M49
Does your upbringing and circumstance define you?
November 05 2013
Comments
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RHP User
11 years ago
I'm sorry to hear of your trauma - glad you have come out of it OK.Check out this other Forum it may be of some interest to you.http://redhotpie.com.au/Adult-Forums/Masochistic-equilibrium-42696FOXY
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Mr_MrsAraps
11 years ago
Obrien, Thanks for putting it out there as a first time poster and welcome to the forums I cant begin to imagine how hard it was for you and the struggles you had early in life. In saying that though my 2 cents would be that even if dealt a such a shitty hand in life I honesty believe everyone is control of their own destiny, even if it is with some help from family, friends or professionals along the way. I can say its has been easier for me and certainly puts into perspective some first world problems I think I have sometimes.I would think that my words and actions today would define me and not my distant past. Yes it is a part of me but doesn't define me as I control my own destiny.
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RHP User
11 years ago
To the extent that you let it. There is nothing from your past that cannot be overcome or let go if you want it to be so.- Posted from rhpmobile
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Mischeviouslad
11 years ago
Influence? Yes..... Define? No. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
From the moment of conception until we are around age 7 we are in state in which we are developing our sense of who we are from external cues (our parents, family, friends, neighbours, teachers etc and especially our experiences). So when trauma occurs (and it occurs in most people's lives it's just the extent or depth of the trauma), we naturally build coping mechanisms for that including our survival instinct and thoughts about ourselves. So it does heavily influence who we are... it doesn't mean we are stuck with any unhealthy thinking or responses though, there's many tools and ways of shifting unhelpful baggage. If you're interested I can divulge more...But also, like you said, even in trauma we can be given gifts - resilience, self reliance, drive, and even amazing problem solving skills. You know when you've really healed from trauma when you can see and accept those gifts and be able to not wish your life happened in any other way than it did.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Of course it influences who you are... You can let that be a negative or a positive. If you let your life be a mess you're letting the abuser win. Living a happy and positive life is the best revenge. Living with resentment is like imbibing poison and expecting someone else to die. Let it go, deal with your issues then move on.
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RHP User
11 years ago
the most powerful thing you can do for you,is to forgive.A childhood of abuse is truly awful but it sounds like you have transcended that pain...you are who you are in spite of it. x R
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RHP User
11 years ago
Sorry to hear about your childhood, mine was really shocking too. I think you have a choice. You either become a victim or you learn resilience. It depends on your attitude. If you accept responsibility for your decisions as an adult then you're more likely to have chosen resilience. If you blame everyone else for your life then you may be choosing the path of a victim. The best thing you can do is speak to a professional that can identify your issues and assist you to work through them. In summary, I don't believe any event in your life at any age can define you unless you allow it too.- Posted from rhpmobile
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wejuanda
11 years ago
My wife and i were just down thr park with out children. there was a young mother there with a 6 year old and a 1 year old. she had a very slight frame that depicted substance abuse. she went on to tell us that she was living at the local women's refuge having been the victim of domestic abuse. she had the scars to prove it. What made me think of it was that her 6 year old had speech patterns barely better than my 2 year old. I'm not sure it was a single event that led to all of this but rather years of neglect and suffering. i don't think a singlr event is enough to stop development but repeated def is- Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
Wont go into detail, but it stays with you for a lifetime as a reminder of what not to do or be.Made me stronger and determined history did not repeat its self through me. As a teenager I became successful in a professional sport and later business, and life is now good.Its up to everyone to control their own destiny, live a good clean life and treat every friend as the only one you have..Jay
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RHP User
11 years ago
I do a lot of studies in this specific area and it makes me just a little angry to see comments such as "if you let it" Yes it can make you stronger, it can also break you. If you have suffered repeated abuse as a child then naturally you are not going to trust easily. Naturally you will shy away from intimacy. Studies have shown that grief and trauma start effecting us IN UTERO. I dont think an unborn baby makes a decision not to allow the trauma the mother is feeling to affect him or her. I have seen first hand the effects on babies, teenagers and on fully grown adults.- Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
Each and every one of us deals with grief and trauma differently. Just because one person rises above circumstances, does not mean all will.- Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
Sry to hear of your childhood abuse, we know where your coming from. I do believe what happens to you in childhood does somewhat define you or makes you the person you are. As an adult though it's your choice to turn those Bad times to make you a stronger person, a good person as you sound you are. Many abused go on to abuse and blame their abuse as an excuse, which is a crock of shit, breaking the cycle of my childhood has been my motto. Mr Funky (.)(.)- Posted from rhpmobile
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happycouple888
11 years ago
It obviously has an impact but just in what way depends upon a whole range of stuff (e.g. how abusive it was, what else was happening at the time, whether there were other good role models in your life etc).Sorry to hear that this has happened to you.
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RHP User
11 years ago
I dont think that a life experieince should define us or be an excuse for the person we are ...or are not. There are many experieinces and lessons out there..maybe some of us use them as an excuse rather than a learning experience. Many have come from underpriveleged, abusive etc backgrounds and ended up at the top of their chosen field. Always a big believer that if you let it define you you will more than likely fall...if you treat it as a learning experieince it will help you grow. Just a very basic assesment.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Those events shape only a small but very important part of who you are. It's that part that makes you empathetic towards others. It makes you kind to those who are less fortunate than you. It makes you sensitive to others who have seen trauma. The rest of you belongs to you to do whatever you want the way you want. (oh shit ... did that make sense?)Moral to the story ... don't worry, be happy ...
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madotara69
11 years ago
Quoting 'paint_me' Those events shape only a small but very important part of who you are. It's that part that makes you empathetic towards others. It makes you kind to those who are less fortunate than you. It makes you sensitive to others who have seen trauma. The rest of you belongs to you to do whatever you want the way you want. (oh shit ... did that make sense?)Moral to the story ... don't worry, be happy ... Mado
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Openly_Curious
11 years ago
Obrien, it sounds like as awful and traumatic as your experience was, you can see ways that it eventually strengthened you, and that you've been able to find the silver lining in the most difficult of situations. So much of who we are is affected by circumstances beyond our control - genetics, in utero stressors, interactions with primary care givers, trauma, socio-economic environment, etc. There are some conditions, like extreme neglect in infancy or early childhood, that will cause a child's brain to form dramatically differently from the brain of a child who did not experience neglect. A child who experiences extreme neglect for their first two years will be vastly more negatively impacted than a child who doesn't experience extreme neglect until they are school aged or older. With regards to sexual abuse, research indicates that if a child is believed when they tell someone about the abuse, their likelihood of recovering well (i.e., incorporating it into their experience without entirely defining their worldview or their interactions with others) is vastly improved over those who are not believed. On the plus side, the brain is far more elastic than it was once thought to be, and thanks to research there is now greater evidence-based therapies for a variety of issues people might face. However, a person's capacity for growth is affected by their starting point, and the resources available to them both in a professional and personal sense. It is not simply a matter of choosing not to let something affect oneself or to simply think a certain way. Each person's situation is unique, and it is unreasonable to expect someone to have a specific response or rate of recovery. That's how the same experience (e.g. sexual abuse) can destroy one person's life, but lead to increased resilience in another.
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RHP User
11 years ago
in your childhood and the rest of your life influences you.I say my past defines me in a way. Everything what happened in my life, very hurt and joy you experience, breaks you or you learn from it. Not everybody can do this, I know, however we have help out there we only need to look for it.I was punished a lot from my father because thats what parents did. I was tooo outspoken, tooo loud to much a questioner...so to keep me in line as it was thought I got belted, a lot. Did it help keep me quite, yes for a little while until my mind took over and needed to find answers. I had to run away later in my 30ths, I think back and look at it this way, I run away with my husband to Australia...lol otherwise my marriage would have been killed of by my very strong parents. Yes i lost him too at the end, and this gives you a sense of why me always me, the good thing I am a fast learner and out of the negative came a positive. I was loved but also very, very hard hit. Now say, we talking about sex, I cant even handle when someone slaps my bottom in the sexual play....and I know its only in the way of sensuality and sex. I get angry when someone does it.To answer, did this influence me, I think yes big time.
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RHP User
11 years ago
As has been said before, and put so succinctly by DG... Influence - Yes, Define - No.The lovely lady JayJay has shown on a few posts that you can use the experience as fuel to drive you to be a better person and move on with life. This is what makes you strong, well done.Whilst Freya has wisely said "the most powerful thing you can do for you,is to forgive" it is also the hardest thing to do.I hope you have had a chance to forgive the person(s) who wronged you as a child. The person who did the most unspeakable thing someone could do me as a child is no longer on this green earth so I will never have the chance to confront him and forgive him... this I regret.So as for define... I would like to think I have learnt from my significantly unpleasant childhood and whilst it has influenced me it hasn't defined me. And I think I've turned out pretty good :)And finally, kudos Obrien it takes courage and strength to share... good first post SG
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RHP User
11 years ago
I won't go into everything that has happened during my life. All that I will say is that I feel like they are all different chapter's of a book and have shaped me to be the person I am today. Before the major traumatic life event I had a couple of years ago happened, I used to fret about me, who I am, how people think of me etc etc blah blah blah...worry wart and not good for ones soul. This massive event has made me change some what, I think for the now, I worry far less and just get on with things as best I can. This has been and continues to be a work in progress. Life isn't perfect and noone is. We can all make a change and I think with good Psychological help this can be achieved.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Handmaiden, what would you rather we told the op? that he should just forget about having a normal life and that the abuse he survived as a child will forever taint him and his life? That he will never rise above it so why bother trying? I'm sorry but I am a happy, thriving, productive example of overcoming a very unfortunate childhood and I'll try to continue to provide hope and encouragement to others to do the same.
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RHP User
11 years ago
I agree with HM. I also don't like the comments like if you will let it. It puts pressure on people when they have difficulty accepting their past or almost puts the blame back on them. Clearly that isn't the intention, but sometimes that's how it feels to me. I absolutely think that what happens to you as a child, good and bad, has a direct impact on the adult you become. It changes the way you may relate to people, trust people etc etc. You can't deny that it effects you? I know that people say you should forgive... Well I understand forgive yourself but how can you forgive the unforgivable. Yes you have to let go of the anger, but do you have to really forgive them? That is something I struggle with... Intellectually I get it, but if something like that had happened to me would I forgive them? Not sure.
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madotara69
11 years ago
If someone tells you they are hurting for being treated as being left out or punished for something they have not done, you should listen and face the fears together. It is not easy and may become a storm, though there is sure to be calm waters once the truth becomes released.To forgive is a spiritual event, and forgiving what has happened is more important than who happened. Our spirits are much wiser than us as just a person, our spirits need to run free. Otherwise we are just poisoning them from bonding.If you are hurting someone, then yes you need to forgive yourself. And let it go.Mado
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RHP User
11 years ago
No I don't expect you all to tell the op yo forget about it at all. Be realistic though. How can you stop trauma and grief from shaping you? None of us can. We can only build the blocks for a better existence with help and determination. If we let it? We have no choice. Bad things happen in life and each and every second of our past plays a part in who and what we become today. Not everyone will rise above their trauma. Most require help to do so.- Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
that there is no simple answer, and no answer that can speak for everyone. Obviously the hope is that people can rise above traumatic childhood events - and yes many do - but the fact is that some will always struggle. There are so many factors - individual, family, social, cultural, economic, etc etc - that all combine to influence how a child will develop and the adult they become, and to what extent they can overcome earlier trauma. That's why coming at the issue from a 'if you let it' perspective is not taking into account the (very) big picture.Also, in general terms, we as a society have a somewhat skewed view of this issue. We are always hearing in the media about all these famous and successful people who have overcome shitty childhoods, and we think that everyone should be able to do the same. If for whatever reason/s they can't, we say they are just using their issues as excuses (there was a classic comment along those lines earlier in this thread), and we label them as bludgers, losers, etc. There are some similarities in this to our general view of other people who for whatever reason have not been / are not 'successful' in life (using our narrow definition of success); we have become so beholden to the idea we are fed by media / tv / movies that anybody should be able to rise above their problem/s and achieve anything they want to if they just try hard enough, that we have little or no tolerance for those who seem stuck. We say well they're just not trying hard enough, they should be doing this or that, they're too lazy etc. Sure in some cases that would be true, but it's also true that the idea that anyone can make the necessary changes as long as they want to, is a load of crap. Basically, to those who have overcome their early traumas, that is wonderful and using your own stories as inspiration for others is indeed a positive thing. Often it can make a big difference to those currently struggling. But we should always remember that we are biased by our own experiences and perceptions, and that everybody is different. In a complex topic such as this there are no simple answers.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Although what I went through, without going into details, was disgusting and wrong I believe it made me a very strong person, partner and parent. God help anyone who does similar to my family! In saying that I will never forgive the people involved 1 of whom is dead and I'm sorry I didn't use the opportunity as an adult to beat shit out of him when he was a frail old defenceless man, that almost would seem to be karma. I did consider this but realise I would be the image of him, everything I have built my life to differ from. I am by no means the poor victim, rather a person who has achieved a lot in my life regardless. I guess this related back to the original question what decides who you are? As bad as things were, I have strived to be better and believe that by doing this it rights what has been done and breaks the so called chain of behaviour. ;-)- Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
There is not much possibility in past based issues..Who wants to turn up as a bad story and if so, what's the pay-off for being that way?.Where is the Past? Where it belongs - in the past..Where do you belong? In the present. Where else is there?.What's Happened is what Happened. What's Happening is what is Happening. Happenstance..How you're going to be about it is entirely another matter.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Agree 100%.
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RHP User
11 years ago
As a friend of mine said, I can't wait for him to die so I can go piss on his grave. A sentiment I can totally understand.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Some of the people closest to me in my life have suffered horrible childhood abuses, yet they are some of the best people on the planet without bias. There is a rural retreat up here in the Hunter Valley called Mayumarri for people to wrap their heads around their past and get a better understanding of overcoming the entanglements of it. It's run by survivors of child abuse, and as many may have experienced, it is hard for people who have not had such histories to comprehend it. That is not an issue up there. It is a surprisingly hopeful place where the carers live in community with each other, and the rural surrounds are idyllic for escaping from the world to get in touch with your inner child. No story is too intense for review up there, ranging from the effects of neglect to the truly evil. They have a motto: If you can feel, you can heal.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Its very easy for people to say, its in the past like that really means anything at all.Dependant on what or what(s) have happened, it can be a life long struggle. Yes we are all here NOW, but that doesn't mean shit, if you've been abused, raped, bad relationships, drug or alcohol issues or had a major trauma. Or best of all, all of these things.No, sorry. For some people getting over things is hard. Noone puts on a magic hat one morning and its ok, because today is today. It takes work and acceptance and realisation that not everyone in your world is an arse. It takes the brave to try and get better. This is what it is all about. Getting better. There is no magic cure and time does not just make things go.
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