F55
Falling in love with your FWB - good or bad?
October 29 2014
Comments
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RHP User
10 years ago
I fell in love with her. She tried but she could not reach the level of attraction to commit to something beyond fwb. At least she was honest about it. We continued until she found her one. Some tears and regrets but we were mature about the outcome. She is still a friend and I am having dinner with them on Friday. I am grateful for the time we had together. I would have liked longer but nothing lasts forever and we both needed to move on. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
It absolutely wouldn't work for me and I'd end things, no matter who was in love with who. (I'd actually hope the decision to move on would be mutual.) Unrequited feelings are not constructive to a friendship in my personal experience, as one person will always be left feeling unfulfilled.
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RHP User
10 years ago
to even find someone that I am in like with...sigh..xxFreya
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RHP User
10 years ago
I don't understand why it has to lead to one party being unfulfilled. Doesn't it depend on what that person wants? Not everyone wants totally committed, picket fence senario. of course, I am assuming that the other person cares and values the relationship too even though they don't feel that you are " the one". I mean is that what it means? When you are in love it means the other person in the one and the only?
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Lovinit28andKC72
10 years ago
On what you are looking for, would you be happy to continue the relationship knowing that they didn't love you like you loved them, that it was never going to go anywhere? Would you be happy with nothing more than FWB arrangement or are you looking for a committed relationship as such? It wouldn't work for me either, I would feel I was holding on to something that was never going to go anywhere. If you are holding onto love for someone else, would you ever be able to find that one that could love you back the way you deserve? Would you always compare the one you love to others, never giving anyone else a chance in the first place because if the feelings you have for your FWB? Geez all I've done is created more questions, it's a hard one Meeka.....💋
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RHP User
10 years ago
it can work out ok especially if there is feelings there - Posted from rhpmobile
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Lovinit28andKC72
10 years ago
If you're both happy with how it's going then I can't see a problem.... Love means different things to different people, some want exclusivity, some don't, some want marriage, others don't, again it comes down to what you both want......
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RHP User
10 years ago
There is nothing inherently wrong where one has stronger feelings than the other as long as you both can see this and accept it for what it is. We were honest with each other and agreed to enjoy the moment. The sex was great and we created great memories from the experience. She is still my friend although it is a little weird that there are some special memories between us that we can never talk about in front of her fiancé. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'Meeka100' I don't understand why it has to lead to one party being unfulfilled. Doesn't it depend on what that person wants? Not everyone wants totally committed, picket fence senario. of course, I am assuming that the other person cares and values the relationship too even though they don't feel that you are " the one". I mean is that what it means? When you are in love it means the other person in the one and the only? Some can love another and its not returned, but the friendship and sex is good. However love is like a mirror, when you look into it, you see how they feel about you reflected in their eyes. That is what love is, a mirror that both people can see the same thing, how they feel about each other and if its healthy its right in the middle that they meet. You are worth loving. That is what counts, someone will love you with a passionate heat that will take your breath away. Love is not a one way street, that one way street has all kinds of different names. Or as the play goes, a steeet car named Desire. Do not give your love away to someone that parks you in the good friend zone or the mighty fine bottie zone. Unless that is all you feel, again equal in your desires. The lost cause of unrequited love, will leave you washed up on the shores of the what iffs and the lost chance of being with a person that makes your heart sing. I know you, and I know you deserve to feel what love is like. It will unlock parts of you that you never knew existed.
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On_Safari
10 years ago
Apart from the myriad of qurstions Lovinit asked which no doubt I've asked myself having "no unrealistic expectations" from your Lover/FWB and plenty of open communication is the key to success. This isn't always possible and yes I have compared others including Him to previous special men in my life. There's no easy answer much less way to explain the whole gammut of emotions, desires and hopes that arise when one falls in love to a different degree with your FWB. It's a different scenario for each relationship. I guess only time will tell and the level to which you, as the less felt for partner; are prepared to swallow your pride, bury your dignity or invest emotionally in the exchange. (Sigh) sometimes one or both of you need to reasses where you're at and if the relationship is fulfilling all of your emotional, physical and self-worth needs. Sometimes the longer it goes on the more you feel "taken for granted" as with any other more traditional relationship I guess. I wiped a passing phase because he was too hard to make a regular booty call and am feeling the same about another because I feel more like a booty call now than ever. Thing is, I am on my own; have been for a long time....so what am I holding onto? (Soft ironic smile) an image? An ideal? The feint hope that I DO matter? I love the phrase "maybe he's just not that into you" so at the end of the day do you persist or do you move forward into what may eventually bring a more healthful, satisfying and fulfilling situation into your life and part as amicably as possible from someone who helped you through some lonely nights and filled a space inside your soul. We've all at some time in our lives been a fool for love....often more than once. I guess if you're feeling like you're on the way out, hug your FWB/Lover close to you one last time then put it in it's box. Tie it with a pretty ribbon and opportunity in again. ~ Just my 2 bobs worth. Indy On Safari xx
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On_Safari
10 years ago
I so know what you are saying!!! I think it works better when both are married. The boundaries and rules are generally mutual and well respected. That's important. So is not asking for what the other cannot give. KISS principal = more mutually satisfying all round.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I don't think there is any straight forward answer to this topic... It depends on the strength of personality of the people involved. IF one loves the other and not vice versa then they both need to be aware of this (communication) and ensure that boundaries are set. If either of the people in the FWB relationship can't deal with the feelings experienced by one of the two people then they should end the benefits and hope that the friendship sustains. As long as the person in love doesn't expect reciprocation of that love then the FWB relationship should endure... however the person in love will have to have a strong character as the emotion of love is far stronger than the emotion of lust (IMHO). Would it work for me? I would like to think I am strong enough that if I fell in love with my FWB then I could deal with that and maintain the FWB relationship. If I (or she) felt that I couldn't then the Benefits drop off and I would remain a close friend as friendship means more than sex to me (ducks for cover). Thankfully I haven't been tested on this scenario to date. SG
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Single_Guy4U
10 years ago
I believe that if you are the type of person that when "In Love" wants a monogamous relationship, get married and live happily ever after (like a lot of people do) then No it will not work. If you are the type of person that does not desire that and can Love a person and not mind them being with other people, then yes it can work. Hard question and depends on the person(s) and probably depends on their definition or feelings of "Love". For me, if I was "In Love" with someone, I would want to be with them as much as possible, therefore would not want them seeing other people and if that is what they would want I would have to break up and probably feel hurt.
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RHP User
10 years ago
This is a tricky subject. Definitely clear, honest and open communication are needed to ensure no one gets hurt, and that is the case whether someone falls in love or not. Any decent FWB relationship needs this. But in the specific case of one person being in love and one not, it takes bravery to speak up and declare the full extent of true feelings, both on the part of the lover and the lovee (yep I know it's not a real word lol). Being honest isn't just telling the truth, it's telling the whole truth. Of course this may happen over time, and indeed change over time, but nonetheless it should always be the intention. I think it can work - for a time anyway - as long as that trust and openness is there. And it is not necessarily easier being the lovee (there it is again) either; it can cause feelings of guilt and confusion. Whatever the case, if the harm outweighs the good, it's time to switch to just friends or even to part ways entirely. And that decision is best made jointly, if possible.
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RHP User
10 years ago
they would be my world. I would die for the people I love. I think ultimately the more emotionally invested you are in someone, the more you want to evolve with them. The circumstances may vary as to whether you were living together, married or not, have kids, an open relationship etc, but none of that matters if there is love. You can have all or none of that and still want to flourish and grow with them and that means different things to different people so if one does not love, then that growth cannot happen (well it can but it would be forced, not natural). You can grow sexually with a FWB and have a bond for sure but if there is no mutual love, I can't imagine it would be emotionally satisfying in the long run. It may be nice, it may be convenient and it may be sexually pleasing but I would still feel something missing. I would not share myself wholly with a person who did not love me or if I did not love them.
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RHP User
10 years ago
My husband loves me so much he has given me permission to have a lover. However I love him so much that I never give any indication that I actually do have lovers. I am very careful not to throw it in his face. I love my husband so much if he said, stop meeting anyone then I would stop and go without sex for the rest of my life. That is the shape of my love, and its not a conventional shape at all. That being said, I could not love or be with a person that did not love me back. Not in a long term relationship. but in bed I do not care at all its just lust for me. with a little dash of friendship and respect thrown in
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MsSuperFoxy
10 years ago
In my opinion, FWB do have an expiry date. Love to me means, being free, freedom and room for growth. Sometimes love is ending something (as in freedom) for the other to grow - freedom for growth. Sometimes it's the kindest thing to do for other and to ones self. It may hurt (at that time) but in the long run - acceptance will eventually come around, happiness. Foxy
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6exxy
10 years ago
I echo your words. The become the standard of many things in your life. However falling in love with the fwb? Slippery slope that someone is bound to get hurt. Like meander says it's probably best to move on 😔
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RHP User
10 years ago
Falling in love is not the same as loving someone..Yes it may lead to love....the deeper emotion but it is the precursor to love .... I actually loathe that out of control of my emotions state of being..the chemical cocktail over taking of my sanity...and then the jolt..omg...what was I thinking....falling in love is a choice...you can put yourself in its way ...or not....I much prefer the like..Perhaps it's not a bad thing that nobody has fallen in love with me,too much emotional responsibility xx Freya
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RHP User
10 years ago
Tuscan dear,but it is simply not true that everyone will find love...One of the biggest myths of out Western culture xxFreya
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RHP User
10 years ago
I have had close friends that I have known for 35-40 years. Admittedly that is a little rare but every now and then you meet someone who you can be friends with for life. The benefits may change, or the friendship changes... Maybe you see each other less. But that doesn't mean you care less.
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RHP User
10 years ago
This question was a spin off from the "good advice for an FWB" thread. Everyone stated that communication and managing expectations was such an important factor, so that just made me wonder what would happen if the unthinkable happens and one of you falls in love. Is it possible to continue on or does it mean the end of the FWB relationship I def wasn't asking this question based on my experiences. As I haven't been unhappy in an FWB situation yet. Will keep you all posted on that though. :P
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RHP User
10 years ago
Actually that ain't true... Once I thought it was more & he didn't, so once I came to my senses, I him to and I quote "fuck off". Oops my italian temper was red hot that day. Hehe.
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inspirit
10 years ago
Logical Straight Answer - Yes it can. Your question is simple but many seem to complicate it by adding variables.... there are none. Your choice - Your feelings and you need to own them. IF you want more from that person, then hey = suck it up. Would it work for me? Nope. If I loved some one unconditionally, I would want it reciprocated. Because I want to FEEL loved. I want too be able to tell that person I love them too. I had an FWB who "fell" for me and I could not offer the same. We parted because I felt, I could not reciprocate what he desired - Which in turn, made me feel guilty because I could not give him what he desired the most. To be unconditionally loved. After that one I had another FWB (yes yes another :p) who I "Developed feelings for" I stopped it. as I knew he did not feel the same. I knew from my previous FWB, what it felt like, as in not to love some one, when they love you. Did that all make sense lol
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RHP User
10 years ago
Well thought out and lots of truth in what you had to say... As for me, I could feel she was getting a little to close which made me feel uncomfortable... I don't see her near as much now. I like it that way , but would make a clean break if that's the way it has to be...
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RHP User
10 years ago
Are you Miss Golden Strap-on Inspirit???Quoting 'inspirit' Logical Straight Answer - Yes it can. Your question is simple but many seem to complicate it by adding variables.... there are none. Your choice - Your feelings and you need to own them. IF you want more from that person, then hey = suck it up. Would it work for me? Nope. If I loved some one unconditionally, I would want it reciprocated. Because I want to FEEL loved. I want too be able to tell that person I love them too. I had an FWB who "fell" for me and I could not offer the same. We parted because I felt, I could not reciprocate what he desired - Which in turn, made me feel guilty because I could not give him what he desired the most. To be unconditionally loved. After that one I had another FWB (yes yes another :p) who I "Developed feelings for" I stopped it. as I knew he did not feel the same. I knew from my previous FWB, what it felt like, as in not to love some one, when they love you. Did that all make sense lol
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Violetincredible
10 years ago
I only have sex with people I'm in love with... However if they fall in love with me - or say they are in love with me it totally freaks me out... I know this is weird- but it's how I react at the moment... No idea why!! So in my opinion it's great if only one person in the situation has feelings as long as it's me!! 😋💕💅 Xxviolet
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RHP User
10 years ago
Me and my current partner pretty much in Monogamous relationship after meeting through RHP , and on here now these days just for the Adult forums ....definitely nothing wrong fallin for your FWB especially if you both feeling the same way i mean how can we say no to Love.
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RHP User
10 years ago
to love more than one person but in different degrees. My husband is my No. 1 but both he and I know that it is within ourselves to be able to love someone else as well. Like Violetincredible, I will only have sex with a man that I have fallen in 'love"with but that "love" is controlled and I will always be aware of the boundaries that exist between him and I. It will always just be a FWB relationship. I will not expect him to give me more of himself than he is willing to give. If and when the FWB relationship does end, I hope that I will still be friends with him. For this to occur there must be constant communication to avoid any misunderstanding or unintentional hurt. If a RHP man falls in love with me in return, during a FWB relationship. I would welcome it as long as he also does not overstep the boundaries that exist. So whether "love" can exist in a FWB relationship depends solely on the attitude of the participants involved. Amy
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RHP User
10 years ago
It's my view that it's a breeding ground for drama. How many instances have you seen say at a swingers club where a couple were there to try the swinging thing only for it to end in one party backing out at the eleventh hour?? Or at the very least had to call time out to discuss things further?? I can only imagine that that kind of conflict couldn't be healthy on a much larger scale like matters of the heart. I know I couldn't continue to be around a person with whom I was in love with but the feelings weren't reciprocated as I'd constantly feel as if I were needing to compete for their affection. It'd be like trying to slide nakedly down a banister lined with razor wire or something. But.... I'm a hypocrite to an extent as I stayed with the mother of little ones because I was in love with her while at the same time; could see she just wasn't there anymore. I felt as though I was tying her down to something like you would your dog to a pole while you slipped into the supermarket. It pained me to see her unhappiness. It hurt to be home and it hurt to leave home for another week on the road. I would wake everyday and wonder if that day was going to be the day that one of us would put each other out of their misery. The realisation that our relationship was finally dead - not even a neurological twitch remaining post mortem - came when laying in bed one morning ...."we don't have sex anymore because I love you......we have sex now because I'm horny and you're the one that's in the bed" are embedded in the scar that remains, and remain the positive reminder not to continue to try to exist in a relationship or any other arrangement that wasn't being invested into by both parties equally all of the time. I hope this has some significance for your question :) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
Don't fall in love period Not worth the pain - Posted from rhpmobile
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inspirit
10 years ago
Is that lust and infatuation rather than love? I am pretty sure we all have to be in some kind of lusty state to root. 8====D~~~ ♥ - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
I am in this predicament now. Add the fact the one I love is married and also has a new girlfriend. We are just friends now with no benefits but its a hard one to get over. You love who you love. I have been heatbroken for 12 months. Having daily contact is torture but I just cant let go. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
I think it's a matter of degrees and a question of what you want. If you want a committed relationship, and a shared life in all aspects, then if the other party is not emotionally or physically available in that way, it's probably best to let them go. Until you let them go, you won't have room to meet someone who does want the same things. But if you just want loving time with them, you have chemistry and you're 'in-like' with each other, perhaps one person being in love isn't a problem. I think it's worth being careful though. We can convince ourselves that anything is OK, because we want it to be OK, not because it's actually healthy and productive for us. And the terrible irony of unrequited love is that it keeps us in the pattern of trying everything we can to be enough for the other person, in the hope that they'll eventually change their feelings and fall for/choose us. It takes a lot of courage to walk away from feel good, intense, but unhealthy things. I do also think the person who's not in love has a responsibility here. Sometimes they need to end things out of fairness to the other person. Continuing to take what someone is offering, when you know that someone is in love with you and bound to be hurting or end up hurt, can be quite selfish. Even if the in love person is saying they know and accept the situation, sometimes it's obvious that they're just doing whatever it takes to keep their lover near them. From another point of view, one of my favourite relationship articles ever was about an older couple who'd been together 80 or so years. When asked how they managed to last that long they said "we never fell out of love at the same time". It taught me that love doesn't have to be equal all the time, that sometimes one person needs to love enough for both until whatever's broken has mended, and that being together takes a lot more than just love. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
Lusty state to root = having a quickie with the hooters girl between shouts ;) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
Yes I have fallen in love with a FWB, she also did.. it was intense and will always have a place in my heart.
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RHP User
10 years ago
The long one :) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'Burning_Love' The long one :) - Posted from rhpmobile +1 thank you for sharing Sir.
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RHP User
10 years ago
No it's not lust or infatuation.. My fwbs are generally long term - most at least 1 year .. And I totally love them- I love the feeling of being in love as long as it is unrequited or if it is requited it must be very non suffocating... I think the cultural reality of expectations of people in love just totally freaks me. I really need to chat to my psych about this sometime... Only problem is I'll have to tell her about my involvement in this scene.... 👻 Xxviolet
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RHP User
10 years ago
FWB's start out as convenience or whatever. There may even be a set of ground rules. However, there had to be some attraction there in the first place. How feelings develop is often not able to be controlled. Honesty about feelings is the only way to make it work, but from my perspective, if it is not going to be equal, the potential for someone getting hurt is huge! We often don't see it coming though.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'PurplePonies' No it's not lust or infatuation.. My fwbs are generally long term - most at least 1 year .. And I totally love them- I love the feeling of being in love as long as it is unrequited or if it is requited it must be very non suffocating... I think the cultural reality of expectations of people in love just totally freaks me. I really need to chat to my psych about this sometime... Only problem is I'll have to tell her about my involvement in this scene.... 👻 Xxviolet Love has strong evolutionary reasons for existing, and yes you should most certainly tell your psych about your involvement in the scene, it is what they are there for! There is plenty of great new research in the whole field of adult love, and you could be missing out on learning about yourself because you are remaining quiet about your feelings in this area. Wow I should totally step off this soap box now right...?
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'sir_stir' It's my view that it's a breeding ground for drama. How many instances have you seen say at a swingers club where a couple were there to try the swinging thing only for it to end in one party backing out at the eleventh hour?? Or at the very least had to call time out to discuss things further?? I can only imagine that that kind of conflict couldn't be healthy on a much larger scale like matters of the heart. I know I couldn't continue to be around a person with whom I was in love with but the feelings weren't reciprocated as I'd constantly feel as if I were needing to compete for their affection. It'd be like trying to slide nakedly down a banister lined with razor wire or something. But.... I'm a hypocrite to an extent as I stayed with the mother of little ones because I was in love with her while at the same time; could see she just wasn't there anymore. I felt as though I was tying her down to something like you would your dog to a pole while you slipped into the supermarket. It pained me to see her unhappiness. It hurt to be home and it hurt to leave home for another week on the road. I would wake everyday and wonder if that day was going to be the day that one of us would put each other out of their misery. The realisation that our relationship was finally dead - not even a neurological twitch remaining post mortem - came when laying in bed one morning ...."we don't have sex anymore because I love you......we have sex now because I'm horny and you're the one that's in the bed" are embedded in the scar that remains, and remain the positive reminder not to continue to try to exist in a relationship or any other arrangement that wasn't being invested into by both parties equally all of the time. I hope this has some significance for your question :) Dude that is pretty full on! Shows there certainly is danger in a one-way love, perhaps more than I appreciated...
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RHP User
10 years ago
To say sorry for the double post, got a bit trigger happy when the page didn't load inside 3.954 nanoseconds.
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inspirit
10 years ago
Quoting 'Vaquero4' Are you Miss Golden Strap-on Inspirit???
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RHP User
10 years ago
Really well said newcuriosity .. ! This is what i also believe and couldn't have said it better . - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
Nope for me, never HAVE never WILL! Has hapoened with the other person whom started to develop 'feelings' for me, even though we set 'rules' and groynded the same page/level......only has hapoened once, and we agreed to part wats very mutual & level headed 'split' big ups to them. :)
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'On_Safari'Thing is, I am on my own; have been for a long time....so what am I holding onto? (Soft ironic smile) an image? An ideal? The feint hope that I DO matter?
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RHP User
10 years ago
I think in the long run its not healthy to continue if one is in love and one isnt. I have been the one in love and knew he wasnt with me. We lived together and were happy until his one true love appeared again into his life. So there was no choice to be made about who he wanted to be with. He left of course, yes and I was broken hearted but that was my choice to stay and always was. I had some happiness for a period of time and I paid dearly for it. For the future I would not choose to repeat this though. I can say having a fwb that your actually friends with and enjoy their company is great and fulfilling. I can enjoy the time spent together and then leave and go back to my own life. I dont have to be responsible for their daily life like family or financial issues. That part is what you take on when your in love with someone and until then if it as someone said you both are in like with each then enjoy what that brings. Then at least when someone does come into your life that you have deeper mutual feelings for you can end the sexual benefits and just be friends peacefully.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Forgot to say finding a great fwb is rare and I dont think alot of people of capable of making it work. But when you do its time to celebrate.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I spent time living in France in the 70 s and marvelled at the sexual sophistication of their society--having come from OZ. Every couple that I knew had each a lover out of marriage--both parties accepted this and considered this practise to be good for their marriage. There were rules to be obeyed by both ---they never spoke to each other about their lover----they were not to hang out with their lover in the locale.--they kept their lovers name secret from close friends. This practice had existed in France for hundreds of years---Pity OZ culture has not caught up --even today--had it there wud be less frustrations and the other consequential unsocial behaviours
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RHP User
10 years ago
It wouldn't work for myself at all, it happened once n I had to end it (mutually) of course as I felt that it was just tagging him along n I felt that I wasn't being fair to him! If I fell in love with a fwb I myself would end it n keep a distance before it got to hard for myself! - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
Well I fell in love with my FWB and she fell in love with me. We are still together and very much in love.......
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Naughtydouble
10 years ago
When you feel the feeling your doomed cant go back cant go forward best option confess your love its either Pain or Gain but still moving forward 😆 - Posted from rhpmobile
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mysteryman101
10 years ago
If it feels good do it
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