in place boundaries that change as they become more comfortable :) I can see the confusion for people though :) Mary xx
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RHP User
8 years ago
Thanks, I agree relationships need nurturing, absolutely no question about that. Freedom doesn't mean the home fire doesn't need to be stoked 😊 your bf wouldn't have time to see anyone else when you're there, would he? 😉 I understand that rule and IMO fine 👍 he still has time to see others if he chooses to and no over controlling rules are put on him. I also don't mean to imply it's just men who can feel caged, women are quite often the horny fuckers who need more, like you and I 😜
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Sawadee
8 years ago
What you say is perfectly understandable. Of course it took time to adjust to the right comfort level. I don't beleive anyone entering into a open relationship snap their fingers and it's all OK. It takes time and honesty to reach your comfort level and not everyone will pull it off.. You and hubby got there.. 😃. 👍
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lovman8
8 years ago
It depends on the definition of open you and your partner have worked out. The extremes could be complete sexual freedom with no need to consult or inform the other partner of any interaction what so ever to the other extreme of letting your partner know about every flirt text or kiss you have with a third party . Or any where in between. In my opinion you need to decide carefully and honestly with your partner what you each mean by "open" relationship , come to some mutual agreement on your rules and boundaries, and then it should be much easier to define what is "cheating " and whats not .
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RHP User
8 years ago
Communication honesty with kindest and people will always want to stay in your life. So lesson Learnt the hard way with me is trying to observe another who maybe wanted to be honest but didn't know how and I forgave and forgave but eventually it did my head in someone not being honest and open. :( I will always love him... - Posted from rhpmobile
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AnnieWhichway
8 years ago
An event experienced by 2 'people will have different and perhaps onflicting versions. 2 different minds and thought processes. The key is communication. The key is asking. The key is explaining. All in a respectable and calm manner. Throw in emotions and sexual behaviours. Wars have started with less. Throw in an erect penis, there gonna be problems explaining the thought process behind some stuff........
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RHP User
8 years ago
hmmm really Annie blaming an erect penis? Maybe a teenager can get away with that excuse once but ???? A grown man Annie ????? Just because people are different doesn't mean they can't show respect and communicate, especially about such intimate behaviour. Guess if nothing matters to a person, and they just do stuff to satisfy there apparent needs or addictions then communicating becomes extremely manipulative ie Omissions, fake profiles, experimental ( that's a good one) he he.... And silly me I always give people a chance to talk and explain, much to my detriment. And when the other person realises what was done to them I'm sure there are thoughts of revenge, that's definately human nature. But it's also human nature to forgive and move on and learn from experiences. Ps - Annie, you and I and all others all deserve respectful communication as that's about loving ourselves enough! And it's ok to expect that, we deserve that much xooxxo - Posted from rhpmobile
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AnnieWhichway
8 years ago
Big hug. Xxx
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RHP User
8 years ago
I'd probably crack and egg on their face in the night. The egg shouldn't be on you! Ah, metaphors... something about lollyjars and trust? That's right- they deserve neither! love and light, L_D 💅🏼 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Hornyalltime are you bringing personal baggage in, crossing privacy lines? Or just making a general statement? Reading that, sounds like a bit of a loaded comment. Forgive me if I'm wrong, hard for me to check your profile when I'm blocked 😀😇
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RHP User
8 years ago
I personally love erect penii 😀 😛😜
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MsSuperFoxy
8 years ago
If you believe, you have been faulsly mislead, the other person is not being honest and the verbal agreement (I'm guessing you had one?) to what the relationship is, has broken down, then you need to discuss your issues with that person. Maybe something has happened, for them to be acting discreet etc towards you? Ms Foxy
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RHP User
8 years ago
I think the answer lies in the responses already. What were your rules? Bearing in mind sometimes we only hear the bits we want to hear in a discussion so there's plenty of scope for misunderstanding. It's all well and good to blame an erection or a spur of the moment, and I would agree that nothing would ruin a spur of the moment interaction with someone quicker than "I just need to check with my partner" and sending off a quick text message while you both sit there staring at the phone waiting for a green light. But I think if you have the time to text and set up rendezvous you have time to tell your partner what you are doing. If that was the agreement between you. I'm also amused at the input of single people on how best to run an open relationship. I think by definition an open relationship has to have rules and boundaries because there are two people in the relationship. I think if you have an open slather relationship you've really just got several FWBs don't you?
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RHP User
8 years ago
Open = Open & honest. In their rather poor attempt at discretion, it's seems that they felt the need to hide something The behaviour seems off. Open is open to me in both honesty and freedom. This reads like it is neither free nor honest. - Posted from rhpmobile
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AnnieWhichway
8 years ago
I'm also amused at the input of single people on how best to run an open relationship. I think by definition an open relationship has to have rules and boundaries because there are two people in the relationship. Funny comment coming from a single man. Lol.
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RHP User
8 years ago
I wish Annie. Nope. I'm in one of those horrible policed, controlled and boundary riddled relationships. Which bit of my profile confused you? - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
I'll take the open slather over rules and compromise 👍 which has a kind of 'work as a team' feel about it. You know if you tell me I can't have it, I'll want it twice as much. We are individuals and should be free to make our own choices so for me, a partner would have a slightly bigger slice of the pie 😛 and fb's a smaller slice each. So it almost is like a heap of fb's, just your partner gets more action and to do the grocery shopping with you 😀 If I had to ask someone if I could text or have sex with someone, why? It's like you're asking a parent for permission to do something. So you meet someone randomly in public, the chemistry is there 💏 what then, do you say "hang on, I just have to call and ask my wife's permission, she may want to meet you, you may have to get disease tested. No anal..... We have rules. Is that okay?" 😀 For me personally, any rules aside from safe sex, you need to protect each other of course and normal safety stuff, but anything else, okay maybe a quick call to say I'm not going to be home for dinner 😇 otherwise, makes me cringe. It's like you get married, you become a clone? You're not marrying your bloody mother, you shouldn't need permission or rules/restriction placed on you, which in turn makes you want it more. Quick disclaimer, 'you' used in a general sense, not meaning you lol Hence why men (predominantly, women also) go forth and find their fun without the knowledge of their partners. And yes, I know that for a fact 😉 but don't assume that everyone needs or wants that kind of relationship. Absolutely not for me, I'd kick him to the kerb if he tried to place any restriction on my sex life. Total freedom can absolutely happen if we're careful to find a compatible partner and that is the mistake people make IMO
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RHP User
8 years ago
I also wanted to say the title of this topic made me laugh, because of the irony 😉 due respect, but isn't the whole point of an open relationship, aside from basic human physical pleasure and the freedom to find that, to do away with the cheating issue? Open relationship and cheating don't belong in the same sentence I don't think 😃
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RHP User
8 years ago
Before I get the respect thing thrown at me, actually hmm 😯 I haven't had much respect shown to me this week, I might start agreeing with you soon 😉 but I think it's respecting a person more to allow them to be their own person and make their own choices 😃
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AnnieWhichway
8 years ago
Too much editing. That was Jean_Girard's quote.
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Lovinit28andKC72
8 years ago
With any relationship, open or closed, it's about being honest, being mindful, respec, trust and communication. My relationship is closed to sexual encounters at the moment, but that's doesn't mean it always will be. When and if we decided to open it up, it will work for both of us, there will be plenty of discussions and there will be rules, just like there was when we decided to open it up to BDSM play, (which is all working well for us both). Things change, needs, wants, experiences, they all change, when you've entered into a relationship with another person, you can't be as selfish as you were when you were a single person. 💋
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RHP User
8 years ago
It's not being selfish to give your partner sexual freedom, it's selfless. Are you 100% sure kc is completely fulfilled? Due respect but you won't know. But same applies for both partners, rules to me are selfish, particularly with monogamy. Don't get me started on that lol but selfless, not selfish 😉
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AnnieWhichway
8 years ago
I didn't look at Jean Girard's profile. My bad. What struck me was his comment being bemused by single people commenting on the topic. Can't see what people's current status has got to do with past experiences being relevant to the topic. They may be single now but it in no way explains what past experiences they have. I don't have time to trawl hrough posters profiles to see if they are qualified to share their opinions. I'm single. Does that make him bemused that l have an opinion on the topic? Bemused me that he is bemused...........
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Bazingal
8 years ago
too much bemusing going on..... I agree, it is about communication and understanding with your partner. Some people's idea of an open relationship is "do what you want when you want" with no details being shared. And that's awesome when it works for both of them. Other's have guidelines/rules in place. Where they draw the line is up to them to discuss and decide upon, where they can both be happy with what's is allowed, not allowed and expected from each other. If a partner deviates from this agreement or hides details previously expected to be shared, I believe the other can deem it as cheating. The way they deal with that is up to them to determine. I expect complete transparency from my partner, which is included in any of our "play" rules at any time. Lying out right or omitting information is not acceptable to me.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Simple. Hes bi or into some seriously kinky shit he doesn't want you to witness. Or your paranoid. I dont get paranoid ever but paranoid people have been following me. - Posted from rhpmobile
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Lovinit28andKC72
8 years ago
When I started seeing KC, we were in an open D/s relationship, we then make the decision that we would take our relationship back to the start, we closed it off, so we could work on us, then we would add things as we grow as a couple. Can anyone be 100% sure that their other half is completely fulfilled, I don't believe so, because you can only be 100% sure about yourself. Trust me when I say, the decision we made in regards to our relationship and remaining monogamous at the moment, was something we thought about, discussed and was something we both agreed on. All rules/boundaries that are in place with our BDSM play with other people, are exactly the same for both of us, what's good for him is good for me and vise versa, there are designed for both of us and we can be adjust as we need to. Do I trust KC to be able to express himself, to be able to have that conversation with me, to be completely open and honest with me able his wants and needs, Yes I do. Our relationship works for us, we have
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RHP User
8 years ago
Yes, I didn't mean what you have and your current situation isn't good, it's obvious your relationship is one we all hope for. I also believe you re discussing properly and being prepared to adjust as you go. So the love and respect you have for each other is amazing. Yes that's a place I'd like to find myself one day, but would approach and continue on with it, slightly differently. But do I expect my business model lol will work and do I think your won't? I have no clue. All I know is how I want to do it, and wanted to express here there are different ways to move forward with relationships, where the love is still there, and the desire for each other, but cheating would never be an issue. I suppose the difference really is just with commitment. Commitment for me can take away the random nature of my life, and I'm a never read the instructions kind of person lol just like to wing it and see where I end up. But that's me, just putting it out there that not everyone wants the same thing. No question what you have is perfect though for the two if you 😀👍👌
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RHP User
8 years ago
😀
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RHP User
8 years ago
Also, the end of your comment looks to have a part missing, is there more that didn't post?
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Lovinit28andKC72
8 years ago
It would seem I didn't copy and paste all of my little writing sorry, here's the rest plus a bit more. We have discussed in great detail what we both enjoy, our wants and needs, what we are both comfortable with, so we could see what was going to work for us, we are 2 very naughty people. I think all relationships are different, I know they are hard work and I was never really very good at them, hence the reason I was single for so long. But I want this, I want him, he's an amazing person with a kind heart and a very naughty (my kind of naughty) mind. I am a free spirt, a winger as such, I don't plan anything, I really am terrible. KC is a planner, an organiser, you know everything has a place, everything in its place kinda guy, he doesn't wing anything, yes it's a struggle sometimes. As a couple we seem to work most of the time, but it's not without lots of communication, trust, honesty, love, our amazing dynamic and fucking awesome sex.
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RHP User
8 years ago
You are a lucky girl 😉😀
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Jamesy5s
8 years ago
Even in a open relationship.Truth and honesty has to be the only way! Why lie? - Posted from rhpmobile
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johnisfun3
8 years ago
Well my take is if you have open relationship then why worry about it. We all like to keep secrets and the buzz of a secret flirting or relationship could be exciting for some people. If you are worried too much then discuss with your partner. In general men are happy to share their thoughts and feelings but my experience is sometimes innocent comments can be taken out of context and then I regret sharing them. Over time you learn to leave some details out. Maybe you are in open relationship but still want to have safety of monogamous one.
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RHP User
8 years ago
OP, read "More than two" by Franklin Veaux. That should be helpful with dealing with your partner(s) and their partners in a poly (applicable in open) relationships. The website is pretty good as well. All the best OP.
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RHP User
7 years ago
The only person that can decide is you. I find that if you are asking for advice it is because you want validation for what you already know. If it feels like cheating, its cheating. That's when you need to sit down and ask can you live with it. If not then another decision has to be made. Leave or stay.We all make lifestyle choices and like most people that have posted I value honesty over everything. There are historical reasons. But I'm also pretty open minded. My boundaries are set. Cross them and I'm gone. However, lying by omission, which happened to me recently ensured a year long 'play relationship' ended. Why? because of an omission. Trust was lost in an instant. It can never be regained. But it was a personal choice, many women wouldn't have worried. We are all different and all have different expectations and needs.
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