Doing the work

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  nightingale8

  5 years ago

  I've always enjoyed listening to talks by Esther Perel. She doesn't talk specifically about open relationships or polyamory usually but invites people to take responsibility for their desire and sexuality. "Sex isn't something you do, it's a place you go" being one of her nuggets. I get the impression on the far side of polyamory it can even be a little cult-ish, where desires for exclusivity and jealousy are not allowed, freedom in all senses is upheld. For a happy relationship the truth is usually somewhere in between....balancing freedom and security; knowing you can explore connections with others while speaking up to get your needs met and knowing that everyone has different limits and that's OK. It's been a source of conflict in my own relationship when my partner feels upset when I have more connections or deeper ones than him. But now he's found his confidence and he's had a lot more experience he's willing to revisit that. So he says while the balance rests in his favour ha ha (judge him all you like but acknowledge this is my version of events!) In practice, patience and understanding that each is at a different stage and awarenss of what your needs are and willingness to meet the needs of your partner are so important in doing open relationships well.

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  RHP User

  5 years ago

  I have developed feelings with my other partner and it is mutual. I used to say that if I had feelings for the other person or they had strong feelings for me that I would need to break away from seeing that person. It took quite some time for me to realise and come to terms with how I was feeling and accept how the other person was feeling towards me. He had told me he was in love with me well before I realised that I was actually in love with him as well. I didn’t realise that what I like to have is that connection with someone rather than having different people without that emotional connection. It isn’t an easy thing to manage how each of your partners are as they are different and I know I am always mindful of how they both are and how different they are. Everyone has insecurities whether we think we do or don’t but like anything if you have a way of talking things through and having that open conversation and communication then you can work through whatever it is that’s making you question anything. Like any relationship you need to work together to make it work for both/all of you. My husband and I have recently told our kids (older kids) about us and that surprisingly went better than we expected. My husband and I always discussed about if we were out with anyone and we saw people that knew us then we can ring each other and talk with whomever it is to nip that rumour in the butt. What research have I done, I have and regularly attend a group whereby they have different topics to discuss about polyamory. There are different Facebook groups where you can talk to others and ask questions as well and meet people that are like minded. I have read books that people suggest. You learn things every day and you learn new things about your partners all the time. If you really want to look into things they are out there and available to you.

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