F59

DuckMcD’s Dish It Out tour....

April 05 2007

Ok, I acknowledge we all need somewhere to have a giggle, and yes I am being slightly hypocritical in doing the, but there you have it. So find your funny stuff and stick it here... Maybe something to suck on as the prize for the week’s funniest... LOLLIPOP people... *muttering to self about people who’s minds are in the gutter constantly, as if there wasn’t enough litter there already...* How to Give a Cat a Pill 1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in the right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth, allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away. 4. Take new pill from foil wrap and cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore lows growls emitted from cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler in mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously. 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail; get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for glueing later. 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply bandaid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with water cold water and soap. 10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. 13. Tie the cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down. 14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while Doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order a new table. 15. Arrange for R.S.P.C.A. to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. Viking xxx

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RHP User

18 years ago

Viking, that describes giving a cat a pill exactly to the letter. Dosing my little kitten is not my favorite time of the year. Hahhahaha Love and Cat Drool D.

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RHP User

18 years ago

hate to say this as in nice guy and genuine but i dun like u

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RHP User

18 years ago

A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid askes what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your breasts." he says. "You dirty git, " shouts the barmaid, "get out before I fetch my husband" The man apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your panties down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off" he says. "You dirty filthy pervert. You’re banned. Get out!" she storms. Again the man apologises and swears never, ever to do it again. "One more chance" says the barmaid, "Now, what do you want?" "I want to turn you upside down, full your pussy with Guinness, then drink every last drop" The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband who is sitting quietly watching the telly. "What’s up love?" he asks. "Theres a man in the bar who wants to put his head between my breasts and lick the sweat off!" she says. "I’ll kill him! Where is he?" storms the husband. "Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off!" she screams. "Right! He’s dead!" says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat. "Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and then drink it all!" she cries. The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on. "Aren’t you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically. "Look love, I’m not messing with anyone who can drink 12 pints of Guinness...." Viking xxx

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RHP User

18 years ago

Anonymously,I think, from the Rockhampton Morning Bulletin, comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car into Rockhampton K-Mart only to have their car break down in the car park. The Husband told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into place. On regaining to her feet she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband standing idly by. The repairman had to have three stitches inserted in his head.

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DuckMcD’s Dish It Out tour....

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