M47
Damaged goods.
September 23 2013
Comments
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RHP User
11 years ago
We're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again ... I grew up in a house of domestic violence and then went on to marry a man who was mentally abusive and found his brothers wife more appealing . Since separating I thought I would finally be at peace but every few days brings a barrage of nasty text messages from him. This causes a great fluctuation in my emotions and trying to find someone who can totally understand me and accept me is hard. I'm jealous, distrusting, constantly questioning people's motives and just plain scared a lot of the time. I'm sure one day I will meet that special person even just for friendship who can understand and love me anyway as will you :)- Posted from rhpmobile
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Mischeviouslad
11 years ago
There are two terms often used for people in your expressed circumstance....BaggageorSelf sabotage.WE ALL HAVE BAGGAGE...... to say you have none at all means you haven't loved, or, you're a sociopath with no thoughts, cares or feelings for your fellow manBut self sabotage is something you project.Now.... the fact you've written this topic suggests your pattern of behaviour does NOT sit comfortably with you.So the obvious question is...... how do you propose to change that pattern of thinking and behaviour?!Nothing will get any better until you do. DG
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RHP User
11 years ago
I don't believe you are 'damaged goods' as such Gavin. Hurt yes.. scared I would say.. maybe still holding onto an impossible ideal even. They say time heals all.. I'm not sure if time alone is the answer though.. sometimes, you have to actively search your heart and mind, work through and process things which are still outstanding, in order to move forward.Sadly, there are no easy.. nor pat answers to such a situation as yours. I wish you every success though Gavin.. you seem an intelligent person, and I hope the answers come to you.. and are workable in helping you deal with the grief of a lost love.warm regardsAly
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RHP User
11 years ago
I don't think so Gavin. What it does mean is that having experienced something so powerful and intimate that most everything else in between now feels incomplete and pales in comparison to your expectations. The up side is you KNOW it exists, can be found and is what you truly want ... failure is only realised once you stop trying.
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RHP User
11 years ago
and it's not usually until we hit rock bottom that we do something about it. Broken can be fixed! If you cant change your thoughts about the matter, try shifting your intention ..your thoughts and feelings will follow. Mr S
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RHP User
11 years ago
.... so many profiles with the statement "NO BAGGAGE" - and I laugh each time I read it. For most of us, well anyone over 20 I guess, if we don't have an form of baggage we haven't lived! Baggage is life experience, and how YOU deal with your own experiences makes you who you are. Some wear their baggage as a cloak, it defines them, it controls them, it is their crux, their excuse for all their ills and misfortunes. For others, it is worn like a necklace, out of sight most of the time, but present never-the-less. They don't let it control them, their baggage, their experiences become their mantra on their life, the things they promise themselves never to experience or initiate again. And then there is the small minority who refuse to accept they have any baggage at all, in their mind they have lived a perfect life. Of the three types I just described, the last is the group that scare me the most !! Mooks
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RHP User
11 years ago
There are times in our lives when certain events, loss or relationship changes cause profound changes in ourselves. Everyone is different and takes their own individual grieving or healing time. Some take days or weeks and others take years so don't put pressure on yourself or be so hard on yourself. Not sure if I have understood you enough but it almost sounds like you expect to get that "Home" feeling with the next lady you love that comes along. You will not love the same way every time but with the right love you will feel that intense feeling again. Some of the changes we go through are at the time considered to be positive or negative but in the long run I am a true believer that they are all positive as they help us to grow in ways we often do not recognise. If it did not work out with your lost love then she wasn't really the one for you was she or she would still be there. So Mrs Right is still out there for you somewhere. My partner spent the better part of his adult life prior to meeting me as a single man playing the field and not really committing to any of the ladies he met on this and other adult sites and there were so many that his mates gave him a nickname over it. He was what you would describe as "damaged goods" till he met me. The right partner for you will enhance you and it will just work. If we had not been through certain things in life prior to meeting each other, even the sad things we would not have met so I am glad he lost his love and I lost my marriage as it led us to each other. There was a relationship he was in when he was in his early 20's where he was engaged and from what I can gather it was intense and he absolutely adored her. Without going into too much detail it had a profound effect on him and even changed his personality to some degree according to his family. I was married for 16 years to a man that developed a dependence on alcohol and I have no doubt that our split has also had a profound effect on him albeit sadly not enough of one to take him out of his binge drinking lifestyle. In the beginning when we were with these other partners we would have considered that we were with our soul mates and "home" as you have stated you were with this lost love of yours. Life changes and you will meet other people. Look at it as a journey on your way to the right destination. I beleive that there is more than just one soul mate or great love out there for all people as we have met each other and are very much in love and happy in that intense relationship that when my marriage fell apart I never thought I would ever find again. We learn and grow through that sould mate and when we no longer can learn and grow that is when we lose or move on to someone else. The lucky people in life learn, love and grow over a long time and sometimes for life. Give yourself time to grieve and go out and just have fun with other people and you will feel better over time and you will not feel like "damaged goods". You don't have to be in a relationship to define yourself as undamaged goods. The second time round for us in love with intense feelings for each other and we would both say that being in each others arms is like being home. I don't know how long it will take for you but you will find that again and only if you allow yourself to get through how you now feel and then move on. You just need to allow yourself to connect with others again. Remember that just because one hurt that it doesnt mean that others will be the same. You say that you are beyond thinking there is a chance of actually meeting anyone on here so you don't need to self promote. I wasnt feeling the same when I left my ex as years of verbal abuse and putting up with shitty alcoholic fueld behaviour kind of killed it for me ages before I decided to leave him. A friend of mine told me to get out there and live again so I took conservative little me out of my comfort zone, put myself on AMM, promoted myself and I met Mr Wefuk am deffinately not what you would describe as conservative any more and am living a different but totally satisfying life. So like my friend I will say to you: Get out there, have fun and deffinately self promote yourself on this and or other adult sites. Don't discount the women on this or other sites as I found "Home" again as I am sure you will. Hey if it takes a few years of casual fb fun like it did for Mr Wefuk then so be it. As the saying goes "Better to have lost a love than to never have loved at all". You said you have spoken to women onliine that seem to be in your boat. Avoid them like the plague and seek out the positive and those that have got it together. If you don't promote yourself and be positive you will attract people with issues and you will block off any chances of finding that feeling again. Don't expect fireworks with everyone and just enjoy the connection even if you don't get that feeling of home. One thing I can say for sure is don't commit either unless that intense feeling is there as too many people settle for less as I did with my ex and it just doesnt work in the long run. Sorry that I have rambled a bit and not got straight to answering your question. Can't help it. It's just the way I'm wired.Simple answer to your question is: No, it wont work while you are still grieving, depressed, not well or morning for that relationship. You can't let another in the way you should till you are well again. As Mischevsouslad said : Nothing will get better till you do.
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RHP User
11 years ago
I've often thought your profile shot portrayed you as lonely. When people go through break ups they need time to grieve the loss of the relationship. When grief isn't dealt with it can lead to all sorts of problems, iincluding self doubt, worthlessness, self induced isolation and depression. If you see yourself in a negative light, others will too and it doesn't allow yourself the opportunity to have positive experiences, thereby perpetuating the negative. It is very easy to fall into this vicious cycle of negativity. You can however break it, it does take effort, a lot in fact and all yours and all about you. It does help to have the support of good friends and family, it is better help to see a counsellor, someone who looks forward rather than backward. Cognitive BrainTraining is a method that is widely used to get you thinking straight. Its not as scary as it sounds, basically you decide what you want out of life, break it down into positive language and constantly repeat it to yourself until you are living it. Learn to move forward, you lived and loved once, you can do it again, acknowledge that your past relationship is over and learn from your mistakes, remember the good times, you must have had them and take a risk to love again. You Can Do IT!
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RHP User
11 years ago
Is sometimes the most beautiful of all things.As an Artist it is those so called flaws that I see the beauty in.No you may never have that kind of love again, you may however find something of a different shape that gives you joy.That is all we as humans can hope for. I lay with my lover the other day, just like you said, and he said, I forgot what this feels like to be held like this. I had also forgotten myself what it feels like to lay in that nice intimate embrace.We find it where we can, in small measures is best, for if we drink to deep of it the longing will consume us.Each of us has had our battles, some won some lost and some horrors put in the boxes of stored memory.Just try not to drag it with you, we know its there but just check it at the station now and again. Do not try to replicate the sublime, thats what drug addicts do, you will never reach it again.Its our baggage that shapes us, if you have a heavy load, well you just get stronger as you move forward.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'Mischeviouslad' There are two terms often used for people in your expressed circumstance....BaggageorSelf sabotage.WE ALL HAVE BAGGAGE...... to say you have none at all means you haven't loved, or, you're a sociopath with no thoughts, cares or feelings for your fellow manBut self sabotage is something you project.Now.... the fact you've written this topic suggests your pattern of behaviour does NOT sit comfortably with you.So the obvious question is...... how do you propose to change that pattern of thinking and behaviour?!Nothing will get any better until you do. DG you so need a slap, and honey I am just the woman to give it to you...LadyT booking a ticket as we speak, bend over honey your ego is about to get a paddle
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RHP User
11 years ago
Sure is...That happens after a break up or a Trauma.Is it where one doubts themselves, questions what went wrong, falls into a deep hole, fights to get out.It's horrible feelings that go with a broken heart.It is like it will never mend.Been there once after my marriage break up.I made a promise I will never go there again!!Lasted for a year till a met someone who believed in me and gave me hope.It's like the saying....There is light at the end at the tunnel but no-one says how long the tunnel is!I believe everyone has some sort of emotional baggage and their own story.Foxy
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RHP User
11 years ago
I also believe that the choices we make about our approach to life are the ones that out us in that category. It's pretty normal to be broken after a relationship fails, but we all know people who have bounced back from it and we all know people who have remained 'broken' for years. It takes understanding to stop being broken, both our own and that of others. It takes support to stop being broken. It takes patience to stop being broken. The last and most important one I will save for the end of the post. Remember that when you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you....being 'broken' can be like the abyss, the more power you give it, the more power it can take from you.The last thing I believe it takes to stop being broken is courage. Courage to face yourself with all your flaws held up to the mirror, courage to look and see your strengths, courage to let it go, courage to risk the pain again.But I do believe there is redemption.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Its possible that you have not given yourself Gavin time.....unfortunately some men run from one women to another. If your love was so intense this is why the next will not live up to her. I dont know enough of your situation I just know you wont replace her.......you never can. But there will be someone else, someone different and maybe it will be her head that needs to be on your chest???
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RHP User
11 years ago
Thank you to all who has answered my question thus far. I would be here all afternoon responding to each answer I'm sorry. I believe we are products of our own environment, and as evolution implies, the strongest shall live on. My own personal evolution has been a pretty much a full 180, as opposed to a half 180 which would only be a 90, which doesn't sound as impressive. From spending weekends either drunk or hungover to painting and trying to read books on philosophy and spirituality (which started pre-relationship though). I am a different man to back then, some better, some worse. Some of your answers, I have heard similar before (although hearing them again somewhat validates what has been said) but as most of us know, its hard to practice a lot of this. I recognise some self destructive behaviour in myself, but can't seem to hold it back. And the women I have met, its very possible I started something with them because I knew it wouldn't last. I don't think I'm yearning for a/my goddess, or for the inner peace and calm that she blessed me with....
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RHP User
11 years ago
the question should be,who isn't broken,who hasn't got some cracks because we have all lived life...it is not what happens to us I believe ,it's how we deal with those situations and events that cause us such unbelievable pain.Resilience is a word I like,I think I am a Raku pot,the Japanese dig a pit and fire the pot at very high temperatures,the pots aren't conventionally beautiful but their form texture and earthy colours are what makes them so...The other word I like is thankfullness...we are so fortunate in this country,we have so much,be thankful for all the gifts you have,the life you lead.And the reality is,you had a love,you loved deeply and true,you may never find a love like that again but there are many different permutations of love,be open to all of them,family,friends and the possibility of friends who are lovers.Many people including me,have never had that experience.The heart is often lonely Gavin,but the only one who can heal you is you.Nobody else can do that,but first to lift up your head and gaze around you,start with the simple things,it could change your life xx R
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RHP User
11 years ago
I went through a similar thing recently. It takes a while to become ready to let someone in. Yes we need to grieve for what is lost and no one can tell you how long that grieving will be. You never get over the pain and the grief when you love someone that intensely, you just get through it, one day at a time and eventually you wake up and they are not the first thing you think of. Eventually you can say you are okay with this and learn to love again. Some people do become so broken that it colours their lives. The fact that you are prepared to talk about it is a huge plus in your favour. I know I don't ever want to hurt that badly again. I also know that I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone so unless I let someone else into my life I will be alone. A crazy old cat lady! You eventually sort through the baggage, throw some out and store the rest into carry on size. There is light at the end of the tunnel. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
Hey Gavin, we all have baggage, it how we handle the baggage that matters. I like to think of a good path as not losing your grand hopes & ideals, but still living in the meantime. By meantime, I mean embracing the bits in between our goals and ideals. The everyday stuff. I can't top any of the advice above, but want to wish you well in keeping your chin up mate. Hope that is helpful.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Baggage, you can carry it around with you, or put it down and move on. I don't mean that disrespectfully.Appreciate your honesty.
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cleopatrababe
11 years ago
Gavin you are stronger than u think each experience we have makes us stronger and more resiliant , we learn the lesson we move on ,, we all have baggage its how we wear it some have a whole household others maybe a room, i was married for over 31 years that finished and then i met what i felt was the true love of my life i poured my whole being into it , when it was over i felt like all the blood had been drained out of my body , all the men i met after that didint even come anywhere near what i was looking for , i had to learn to love myself and that has relly saved me honour ur self , honour ur true nature ur wonderself in all that u are , the right woman will come into ur life and stay because u will become grounded , i wish u luck ur young ur life is ahead of u
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chevtrek
11 years ago
I gave my heart 100% and was let down real bad twice. Also it can be worse when your older but chin up and soldier on as its the best we can do. Oh leave the past behind.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Feeling for you at the same time as endorsing the majority of responses. Baggage is what we collect throughout the myriad of experiences in our life. Like when we're travelling, it's good to have our baggage close by. You just don't want to go over the limit and have to pay excess. Only you can decide when the time has come to jettison that excess baggage that is doing nothing but weighing you down.As for broken? Leonard Cohen had it right: 'There's a crack in everything. It's how the light gets in'.Sending you best wishes OP.
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RHP User
11 years ago
I've spent most of the last 6 months drowning in these thoughts Gavin. I been worried that I'll become my ex gf... Unable to welcome someone into my life, but worse, pushing away anyone who did breach the walls... (As I breached hers) I have a dear friend who has wallowed in alcohol, drugs and depression for 25 years, because of a failed love... I was scared I'd become him after my marriage ended 4 years ago... But it turns... I've met some great people these past couple of months, and the world starts to feel a nicer place, and when you feel better, better people want to know you... It just happens. Hp xo 💌 Because you're worth it...
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RHP User
11 years ago
I agree wholeheartedly :) I walked away from a relationship a few years ago and regretted it instantly, but it was already too late. I've spent the years since then consumed by grief, sadness, worry about him, and regret. These feelings have been intense and relentless and I knew there was nothing I could do but get on with my life (keep going through the motions) and ride them out. Instinctively I knew it would take a long time for me to heal and it has. I've had a couple of significant turning points along the way where things suddenly got a bit easier but overall it's been slow and intensely painful. Like Handmaiden, I don't ever want to hurt like that again (or hurt someone like that again) but I also don't want to be alone. So when the time is right, and it's getting closer, I'll open myself up to meeting people again. I do wonder if I'll always be a tiny bit broken - if something died a little in my heart that will never come to life again. But I don't think that will make me incapable of love, it just makes me a different person than I was a few years ago. I'm getting to know that person person and have to learn to love her enough (and forgive her) so that others can do the same. So OP I think it's possible to be badly broken but also to put yourself back together and learn to love yourself and life again. Then you can love others and be loved. Good luck x
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RHP User
11 years ago
Maybe you haven't healed completely - and simply need to enjoy life and wait it out. At least till you are completely over said girl. I'm sure once this is achieved it will be much easier to find someone special.
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RHP User
11 years ago
HP.....drowning is a good word to describe those feeling sometimes.And does this mean we are all baggage handlers?
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RHP User
11 years ago
I learn't this earlier this year... separated from the wife, moved to Sydney with no friends or family... pretty depressing.The one thing that got me through it all was knowing there is a tomorrow and things can get better.You are damaged goods because you believe that... and that is valid.What you probably need to do (and this is my humble opinion only) is:Seek some professional help (you can get it free through your doctor), this will help avoid the drunken weekends you refer too.Then talk to your close friends and family (communication is key to healing and growth).Surround yourself with positive people in a no-pressure environment (maybe come to a M&G) and just talk and make friends... just friends.Finally learn to love yourself, only then will the damage be repaired enough to find love again with another.If you seek the goddess then finding her will be elusive and frustrating. Relax, you have your whole life ahead of you and will find her when the time is right.I know it is hard and from what you have written above you are well on your way back to happiness, just don't lose sight of who you are and where you want to be. You will get there one day.
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RHP User
11 years ago
I have given up the grog, which I actually gave up just before I met the woman in question. I was fully healed from previous self destructive behaviour when I met her and I guess that's why it also hurt so much. I am now 6yrs sober and proud of it. It kind of rules out most meet and greets as a lot usually end up with a bit of excessive drinking. I don't care if people want to drink but I just can't be around it myself. Once I get out of my current job which keeps me away from home 85% of the time meeting people will be easier. I think everyone pretty much agrees that a broken person can be fixed. Also thank you to all who shared their own personal experiences, I appreciate your openness.
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yankmychain56
11 years ago
two broken marriages, several women 'prospects' chasing me, but chasing the elusive one who wants me, but she holds me at a distance. Dont know If I will ever have a 'normal' relationship.I feel much the same way, that i will never be in a 'normal' relationship.Part of it was from my lifestyle, a career in the military, bouncing around the planet every three years, then offshore for the next ten. People talk about relatives and seeing a friend they have known for thirty years, visiting a certain relative every week or month for their whole life, and I just cant relate to it.First ex couldnt deal with bouncing around the planet with me, not knowing where I was going (i didnt either), and not knowing if I would ever come back, and i just didnt understand her view on it, and the other ex had been in the same place for her whole life and I felt like a rat in a cage.So I see myself free.I was crushed by one and crushed the other.The woman I am seeing now holds me off at a distance, which is probably a good thing as I dont want to hurt anymore people.I do feel that everyone has a soulmate out there, it is just hard to find them sometimes.The best thing I can say is just keep looking, dont jump in to a relationship too quick and guard your heart.The right one is out there.I think....
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RHP User
11 years ago
I have seen a few colleagues and friends retreat into the bottle and I admire your commitment.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Well done 6yrs.FOXY
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RHP User
11 years ago
Thanks guy. Been a tough road, especially when all my mates and work mates drink while we're away.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Justforfun... Spot on mate, on both counts. Congrats Gavin 👍 Hp xo 💌 Because you're worth it...
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On_Safari
11 years ago
My coat of many colours however is something entirely different Gavin. Struggles, disappointment, trials and challenges all contribute to what and who we are. I, like my broken friends, my broken dreams, my lost loves and my horror mistakes have only become stronger, and you beautiful man will become as tempered as the rest of us who "LIVE LIFE" me....I've been down to my knees but by God I wasn't going to stay down on them. Only you can choose to get up again, I guess this is where those pretty little boxes come in handy, put her away Gav; she's tired and no longer needs you to carry her load. You have a whole new life ahead of you and tomorrow IS a new day with NO MISTAKES. Thing is ....... are you going to choose to grab it with both hands, if not....it's just that you need a little more contemplative rest before you take up your life. No rush heart, all in good time. DG I'm picking Lady T up at the airport, I love you but even I know you aren't made of steel. Lol which is why you are here, (sigh). I am the sum of my mistakes, but I am also the promise of a beautiful future.
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RHP User
11 years ago
The capacity of a man to love can be measured by his capacity to feel pain.Hard but is finding the right one.
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madotara69
11 years ago
Quoting 'justforfunisall' The capacity of a man to love can be measured by his capacity to feel pain.Hard but is finding the right one. That is very true, love alone can hurt for no reason at all. Just because it is so. It is very hard to explain.All I can say is that If I were to loose Tara for any reason, I don't know if I would have the strength that you guys have shown.It would not be so much as to falling in love again, it would be more about falling out of the love to move on.It is a very touchy topic, and I am inclined to walk very lightly here.I think you are all brave.Mado
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RHP User
11 years ago
Then dive your brain head first into Buddhism and digest the precepts on non-attachment....Also, some of my work involves energy healing which addresses grief and loss. When you love someone as deep as the woman you call your Goddess then there is an energetic enmeshment of your auras (the energy field around the body) as well as "energetic cords" that are attached between you from the love/bond/sex you shared. It may be time to give back her aura/cords and pull yours back, project love towards her and surround yourself in love.. Then you may open your space to invite in a new Goddess. :)
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RHP User
11 years ago
I agree whole heartedly re non-attachment. Many people misunderstand what it actually means but when you get it and practice it, you can transform your life and experience new kinds of peace. Discovering that and various other esoteric concepts certainly changed my life for the better a decade or so ago.
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RHP User
11 years ago
And it got me thinking that very definitely in the short to mid term, we can be damaged to the point where any depth to a relationship is impossible. Goddess, I like the Buddhist concept of forgiveness, speaks to me far more than the western concept of it.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Ive been in many relationships and a few years ago at really good one ended and it ended badly, I was hurt and did take some time to get over. I have this rule the "clean slate" where my next relationship isn't encumbered with my previous ones, firstly its not their fault you have baggage, its not fair to them to put that in the new relationship. you need to have some time to yourself, sort yourself out and start again. for some its hard and takes practice but I treat each new relationship as a fresh start. What I find is a shame is the "walls" we put up and expect the new lovers to know whats going on. we all have issues we need to deal with but if you want to make things work you have to make it work with yourself first.
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RHP User
11 years ago
I was reading spirituality books but they don't resonate within in me at all. Also not long got back from Thailand and visited countless temples and witnessed a few Buddhist practices, again, not my thing. I pretty much now read philosophical and science based books when I do read now.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Sounds to me that someone never really got over the relationship breakdown. Forget about what people say in the pub or in forums alike, you are a man, and men bleed just like everyone else. Prove yourself to be the man that you are and go and seek some counselling. It is not the weak thing to do, but it is the strong thing to do. You would be surprised at how good you can feel after talking to a professional.
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RHP User
11 years ago
This is rhp, it's like a rick hart seconds store if you are shopping for a relationship. You are whatever you perceive yourselves to be and nothing more ie if you don't think you're strong, you're not 'A man is the product of his thoughts' Simples ;) Also, Pink speaks the language of victims and junkies. Change your vocabulary, change your outlook, don't listen to pop stars they are mostly idiots who haven't got a clue motivated by producers who know better but care less ;) 'Broken' is a metaphor and all metaphors are false. You are not broken, you are just scared. 'You like it 'cos you choose it!' So choose something else! - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
I was in a relationship at the end of last year to the start of this one. We were best friends from the day we met, we just had this crazy connection and saw each other every day for the first 6 weeks! Not all sex, we would have crazy conversations, go skinny dipping, laze on the couch for hours etc and she was really good with my boy. It was intense but after 4-5 months she wasnt ready to commit and still wanted to play the field. I didnt mind but I just wanted her to make the commitment and be together, she could play as much as she wanted... In the end I walked away. Heart broken that such an intense friendship and sex didnt develop into something more. This was the first girl Ive ever been with I can honestly say I wanted to spend the rest of my life with (even my boys mum and I didnt have the same connection). I now feel like the original post. I wouldnt say Im broken now, but I know what a proper relationship should feel like and now everything else doesnt have the same feel to it. I dont think I could settle for anything less than that type of connection now either...
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RHP User
11 years ago
I had a broken heart for years and probably wasted alot of time...my very precious time!! missing someone who dodn't even deserve itThe best day of youre life is when you wake up one day and realize you haven't even thought about them for a while AND what the hell did I see in that person anyway!!!!!!Trust me...it WILL happen...be kind to yourself :)
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RHP User
11 years ago
Mate , count yourself lucky that you have loved so intensely. There are many bad things in life and having loved is not one of them . I have been there too. Don't try too hard , get out there and love life it will happen again just don't do it until you are ready and don't settle for second best.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Ok my arm is a simple tattoo that's days my pain clearly ... Love is like a tattoo It hurts when it bleeds But last for every when it heals :)
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RHP User
11 years ago
Gavin, you seem to have convinced yourself that you are damaged.......you need to change how you think of yourself. Everyone has gone thru this, you are not alone. If you allow yourself to think this way, you will never find happiness again. Sometimes you just need to step back, look at your good qualities, hell ask your friends what they are. You can't let one relationship, which turned sour, affect every other person who enters your life. You spoke so beautifully about the good parts of your relationship, they will happen again if you let them. It kinda sounds like you haven't let go of that relationship yet.........that is a pretty big thing. Without sound closure, you will never be able to move on.Good luck, be kind to yourself. xxx
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RHP User
11 years ago
Thank you all, some very good advice in all this. Twokinky, "catch the wind", I like it! Sailin_by, I'm not a fan of Pinks music, but when she apologised to Australian farmers for supporting PETA in their boycott of Australian wool, that showed me she is indeed a strong person! So she has my respect.
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RHP User
11 years ago
What a spectacular post :)
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RHP User
11 years ago
I could relate to a lot in your post. I can recommend a few books if you like, am happy to loan them to you if you don't bugger off with them, which is what often happens when I'm generous with my library. ;) Just three short bits of advice from me. The first is to take your time to grieve in whatever way you need. Some people try to be helpful by saying, "That was (X amount of time) ago, shouldn't you be over it by now?", which I find adds a lot of unnecessary guilt and pressure to something that already sucks bigtime. Contrary to popular advice from almost everyone, I haven't found on stone tablets sent by God to humankind any kind of allowable/prescribed time for mourning the loss of a love. The amount of time needed varies on the individual and the circumstances. Besides, I think a lot of the people who 'get over' things really quickly really just burry, deny or blot them out anyway. If you haven't tried some counselling yet, I can personally recommend it as helpful, provided you 'click' with your counsellor. Heartbreak is a loss, sometimes more powerful than bereavement or having your house burn down with everything you own in it. There's no shame in getting a little 'stuck' as a result of that loss, and having someone trained in listening and the right questions to ask to help you through. The final bit: your next relationship/love will never be the same again. She'll be different, and you'll be different to how you were. So it won't be the same but that can be an OK thing. Think of it like you've holidayed in France for 6 years but have found out you can never go back to France but have to go to the Netherlands instead from now on. You learned French, you love French food, and first of all you can only see the differences. But soon you get a taste for Grolsch, you start picking up the language and wearing clogs. You decide that tulips and edam are better than anything France had to offer in the first place. The Netherlands will never be France, but you can learn to love being in the Netherlands instead.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Sorry Gavin, I forgot you don't drink alcohol when I wrote that, I wasn't trying to be a dick. Replace the word 'Grolsch' with whatever bottled water the Netherlands sells in competition to France's Evian and then we'll be set. Water's better for you anyway.
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RHP User
11 years ago
No offence taken brother. Thank you for your advice and everyone else who has commented. I am in a lot better headspace now than I was a couple of years ago. I just feel now with a relationship or a relationship in the making I remember how good the mentioned relationship was and if this one doesn't seem right, I don't tend to keep working on it. I am comfortable on my own, I'm used to it after having lived 85% of my adult life on my own but it would be nice to have someone to share it with.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Hi, I read your post and my heart went out to you. You obviously fell hard for this woman. But you need to ask yourself the big question? What did I learn from the experience and how can I improve it next time? Am I able to love completely - the answer is yes ! Sure, it's scary, but that's life, that's what makes it interesting :-) Shakespeare has a saying which goes 'Love all, trust a few, do wrong to done'.....but I think we should all 'Love all, trust all and do wrong to none. Good luck honey x
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RHP User
11 years ago
Hi there...I am replying just based on what you said... come on man...I know we are all different and we all feel things differently...emotive forces affect us all differently but there is no way your life should be discounted because of a bad relationship...now I do not know both sides of the story but I know that prostitution is legal in the country and as a pussy loving man....you need to get laid and get this other asshole woman out of your mind...life is wayyyyy too short to be getting bogged down...now I realise that people may have a problem letting go of the past but serious do yourswelf a favour and get some strange :)
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