M48
Dirty jokes thread
December 29 2012
Comments
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playful4u
12 years ago
Like
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RHP User
12 years ago
lol One day the teacher asks the children in class to give examples of what is not good to put in one's mouth. Little Johnny says, 'it is not good to put a lit light bulb in one's mouth.' The teacher replies, 'That is correct, but why?' Little Johnny answers, ' I don't know, but my mum always tells my dad "Turn off the light before you put it in my mouth!"'
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RHP User
12 years ago
A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks, 'Do you have Viagra?' 'Yes, I do,' the pharmacist replies. 'Does it really work?' she asks. He chuckles and says, 'It certainly does.' 'Can you get it over the counter?' she asks. 'If i take two of them,' he answers. lol
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RHP User
12 years ago
Lawyer theme :) What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off you when you die. What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances? Retired. What do lawyers use for birth control? Their personalities...lol What can a goose do that a duck can't, and a lawyer should? Stick his bill up his arse...lol lol
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RHP User
12 years ago
lol 1. But everybody looks funny naked! 2. You woke me up for that? 3. Did i mention the video camera? 4. Do you smell something rotten? 5. Try breathing through your nose.....lmao 6. A little rug burn never hurt anyone! 7. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? lol 8. Person 1: This is your first time.....right? Person 2: Yeah......today lol 9. Can you please pass me the remote control? 10. Do you accept visa? ouch lol 11. On second thoughts, let's turn off the lights.....lol 12. Got any penicillin? lol 13. I want a baby lmao 14. When is this supposed to feel good lmao 15. You're good enough to do this for a living! pmsl 16. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance......nasty lol 17. You're almost as good as my ex......double nasty lol 18. What are you planning to make for breakfast! lol 19. You'll still vote for me won't you? lol 20. Have you seen fatal attraction? lol
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RHP User
12 years ago
two leprachauns standing on a beach arguing,''you did'',''I didn't'',''you did too!!''.Then who should be walking towards them but Father Fitzpatrick...''Father oh Father can you settle an argument please?''...''Well my son I will try'',said the good father.'''Father is there such a thing as a leprachaun nun?''...''A leprachaun nun my son...no there is no such thing as a leprachaun nun''...''See Shaun I told you...you did fuck a penguin!!!"'.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Jen's friend Amy was complaining of a sore throat one morning. "When I have a sore throat, I always give my husband a blow job, and as long as I swallow, it feels better the next day. You should try it" Jen said. The next day, they meet up and Amy is all smiles. "How did it go" Jen asks. "Wonderfully" Amy beams "your husband couldn't believe it was your idea"
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RHP User
12 years ago
A business man is on a flight from Sydney to New York on Business. As usual he's sitting in business class and expects to spend the entire flight on his own. Just as he looks out the window feeling sorry for himself this gorgeous blonde takes the aisle seat along side him. HI, I'm Jennifer, how are you, she says, I'm so excited this is my first trip to New York and the people I'm going to see have put me in First Class. Wow. Why are you off to New York, he says. Well, she says, I'm going to the nymphomaniac convention and I know so much about all the untruths and misguided myths about sex that they've asked me to be the main speaker, all expences paid. Wow, he says, that sounds exciting but what examples of your knowledge can you impart. Well, for example, it's a well known fact that everyone believes the French to be the most passionate and romantic lovers in the world but my research has proven it to be the Italians who are in fact the most passionate and romantic. And you know who they say that the kinkiest of all lovers per capita are the English. Because I'm such a nympho and I've studied this extensively...lol.....I know it's wrong and that in fact it's the Greeks who are by far the kinkiest. Go on he says. Well, the other myth is that the Negro and the Black African race are on average the most well endowed of all the male race. Wrong. The American Indian is by the far the most well endowed with an average penis larger than any other men on the planet. But listen to me prattling on and I dont even know your name yet. Well, he said, my name is Alphonso Pappadopolopolous but all my friends call me TONTO!
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RHP User
12 years ago
A lawyer in the State, yes only in America, was trying to discredite the main witness. A police officer. Lawyer..I understand that you where the arresting officer. Copper..Yes sir, that is correct Lawyer..And how do you know that my client is the correct offender. Copper..I was given and extremely good discription by one of my fellow officers, i chased down the offender as her ran from and alley way and arrested him. Lawyer..Do you trust your fellow officer Copper..Yes sir, with my life. Lawyer..Is it true that you have a locker in your change room in your place of employment to store your personal belongings and spare uniforms etc. Copper..Yes sir that is correct. Lawyer..And would it be correct to assume that you have a lock on that locker and you have the only key. Copper..Yes sir, that is absolutely correct. Lawyer..So an officer that you say you would trust with your life can not be trusted in your change room and around your locker. Copper..No sir that is not correct at all. You see we have a large amount of Lawyers using the area as access to the building. The entire courthouse erupted into fits of laughter and the court had to be ajorned for over an hour until the judge could recompose himself
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RHP User
12 years ago
By the ears.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'Enigmaoflove' A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks, 'Do you have Viagra?' 'Yes, I do,' the pharmacist replies. 'Does it really work?' she asks. He chuckles and says, 'It certainly does.' 'Can you get it over the counter?' she asks. 'If i take two of them,' he answers. lol Being in the pharmaceutical field, I laughed my ass off. ;)
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RHP User
12 years ago
Q: Why did God create yeast infections?A: So women would know once in a while what it's like to live with an irritating cunt too. Q. Why are ribbed condoms better for anal sex?A. Better traction in the mud. Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.Q. What's the height of conceit?A. Having an orgasm and calling out Your own name.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Love the first one :) A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'rhpmd' Quoting 'Enigmaoflove' A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks, 'Do you have Viagra?' 'Yes, I do,' the pharmacist replies. 'Does it really work?' she asks. He chuckles and says, 'It certainly does.' 'Can you get it over the counter?' she asks. 'If i take two of them,' he answers. lol Being in the pharmaceutical field, I laughed my ass off. ;) I love the short jokes with a classic double meaning lol.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Why do men snore when they lay on their backs??It's because their balls fall over their butt-holes, which causes a vapour Lock..
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madotara69
12 years ago
a man walks into the chemist,and asks the girl behind the counter for some condomsshe told him that they certainly do, however what size condom do you needhe shrugs his shoulders, not sure he repliedshe pointed to a partition with a series of different size holes, 1 to 10 being the largestjust put your penis in the hole it fits comfortably tohe soon found the third holeduring the time he was finding the right sized hole, she had raced behind the partition, grabbed the head of his cock with her teeth and told him to give her $20 or she would bite it offhe gave her the money and ran out of the store.later another man with the same question ,was given the same instructions, while he finally felt comfortable in the eighth hole, she did the same thinggive me $20 or i will bight it offhe replied, give me $50, or i will blow your fucking brains out.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Bitches love that shit. *ducks*
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smo669
12 years ago
What do Priests use for birth control? - Alter Boys How can you tell when a Catholic Priest is lying about sex with alter boys? - His lips are moving.
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smo669
12 years ago
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain.....do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!" His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck - he was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, he thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him It was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too."
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RHP User
12 years ago
The only way you can break a G string while fingering a minor and not showing up on the sex offender registry
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RHP User
12 years ago
and spend the rest of their lives trying to get back between them WHY? Because theres no place like home
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madotara69
12 years ago
what do you get when u cross a hippo with an octopus ?give up ?a lickalotapus
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