M43
Do you forgive but not forget?
December 20 2017
Comments
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EarthQueen
7 years ago
I can let small misdemeanours and arguments go and I don’t hold a grudge. In fact it’s diificult to get me feeling very resentful about someone. But if I get burned hard by someone and they lie to me about things that are important I wouldnt want to let them back in again. Why put your fingers back in the fire if they have been burned once? If trust is violated you don’t have anything left to build on. I’d always be wary and that’s not a great basis for any kind of close relationship so I probably wouldn’t bother. In a friends group I would probably tolerate their presence for the sake of hanging with other people I like. - Posted from rhpmobile
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Livingandloving2
7 years ago
But the trust takes time to rebuild. If I value someone as a friend I also appreciate that they are human and sometimes screw thongs up. I have never regretted giving a friend a second chance Mrs LAL - Posted from rhpmobile
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Sawadee
7 years ago
You cruise along as friends for years and they are almost another limb. All of a sudden along comes some girl and that all changes.. ? To me , this is apart of life . Your friends priorities changed and unfortunately ' everyone else's nose gets out of joint. I'd say that's fairly common. When a guy falls for a girl he sometimes does stupid things , things out of character , and that's probally what you seen. It's up to you if you want to forgive , obviously the loss of friendship affected you quite abit.. In my experience , you can forgive some ppl without much thought, while others is much harder. I've got a memory like a elephant and some ppl I'll never forgive.. So to answer your question .. I'm more of a forget you altogether type person if you insist on being a fool... Life's too short..
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RHP User
7 years ago
If this is the first time then I think your being a bit harsh, I get that he spurned you for a woman but thats what people do when they see the big bright future that could be. Your obviously thinking about it so it's probably eating you up more than him, take the high ground and let it go. But if he does it again, send him to Coventry.
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RHP User
7 years ago
You shouldn't feel pressured by friends and family. Up to them what they do, also up to you what you do, none of their business. I don't forgive or forget I'm afraid. If people are capable of treating you like shit, believe me I've experienced this first hand in recent years, they don't have a place in my life. Guys do this to their mates quite a lot from what I've heard, hook up with some chick who demands all of their attention and give mates the flick. It's not uncommon and usually the mates can see the writing on the wall, how badly it will end, but they don't see sense, then come crawling back and expect to re-enter your life. Your life, your choice. I've cut guys off for treating me with disrespect, long term friends suddenly turning into no shows, then beg and plead for another chance. Yeah nah, I move forward, I never look back 😀
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MnauMnau
7 years ago
...but choice is always yours. It's easy to judge people based on their actions. However, you don't know what they are going through in their head or their heart... Emotions could be hard to control for some. Or they don't have any. Year could be long or short to forget bad things that happened. For some people that's not long enough. Sometimes we can learn from others. But he might be trying to move on. If he comes to you and asks for help or advice would tell him off? I usually respect people no matter what. My piece of thinking. - Posted from rhpmobile
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The_Antichrist
7 years ago
Or is it simply you being true to your own standards?? If you’re merely holding other people to the standards you hold yourself to, is it really up to you to feel responsible for his happiness?? I had a mate once, that I didn’t have to pay, him and his missus split, his spiteful hypocrite side stood prouder than a newlyweds dick on his honeymoon.... And I can’t stand people that go out of their way to attempt destroy their exes just because they’re no longer wishing to be with them..... Needless to say he ain’t no mate of mine.... - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
7 years ago
I guess for me personally it really depend son each circumstance. But there have been time I've somewhat forgiven but remained on guard.
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RHP User
7 years ago
I can respect that you don’t want him back on your life. I’d probably still be okay with seeing the person in group social events but i would be personally friends with them if I felt strongly about it like you do. By the way, sounds this Guy was old enough to know better?
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RHP User
7 years ago
That is a wrap /
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RHP User
7 years ago
Interesting question I personally see no point in anger hatred etc I think they are wasted emotions consuming too much personal time and the drop it and leave it type. However given this is a group and friends who have accepted him back into the fold it may be in your best interests to suck it in a bit and just be civil if not buddies. I say this because in group situations and I have seen this when 2 ppl don’t get along and there is a sense of friction the group starts to decide who to invite person 1 or 2 - if you value those friendships then do the right thing by them and make everyone’s life a bit easier or you may find yourself not hanging or being invited with them as much as you would like because you will end up the one that is too difficult to deal with. Just food for thought 😊. - Posted from rhpmobile
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FeistyFatty
7 years ago
Have been through the exact same situation; brother in law dissed family for his (now ex wife) for 7 years..... he did a real dog act...... funnily enough marriage collapses and he comes back like he's not got any fault in the sitaution and everyone cowtails to him. That was a few years ago and it still burns my piss. Once a dog always a dog - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
7 years ago
Everybody makes mistakes ,. Just mind boggling sex shall be the talk of the town💄💄💄💄🍇🍌👄🍓🍇👙 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
7 years ago
On here I forgive and move on, but that's different to RL and a close friend at that
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bonefide
7 years ago
Off topic a bit, sayings like that go straight to the pool room. 👍👏 Yeah nah, I move forward, I never look back. bazzinga hit the nail on the head. That's a postive outlook on life in general.
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RHP User
7 years ago
To err is divine. Just being human says she that fucks up a lot. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
7 years ago
I certainly do forgive, but I never forget. My memories not that bad . I dont forgive everything, of course...but most "crimes" lose their importance to me, with time. And I'm glad that I feel that way about some things that once hurt or offended me...and I only know that from "feel", if it doesn't hurt anymore, then it's history...because dwelling on past hurts or affronts seems counterproductive if I'm not going to do something about it.Carrying anger is one thing...and not without it's place, I think...but resentment and bitterness are a waste of mental energy, in my opinion. I'm glad that I think I've largely outgrown them. Just because I "forgive" someone, it doesn't mean I have anything to do with them ever again. It's more about me forgiving myself the pain or discomfort that I take on for someone else's actions.
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madotara69
7 years ago
In the past most friends when becoming involved in a relationship cut out fairly quickly because they fall in love and it's a powerful emotion, it's also a shared emotion which can create a bond in a world apart from anything normal, two enter into a world of happiness, lust, companionship, friendship, lovemaking, dreams of a future together, kids, even the white picket fence. Ride off into the sunset. Generally when friends find a partner and fall for each other, best wishes and to be expected those friends will be off with the fairies making love with each other, birds and the bees, but mates are still mates and things pan out over time, some make it, some break it, yet all manage to care for each other with another powerful emotion 'empathy' communal spirit, to belong. The way you describe this story OP, sounds like the green monster has arisen, driven by insecurities, anti social behavioural traits, even chance narcissistic characteristics evolve, Jealousy low on the scale can be disturbing yet manageable, on the high end of the scale people will destroy anyone perceived to be a threat, best mate first off, everyone after another after another, there is no emotion of empathy so you can be hurt, but he is worse off than you, maybe keep an eye on him a while, he may not be well. I may be wrong. Mado Mado Tara xx Sounds like anyhow
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RHP User
7 years ago
Generally I don't forgive or forget. I just move on and don't waste my time on that person again. Life is way too short to allow people to treat you like crap. - Posted from rhpmobile
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mango69er
7 years ago
Get over it. He your mate. Life to short and to hard at times. Go have fun with him once again while you can - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
7 years ago
We forgive people because we still want them in our lives I think it's that simple and therefore all of us know whether the person who has offended us is still relevant to use
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RHP User
7 years ago
That would be us, not use Or maybe that was a Freudian slip
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MsSuperFoxy
7 years ago
If you have no intention of being his friend, that is your choice. You don't have too to anything you do not want to do. You certainly do not have to explain yourself to anyone your reasons why, either. As for those telling you "to let it go", they are just being insensitive and it's a kind way of saying "they don't want to hear about it anymore". Reality is, people can't just drop things or switch off like a light switch, if there's emotional attachment involved. All you can do is Take care of yourself and put your energy into you, not that other person. There's really nothing you can do regarding that person or change the way they behave - it's their problem, not yours. Ms Foxy
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RHP User
7 years ago
Being very trusting and loyal to people who have burned me has caused me more grief than I care to think about. So now in my mid 40's I have no time for people for treat me like crap and expect me to just sit there and take it. I have no time for it anymore and look out if you do. I have a very close family and selected friends I have been friends with for over 25 years. That is all I need. People very rarely change patterns of behaviour and in essence they are who they are. Insanity-doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result
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Supernova
7 years ago
I think if it wasn't you directly who was affected, it's certainly ok to forgive the person in question. Some people like holding grudges because they can't accept certain facts, but if nothing really happened to you, perhaps forgiveness or acceptance will show the quality person that YOU are :) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
7 years ago
Other people make their choices, it might help to remind your friend who says you are being too harsh of that. I used to forgive friends very easily for not treating me with the respect and consideration I deserved. Then I realised I was dismissing my own feelings and they never had to be accountable for their behaviour because I was being the "all loving, all forgiving" friend. Now, I don't hesitate to ditch someone out of my life if I feel their behaviour or energy is having a negative impact on me. You stick to your guns and don't let others try to undermine your sense of what is ok and not ok.
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OkeyDoke45
7 years ago
It really does depend on quite a few things for me. How long have you been friends? How close were you? Did your friend have other ''micro'' incidents of treating you badly? Define ''burned so hard'' which you describe? Has he been repentant since he returned? Has he apologized? I say that as I am going through similar with one of my lifelong friends at the moment. He has spurned virtually everyone and everything for a woman. I am one of his best friends, have put up with him through thick and thin and he has been treating me a little like rubbish in recent years. I am presently not speaking to him, not because of anger but just because it is frustrating to speak to such a deluded person. I know, or at least I'm fairly sure, that this relationship will not last. When it goes buster, will I take him back? You fuckin' bet.
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RHP User
7 years ago
wise person (sibling) once told me, after hearing my concerns about a difficult friendship, to decide for myself if I still wanted to retain that person as a friend, was it worth it if they made me feel consistently bad, that a choice can be made. Just because you've been friends with someone, doesn't give them a leave pass to treat you like shit. Friendship is based on trust and respect, when those things leave, so now do friends, simple as that. I'm also at an age now where I'm more confident in myself. I don't follow the lead of other people like I used to, like a little puppy running along behind wagging my tail lol I now blaze my own path and believe is definitely too short to have negative 'weighty' people in my life, meaning weighing me down with their problems. It's not about holding a grudge and I don't believe it is for the op either, more the expectation that that behavior will continue to repeat and who needs that? Not this chicken 😁
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RHP User
7 years ago
life is too short I meant
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RHP User
7 years ago
the wise person never told me to ditch the friend, simply implanted the idea that I had equal control
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MsSuperFoxy
7 years ago
This! "It sounds like you've made up your mind Other people make their choices, it might help to remind your friend who says you are being too harsh of that." EXACTLY! As per OP he has said he doesn't care. However, I believe the OP has made his mind up, and is also made to feel guilty (by mutual friend) over his choice. Personally his "friend" needs to step up and back off. Ms Foxy
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RHP User
7 years ago
I do forgive the forgivable but obviously not the unforgivable. Forgiveness like trust needs to be earned and can evaporate quickly.
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Dirtyandfriendly
7 years ago
I just moved on. I'm not upset or anything like that, I've just got on with my life. When I've gotten older I've found it much easier to just move on and forget the negative aspects of life. I will admit you learn a lot about people and who you choose to be friends with.
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RHP User
7 years ago
Quoting 'pipsqueak' We forgive people because we still want them in our lives I think it's that simple and therefore all of us know whether the person who has offended us is still relevant to use I think there's some truth in that...that we forgive people because we still want them in our lives. But, I forgive people when I don't hold any resentment or anger towards them...it's for myself, a way of recognising it.
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sweetgem
7 years ago
But wont forget, for sure, for any situations that are severely broken! In fact, I have an immediate relative, who is all about herself, caused some really awful hurts to me for the one time that I could not drop her to the airport on the day she flew back home, because I had to go to work on that day! That relative decided to come to visit my mother and I at a very short notice (literally three days before she arrived); did not check with me about the dates/days & times before she booked her airfares; and did not inform me what day/date/time she was flying home! She only told me when she was flying back after she arrived in Sydney, and it clashed with the day that I got a casual job, which I could not pull out of! Therefore, I arranged for the shuttle bus transfer for her, paid for the shuttle bus too, but it was apparently not good enough to her and so when she got home, she wrote me an angry message stating how low and unappreciative I was as a person! 😱😱was exactly my reaction to her message at the time! I just don’t understand (even to date) what was the big deal about not getting drop off to the airport by me, while she’s not old, can speak English (as she’s from NZ), decided to come here at last minute, and especially after I have told her that I had to work on that day?! Anyways, I did try to communicate with that relative of my in the end by explaining why I could not withdraw from the casual job (primarily because of integrity) and she accepted my explanation, and so we made up again. However, I cannot think of her, nor respect her, in the same way ever again and have been keeping a distance since, even though she has tried to come close like before and make it like nothing had happened! Too late I say! 😏🙄 So OP, to answer your question, yes, I can forgive (if it’s a relative), but I can’t and won’t forget if it was a severe breakdown with relatives. But I won’t forgive nor forget if it was a serious situation with a friend, because I can choose my friends, but I can’t choose my relatives! 😁 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
7 years ago
Respect and loyalty are two way streets, your relative is presumptuous and disrespectful. You did more than could reasonably be expected, your forgiveness is a measure of your character. As the song says don't get fooled again. A lack of communication on their part does not create an urgency on your part.
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