Dealing with the death of patriarchal family figures

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  RHP User

  9 years ago

  But having had my brother die a year ago, and after all the obligatory 'it will get better in time' comments, it is a long haul. Time does not make it better, it just allows you to start remembering the good as opposed to the pain. It means that you still cry but less often. Regardless of age or circumstance death really sucks! The only rationale I could put to it is that they will be in a better place and I'm crying not for them but for me. For what I'VE lost. I still miss him every day and undoubtedly will for years to come but focus on what I had and not what I've lost. Not sure it's the answer but in short, my experience. So sorry for your loss natty. - Posted from rhpmobile

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  precious142

  9 years ago

  So sorry for you loss - any loss is tragic but a close family member is even harder to come to grips with. I was raised by parents with my 6 siblings, no grandprents, uncles, aunts, cousins etc so our godparnets and their families became our extended familiy. I lost my Ma 7 years ago, but was blessed that I was able to make the most of the 15 months she had left, plus the last 2 weeks I was with her day and night. That somehow made losing her abit easier to deal with. My Father lived for another 6 years, we had a smashing 90th birthday (4 day) celebration. His 7 kids, 8 grandies and great grandaughter had a fabulous time together (we live in different states and 1 brother o/seas) and then 3 weeks later it was time for him to move on and be with Ma. I found it difficult to adjust to losing Ma, but in all honexty, it was even harder when I lost my Dad - realising that there was no parent living was very difficult. Then just before Christmas I lost my last remaining godmother and that really hit me - how much my life as I knew it has changed - not having any older family member as part of my daily life. I have 2 older "aunties" still alive and cherish my weekly phone calls to them. I am very lucky that I have wonderful brothers and their families, we stay in touch as often as we can and decided that at least once evry 2 years will all try to get together as siblings. Holistic healing helped me deal with the pain and sorrow, also having friends around who understand your loss and grief help and also a bit of faith - although I am not super religious.......and at one stage I needed seem medicinal help as weil, dont be afraid to ask for and receive help. Get in touch if you would like to chat more.....

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  RHP User

  9 years ago

  I don't believe in the conventional view of reincarnation I do believe that our energy stays in a different form Your Uncle remains in your memory and the memories of others who loved him. He had a long life and I presume a happy one. Enjoy those memories ,grieve for his loss and then be happy for the fact that he was in your life. Hugs xxFreya

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  RHP User

  9 years ago

  A (married) uncle and aunt, a number of years apart, obviously to seperate circumstances; leaving their three children (my cousins). At the time they were the closest outside of my immediate family, and were a core part of the family structure and social circle, if you will. The memories and sad moments come and go, sometimes they manifest in happy, positive memories (especially as he was a bit of a larrikin/joker, more so before he lost his partner), other times you can be hit with sadness or a sudden onset of emotion, sometimes this is compounded by other losses. There is no easy way forward, but the more people support you have the better. Ozfun1 said it best, on how things heal or change somewhat over the long term. The first loss of these two was 15 years ago, nonetheless it still has an effect. Unfortunately, death is part of life, so to speak. Even if everyone lived to a ripe old age, we will still see many deaths in our lives, statistically that will be everyone older than us (I have one surviving grandparent), not to mention the loss of pets. The nature of the death does not always reflect on our ability to cope with it, it's more about the amount of connection and support and our own coping mechanisms.

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  RHP User

  9 years ago

  Is the name of a recent thread you can find on page 2 of hot topics started by Freya. In it, I make a comment about losing my beautiful mum 6 years ago. She was in her 50's when she died. And other forumites have shared some lovely thing also. Natty - I'm sorry to hear of your loss. It's always sad to lose a loved one no matter their age. When the people we love die, our relationships with them do not. We have our memories of things they did, or imagine what they might say when we are in certain situations. We may not be able to touch them - but they continue to live as part of us. There is no timeframe for grief. But people often hold onto pain never able to move on because they think if they let go of the pain, they've let go of the person they love, but it's not true. My personal view is that the person did not die - their physical body did. The body was not the person. They still live everyday in the bonds they made with people and the impact they had on others. When someone I love has died, I grieve, I hurt, I wonder why if they were taken to soon or by tragedy. But I also try to look at how they made a difference in my life and how I made a difference in theirs. I can pass on their stories, their words of wisdom and their courage.

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  RHP User

  9 years ago

  Softens with time but never really leaves us. Sorry to learn of your loss Natty . Your post brings back the loss of my mother 4 years ago. I always feel guilty I never got to spend more time with her . But with life's responsibilities it didn't happen and feel i should have found more time. Hardly a day passes without thinking of her and feeling some sort of pain. I agree with Freya , I'm not a believer in reincarnation but I do believe some sort of presence remains even though I have no idea what that is. Maybe it's their memory that lives on in our mind.

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  TallBaldSexy

  9 years ago

  It's late and I'm stuffed so I'll be brief: Sorry for your loss I can hear the pain and bewilderment. Maybe ask how would he have handled the same situation which undoubtedly would have occurred to him in his lifetime. You may be able to use his strength now in a positive celebration of the man you loved so dearly.

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  RHP User

  9 years ago

  Sorry to hear of your and your family's lost. He sounds like a wonderful, important influence on you all. I don't think there is one way to grieve and experience loss of someone so dear. I have found thinga like being with people who care, talking, writing, and doing things that respect their legacy all helpful. Someone close to me died in February. I was given something from her, from another family member and it helps having something from her close. We also did things that she did in her life. Like tie colour ribbons around the church, as she was such a lover of colour. I also make sure I see and appreciate flowers everyday, as she had the most beautiful garden. I let her legacy live through me with little acts I know were important to her. An ex had a family tradition of getting together every yearfor a meal on their deaths anniversary to remember them. Hugs to you Natty.

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  RHP User

  9 years ago

  All loss, in time , is put into perspective, but that does come, with the passing of time. As patronising as it sounds, time is a great healer in as much that at first the pain is almost unbearable and one wonders if there ever will be an ending to that pain that is initial impact/shock of loss. We then, with the passing of each day and night, grieve, reflect, self examine, remember, cry, celebrate, mourn and eventually accept. Your emotions will chose you, you will not chose the emotions. There is no time line nor rationale to this process , as each individual will endure ( and endure is the word) these emotions work at their own pace and there is certainly no right or wrong way to grieve. It just is and it is not usually fast tracked nor usually avoidable. It lays within us and tends to rise to the surface at totally inappropriate times, usually triggered by a memory, a word, a song etc, Your initial feelings of vulnerability and confusion are perfectly normal in the first initial "stage" of grief. What was once, always there, reliable and steady, the woven fabric in our lives, has now been unraveled , repairable, but the place where it all unraveled has a noticeable kink, it will always be there. What was once normal and acceptable (the presence of this person) is no longer and as result, all things change. The norm is no more. When one passes, our normal acceptable life is questioned and for a fleeting moment, we also subconsciously or consciously acknowledge, that in time, we too will leave this earth. We become much more aware of our own mortality, something that normally does not sit well with us and when a death occurs, we question our own values and beliefs and at times, the life we are currently leading, especially if the death is sudden and unexpected. We wonder too, do we have one more day ? In this case, this person has lived till a glorious age, judging by what you have written, and his legacy will be strong. He has influenced and maintained a huge presence within your family circle of which you all have been blessed. To grieve is the price we pay to love and what a great legacy it is, that one leaves behind, people that are genuinely sorry for his passing but also glad to have had his presence in their lives. That is a the true mark of a person, that they are genuinely mourned. This is why funerals/or a informal gathering to say goodbye are important. To acknowledge ones life and their contribution to the lives of those they leave behind is healing, helping us to ease our grief but not obliterate it. A chance to reflect and share with others, similar touched, but also the chance to celebrate the passing of an influential being in our lives is in fact, an honour. Embrace your grief but do not let it define you And to honour this person, live the life that I'm sure he would be proud of. The greatest respect you can give anyone that has left your life, is to be the best version of yourself, that they would admire, if their opinion mattered to you, when they were present In regards to your question, of redefining those significant in your family. Well each person is significant but its fair to say that there are those that play a more predominant role. You will find, without prompting that this has a way of sorting itself out naturally. The order will be restored to a degree and you may not even notice. More importantly, in the next few days and weeks be kind to yourself and with others , which I'm sure you are anyway :-)

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  nattyocean

  9 years ago

  Thank you all so much for your contributions. I have read them all and have take a little from you all so thank you very much. As you might imagine dealing with death of close family members hasn't really been something Ive encountered much as I have been very blessed to still have my grandparents at over 90, and all my family so this is a new thing. Having a platform such as this to put this question, query, etc out there and have people offer up such personal parts of themselves selflessly is so appreciated - THANK YOU xx

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