F61

Confidence

June 15 2017

14 Things Confident People Would Never Do—So You Shouldn’t EitherShow, don't tell. No really, telling people how confident you are is one of the surest ways to convince them otherwise.BY CHARLOTTE HILTON ANDERSEN 1) Get defensive when correctedConfident people understand their own talents and faults and are able to politely accept constructive criticism. "Accepting feedback graciously exudes quiet confidence and perceived competence, both qualities that increase perceived capability," says Wendy Patrick, JD, PhD, author and behavioral expert. "They regard feedback not as threatening, but as a training opportunity and a chance to improve.Tip:" If this doesn't come easily to you, don't worry—here's how to handle criticism in any situation. 2) Try to please everyoneThere's a difference between wanting to help others and devoting yourself to making everyone like you. The former is noble while the latter is impossible and will ultimately kill self-confidence, says Joseph R. Sanok, MA, a licensed professional counselor, business coach, and author of Practice of the Practice. "People pleasers often have low self-confidence because they base their worth on what other people think of them," he explains.Tip: "True confidence comes from the inside, not the outside." Easier said than done, however. If people-pleasing is your tendency, here's how to set healthy boundaries with people. 3) Talk more than they listenYour first mental image of "confidence" may involve speaking in front of a crowd or leading a team, but in reality, the more confident people are, the less they feel like they have to prove themselves. "This means they are slow to speak and quick to listen, especially with those closest to them," Patrick explains. Unfortunately lots of people think they're great listeners when they're really not.Tip: Read these 7 clear signs you're being a bad listener to make sure your listening skills are up to par. 4) Don't spend hours on FacebookConfident people use social media wisely. Spending too much time on Facebooklooking at everyone's "perfect" lives will make anyone feel less confident, so use social media only with a clear intention. "Confident people use social media to connect with specific people or to communicate with someone, and they don't just surf it because they're bored," Sanok says. "They also learn how to put what they see into perspective and recognize that they aren't seeing the whole picture."Tip: The research backs up this approach: A recent study found that the more time people spend on social media the more depressed and lonely they are in real life. 5) Make fun of othersMocking other people or putting them down is a tactic used primarily by insecure people to make themselves look and feel better by comparison. But it doesn't work. Instead, confident people display their strength by supporting others around them, Patrick says. This will not only make you more confident but it will also make people more confident in you.Tip: "We all value and believe in those who value us," she adds. 6) SlouchBody posture can do a lot to convey confidence or lack thereof, Sanok says. "Having a strong posture is one of the surest ways to convey confidence," he says. "If you don't feel confident in your body for some reason then it's important to identify the problem and fix it, say, by working out more or practicing 'power poses.'" And it's not just the way you stand, what you're wearing can have a big effect on your confidence too.Tip: Check out these surprising ways clothing affects your mood. 7) Assume they have all the answers"The willingness to listen to the viewpoints and ideas of others demonstrates maturity and self-control—both of which exude confidence," Patrick says. Instead of thinking their ideas are the best or only path to success, confident people recognize that others have much to offer and are open to considering all opinions.Tip: (Psst... If you need a cheat-sheet though, here are the answers to 25 of life's toughest questions!) 8) Play the victim"Confidence comes from acting, not reacting," Sanok says, adding that this helps people feel in control of their own lives and destinies instead of being at the mercy of the universe. "People with low confidence just let life happen to them and then blame others when things go badly," he says.Tip: Instead of focusing on what's wrong, break the cycle by trying one of these science-backed tips to instantly boost your confidence. 9) Fudge the truthThere is some truth in the old saying "fake it 'till you make it," but that only goes so far with confidence, Sanok says. "You do want to act like you know what you're talking about—but speak only about what you know," he says. "Don't lie or pretend to know something you don't. Confident people will admit when they don't know something and will ask others or offer to find the information." Think you'd never fudge the truth?Tip: Here are some psychological reasons even honest people feel compelled to lie. 10) Are intimidated by others' success"Confident people are not intimidated or threatened by other capable people, as they recognize that everyone suffers from the same insecurities," Patrick says. Instead of comparing their worst to other people's best and feeling jealous or envious, they can recognize what they have and are grateful for it, she adds. Success isn't a zero-sum game.Tip: But if you can't completely stop the green-eyed monster, here are some tips to make your jealousy work in your favor. 11) Obsess over the pastYour internal dialogue can make or break you when it comes to confidence because you believe what you tell yourself, Sanok explains. So if you're constantly obsessing over your faults and past mistakes, you'll feel like a failure and act like one. But if instead you tell yourself that you are beautiful, smart, and can change the world, then you'll start to act like that, he adds.Tip: It's also important to stop telling others or yourself to "just be more confident"—it isn't that simple and can even backfire. 12) Get lost in the detailsGetting bogged down by too many choices or small details is a surefire way to appear less confident, Sanok says. Eventually you have to make the best choice you can with the information you have and move forward with it. "Confident people learn to focus on the one thing that will make everything else easier," he explains. "They don't waste time and energy on the small stuff." You have to figure out what's really key to your happiness and success and what isn't—and then let that other stuff go.Tip: And if that little stuff includes unfolded socks or a bulging file cabinet, relax, there are some real upsides to being messy. 13) Spend all their time at workConfident people are often natural leaders at work but that doesn't mean they spend all their time there. Instead of being workaholics, those with confidence will figure out what energizes them and brings them happiness—whether it's golf, reading, dancing, or traveling—and make sure they have time to do those things, Sanok says. They're confident enough to say no to others' demands on their time and to say yes to taking care of themselves.Tip: Here's how to say no to the more annoying things in life. 14) Cross their armsIt may sound like a little thing but crossing your arms over your chest makes you appear defensive and the opposite of confident, Sanok says. Confident people stay on the same level as those they are talking to—sitting if the other person is sitting or standing if the other person is standing. That's because confident people will slightly mirror the other person's posture and gestures (but don't mimic too precisely or you'll just look creepy!).Tip: Take it a step further by taking posing advice from the pros with these body-confidence tricks from plus-size models. If you are interested in any of the "Tips" from this easy going RD article, you can follow it up by googling the heading. I thought it was enlightening, it struck many chords and answered a lot of questions for me. I hope you enjoy looking it over. My question/s? I'm not entirely sure. I don't want it to sound like some sort of study! So, what'd you think? Did you feel like you got anything out of it that would work for you on RHP? Feel free to expand, I look forward to seeing what y'all forumites make of this article. Peachy

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RHP User

8 years ago

Thank you for that...very interesting topic

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RHP User

8 years ago

...and I always enjoy anything with intellect that discusses the human personality and/or behaviors. Equally, the ''hot links'' within the article once you go to the page are interesting as well. Thanks......

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lovman8

8 years ago

that I'm not confident. But I .did enjoy the post

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VillainNVixen

8 years ago

My confidence is a work in progress as always. Some good points to work on here. Ive found confidence comes with age as you understand and become more comfortable with yourself. Totally agree that those that like to tell everyone how confident they are generally arent. The comfortable in their confidence are definitely sexy as hell

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RHP User

8 years ago

Is situational for me.It really depends on where I am and who I am with.I get a bit overwhelmed if I walk into a room full of strangers.Not at all confident in that situation.But I am reasonably confident when meeting new people for the first time or small groups of people.Do I do any of the fourteen points you listed Peachy? Well I will peruse them carefully and get back to you :) hugs Q

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RHP User

8 years ago

Wow great topic. The timing of this is weird because someone I used to care about said you need confidence. I guess I need to try all of these. - Posted from rhpmobile

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Sawadee

8 years ago

No everyone is born confident .. A lot depends on your upbringing. I think you'll find if your parents are confident it tends to rub off and it becomes normal behaviour.. Being raised by a single mother who was short on confidence , i found in my early years I tended to follow the same . Wasn't til I reached my teens and a budding career in the Rugby League that I started to believe what I had to say was just as important as the next man.. To this day I still think the same.. But confidence means nothing if you don't know how to listen or appreciate another persons opinion.

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swingalingson

8 years ago

Confidence is not to be confused with cockyness. Confidence takes situations and experiences. With time it will develope. But if you choose to stay in your shell for magic to happen. It will take ages. Confidence is from within or someone takes you there. Like training wheels on a bike. With peers and mentors slowly you stop relying on the wheels and propell yourself to new experiences.

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RHP User

8 years ago

Well I'd hoped this might make it to Hot Topics but I didn't have a lot of confidence! Thank you kindly Moments. Chasin', Hot Links, thank you, I wondered what they were called. And over the moon to think someone actually followed it up. xo Lovman, I think you understate yourself. xo Keentoflirt... Yes, yes and oh yes. Q, I will be reporting back myself. Not today, it's a bit busy here. Hugs to you friend, xox Very cool Redrouge, I'm a lover of serendipity. But also a lover of not being too hard on myself while I look at where I could be better according to this list but recognise that I am doing my best. Early to bed tonight. Early to rise... Peachy

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RHP User

8 years ago

That was a couple of busy days at home and now I have more time to collect my thoughts. I'm confident enough to say I could do with working with more than half of the points in the article to some degree or another, and that I will put in varying degrees of effort toward those points. Also that I have had gone a decent way towards understanding of an indecent amount of the points in my time on RHP. It's a great place for it when accepting the grounding of those lessons that, I am the basis of my change. Peachy

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MrPlayful

7 years ago

Peachy this is an interesting read and thanks for posting it. This post it is saying that I am confident. Most of the time I would tick all of these boxes. On the other hand I completely agree with Q in that it is situational for me too and I would suggest that it would be the same for most people all over the world... There must be some situation that even the most confident person feels uncomfortable in. Jayme, I think that nobody was born confident, we were born with nothing and strongly agree that everyone learns their confidence as they go along - our experiences shape us. Guidance is the key, which as suggested by this article is generally done by someone with confidence. But those who guide need compassion and understanding and that's where I think this article lacks a bit. The person you know who seems to have the most confidence, where nothing flusters them, booming with presence and that they're opinion is always the correct one, generally lacks compassion. Yes they are confident because nothing can shoot them down. My way or the highway type of confident mentality. But these guys are aggressive and not confident, and are generally arseholes. (Note that not all may be arseholes). This article puts compassion in with confidence and I don't think that is necessarily correct. I prefer to view different types of people as aggressive, assertive and submissive. An aggressive person generally would not be one of my friends and typically I wouldn't bother wasting my time to help them with much at all. I'd rather let them fall, which sounds a bit harsh, but thinking about this as I re-read what I write, is because of two things... firstly because at some time I've seen them be aggressive to my friends, colleagues or myself and want them to fail... which probably is due to the second reason that is if they do fail then maybe they will come back a peg and be less aggressive. Or maybe I just don't like arseholes who have no compassion and don't understand we all are who we are because of our experiences in life, and that most of those experiences in life we did not choose. Most people are assertive and reasonable people - we don't always have to agree on everything, but we should be able to respect oeachothers opinions and move forward. Sometimes we too fail at that and that is ok, we all do the wrong thing at times. Submissive people are generally a quieter person, or as the words above say, go with the flow. Some of these people are true treasures however, we might just not know that about them yet. But when we choose to listen to those people we find out who they are, and if we engage long enough we work out why. One would correctly say that we could talk with the aggressive person too and work out why they are who they are, which again is just their experiences taking them to who they are, but the difference is that generally an aggressive person I believe is not wanting your help, or to listen to your opinion on why they should change, so what's the point in trying - they need to fall to learn, if they don't just blame their failure on someone else. Two other points I disagree on, which of course are generalisations. Don't spend too much time on Facebook. If you know someone on FB who may be having a rough time, then maybe you might care to take the time to respond appropriately to their posts. Obviously one would need to have enough thought to ensure their public posts are not embarrassing though, but this is a good medium to provide ones positive support, without it seeming like support if you know what I mean... a friend's teenager son may be the example here perhaps, you don't want to seem to get actively involved, but want to offer some positive support. The other thing is not spending too much time at work.. it depends on each person's goals in life, or where they see their best use of their time. Someone might go to work for 60 hours a week, working two jobs etc just to get ahead in life, so they can relax later on, or provide for their family the best they can. This doesn't mean they are not confident, they are just thinking ahead, leading by example, providing for their family, sacrificing their wants for now for those they love or for their future. Others who work long hours may do it because they love doing what they do. They might be a trainer and just love helping others, and you might find that these people are some of the most compassionate but sorted people you have ever met. Apart from what I have written here, which I am truly sorry for the length of, the whole concept of the article is great and I couldn't agree more. How does this apply to rhp? As Q said, it is situational, so everyone is allowed to feel uncomfortable in any given situation if they like. My advice (for any context), give things a go, take small, cautious steps if unsure, and analyze carefully as you proceed. Practice makes perfect, but don't continue with things that don't become more enjoyable as you proceed. If that however involves someone else, make sure they're compassionate and not the arsehole. But above all, do things you enjoy, even if they are by yourself. Laugh lots, and at yourself too. Surround yourself in others who you enjoy and forget those you don't.

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RHP User

7 years ago

Get defensive when corrected..Once again it depends on who is doing the correcting..if it is someone whose opinion I care about,then no...otherwise it's phttt :) Try and please everyone...nope and I ain't everyone's cup of chai :) Talk more than I listen...I try really hard not to. I don't do Facebook Make fun of others..no..that kind of humour is just cruel Slouch..maybe a little Do I have all the answers..hell no..just lots of questions. Play the victim..nope..the refuge of the coward. Fudge the truth..happy to put my hand up to the not knowing. Am I intimidated by others success ?..no,I will celebrate your successes with you Obsess over the past..no.but the past informs my present. Get lost in the details?..no ,I've always have been a big picture person. Spend all my time at work?--never could understand why anyone would do that. Cross my arms?,,only if I am cold :) So there ya go Peachy..I have tried to be as honest as I could be..But it's not always easy to be objective about ones self ..hugs Q

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RHP User

7 years ago

I've started this reply 3 times, problem solved why my laptop screen was suddenly displaying in portrait in the moments I was away from the screen and this time, I hope to remember to save if I decide to turn off the laptop for any reason... Haha, I did send a suggestion to RHP asking them to consider us being able to save our posts as templates for moments like that or when we find we've timed out. If it's something you'd like too, hit 'em up. Thank you Q and Mister_Playful for going into the topic so fully. I appreciate that. Q, Thank you for giving so much of yourself, I think you know I have an appreciation for balance and that is how your post comes across to me. Your touches of individuality and ability to encapsulate with a touch of humour and honesty. I'm going to try to reply more fully to Mister_Playful about the article, it's lucky we're not using reply-to-quote. Hugs, Peachy xo

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