F55
Decline of sex in relationships/mismatched desire
February 06 2018
Comments
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egr2please69
7 years ago
What you just described was certainly a part of why I'm now divorced. Once the kids came along and took over as most important to her I was discarded to the back as 'the guy who brought the money home'. Sexual intimacy all but stopped except for the sporadic interludes every few months or so no matter what I did or tried to help get her in the mood. So in my experience there is no cure and from what I've seen in human nature, once it gets to that state the man will naturally pull back feeling unloved and unappreciated. Thus it snowballs and perpetuates into a downward spiral from which there is no recovery unless the lady has a complete 180 in her sexual needs, which in 99% of the time never happens. Just my scenario and I wish others had more positive stories than my typical situation
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OkeyDoke45
7 years ago
As E2P69 said. In my early twenties I had a serious relationship with a woman who just saw sex as a bother. She had some body image issues but I thought she was very beautiful and sexy. She also had not gotten over an ex who apparently was the Fuck Of The Century, and as far as she was concerned I could never make her feel like he did (she would often say this). I was in what would technically be described as my ''sexual prime'' (I actually think I am at my prime now). I frequently tried my luck but was knocked back almost always. She would basically ''give the dog a bone'' every couple of months or so - but it really was a case of only making love perhaps a half-dozen times a year. I became quite sexually frustrated, this led me to try for it more often; she would reject me etc etc and so on and so forth. It got to the point of me contemplating going astray one night when a work colleague of mine that I was out with started throwing out vibes. If she had hit me up I don't know that I would have said no. It is a common complaint for men I know from other sites like this (on their forum pages) that their wives lose interest particularly around and after menopause. The tap is just turned off completely. It is a very sad situation. I have also known men to lose interest as they get to middle age, but it seems to be not nearly as common as the other way around.
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RHP User
7 years ago
I was the rejected spouse in my marriage.... bad communication on anything remotely intimate or emotional from the start though. He recognised our differing sex drives and I raised feeling alone, neglected etc a year before I left. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
7 years ago
Sex doesn't start in the bedroom, without intimacy and continuance of it or build up again to the physical, the move under the sheets after a day of total disconnection never had me in the mood. However I take some of the blame because I didn't know my body. By the time I got with the program, the interest from him had long gone, so two sides to every story. But I then had a sex drive like a crazy woman, physically my body pre-menopause went nuts. I was then demanding and needed it every day/night, all day/all night lol eventually felt like I was going to die if I didn't get the attention I needed, the resr is history. I'm now the complete opposite to how I was but there was no internet when I was young and I didn't know how to get my body to respond. Currently having problems with dryness because of the big M which has put me off having sex at all. Last time I did, it was painful. Some medical intervention needed, just hate going to doctors
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RHP User
7 years ago
Guys need to be men. Be understanding of different libido levels and the fact they can fluctuate (that means go down and up), don't get all pissy, be caring and compassionate but don't get walked over. Pull your weight in the relationship and expect her to do the same. Be something worth having sex with in the first place. If you have a problem work towards a solution, talk to her. If you are genuinely doing all this and not just whining to yourself about how hard done by you are, draw a line in the sand. Pick up other women, fuck them and send her the video. Don't act like her leaving you is the end of your world. You're a man, be the fucker not the fucked.
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madotara69
7 years ago
I think the obligation with a partner is to stick with maintaining the friendship, so many begin to lose track with each other, begin drifting apart and the further becomes more difficult to catch up, the easiest is slipping into the direction and dragged away until all is lost. Don't think it is a blame thing, just unfortunate the little things in the beginning had been forsaken, rather than maintained.Hope this makes some kind of sense, difficult expressing. Mado Mado Tara xx
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RHP User
7 years ago
To say that our relationship, as in compatibility is perfect would be a slight exaggeration! haha. We are different, we we're different when we met, we enjoy different things! We will continue as we get older to want to try different things. Lets face it one of us has a penis verses a camel's toe. We are close because we share everything! Communicating all of our thoughts to each other, which are nearly always different! It can be embarrassing early on in a relationship trying to open up to your partner & yes you don't always like what you hear. The thing is over time it pays off. We can read each other like a open book, find no subject of limits! We actually enjoy telling each other everything that has affected us differently during the day! We are each others best friend. Sexually we're not 100% compatible eather but because we enjoy each others company obviously playing with each other is fun!! A good sex life for us doesn't mean we have to have the same level of intensity, once again we're different. You don't always have to have sexual penetration to relieve your partner. Often we will know if the other is needing some extra attention because of how we interact with each other. There is so much more you can do when one or the other is in the mood & we turn it into a game! So when one is not in the mood it doesn't matter as we're always happy to play with the other! A happy ending for someone all because the other got enjoyment simply by knowing exactly what makes the other one tick! Funny, even though only one of us might have cum it's a happy ending for both because its pleasing to see each others handywork beening appreciated so warmly. Always brings us closer together! Ps.. hate to say it but the kids don't come first, heard it to many times. Invest in each other. A good relationship has a flow on affect & everyone kids included will benefit!!! 👍
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RHP User
7 years ago
Rejection hurts and constant rejection can completely erode self esteem and relationships. Like with Joie my experience is on the less talked about situation of husband Losing all interest in sex. After marrying young (me) it all stopped 5 years ago from him just as I was reaching my peak!! As a woman I can tell you it pretty much destroys your confidence as this situation seems quite rare especially when There are no physical/medical/testosterone issues !! So After taking matters into my own hands for quite some time I eventually discovered someone who got me to 'bloom again so to speak and see myself as sexual dynamic and sexually attractive. The insecurities still however run quite deep from those years of wondering why ....
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The_Antichrist
7 years ago
Us blokes could do with a bit more compassion toward our spouses. In my experience, I was like a horny dog, I’d hump her leg if could, then go after the postman too lol But after separation, after divorce, I realised that sex on tap had me expecting it without any real investment on my part... - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
7 years ago
Re menopausal women/low libido, I digress. Pre-menooause my libido shot through the roof, I couldn't explain what it was like physically if I tried, extreme arousal 24/7, my hormones went absolutely crazy, my body responded like it never had. I was awake on and off all night touching myself, still do lol currently 4.47am 😎 The physical problems I'm having now are are exactly that. Once I deal with that, I'll be back on the horse, and he'll need to be at full gallop 😉
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RHP User
7 years ago
the um user name 😁
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RHP User
7 years ago
The sex declined on my part because the passion had died within the first couple of years. I felt taken for granted and I felt like his mother, doing everything for him. When the kids came along, again it was down to me to sort out the night feeds and everything that came after when looking after kids. There was no spontaneity. I'd had 3 bunches if flowers in 10 years and that was only because i gave birth to 3 kids. A simple, I'll take the kids out for a couple of hours to give you some peace or I'll bath the baby, cook dinner, or even take you out for dinner every now and again would've helped. So basically when you give, give, give and it's not reciprocated you don't feel that you want to have sex with someone when you feel like a mother who does everything but wipe their arse. I've been single 3 years and love sex now. - Posted from rhpmobile
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swingalingson
7 years ago
Sex can become worthless to a man as time goes on. Because priorties change It can be put on the back burner. After a while a man or partner will not ask. That is when the sense of sex becomes worthless and people stop asking. Keep sex alive, sex does start out of the bedroom.
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Curious1965
7 years ago
I seperate, had a girlfreind, got back together for sake of son. All very difficult, We all change and what we want out of life can end up been very different from your partner. For me I enjoy adventurous experiences one of those is lying with a naked woman. I feel that relationships should be more open to outside experiences - Posted from rhpmobile
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The_Phoenix
7 years ago
The complete and utter rejection of any form of physical touch, you know, cuddling on the lounge, a hand gently caressing a thigh. The ones that really hurt was leaning in for a kiss only to turned away and told “ don’t kiss me”, time and time again. Sex was a chore, boring and one sided. I wrote cute notes and lists of things we could do as a couple, both bedroom and other to maintain our connection . Zero response or discussion. Random displays of affection, flowers, dinners etc all left me more and more alone. Essentially I just felt like an ATM shelling out cash on whim for holidays and frivolous crap. I did get a T shirt after the 3week New York/LA one whilst I stayed home with my 3yo daughter. Thanks for thinking of me.... Yep, it’s a personal story, I don’t regret anything. It’s just life. So, now I’m separated and living my life, since doing so I’ve had more intimacy, not just sex, than I had for 6-7years, maybe more. Right now my confidence is back and I’m the happiest I’ve been for some time, because I’m looking after the most important person, me. It’s great to be alive. BB - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
7 years ago
Nailed it. A Sexless, loveless relationship is a very lonely place to be. Throw kids, money, businesses into it and leaving the relationship becomes almost too hard. Both have an obligation to each other, sadly these days that is all forgotten - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
7 years ago
My wife was never very sexual, sex was only ever when I initiated it and only as good as I made it for myself. I eventually grew tired of that, and we talked about it. I didn't want to leave as I have a great life and love home , but needed sex. Lucky for me she agreed to me seeing other women if it meant we stayed together, so that's what I do! And it seems to work, I'm happier now than I had been for many years. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
7 years ago
There is a tantric exercise couples can do to rebalance/harmonise the chi or desire levels. The woman invites the man to insert his penis into her vagina. The man inserts but does nothing, doesn't thrust or move. Just lay there passively and feel the connection. For as long as it takes usually until the penis goes soft and falls out on its own. Then repeat the method every night for about 5 nights. Again making sure not to move or thrust. By the 6th or 7th night you will both feel like ripping each others clothes off and going for it. The chi has rebalanced itself. A week of respect, intimacy and connecting can do wonders. Repeat whenever you get out of sync. LC
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Sawadee
7 years ago
If we ate the same flavoured ice cream every day , we'd grow tired of it ? No different to couples , specially long term couples feeling the same way.. This ' I feel , is a major failing in a lot of relationships . Day dreaming and the need for something more exciting tends to become more common place . Meaning if our mind is somewhere else , it's cant be on each other.. Familiarity... doesn't nessassarily mean less love , more like less fireworks. ? No one to blame really , just the way us humans are wired.. and is why sites such as this are so attractive once the penny drops..
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Sawadee
7 years ago
This is why tantric is so high on my bucket list.. It's the spiritual side that appeals to me.. I've always loved the feel of being deep in my partner and both relaxing til I'm soft and she's in a light sleep. I know what you explained was before and no thrusting , just used this as my closest comparison..
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The_Phoenix
7 years ago
I tried this and a few other techniques as well to bring back the intimacy and connection, sadly I ended up more alone as I was dismissed each and every time. Is there nothing like sharing each other’s bodies, naked and warm? The contentment that touch can bring not only in the bedroom but elsewhere as well is just a luscious feeling all round. The chronicles of Love and sex Eh. Oh the mystery of man and woman. BB
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EarthQueen
7 years ago
I've been reading The Sex Diaries by Bettina Arndt and its an interesting read which prompted the topic. Couples keep diaries of their sex lives and trying to pinpoint what causes unbalance in their sexual relations. .Often it seems a mystery and studies have shown that sexual highs for women peak in the first two years of a relationship and then decline. Age wasn't a factor in this either. It happened at all ages. I get that resentment is one of the biggest killers of libido for women. But also many women I know would love nothing more than to get back that desire but can't. It makes them feel sad and guilty and sometimes I think they push men away because they feel inadequate. It seems a kind of cruel trick of nature when one wants it so much and the other so little without any real explanation. My ex partner he told me very early in our relationship that sex was very important to him. It was something I always kept in the back of my mind and throughout our 20+ year relationship I would say our sex life was very good most of the times with a few low points during stressful time especially after we had kids. Being angry with him was the biggest libido killer but other times if I wasn't always feeling it I sometimes subscribed to the "Just Do It" theory and mostly I would get into it once we started. The majority of our marriage for me was very good. I actually think it was the sex that kept us together for quite a while after our use by date as a couple had expired. We were monogamous and never talked about swinging. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if we had, but our fundamental differences were more about emotional incompatibility rather than sex. I like sex, but it still kind of blew my mind that he would want sex every single day even after all those years. (Are all men like this?) I'm pretty sure he would have wanted it twice if he could get it. He didn't push it on me but I knew he wanted it. The pressure of knowing that was a libido killer at times. 3 times a week was about average after we had kids. What was really weird was during the last part of the breaking up stage both our libidos were through the roof.. A last hurrah?? Who knows? Its a mysterious thing.
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The_Phoenix
7 years ago
I have No understanding of what or why the libido dropped off. The strongest reason I’ve seen for this, from only my perspective is a complete lack of self confidence and ability to love oneself. If you can’t love yourself how do you love another? No amount of delicately said words, affirmations or gestures were received positively. Sex everyday? I’d subscribe to that so long as we both want it. I’ll be round soon 😝 BB
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RHP User
7 years ago
Or exercise that i spoke about in my earlier post only works if both parties are committed to saving their relationship and willing to give it a go. The reason it works is the transferance of fire from the man's penis, which is hot, to the woman's vagina (water), which has gone cold. Warming her up. Reigniting her fire. You can't make love to a cold vagina. She will not receive you. Guys, the trick in life is to keep a woman simmering. The furnace lit. That comes down to love skills way before entering the bedroom. Intimacy building all day everyday. It's a constant. If guy's don't learn how to weave that into life then they are not a good lover in my book. Guys, do you want hot sex that blows your mind? Lay the foundations first. Do the work! Life can get in the way, having kids, stresses of all different kinds is why this problem happens. If you think you've reached the point of no return in your relationship then by all means seek counselling or some sort of psychological intervention. But I know that exercise works. You just have to catch it early and be consistent. x LC.
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EarthQueen
7 years ago
Thanks, for that. Very interesting . 🙂 🙏 - Posted from rhpmobile
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madotara69
7 years ago
Reminds me of a ritual we practice, Fire and Ice Tara gets a mouthful of hot water and inserts my penis into her mouth (tricky perhaps) and that builds the fire, then she takes her mouth off of my penis, does a little this and that, then returns and with a mouthful of icy water, she inserts my penis into her mouth and 'I got chillsThey're multiplyingAnd I'm losing controlCause the powerYour supplying I'ts electrifying. True Mado Mado Tara xx
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RHP User
7 years ago
I'm sure you don't need any help. LC.
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RHP User
7 years ago
I love you for your wisdom. You inspire me to have another go at reviving Wifey's sexuality...
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PurePeony
7 years ago
... only one LTR in the past which fulfilled me sexually. We were both horny devils and we kept each other very happy. 😄 The last two relationships left me high and dry. 😒😝 No sex for 1.5 years in one; awful sex to no sex again in the other. It was extremely hard for me to remain faithful, but I did. Those two r/ships were pivotal in making me realise that I cannot be in a sexless relationship. Maybe I've got the horniness of a man! 🤣😜 I think if women "expect" men to be monogamous, depriving them of sex for weeks to months to years is not going to help. Neither is it fair on the other partner. Surely, there's a better way of communicating anger/dissatisfaction/displeasure than to withhold sex? Good sex benefits both with the exchange of Yin-Yang energy and the release of endorphins. I think if I withhold sex, I'm punishing myself! 🤣😜 Sex is an outward show of love within the context of a relationship. I suppose it's a man's language of acceptance and love too? Again, in the context of a relationship, of course.
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RHP User
7 years ago
The biggest factor in most cases I believe is children. Children, time, energy and then mood. Definitely intimacy starts waaay before the bedroom. Too many married men whinge and wine and nag for sex. If your partner has worked, looked after children, cooked, cleaned etc then you come to her sooking like a toddler? Nope 👎 It’s just another chore 🙄 and another person demanding of her. But then, if you jump in, help, do your part, be a man, sweep her off her feet, make her feel loved, appreciated and cared for, she’s all yours 😈 over and over again!!! Libido can waver and change, ebbs and flows. Hormones, arguments, stress, money, kids, laziness etc all come into play. Sex should not equal love or intimacy. How can we fix it? Pretend you’re single, or dating again. Win her affection or keep him interested, sexting from work, cheeky pics through the day, surprises or love notes or a shoulder rub, the sex will come and so will you 😉 Ps deepest purple- gold!!! And an alternative, However necessary point of view (right up till the video bit ) but I still had a giggle 🤭 - Posted from rhpmobile
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egr2please69
7 years ago
And that exactly was the whole story. Internal and external pressures took such a toll i think she internalised her stresses and i payed the price until i couldn't take it anymore. Don't get me wrong, i'm not blaming her, i'm just as much at fault for not saying something when it was there to be said and i backed away from frustration. Most notably though was the lonliness, i felt like i was a tenant living in my own house who just happened to share a bed with someone. We were together for 20 years and the last 6 or 7 was so lonely, frankly i can't explain how i got through it. So now a few years down the track i choose to stay on my own, partly for the freedom to do whatever i please and partly because if i do commit again, i don't want to go through those feeling again, something i can live without now i'm back on my feet and have my confidence in who i am back. - Posted from rhpmobile
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egr2please69
7 years ago
Quoting Lionsdoll1 But then, if you jump in, help, do your part, be a man, sweep her off her feet, make her feel loved, appreciated and cared for, she’s all yours 😈 over and over again!!! I agree with what you and others have said here about the intimacy starts way before bed. Trouble was though in my situation, even though she said exactly those things about helping out, no matter how much effort i put in it made no difference. I could help out for weeks on end, doing all i could in the hope i might get a fistful of minutes she may throw my way, but still it would be months between interludes. Compliments, declarations of love, special treats etc all seemed to fall on deaf ears until eventually i said to her one day that i'm sick of the rejection so i won't ask anymore. After the separation and divorce it took me quite a while to be confident again in myself after years of constant rejection. The hypocracy on her behalf to get me doing things with false promises of potential fun later that night was soul destroying over years of the same. I hope no-one else, male or female has ever had to cope with what i did, it crushes you 😔 - Posted from rhpmobile
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The_Phoenix
7 years ago
Yep, same here, almost to a T my friend. Male or female it flat out sucks. I’m making a positive change to only look to my future. Whilst I will always wonder how or why I put up with so much I refuse to let my history shape who I am now and who I want to be. Fortune favours the brave my friend. - Posted from rhpmobile
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egr2please69
7 years ago
Thanks for the kind words of encouragement man. Damn pity you went through it too buddy. Onwards and upwards I say lol
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EarthQueen
7 years ago
We need a happy story to give us disillusioned singles hope. Who still can’t keep there hands off each other and are in love after 20 years? Speak 🤗 - Posted from rhpmobile
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egr2please69
7 years ago
Sorry for the negative nelly story but I only told it how it was. God how I wished I could have told you otherwise.
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RHP User
7 years ago
Quoting 'EarthQueen' We need a happy story to give us disillusioned singles hope. Who still can’t keep there hands off each other and are in love after 20 years? Speak 🤗 - Posted from rhpmobile EQ at the end of this month Wifey and I will be celebrating 30 years together. It won't be a hot and steamy second honey moon as the relationship has been platonic for some time now, we still love each other and are best friends.We have kids aged 19 & 21, neither of us are Australian born and we came from two different countries but that doesn't matter. The kids are our only immediate family in Australia.
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EarthQueen
7 years ago
That’s OK TBH it seems to be the norm most of the time. I honestly can’t think of a couple I know in their 40’s long term married who seem that happy and love to be together in all ways. Call me a cynic but that’s just my experience. Maybe that’s just how it is? - Posted from rhpmobile
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cat_n_the_hatter
7 years ago
For relationships to survive day to day trivialities most people need to believe that they have found the one who truly is special. In a sense the illusions about one's partner are our defense against the harsh realities of life. What Murray at all. discovered is that the optimistic illusions are good for relationships. Even those married for 50 years and over had them. We change through life and it shapes us in ways we never thought possible. Life soaked in pleasure is not life. It is an echo of life. I do not believe anyone is obliged to do or be anything they are not. Nevertheless, sexual act is a form of communication... but it cannot be forced. (Ms)
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