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Paradisepair

Paradisepair

M49 F50

Chemistry Lessons, Missed Connections and Unchartered Territory

July 28 2014

nsa

one night stands

We've been playing for a couple of years now - not terribly often - but enough to learn a thing or two, about ourselves individually, together, about others and about how things are likely to play out. One thing we've learned is that even if there's fantastic chemistry on the night, that doesn't mean anything, beyond there's great chemistry on that occasion, and that having expectations of anything beyond that might well lead to disappointment. And this is NSA territory anyway, it's just that often people say things which they don't follow through with, but you don't know that at the time and being open-minded and optimistic I tend to give them the benefit of the doubt rather than write everyone off as just 'talking the talk' at a time where such talk of re-connecting seems appropriate. Me, if there's great chemistry I'll allow myself to enjoy the concept of meeting again, I'll stay in contact with past playmates and generally keep the connection open (I, MrsParadise, do much of our communication so I won't say 'we' in this instance). I can't help but feel though like this world is full of people who are seeking the constant 'newness' and so pass over opportunities to reconnect in order to find fresh experiences. Which is fine because this is NSA territory and they're free to make their own choices. We're not like that though and we've both found re really enjoy re-connecting, once the initial 'first-time' is over where you're only just getting to understand a little about who you're with. In our ideal world we'd have a little pool of regular playmates and so wouldn't need to keep looking (we're about half way there at the moment). I was really just a young adult when I was last in the dating scene, and I enjoyed NSA situations back then too but I'm astounded at how unaffected I am by what in my youth would probably hurt my feelings. An object of desire, simply gets dropped from my naughty-mind if there's any hint that they're not nearly as interested as I am, and that feels like a sub-conscious mechanism for letting that water just roll off this little duck's back. I get disappointed that the fantasy is over but that's about it, there's no hard-feelings or resentment though. Anyway I'm interested in what others have learned about their own processing of the chemistry and connections or lack of that they've experienced in this world... Do others feel like most people here aren't looking for more than that one night stand but project a different message?

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Comments

  • JessicaRabbit

    JessicaRabbit

    10 years ago

    I definitely think that most people here aren't looking for more than one night stand, and aren't always honest about that. I have found that some (and I repeat, some, not all) men who say they are looking for a regular casual arrangement are super attentive until they get what they want, then you only hear from them sporadically with an 'are you free tonight' text. I definitely agree it has something to do with the shiny 'newness' of a first time, and also the thrill of the chase for some. Sure, they're free to make their own choices, but being deliberately deceptive to get what you want is a pretty low act. If you're only after one-offs then be upfront about that. I suppose it's not a new thing for people to talk their way into someone's pants in order to get what they want. I just try not to take it personally... Another male friend of mine when I was having this particular gripe to him suggested that maybe it's because guys freak out when a girl wants something regular thinking that they want a boyfriend. I guess from your perspective though, that's not exactly a legitimate excuse for their behaviour LOL And yes, as others may say, maybe they just aren't interested in a repeat performance. Whatever the reason, it would be a lot easier if people were honest and upfront about what they wanted. In a perfect world, right? Jess xx

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    Quoting 'JessicaRabbit' I definitely think that most people here aren't looking for more than one night stand, and aren't always honest about that. I have found that some (and I repeat, some, not all) men who say they are looking for a regular casual arrangement are super attentive until they get what they want, then you only hear from them sporadically with an 'are you free tonight' text. I definitely agree it has something to do with the shiny 'newness' of a first time, and also the thrill of the chase for some. Sure, they're free to make their own choices, but being deliberately deceptive to get what you want is a pretty low act. If you're only after one-offs then be upfront about that. I suppose it's not a new thing for people to talk their way into someone's pants in order to get what they want. I just try not to take it personally... Another male friend of mine when I was having this particular gripe to him suggested that maybe it's because guys freak out when a girl wants something regular thinking that they want a boyfriend. I guess from your perspective though, that's not exactly a legitimate excuse for their behaviour LOL And yes, as others may say, maybe they just aren't interested in a repeat performance. Whatever the reason, it would be a lot easier if people were honest and upfront about what they wanted. In a perfect world, right? Jess xx I also find that most put in a half arsed effort because they are there just to get their rocks off then when they want to come back, it is a big fat no from me because of that lack of effort. Lazy lovers are so offputting and I think most guys I have seen are just there to get their end away, not to have a mutually satisfying experience. I find it really annoying because I do like to put some effort in to please my partner and I am left wanting. Just feels like you give all the time but very few give back. If I had a dollar for every time I heard how wonderful someone was in bed...

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  • Violetincredible

    Violetincredible

    10 years ago

    I've had this exact conversation with a few friends from here. I think the best advice I was given from a friend who has been on here a long time was to never trust anyone you meet in this realm... Unless they become your close "normal" friend... Everyone is here to get what they want & to keep that in mind all the time. Knowing that and thinking that way has saved me a lot of pain. Xxviolet

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    I am not into the NSA so much or random fucks. I don't find it satisfying. So I don't really do the online dating thing at all. It isn't for me. I have probably met only 5-6 men for dates in the past 4 years, but that could be because I have some regular friends already. If I want some NSA hanky panky or debauchery I would just go to some parties or clubs......... I can't be bothered wasting my time on here emailing backwards and forwards. Yes, lots of people just say what ever they think the other person wants to here. Men say they want more than NSA and women say they do want NSA, when in reality often the opposite is true. If a bloke doesn't contact you again it's because he wasn't that into you. I agree that it's partly the "oh look shiny" phenomenon where they are always running after the new girl. Electric chemistry for me is very very rare.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    I agree that most of the punters here expect one night stands only and don't consider the benefits of repeat performances. I have always been upfront in the pre-meet messages that I was looking at ongoing meets in the parties clicked. Surprisingly, given the comments above, that approach tends to winnow out quite a number of women and couples who seems to be interested in one offs pretty much right here and now. My personal circumstances as a single parent mean I have to plan ahead and since I don't get much opportunity for adult only activities, I like to grab it when I can and if the other person/people work out, to enjoy what I have got instead of go through the effort of making a new contact. I have experienced the once off meets only twice so far (a couple and a single girl) which had me a little confused afterwards but I gave up eventually. I see it all part of the quality control process to get to the people who are worth your time.

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  • Circe

    Circe

    10 years ago

    I've also found that a lot of men will lie outright to get what they want and don't really care who they hurt in the process. Not so much the one night stand guys, I think I pretty much weed them out early on because i don't fuck on first dates. Many of the guys that I've been with want something ongoing, they seem generally willing to say and do nearly anything to keep stringing you along. Mostly, I think they are telling you what they think you want to hear. Not everyone but I've definitely found this to be the case reasonably often. OP, love the thing that being on here as an adult gives us a such an insight into ourselves. I agree that we are so much more thick skinned now. I certainly would have been a lot more hurt by this sort of thing and taken it a lot more personally in my early 20s (last time I was 'dating'). Life experience seems to buffer us?

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    Ladies, i can only speak for us, we are all different so i hope i don't cop any flack over my comment? I have never got my end in, in any of the ladies we have had, i surpose you could say that we are not true swingers?. But that i save for my wife. I am a normal hot blooded male, but getting my end in isn't what i am about. I love a sexy womans body, nothing more beautiful! but when it comes to having sex i love playing, teasing and satisfying my wife first, to me enjoying her body brings me more enjoyment. We both love having a beautiful woman to play with, cand spend hours teasing, exploring restraining her, finding different ways to make her cum for us!, we find this extremely arousing thats why we have our massage, naughty room!, but in the end it only makes me want my wife even more. By now you are probally thinking that i am full of shit, but to tell you the truth i don't put my dick in because it is my way of showing respect to my wife, its my way of letting her know that she is the most important thing to me, besides i think myself lucky just to be able to have a gorgeous woman over and spank her naughty bottom! See not every man out their only thinks of himself!

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    Unfortunately we have to agree that many say they are up for future contact but it rarely eventuates. For us we have managed to have a fair few repeat performances which is fantastic as when you get to know them better the chemistry just gets better! However they would be the minority. Even more rare is the very very few people that we have managed to turn into normal friends. These people have become integral parts of our lives and the best of friends. We have since realised this is extremely rare! Wish we could make more friends like this. It's disappointing that most people are scared to cross the line, we are all just normal people and perfectly capable of being vanilla in the vanilla environment.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    Maybe there are just a lot of people out there that are bad in bed? I raised this topic awhile ago when I read the result of some survey conducted in the States. Admittedly it was done with university students, but a large proportion of men admitted that they didn't make much of an effort in the sex department when it came to hook ups and casual sex and they were not so concerned if the woman had an orgasm or not. That curtesy was usually only for girlfriends & regular lovers. I still remember one woman's comment that one guy she was with seemed absolutely astounded that there was more to it then him just pumping in and out like a jack rabbit. PMSL. Maybe we should all have to go to love making classes. Make love, not porn.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    I often wonder... Do men care that they are bad in bed? Although we are our worst enemies by not speaking up and telling people when we are not satisfied. It's the inate politeness we chicks have. :-)

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    So what you are saying is that you do want you want and what satisfies you. Lol. I understand what you mean though. You are "one woman" man. :-)

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  • Seachange

    Seachange

    10 years ago

    I agree with JRabbit. The deceptiveness is the biggest disappointment in meeting the men who just whispers what they think you want to hear. I had an experience like that with an RHP man from the GC promising me the world, love, etc. I can only laugh at the perceived naivety he had of me. Lol. I left him to his devices and was curious how far he would go in his lies to get into my pants as never have I experience such naive, predictable squiring (not seduction). An experiment for me. The result is extraordinarily predictable as if it was penned by a novice porn writer. And on the time that mattered in the bedroom, that was a massive disappointment. But not surprised. As they say, empty vessels make the loudest noise. He made excuses not to meet as he has organized (surprise! lol) giving most unbelievable excuses like there was a mining incident in his gold mines and one of the miners died and he had to be there to inspect the mines etc. Quite laughable but interesting observing this behaviour. Anyway, the expectation on my part was low and was really not keen to pursue anything further than the ONS. On RHP, I have learnt to set my expectations low, even if their profile states ongoing regular meets is what they are after, I see it as ONS or casual. If we click and it goes further, that willn be a wonderful experience as I am more than a wench on heels. WRT to ONS, well, I may or may not entertain the idea at the time depending on my mood. Most likely not as am after an ongoing FWB and that would be quite evident on the meet when I sus him out in my mental and intellectual probing. As my profile suggests, I like the mental, physical and cerebral connection of people cut of the same cloth as I am so the conversation flow is better. Some do not make it further than 1 drink and I may walk out, but I will be honest and gracious (but not rude) about it. For my travels interstate and overseas, it is obvious that there will be no further than just play for the day or night. And if they dont get it, then I have just fucked an imbecile...

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  • Seachange

    Seachange

    10 years ago

    Quoting 'Meeka100' I often wonder... Do men care that they are bad in bed? Although we are our worst enemies by not speaking up and telling people when we are not satisfied. It's the inate politeness we chicks have. :-) A good topic for another post. Would be very interested in finding out their opinion...hmmm You are right about being our worst enemy. A young man I had recently was was Jack rabbiter and I did not have a heart to break it to his sweet young heart when I look at his eager face and full on concentration. I tried to tell him to slow down but apparently he has only on speed on the gearstick. Lol, That is why I prefer more mature men as they are more experienced and more open to getting feedback.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    I am sure you will have thousands of men saying now "buy what about all you starfish women" and if you are not enjoying something speak up. And all valid points of course. It's more the selfish lovers that need a wake up call. Men and women. I have also done it in the past. I have had sex with someone knowing that the chemistry wasn't quite right and as a result haven't made much of an effort in bed. It was my mistake and I am sure Those men are thinking I was crap in bed. But it does make me wonder... Does that mean men have sex with women they don't particularly like or maybe aren't even that attracted too so they don't care how hey come across. Does that mean these one hit wonders are running around having really bad sex? Where is the fun in that? Quite frankly if casual sex was really good and everyone made an effort...... It would be a lot easier for men to get sex. Hopefully one day they will figure that out. LMAO. :P

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    Okay it wasn't exactly that but an interesting topic, for me anyway. http://www.redhotpie.com.au/Adult-Forums/Men-just-not-stepping-up-42828-Page2

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  • Seachange

    Seachange

    10 years ago

    Yes lazy lovers occur on all sides of the sexual spectrum. Totally get that. Sorry gents if it seems my post only claim that men are lazy. Not at all. Obviously if the initial experience was nice and wonderful, one only longs to experience more as the potential is more exciting when sparks fly. I suppose the key is also to be discerning. I like proactive approach to everything in life, pushing my boundaries a bit that my little eggnog can handle and process. To be in the moment. Im sure men i have shared beautiful intimate experiences can attest to thid. Lol. That approach applies to all aspects if my life - my extreme sports, my businesses, my loves. Joie de vivre, mon coucou. C'est tres important. - Posted from rhpmobile

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    Quoting 'Meeka100' I often wonder... Do men care that they are bad in bed? Although we are our worst enemies by not speaking up and telling people when we are not satisfied. It's the inate politeness we chicks have. :-) I don't think many do care as long as they get they get what they want, and I agree that some have no clue how bad they are. I am not polite about it when I get a lousy one, I can be quite rude about it, lol. I bundled up one guys clothes and kicked him out of my house when the only time he actually touched my pussy, he slapped it....and then he still came back begging for more. I told him he was a dud root and he didn't even realise how bad he was, so I broke it down for him.

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  • Plain

    Plain

    10 years ago

    RHP and the like allows people to dream about what they would like to do sexually verses their own competency levels. I have taken the option to explain what my situation is and if nobody takes an interest so be it. I have had one encounter and I stress like Meeka did not consider the chemistry thing and had the worst sexual encounter in my life. It has definitely put me off a direct encounter with out a meet before for good to assess whether we suit each other. Chemistry is very important, as you do not know if it will finish then and there or if there is any other connection to explore, but for this to happen you have to put aside a lot of prejudices to make things work, through proper conversation at least.About whether a person is good sexually can be the same for women that have had one partner since their teenage years and whos sexual experience is very limited, this can be a big hurdle to overcome as suddenly you are asking someone to perform as per your level of experience and can have a really bad experience with guys who frankly just want to have an encounter and get what they want and the lady obliges not either wanting to object or ignorance. Sorry if that offends but it is a situation that we on the forumn tend not to talk about it. As our levels of sexual awareness is on average higher than these individuals.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    What satisfies me? Beautiful bum, by the way. What i am trying to say is there has been some nights where we have spent hours working our woman over playing with her, massage, toys, bondage, teasing her till she is begging us to cum! And i have hit the sack totally worn out and totally satisfied and i haven't even cum myself. It is usually the next day when we are thinking about how wonderful she was to play with that i end up giving my wife a workout. Thats what i love, don't care if my misses cum's that night, i just carn't get enough of the forplay! ;-)

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  • Seachange

    Seachange

    10 years ago

    Your bluntness had me in stitches here at work during my coffee break. Lol. Big guffaw fr me. Hahaha. Surely you are not.thw type who.holds back. Love ya gurl. Can always depend on you to brighten my day. Ciao bella - Posted from rhpmobile

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    I could never say anything unless I thought they were genuinely being uncaring or selfish. Seriously.... You would think someone glancing at their watch every few minutes might tell them something. LOL! A few years ago I asked if it was rude to stop in the middle of sex and say "sorry I made a mistake, this is just not happening for me" get dressed and walk out. I think the majority of people said that they would continue with the sex and try to hurry things along, not say anything. They would just not see the person again.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    Is an intangible asset ,mental ,physical,spiritual!very hard to find a discovery with all assets ! Rhp is a journey ,requires energy some state (newness) as a theory but surely if u want to Please and enjoy your partner it's not a one way street! Having said that not everyone is sexually compatible ,fun looking though ,lol

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  • Hottie1

    Hottie1

    10 years ago

    Hi OP, we have had repeat performances with one person we have met on here. We have played over 4 times together and I'm planning another one soon. He is a sexy, wicked lover, interested beyond just getting his end in, he leaves us satisfied ;) and the chemistry is awesome!!!!! What we are finding challenging on this site is meeting couples that we can play with. People pretending that their wives/partners are into it, and I have naively been conned - wont be happening again! We have met lovely couples through the small parties we have been involved in. I overlooked a gentleman's profile on here at first when he originally invited us to a party. We have since met up (and love meeting up) and he has introduced us to some funny, sexy people. Over time I would like to see if we can extend these into deeper friendships. As mentioned earlier by another forumite, we can be vanilla in vanilla environments. I think people find it hard to explain these 'new' friendships, and therefore don't pursue them. We have said to our sexy friends that when our RHP world and vanilla world come together we will explain it as 'we used to work together in the past and have recently reconnected'. It could also be that after the initial meet the chemistry may not have been there and was only enhanced by the newness of the situation, in that case let people know. We have had mixed results and I try to keep an open mind. I like Violets comment, we should all follow her friends advice! Mary xx

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    Quoting 'ralf74' Quoting 'JessicaRabbit' I definitely think that most people here aren't looking for more than one night stand, and aren't always honest about that. I have found that some (and I repeat, some, not all) men who say they are looking for a regular casual arrangement are super attentive until they get what they want, then you only hear from them sporadically with an 'are you free tonight' text. I definitely agree it has something to do with the shiny 'newness' of a first time, and also the thrill of the chase for some. Sure, they're free to make their own choices, but being deliberately deceptive to get what you want is a pretty low act. If you're only after one-offs then be upfront about that. I suppose it's not a new thing for people to talk their way into someone's pants in order to get what they want. I just try not to take it personally... Another male friend of mine when I was having this particular gripe to him suggested that maybe it's because guys freak out when a girl wants something regular thinking that they want a boyfriend. I guess from your perspective though, that's not exactly a legitimate excuse for their behaviour LOL And yes, as others may say, maybe they just aren't interested in a repeat performance. Whatever the reason, it would be a lot easier if people were honest and upfront about what they wanted. In a perfect world, right? Jess xx I also find that most put in a half arsed effort because they are there just to get their rocks off then when they want to come back, it is a big fat no from me because of that lack of effort. Lazy lovers are so offputting and I think most guys I have seen are just there to get their end away, not to have a mutually satisfying experience. I find it really annoying because I do like to put some effort in to please my partner and I am left wanting. Just feels like you give all the time but very few give back. If I had a dollar for every time I heard how wonderful someone was in bed... Hey again, you took the words right outta my mouth!

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  • lovman8

    lovman8

    10 years ago

    If I am brutally honest I guess with most of the women I meet, I look at them for their sexual potential and the what the chance is of me getting my "end in". However my expectations are way lower than that and I'm sure most women I meet would not have any idea of any lust I might be projecting on them. Which is just as well because I'm sure in the vast majority of cases , this lust is not reciprocated. As far as being a lazy lover I ( along with every other male on this site) won't admit to that. I like to think I am a better than average lover and I definitely derive pleasure from seeing my partner have pleasure. However ultimately only a partner can rate your prowess as a lover. Now "chemistry" is a whole different and far more complicated story. While I'm a typical male and would rarely turn down a chance for sex if it presents its self ( there has been a small hand full of instances where I have actually done that) I would much refer sex with "chemistry" than without. In fact there has probably only been a hand full of times in my life when I have had sex without some chemistry. I am married and don't hide the fact and I have meet 7 women face to face from this site to see what might happen. Six of them I would gladly meet again ( sex or no sex). I have had sex with 4 of them. No names , no gory details but Three I met in neutral surroundings and had enjoyable first encounters but it didn't lead to sex.Had further meeting with two of them , and there was "chemistry" which lead to groping outdoors in a semi private place one of them leading to me delivering manual orgasms to the women. It was mainly circumstances that precluded further meeting and possibly sex. 1) I meet 1 women from this site who made it clear she just wanted sex, we met in a hotel mid day in the city, we fucked she appeared satisfied but didn't want to be touched other than being penetrated, no chemistry there, no orgasm for me, and I wouldn't go there again. < No Chemistry > 2) Another woman I had chatted to frequently and was going to met for coffee, but when the time came she couldn't make it and invited me to her flat instead. We chatted happily for a while and she seeing a bit a sparkle in my eye invited me to her bedroom where we did the deed very satisfactorily fom my point of view. We both had orgasms )she was slow and took a lot of oral stimulation to achieve hers) and I felt there was chemistry but there wasn't for her. She had made it clear she didn't like hairy bald men before we met so it was not a total shock that she didn't want to meet again. We still exchange the odd message. < Some Chemistry.......perhaps one sided > 3) Met another woman in a country town about an hour from me. Met in a hotel mid afternoon, and after a pleasant hour she invited me back to her flat where wild rambunctious sex ensued. If you can measure chemistry by the size of the wet spot there was an abundance of it. Two attempts at leaving ended in the bedroom for further bouts. I finally left about five hours after arriving ( with a final encounter with her bent over a table near the front door) We both tried to make it happen again (she called me twice and I called her on about 4 occasions but it always seemed inconvenient for one of us. Them circumstances changed but I would go back there again gladly. < much chemistry > I think perhaps when we are younger and single it is easier to follow any "chemistry", while for older people with more complicated lives it is more difficult to pursue. Excuse my indulgence and being long winded and possibly boring. Sorry Meeka although you probably won't read this far.

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