F55
Expectations of FWBs
May 25 2015
Comments
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RHP User
10 years ago
Is pretty much my answer to all of the scenarios that you posed. If the FWB in question is bisexual, there's no expectation for him to disclose it. Awesome if he does because it's a big turn on for me, but if he chooses not to that's his choice. Do I want to or expect to know about their other lovers? No, the assumption is that there are other lovers. Who he sees when he isn't with me is of no interest to me. Do I want to know if my FWB participates in sex parties/gangbangs? Nope, for the same reason as above. If he has kink that he doesn't want to share with me or participate in with me, why would I want to know about if I'm never going to do it with him?? So to answer your question, none of those things are important to me when the relationship is 'casual'. What's far more important is having safe sex with the FWB in question i.e. using a condom. Is that what you were getting at? If not, apologies for missing the point.
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RHP User
10 years ago
So yes to most ..without question ...I have a Fwb who is bi , we are very open about all parts of our lives. If I was to enter into a new fwb relationship I would expect the same. This is my life , my health. As for their kinks and fetishes , if they are indulging elsewhere then yes it should be out on the table , however if not then it's up to them. But I would think a good Fwb relationship these kinks would be out in the open.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Some people might see it like a job interview..Ask lot of questions yadda.yadda,but like any friendship you learn more about each other over time..I don't need to know any more than what the other person wants to tell me and in fact I don't want to know about other lovers nor do I want to discuss my other lovers with them xxFreya
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RHP User
10 years ago
In most cases no, but if the other person involved has been open about their entire sex life - then you might be expected to disclose aspects of your sex life they may care about. This doesn't mean you should disclose that information - it is all circumstantial. There is a huge space between Friends and a Relationship that FWBs resides.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I see the point of having a fwb is more than sex, otherwise they are closer to being a fuck-buddy. As friends, if they are actually friends, they are people you can talk to about issues more important than the weather and when you are going to see them next. I have been lucky enough to know a couple of lovely bbw, and we have talked openly about everything under the sun, it helps with a connection and makes sex better. If you are keeping this lifestyle a secret, then they are the very few people to be open and honest with and get advice from, for the same reason as being on the forums. As far as sex goes, we will both have other interests, and knowing what those are means that we have the option of being able to "help each other out" regarding other fantasies :) A typical private meet for me has been 90% talk, 10% play. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
On your level of communication and if your comfortable enough to want to share. I have a FWB and besides the sex we never seem to stop talking. Any topic is open for discussion and to me thats just an added bonus. I suppose that may just come from that we are both seeking something different long term. So were not afraid to discuss meeting other people and ideas on sexual experiences or interest.
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RHP User
10 years ago
.... only when it has direct impacts me ...... ie safe sex ..... psychotic other partners .... (a bunny boiler can take the gloss off a whole day !) ......... honesty when required ... not necessarily full disclosure of the minutae
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RHP User
10 years ago
With yiu ms_silk my Fwb is more a friend with the bonus of benefit instead of the benefit with a friend attached. I personally get more out of and so does he , more laughs , more fun and more sexual experiences , I'm more likely to open up this way. We can also help , guide and nurture each other even if the experience is with someone else ,
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RHP User
10 years ago
Had both, men who kept their encounters etc. private, and those who shared freely. With one FWB I became really good friends, and we shared most things (though never sensitive details, especially because there were forumites involved we both knew). I think it added to our feeling of closeness. Would I expect it? No way, and I don't think it's anyone's responsibility to disclose unless it could potentially affect the other person's health. For example, I'd appreciate knowing when my lover last got tested. One FWB told me that me that a couple he'd been with had informed him they had tested positive for chlamydia. He decided to not be with me until given the all clear even though they'd played safely. He didn't have to tell me, but I was grateful he did.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I guess this stems from my previous post topic! I am very new to all of this and I am a sharing person by nature so trying to hold back on certain things for me sometimes proves difficult but I'm learning. Never do I think about who or where he is when he isn't with me, I guess it just got me thinking that I have been so intimate with him and we have a fantastic connection that it seems weird not knowing more about them. I know most of us have been married before so do you understand where I am coming from?? Maybe I don't even understand what I am trying to say or want to know. It's just very sad for me when you meet someone and have an instant chemistry with them but know it will never be anything more than that, I try to not think about it and just enjoy the moment which is awesome. Still confused - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
first and foremost.. I would not care if they have other lovers - we are friends with benefits, not BF-GF so why should I care? I do anticipate him to be mindful of the consequences and always use protection if we were to play cos that is the safe and smart thing to do. As such I would not care if he goes to a sex party or gang bang but I would love to hear about them and I hope he would invite me along from time to time I would anticipate him to tell me if he were bi-sexual but again if we are first and foremost friends then it would not matter.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Not at all, everyone is different. For example I know some couples would not be happy if their single male FWB turned out to be bi... Even if he always plays the straight man around them. I also remember once saying that I don't think that a person who has fully transitioned, as in had the full sex change, that they are under any obligation to tell casual hook ups and friends. I know some people totally disagreed with me on that point and said they would definitely want to know.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I also learning about some people's kinks after having known them for awhile can totally change your perception of them, and not always in a good way.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Expect nothing and you won't be disappointed . . . . who said that? I expect respect, safe sex and honesty in terms of things like not being able to keep a date, they want to see less or more of me, I'm acting clingy. I might be curious about whether they are seeing someone else. I'm not going to ask because its really none of my business.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I despise the term Friend With Benefits as it implies a level of exploitation and degrades the value of friendship. I prefer the term Fuck Buddy. I have friends that are also fuck buddies, and I have fuck buddies that are acquaintances rather than friends. I expect my sexual partners to be open about their sexuality, sexual health, and degree of risk. These are my expectations that do not necessarily coincide with the reality, but age has helped me spot bullshit. I do not trust condoms (that does not mean I dont use them) and simply will not have sex with high risk individuals. If the bullshit factor reaches "Stinky" then they are no longer a Fuck Buddy, though they may remain friends. As for kinks that is pretty much worked out early on. Being open, upfront and honest has the additional advantage of making others express desires that they may normal not share. Sex is as much about communication as it is the physical acts, the two blur into one. Those that lack communication skills do not really float my leaky boat.
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RHP User
10 years ago
in our grown up, open minded world of free love, is that they would tell me if they got an STI/D.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Not ask? Some of you have mentioned that you wouldn't ask about other lovers..... hmm with someone I only saw as a friend... I would definitely want to know all about the other lovers and hear all the filthy details. Not names as such but I love hearing naughty details and stories. Sometimes you would even meet up with their other lovers too. Maybe if you all go to a swingers club or something.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'unicorn99' in our grown up, open minded world of free love, is that they would tell me if they got an STI/D. I have had that pleasure. And they all made fun of me, calling me a dirty girl. Although wouldn't you know it. I was the only one who was "affected". Bollocks to my immune system! LOL
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RHP User
10 years ago
So let me get this right. With some women that have answered you don't want to know about their sexuality, you don't want to know about what they get up too, you don't want to know if they attend sex parties, the only thing that is important is the time you spend with them and then what? You don't think about them at all inbetween? You don't enjoy sharing confidences? Sounds bit cold to me to be honest. I suppose to me I am more invested in the friendship side of things so enjoy sharing these things with them. I suppose I don't feel that people are obligate to tell you about the things I have mentioned in my questions, but I would be disappointed if I knew them for a long time and they didn't confide in me. Hmm maybe it's the length of time you have know each other which is probably a factor.
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RHP User
10 years ago
The swinging community is a small one here in WA, and I am a lover of gossip, love hearing a name (I mean handle). Oh and those special moments where you both realize you are talking about the same person but just with different handles. Never use real names, that would be wrong ;) It is amazing how much you learn while between the sheets, and how far and wide the vine does grow...
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RHP User
10 years ago
To answer your question, and to clarify why I said that knowing that information isn't important to me, it's because knowing those things are not deal breakers for me, and therefore won't change whether I continue to see the person or not depending on their answers. Nor do I have an expectation that FWB in question should tell me, or even has a responsibility to tell me those things. I guess I misinterpreted your OP, and I can see how you may have viewed my response as cold. I definitely enjoy sharing confidences with my FWB's and I think about them often when I'm not with them, and to me that's one of the differences between an FWB & a fuck buddy. But that doesn't mean I need to know every minute detail about their lives, nor do they need to know every detail of mine. Especially if, as you specified in your OP, we haven't known each other for a really long time. So I would agree with you that the length of time you've known a person certainly is a factor, as it is with any other friendship IMO.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Can I be top of yor list if you're looking for a new FWB, or LFWB (local FWB)? Ready like a coiled spring...haha :D
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'Meeka100' Quoting 'unicorn99' in our grown up, open minded world of free love, is that they would tell me if they got an STI/D. I have had that pleasure. And they all made fun of me, calling me a dirty girl. Although wouldn't you know it. I was the only one who was "affected". Bollocks to my immune system! LOL Im honestly unsure as to whether you are being derogatory or not, but I was being open and honest with my post(for all of you negative nancies that live on high horses, last STI/D test 2 month ago clear, as all have been.) I would never hold anyone else accountable for my health, sexual or otherwise, just as I will never concern myself for the health of others as that is simply un realistic. I have only my life to live and be accountable for, it's my choice to live it as I choose and the free will of others to join me on my quest to make every day amazing! I'm happy....how are you?
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RHP User
10 years ago
Unicorn so why would you think that then? I have had the lovely pleasure of having to let a number of friends Know that they need to be tested more than once actually. I had been to swingers clubs and parties with some of them so had indulged in group carry ons and I was the unfortunate one who picked something up and although I had been with my friends a lot after that date people's immune systems have a lot to do with it as well. If you are run down, etc you may not be able to fight of an infection where as the person next to you can. I am more prone to infections due to my medical history... which is a bit of a bummer. So they made fun of me... in a nice way...... because I was very sheepish about it and thought it a bit amusing. My doctor even ran me up to say "Your results are back and you have been a very naughty girl and need to come and see me". Doh! LOL. I don't go into the whole I should feel ashamed because I have had an STI. As long as you are responsible and get tested regularly... and more often if you have been pretty active. To me it is no different really to getting a cold from people.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I thought it was hilarious actually. A right of passage in a way. Not sure why so many people are so horrified by the whole thing or think it all should be a secret.
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RHP User
10 years ago
In case you were all wondering. I always use a condom even with my regular friends. I am convinced I actually caught something from a bloke who was probably touching his willy that touched me...... uninvited too! So I got an STI without even having sex with anyone at the party. HOW GOOD AM I!
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RHP User
10 years ago
Doesn't mean I wouldn't listen if they wanted to share stories of their experiences. I am very conscious of people's right to disclose and NOT to disclose. I don't think it makes someone cold because they have a deep respect for privacy or because their level of sharing is less than someone else's. You asked about expectations. People have differing expectations. There is no need for judgement on those differences.
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RHP User
10 years ago
If you wear knickers you might catch shit?Quoting 'Meeka100' Unicorn so why would you think that then? I have had the lovely pleasure of having to let a number of friends Know that they need to be tested more than once actually. I had been to swingers clubs and parties with some of them so had indulged in group carry ons and I was the unfortunate one who picked something up and although I had been with my friends a lot after that date people's immune systems have a lot to do with it as well. If you are run down, etc you may not be able to fight of an infection where as the person next to you can. I am more prone to infections due to my medical history... which is a bit of a bummer. So they made fun of me... in a nice way...... because I was very sheepish about it and thought it a bit amusing. My doctor even ran me up to say "Your results are back and you have been a very naughty girl and need to come and see me". Doh! LOL. I don't go into the whole I should feel ashamed because I have had an STI. As long as you are responsible and get tested regularly... and more often if you have been pretty active. To me it is no different really to getting a cold from people.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Lovely.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I am not allowed to have an opinion then? Seriously people are so incredibly sensitive on here. I am allowed to think that type of relationship is standoffish and a bit cold for me and probably not something I would pursue for long.
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RHP User
10 years ago
That party, I was there. :-P
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'Meeka100' I am not allowed to have an opinion then? Seriously people are so incredibly sensitive on here. I am allowed to think that type of relationship is standoffish and a bit cold for me and probably not something I would pursue for long. Meeka you might view it as an opinion. To me it sounded like a judgement. And why I reacted was you asked people what their expectations of an FWB were and then passed judgement on those different expectations based on yourself and your own expectations. Where's the different courses for different horses approach that is so often touted as the RHP way. Maybe you are being a bit sensitive.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Please re-read my comment please and clarify please. I asked a question I thought, not sure how that is passing judgement. Asking "sounds a bit cold, no?" Is a question. And yes, I did say it wouldn't be for me, I did think that was allowed??? I feel that when I ask a question/ start a thread I am allowed to questions of people's answers ans have a bit of a conversation. I do realize that seem people appear to just like people answerin a question with no dialogue. But really it is my question so I should be able to ask questions I reckon. Feel free not to answer anymore of my threads though if you don't like how I do them. Cheers.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I really hate this thread but I can never find the way to send an email to the mods on my phone to ask them to delete it. Always drives me nuts looking for it!!! Where is it again?
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RHP User
10 years ago
Curious as to why you hate this thread? You asked questions, and you got a variety of different answers... some differing with your views, some agreeing. But surely that's the point of putting up a topic? Would be pretty dull if we all had the same responses or opinions, no?
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RHP User
10 years ago
Don't have a problem with people's view points. Sometimes things happen behind the scenes as well that sour things.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Ok, fair enough :)
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precious142
10 years ago
Us cold biatches have to stick together..... I have a RHP motto: ask no questions, get told no lies!!!!I have no desire to question people desires, motives etc.......but if they want to tell me or discuss with me, go for it!!!!! As long as its all safe sex...who really cares who does what or who has been where???? A shag is a shag is a shag...........I personally don't see why everyone need to get so churned up about so many issues in other's lives......... Maybe you get that being older, wise and smarter........... HAPPY DAYS peoples!!! xxxx
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RHP User
10 years ago
Because I suppose I just don't want to hear...I like my bubble,does that make me cold?..nope but I put my hand up to being a little neurotic xxFreya
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RHP User
10 years ago
People that are just shags.... Well yes. I sometimes forget to even ask them their names let alone anything else. :p
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RHP User
10 years ago
Fair enough. I am different because I do enjoy the details. It's part of the fun for me, the flirtation and naughtiness. :)
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RHP User
10 years ago
I think that if you meet someone for casual sex or FWB you know they have meet other people or couple I guess if you meet them more then once those questions will arise and we all curious about you have done and try , in life you learn every day and it could be a turn on to talk about passed experiences , can only make it more exciting when you meet this person to try different ways with your FWB friend So yes share it and enjoy more and better sex
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precious142
10 years ago
Quoting 'Meeka100' People that are just shags.... Well yes. I sometimes forget to even ask them their names let alone anything else. :p Their age I already know.........."Sugar" always works a treat......Cos as us DOW's age, we don't have to worry about names!!!!!!
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RHP User
10 years ago
A very interesting topic......I found the view of Astrid much the same as mine.......to add my tuppence, I think initially, a FWB is about self gratification, so its a about what is important to me, now and in the moment.......however long that moment will be. They are not the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, but someone I want to take on a journey. I personally look for someone who is willing to share their experiences, the good the bad and the ugly, I think listening to others sexual adventures is interesting and exciting, I believe FWB's to have a connection on a different level, much more than just a "Fuck Buddy' (although they have their place).....all of our past makes us the person we are today!!...
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'Meeka100' Hmm maybe it's the length of time you have know each other which is probably a factor. I like people who are open and love to discuss all topics. So these are the type of people I have as friends and the longer you know them the more they share. Some of my friends joke that my super power is getting people to spill their guts to me lol. I don't do it directly like asking specific questions or even deliberately it is just apparently people feel comfortable with me and open up. This happens in all aspects of my life. Since i am drawn to these types of people or they are drawn to me they make up my friends so by default it is unlikely i would ever have a FWB who didnt share things. Although guys tend to tell me far more about themselves then I tell them......this is part of my super power lol But I would never expect to know everything about someone........nor would i want to. But a totally closed person i would never be attracted to want "benefits" from nor would I find them interest enough to want them as "friends"
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abcplus1
10 years ago
It's nice to know some things, especially for being at ease with health concerns. But sometimes too much is just.........well, too much. We were on a first date with a woman who proceeded to tell us about the sex she had with a male she had just met (also on a first date) in the afternoon before our meet, we never sought a 2nd date. Learning the intimate things a person likes rather than how they came to like them is more important.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I'd want to know that they were playing safely,as that could directly affect myself. But as for the ins and outs,none of my bees wax. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
A FWB should be just that - a Friend with benefits - so there should be a level of trust & honesty. Each relationship will be a bit different in terms of the amount of disclosure & that's fine. But underlying that, honesty is key, especially if an element of health/risk might be involved X - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
mmm tricky, if a 'friend' with sexual benifets is out there taking risks with their health then spending time with you and therefore exposing you to those risks then you need to ask yourself if the term 'friend' is accurate. Even if they are actually using condoms, in every instance how would you feel about them regularly going down on others who may well have STDs then spending time with you? - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
...often go hand in hand with a very fine line between them, or is it a vague blurry line between them.I have a FWB, a divorcee, as far as I know she's not seeing anybody else. I have told her that if someone she wants to have a close relationship with comes along then she has my blessing, gratitude and best wishes.I know she's been a swinger before he marriage went west, her life is her business. I hope she'd tell anything she felt I needed to know.I don't feel I need to know what she does when we're not together. Apart from a duty of care about sexual health we don't owe each other much more than a bit of courtesy and respect.On the first day we met she told me she doesn't do anal, I don't think she other kinks. I think she just a good keen girl, her business if she wants to fly at a different altitude...I hope it lasts for awhile because we're both enjoying the time we have together. We both have lives and families in our priorities so there are logistical issues getting together.
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