Facing adversity

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  custardapples

  11 years ago

  Thanks Cheeky for the topic.   From my point of view I would want to stick by the side of the one I love regardless of adversity. The love doesn't stop! It is at that point that they need you the most. Not saying there wouldn't be challenges (as there most certainly would). The one being cared for might feel differently about the relationship given the dynamics will have changed (of course it not just what the carer is thinking and feeling). Communication (if possible) would remain key. I would never leave my partner whom I love dearly - the whole idea of it is repugnant to me. So it's hang in when the chips are down for me. Thanks for the considered topic Cheeky. xxxx

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  RHP User

  11 years ago

  In my job I've seen all of the above. I firmly believe that I could deal with any physical issues and that I would stay if my partner was terminally ill. However when it comes to mental health problems I am much less sure. When I was a teenager, my perfectionist, high-strung, workaholic dad who lived on coffee and cigarettes, suffered a major burnout. He started to suffer from narcolepsy and went from being very critical to being downright abusive and threatening. My mum stuck with him, with everyone (including me) thinking she was nuts. She defended her decision by saying she knew who he used to be, and that she firmly believed he could be that person again. After several dark years my father got better and proved her right. They are very happy now, and my dad and I get on well these days. I seriously doubt whether I could have stayed though.

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  RHP User

  11 years ago

  But I have a friend that use to sleep around on her husband. He had a major car accident that took him around five years of rehabilitation to get close to his original self. She immediately stopped seeing other people and put all her energy into him. I think it was her way of repenting.

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  RHP User

  11 years ago

  Awwwwwwww thinking of the movie "The Notebook".FOXY

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  Cheekyarses

  11 years ago

  I tell mr cheeky that I will end up like the girl from the notebook... Lol

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  RHP User

  11 years ago

  Why would you watch a movie about a small laptop??

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  Cheekyarses

  11 years ago

  Fun lover you goose!

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  RHP User

  11 years ago

  Naturally I would like to think I would be 100% dedicated to the life we had been thrown into as a Couple.However, I honestly can't say how I would be until I was in the situation. All my relationships (immediate family/loved ones) are founded on open communication, and I would like to think we have at some point played the "what if " game and knew each others wishes or what we would want to happen under each of those circumstances.I do think if the relationship became abusive and I had exhausted all avenues to seek the appropriate support services, then heartbreaking as it would be, I would have to leave.

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  RHP User

  11 years ago

  I think when put in that position (critical accident/terminal illness) you walk each step hour by hour. Day by day. I don't know anyone that has walked out on a loved one in that position, but I wouldn't judge anyone who has. But through my experience, it 'happened' to me too. We are suffering together. My longest haul was 10 months sitting in IC 12 hours a day. Everyone's life stops. And then physio starts. If you're lucky.   Agree with Ms Direct though, mental illness is a whole different kettle of fish. I've sat by that bedside more than I've ever felt comfortable doing. And not for a lover either. That is an immense challenge on everyone involved and draining on every level. Dealing with (someone else's) cancer is a walk in the park compared to constant suicidal tendencies and I can easily understand people needing to find their own sanity again. I know if I wasn't there a straight jacket was required. Unfortunately one wasn't available so there I stayed. The love I have for that mate 15 years on living an awesome happy life is immeasurable. We got a bit pissy a few weeks ago and talked about it for the first time in years, the raw feelings that flooded back were so strong. But fuck me it was such hard work at the time. I couldn't work much, nearly lost my job, had to get mates to 'babysit' so I could work or shop, I had to pay our rent, mate, it was tough, but I'd do it all over again. So glad I got a happy ending.   So back to the original question of would you stay or go - I'm a stayer. Every time. If I love you, I'm there.

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  Cheekyarses

  11 years ago

  Misskay - you are inspirational! Thankyou for sharing xx

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  sweetgem

  11 years ago

  I have not been put in the exact situation that OP described so far (touch wood), but I had married a man who had one of the most horrible addictions before! I didn't end my marriage straightaway after his dark secret leaked, because I believe everyone deserves a second chance, so I stayed and tried to help him quit his addiction, but my efforts were wasted and he sent me to hell in the end!!! So OP, I would stay for a partner who suffered illness that was not mental related (and a horrible addiction is somewhat a mental illness to me)! Once was too many times to have encountered in one's life!!!- Posted from rhpmobile

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  RHP User

  11 years ago

  I will say first that I am in a better place now & learnt many valuable experiences but the dark days were dark indeed....thankfully I had the strength to leave. when I was 24yrs old I met the most wonderful caring man, & for 6yrs we were blissfully happy, we had an amazing life which included living overseas. People alwas told me how lucky I was, he alway did everything for me, stuff other guys just don't, he was a dad to my 3 yr old son & they were very close. Life seemed perfect, but then he started to change, at first there were only minor cracks & he would always apolgise & he would return to normal. Eventually the darkness took over, he no longer was happy just to abuse & control me, he started on the kids, that was my deal breaker, I had stayed 6 long years,(12yrs total) we tried lots of therapies, his mum tried, everyone did, nothing worked. one day I had a light bulb moment, i had 2 choices: stay & endure until I snapped & ended up on the news for stabbing my husband, I'm serious I couldn't take much more. I was a shell of a person, or leave. So I left & rebuilt my life. Would I do it all over again, yes, why, because i truly meant my wedding vows & loved him with all my heart. why did I leave in the end, because he wouldn't/couldnt admit he had a problem & seek help. You can only help those who want help.- Posted from rhpmobile

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  RHP User

  11 years ago

  Yes I would walk away.For my own personal reasons I would.If it means putting myself first and being happy, I'll do it.I've done it before and I'd do it again.Foxy

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  RHP User

  11 years ago

  I haven't had a partner for a gazillion years,but I would do anything for my daughter.However my instructions to her, if ever I need care is to put me in a nursing home,yes I know exactly what they are like,but I have seen too many children of elderly parents waste years of their lives.I would not wish that on anyone. My mother died a few years ago,she did not want to go to a nursing home,she just wanted to die at home,there was a big family argument about it and I lost.....but she didn't,she didn't go to the nursing home,nor did she go home. There is an interesting TED talk about preparing for your death,only 7 minutes but a real eye opener about taking charge of your dying and dying with dignity......thanks for the topic Cheekys,you keep the forums going x R

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