M41
Fresh Start, terrified! Some advice?
August 05 2014
Comments
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RHP User
10 years ago
Why then are you a member of RHP ? Did you and your wife swing together ? If not , was she aware that you were on a dating / sex site? Seems a little strange that you would kick her out for sending an explicit message ...... Yet here you are? Separation is a very scary thing to go through but I'd first like clarification before giving my opinion or advice :) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
I signed up here when we split the 1st time, never did anything about my membership, fought to keep the marriage together and 4 months later we got back together and were happy for another 3 or so years. However, this took another bad turn so here I am. Hope that explains it for you.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Hi there, sorry to hear you're going through a difficult period in your marriage. Do you think there's any chance of a reconciliation ? You say you've been on this site for a while , yet you only caught your wife txting someone the other night. That would suggest to me that you've been on here looking for extra-marital encounters yourself , yet you've asked her to leave for maybe doing the same thing. Perhaps the two of you can sit down and discuss having a more open relationship which won't necessarily constitute the end of your marriage. With three children in the picture it seems a shame to take such drastic action. In the mean time , if it's advice/counselling that you think you need, can I recommend Mensline Australia. They offer 24 hr telephone/text/video counselling for men who are experiencing relationship difficulties. They also have a forum where you can write in and other men who've been through similar situations will reply to you. www.mensline.org.au Tel 1300 789 978. All the best.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Chance to reconsile... I don't think so this time, however hopeful I am. Shes made it pretty clear that shes does not see that happening which is a shame as if she can get herself sorted out, deal with what she needs to, get help if thats what she needs then I would certainly look at the option. I spoke with her this morning and told her that I had not given up, even if she had but its in her hands and she needs to take time to consider her options. I wont get my hopes up and fight like last time, I can't go through that again unless she calls the shots and comes to me about it. With the 3 kids, it certainly makes things more complicated however we are talking and discussing things and making some plans to make it easier on them. We are certainly being nice to each other. I don't hate her, she doens't hate me its not that way. Its just a shitty situation that she wanted out of and I get that. Lifes hard and she thinks its easier on the other side of the fence I guess. And yes, you can see that I have been here for a while, like i said above, joined during our 1st seperation and thats as far as it went. This time feels different and thought I would reach out and see if others have advice, ideas, what ever outside of my usual group of friends. I presume that makes sense and comes across ok?
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RHP User
10 years ago
seems you are only giving us a few of the facts when you don't seem so clean yourself.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I thought i was quite forthcoming with saying I have been here for a while but never done anything, explained I joined when we 1st split, went dorment during that period and have only come back since the split. I don't think there is anything wrong with that? Perhaps it is not coming across the way I am intending or its being mis interpreted, hmmmm. Don't know what more to say then that pretty much. If I were hiding it I would not of mentioned being here for a while. I am certainly not trying to be dishonest with my intent or being here. I have never had an affair or considered going else where while being with my wife.
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Mischeviouslad
10 years ago
Even the heading has me perplexed.... "Fresh start?" You haven't ended yet. Sort your shit..... then..... look for new shit. Not the other way around. Tough love... but warranted. DG
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MsSuperFoxy
10 years ago
You're exact story rings so many bells in my ears right now. I understand you want to vent and let it all out and you appear to be hurting. It actually makes me sad to read Forum posts like yours Vyp3rRob and hear about others. I feel for people in your exact situation. I wouldn't like it done to me. :( The last person I had contact with, told me your exact same story and similar situation. Well, after a while I felt like I was being their psychologist. I felt like I was being taken advantage off, sadly I ended all contact before we even had a chance to met. DAM! I should've sent them an account, before I ended it. LOL! Sadly, I can't rescue every stray dog, puppy or willy-nilly that comes along. Foxy
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MsSuperFoxy
10 years ago
Great post mentioning Mensline Australia! They do a pretty awesome Job! Foxy
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RHP User
10 years ago
First off....PLEASE consider yr 3 children......They will undoubtedly be feeling emotionally fragile at the moment. Keep their broken world as secure as possible... My advice is to focus on yr kids psychological well being......As parents, keep kids out of the arguments and heart break, speak positively about yr spouse (even if it shits u to do so..).... Ensure their school and daily routines stay the same, inform teachers of the separation, and ask them to monitor possible behavioral problems... Explain to the kids that they are loved by BOTH parents, and that they had absolutely nothing to do with the marriage break down.... Work out amicable and fair custody or visitation rights, and avoid asking questions such as. "So what is happening at mums house.... Also, apply for child psychologists to speak with the kids....either as siblings, individually, OK r as a family....Medicare I offer 5 free a year, with opportunities for extra if needed.... I am not implying u r not a good parent...But I have been cheated on by my ex husband.., I know how it hurts, and how the children suffer.., - Posted from rhpmobile
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On_Safari
10 years ago
But like the others have said you need to give a bit more info. In answer to the crew asking why the OP is here it is common place for men going through tough times to venture this way. I mean they look but don't necessarily touch and are just exploring this cyber dating thing. I've struck it a few times, it's curiosity AND I guess wanting to know if it's possible they could find someone online. That seems natural enough. I did it prior to leaving my life behind as discussed in topics gone by that those who know me are aware. Let's not hang this bloke out to dry just yet, we're not the usual kind of people to reach out to but any port in a storm sometimes. Let's see what else he shares and then try to be a little supportive. Mensline is a great idea so are the Men's Sheds around the place where you can talk openly to other blokes who can understand. Cheers Indy
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PL1963
10 years ago
Yes the ladies have put in valid comments, I'm a bit perplexed myself, but I guess it relates to how long this has gone on etc, your relationship with your lady, trust etc. But good job, lookin' after your kid's & coming on here & asking advice, you're a Trojan Man, a lot of guys just "shut down" & make bad decision's in relation to their own life & their kid's lives. Your G.P. should be able to help you with advice & professional help you may need. Yes Men'sline, Beyond Blue, they can all help, If you are in real trouble, call the "CAT Crissis Team", they come out 24/7 & do the job, they help you & can organise temp accommodation for kid's, whatever you need. The best thing about you Man is you've reached out for help, the biggest problem with family problems, depression etc, is ppl go into "shutdown mode", I used to, no longer, I'm now very open & offer ppl advice. You're not alone Man, remember that. Speak to family, friends, professional ppl, get the help you need. Never, ever take that last wrong step, your kid's will suffer more than you. Life goes on, you will scramble your way back up to the top, believe me. Best of Luck Man. P.L.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Please seek some help....your GP should be able to recommend a good local counsellor....I have sought counselling at different stages of my life and if nothing else they provide an impartial ear to listen to what you have to say....I have no idea how young your kids are but you and your wife probably need some help sorting out childcsre arrangements too....As for looking for some "comfort" here,it maybe wiser to wait until you have a few things with your ex sorted out...bringing another into your equasion is probably unwise....good luck Vpy3...hugs xQ
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PL1963
10 years ago
Very good advice, similar to mine, especially from a "dried up lady of 98", as you put it so often, I disagree, I think you are a 40yr old "Foxy Minx", but that doesn't matter atm, as we are dealing with VPY3Rob's problem atm, I forgot to say before, 1 of the best ppl that helped me was a counselor that had no creditials, no letters after her name, just life experience & the other was a physcologist, she drew Q's & answers out of me that I didn't know existed. That was 2yrs ago, I still think about what she said. Some ppl just have the gift, I went to a psychartrist, he just adjusted my tablets, hardly talked to me & pushed me out the door, in the end my G.P. who is very knowledgable of depression, said I could have done that, I agreed. So see how you go Man, if you need more advice, don't hesitate to ask on here, most of the time you will find someone on here that can help & at least listen. Good luck Man. P.L.
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RHP User
10 years ago
As a couple of others have suggested seek counselling. Wishing you all the best mate! - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
wanting someone to listen and offer comfort, you are going to get a lot of different perspectives and a bit of burning with it. Reaching out is good, but here may not provide you with what you really need. Your work may provide you with a counselling service. They are completely confidential, your workplace won't know what it is for, they just provide access and pay for it. If not you can go and see your gp and for a small fee (if you work) you can have a mental health plan done and get six free visits to a counsellor. Talk to your friends and family and take a step back every now and again to put things in perspective. Bitterness will only make you unhappy and resentful towards your wife, which in turn will really affect the kids. They are your top priority and the real losers in what has happened. From what you have posted, you neither are an innocent in the downfall of your relationship, it's easy to put the blame on the other person, harder to accept that you were part of the decline. Put it in perspective. Why didn't she turn to you? Why were you here? Was her infidelity the opportunity to escape without being the bad guy? Only you can answer these questions. I hope you and your kids get through this sad time with as little anger and resentment as possible. Good Luck
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RHP User
10 years ago
Hi Mate, I'm not going to give direct advice about your relationship because I'm not qualified, other than having had a couple of experiences that may have had me feeling similar to the way you do... First I say, as have others, get some professional advice and counseling (hopefully convince your wife to go with you, or at least seek the same herself). But MOST OF ALL, look after your kids psychological welfare. At 30, I assume they are pretty young. This can be an awful time for them, especially with their mother being the one who's gone... I don't know what agencies are available for help and counseling today, my two 'desperate times' were many years ago. I've had wife 1 leave at 29 after 11 years married leaving our 3 kids. My 2nd wife died, leaving me with 6 teenagers at school. So, I think maybe I've felt what you may be... The only thing I'm willing to suggest, with what you've said is, IF you 'HOPE' things will work themselves out with her, WHY not chase her and FIGHT, like you did the first time? That will show her that you DO want things to work. Not a good time to be 'proud' or you will lose. If there is a chance it can work out, and you can figure out what it is she really wants or needs and you can give it... Why throw away your marriage and your children's mother, for want of swallowing your pride? Just a couple of things to consider... I hope they help give you a different perspective or at least, an idea of what you really want, INSIDE... Best of Luck .
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RHP User
10 years ago
Hello Vyp3rRob, just to let you know that as a new person to the forum your comments go through an approval process so although you can see your comment appear on this thread, nobody else can until it has been approved by the moderators. So it seems like people keep harping on the same point, that is why were you on RHP, it's because they were not able to see your answer when they made their comment. Your comments may take a 2-3 hours to appear, sometimes longer. Regular forum contributors have instant posting rights, so there comments appear straight away. A bit annoying but that explains why people seen to be ignoring you....... they aren't really.
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RHP User
10 years ago
OK - I'm going to be very careful how I say things here. 1. Counseling - best advice ever. 1.1 For your kids 1.2 For YOURSELF not for your marriage. 2. Sounding a bit like a victim - I know you feel like it but there is obviously issues and it takes 2 in a marriage. Whether it's communication issues or what have you. If you feel like a victim and sound like a victim you're affecting the kids 100%. 3. You don't want to fight but is this your cop out or are you facing the reality that you have both gone too far down your own individual paths? Or are you simply too angry and tired? OK - the reason I point this out is because I had to make the heartbreaking decision to leave my hubby after 20 yrs. He said he was happy and it was our of the blue. 3 times we came close - talked about it etc He feels like a victim and it ribs of on our youngest who feels he has to look after his dad.... my reason for sharing is that i would hate anyone else to repeat this add it just hurts the kids in the long run. And I know by your post that is the last thing you want. Sounds like you could have the possibility to keep good cocommunication lines open.....awesome job. Good luck. x - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
Points for putting it out there. .. One thing you can be sure of is that the folks here will tell you how they think it is. ... Most (won't generalise lol) are damn honest which is a beautiful and scary thing. x - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
You ate misquoting me,I would never speak about myself in that way and I have no idea why you would think I was Foxxy.....I hope things are going much better for you Vyp3 and apologies for going off topic cQ
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'PL1963' Very good advice, similar to mine, especially from a "dried up lady of 98", as you put it so often, I disagree, I think you are a 40yr old "Foxy Minx", Quoting 'Qefenta3' You ate misquoting me,I would never speak about myself in that way and I have no idea why you would think I was Foxxy..... I think PL was trying to compliment you in a joking manner, not confusing you with Superfoxxxy. Didn't quite translate, PL. Putting words in people's mouths is not that funny I think. Vyp, Meeka is right. Many poster's comments showed up before your second and third did, making it appear no one was listening to you.I agree with the others about getting help and think it's a important for you to look after yourself (and your kids) before looking for others. I wish you the best of luck.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Hi Again Mate, I came back to see if you'd commented any more and it seems you haven't. I hope you do or at least have seen the post about how your posts take more time to appear to others and it seemed that people weren't getting you and were harping on something you'd explained. But if you do come back, can I just reinforce one thing that's been mentioned. I found it invaluable advice and the most important thing I did... That was not to put shit on your Mrs to the kids (or within earshot). It won't affect the way they feel, other then turning them against you. I know now (my kids are in their 30's and I have grandkids) it was the most important thing I chose to take to heart. I see all my kids regularly and my grandkids have a wonderful relationship with 'Poppy'... They are happy sound and also the very light of my life... The 'creature' I managed to put up with for 11 years never sees her children and has met one grandchild at the Christening she was invited to by only ONE of our kids... I am the lucky man who did the right thing because I had the right advice... (and she also shot herself in the foot in so many cruel and ridiculous ways, they won't even speak to her...). So, good luck and be assured it will get better and one day you'll say to yourself... "Why was I so bloody upset at all, this is the life I should have had from the beginning". And most of all, look after those beautiful kids. They need YOU more than ever now...Be well.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I'm not going to grill you about facts of your situation..I'm just going to say that if you've both let the Flame of Passion burn out to an ember....It is very difficult to re~ignite.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'MeAgain7' The 'creature' I managed to put up with for 11 years never sees her children and has met one grandchild at the Christening she was invited to by only ONE of our kids... "Creature", really? Is that like an Ex Ox? Maybe I'll start a forum about what we call that one ex we can't stand behind his/her back. I'll start: My ex.
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MsSuperFoxy
10 years ago
HUH Is there anything I should be made aware off that I don't know about?? Can someone please tell me - I went back and reread this forum. Foxy
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'Meander' Quoting 'MeAgain7' The 'creature' I managed to put up with for 11 years never sees her children and has met one grandchild at the Christening she was invited to by only ONE of our kids... "Creature", really? Is that like an Ex Ox? Maybe I'll start a forum about what we call that one ex we can't stand behind his/her back. I'll start: My ex. I also dislike these public, detailed accounts of stories about exes and giving them derogatory names (particularly when the people putting down have face pics as their profile pic and can be recognised by people they know that aren't on RHP). No matter what you tell us about them, the fact is that we are still only getting one side of the story - yours - and you are naturally going to be biased, even if you have had counselling etc. to help you deal with things. I know it is a human trait to see yourself in others' stories and to empathise with them, which is fine, but it can be done without this sort of dirty laundry airing.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Dude watch what you say its making you look bad "creature" really you married the woman and had kids. It wasn't all bad you just drifted no need to call names My wife cheated on me Dislike her yes but I wouldn't call her names in 20 years it wasn't all bad
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RHP User
10 years ago
This is an interesting topic to read. It's clear the OP is in a delicate phase of his life, along with his children. Stick to providing advice, by all means ask more questions, but leave judgments and discussions of titles of ex partners to another thread. I have no advice to offer as I have not experienced such circumstances, but suggestions of ongoing communication with your GP, psychologist, children's psychologist, Mens Helpline. Mind Australia appears helpful also after googling the CAT Crisis Team suggestion. Remember, it's only a forum, we can only provide (mostly unqualified) advice from often rich experience. The OP, like all of us is solely responsible for their outcomes, we can only suggest but can't write expecting change.
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PL1963
10 years ago
Q3, It was a light hearted compliment, obviously it was taken wrong. I was going by some of your posts and your profile. I was not referring to you as "Foxxyy", but as a "foxy minx". Sorry again. Meander, what do I say, accept I have an "out there sense of humour", I guess people don't get me sometimes. I have never made any bones about things with my EX, I actually received an AVO for calling her a "Cunt OX", which is the true meaning of "Ox", I just toned it down for the posts. orry to you as well. LD23, I seriously doubt anyone on this site would recognise myself or my Ex, one of the things that made me feel this way is that she broke a deal we had & made selected e-mails from me to her & her solicitor avail to my now "Ex" friends & family to discredit me, it's the same old story, everybody believed her & refused to even listen to my side of the story. To finish this off forever, I realise I'm off topic, but I can only say this, the only person who appears to understand what I went thru is MeAagain7, as he seems to have gone thru a similar ordeal. The only way you Ppl will ever understand what is like will be if your child, neice, nephew or someone very close to you gets treated like this. I did everything to I could for her for 30yrs, tried to make her happy in her self, sometimes it worked for a while, but we always ended up back at the same place. She is now & very sad & regretful woman for what she did to our family. Like already said, it was "dump the wife, or take my own life" the main reason I never did that is that there is a 35% higher chance of my son committing suicide if his Father does, he has tried at least twice in the past 2yrs. As for the OP, man I've given the best advice I can & so have a lot of Ppl, just never think you're alone, no hole is too deep to climb out of, especially if you have kid's. All the best. I'm now going to take my own advice & "stick my head up a dead up a dead bear's arse". Thank you Umpires, linesmen & ball boys. P.L.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'PL1963' Q3, It was a light hearted compliment, obviously it was taken wrong. I was going by some of your posts and your profile. I was not referring to you as "Foxxyy", but as a "foxy minx". Sorry again. Meander, what do I say, accept I have an "out there sense of humour", I guess people don't get me sometimes. I have never made any bones about things with my EX, I actually received an AVO for calling her a "Cunt OX", which is the true meaning of "Ox", I just toned it down for the posts. orry to you as well. Regarding your comment to Q: there's a big difference between saying "That came out wrong" and "You took it the wrong way." One is taking responsibility, the other is not. Also, admitting the term Ex Ox was really Cunt Ox is not really helping your case here! I for one hope that when you know better, you'll do better as you're not making yourself sound like an upstanding bloke at the moment. My opinion, of course.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'PL1963'the only person who appears to understand what I went thru is MeAagain7, as he seems to have gone thru a similar ordeal. The only way you Ppl will ever understand what is like will be if your child, neice, nephew or someone very close to you gets treated like this. never a good idea to assume what 'we people' have or haven't been through. It seems to you as though MeAgain is the only other person who has gone through something similar as he has opened up about it. Plenty of us - including me - have gone through some fucked up shit, and yes although it no longer eats at me like it used to I am still a bit bitter about some things and people in my past...but every day, week, month and year I find I dwell on them less and less. Also, I find that time has given a sharper, less emotionally-based perspective; I have come to realise that in most cases the fault was certainly not solely with the other party, I played my part as well but I couldn't see that at the time. Anyway, I realise that we are flogging a dead horse here. I've been where you are and I know it didn't really matter what anyone else said to me, my hurt and anger was too great. And it is a valid stage of the healing process. Good luck in your journey.
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PL1963
10 years ago
Yes this case is now truly closed, the "horse" has been flogged truly to death, perhaps my words don't come out on paper as well as I think them out. Cheers P.L.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Well WOW. What a group. Thanks for all the replies guys. Thanks for explaining the way the site works to us basic users. I can't afford to upgrade my account at the moment, got more important things to pay for... like providing for my lovely kids. Thanks for the support and suggestions of where to turn. I was pretty blown away on Sunday / Monday when it all went down and was left feeling pretty shocked. Even tho it was my decision to move her on out, I had to second guess myself. We have spoken heaps since, there is zero chance of sorting things out in her mind. She was planning on leaving for a while but didn't see a way out. I made some mistakes in our relationship 6 years ago and while she said she was over it and was happy (I didn't cheat, i put us in bad financial spot with a few bad decisions that I have regretted ever since) it turns out she was just playing happy families. Those bad decisions just cost me the love of my life and in the end it will cost me my 3 kids no doubt as she will end up with them, the guys always get screwed for that! I know I tried to talk to her and see how bad things had gotten for us, while our sex life was great and effection was there there were moment where she would withdraw. I saw her become less happy in day to day life but I was just hoping it was because she was away from her family and that when we moved (which I was working on with new job options) back close to her family she would take a positive swing and we could recover. But, I was wrong. She told me in no un certain terms the other night that no matter what I did, now or within the last few months she was done. Nothing was going to change the fact she was getting out. She just needed the door opened. I did try to talk to her and make the effort but in the end, someone can only do so much. It takes two to have a problem, fix the problem and work through things. This is more for me to just rant a bit and let things out. I am finding it hard in the evenings once the kids go to bed and there is a big empty spot in my usual agenda. The bed colder (The electric blanket only does so much!), I miss her smell and touch. In the mean time I have my 3 awesome kids to enjoy and take care of. The sad part is, only once have they asked for Mum! The two oldest have an idea of whats going on but not to the full extent and our 2.5 year old hasnt even sooked for her... and he's the "mummy's boy!". I am not sure what to make of all of that. Seems strange. I know they miss me alot after a few days. They have skyped with her and chat on the mobile most evenings so contact is certainly still there. Anyway, enough rambling from me. This probably isn't the place for this but seemed like a good idea at the time.
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MsSuperFoxy
10 years ago
Sounds to me Vyp3rRob, you are experiencing what a lot of people go through after seperations/break ups etc. Yes that loneliness can be a bitch in a house alone...however one has to like their own company and being by self before entering into something with another or inviting people over just because one wants company or adult simulation. I've been down that road, it is horrible - but it took me a while to get to that point where I enjoy my own company, enjoy my time alone. Now a days - I would rather be by myself in my own environment, than with someone who's conversations were boring, unproductive and meaningless. Give yourself time and you'll get there....it's about adjusting to a new lifestyle as well. I know that feeling too when kids go to the other parents to spend time with them. This is the most important time to spent on YOU and do things YOU want to do, get to know yourself. It's not that scary. Enjoy it while it lasts. :) Foxy
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madotara69
10 years ago
Could have hit the like button, though that was a great post. Good on you mate. Very heart felt. Mado Mado Tara xx
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'allsorts72' Dude watch what you say its making you look bad "creature" really you married the woman and had kids. It wasn't all bad you just drifted no need to call names My wife cheated on me Dislike her yes but I wouldn't call her names in 20 years it wasn't all bad I wasn't aware this discussion was going on about my post, so excuse me for not responding... and apologizing. I was in a moment when I recalled how and what had been done to my daughter. It wasn't because of anything she'd done to me... (As agreed... No accounts of personal business, so you can be left to imagine what can happen to a 10 year old girl that would 'incense' a father). I think the word I used to describe her was in truth, restrained to great degree, given the circumstances. But they are not for public announcement and the description was not for the Forum. I have referred to say... a beautiful actress as "My goodness, she's a lovely looking creature"... Maybe it's a generational thing, but that's a compliment and the word doesn't mean anything derogatory. To the contrary, it's a compliment. But that's neither here nor there. But I must admit, it was meant to be the nicest title I could think of at the time, and was meant as derogatory in that context... As I said, I was time-warping and recalling how awfully my daughter had suffered. So, yes... guilty of bad form... I agree. Shit... it was 25 years ago and I don't think of it from one year to the next... And silly me had to think of it here... SO SORRY. And PL... I don't why you picked me, but there are many people here who have been through much the same things and probably worse. Don't assume because they don't post it, that they don't know... I think most everyone here knows in some way or another what it's like to be hurt...
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