Friends with benefits ???

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  MrJingles

  13 years ago

  never works in my experience.   Ive had several with awesome sex but emotions always get involved and down hill from there..

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  RHP User

  13 years ago

  That's a tough one Jazz its hard not to have some feelings for a FWB,My suggestion would be sit down with him and talk it through it depends what current relationship you both are in. You both might need some time away from each other I hope it helps good luck.

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  RHP User

  13 years ago

  I have a cute little fwb. We saw each other for two years. We live maybe two blocks apart from each other and texted, chatted on line often. Nearly on a daily basis at times. Now I have entered a committed relationship I have had to say goodbye to him. I was sad because after two years you build up some form of attachment as is normal. It is just a matter of letting the sex side of things go and the friendship can remain. I have a number of other men as great friends as well. Naturally with any on going friendship "more" is going to develop....evn if on one side and not the otehr. You need to sit down and talk to him about this. Let him know what you want and feel. You either agree or you both move on, no reason that the friendship side has to end, just the sex side as this is what is causing the problems. Often when ongoing and great sex is involved, many get confused and emotional. It is a fine line we walk when sex becomes involved...it can be done though.

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  RHP User

  13 years ago

  A lady and I are going great guns for nearing a year now I think. We even did all that stuff that fwb aren't "supposed" to do, like spend lots of non-sexual time together and talk to each other about our lives. I figure there's an important friend part of being an fwb and not just a person who moonlights as a sex partner.   It's working for us so far because we're both fairly sure about what we want and don't want. The arrangements probably only start not to work when one partner changes their mind or was never really being solid or honest with themselves from the beginning. That can happen and it's a risk that comes with the activity. Sometimes the benefits have got to end abruptly because they're creating a heartbreak for one party and a frustration for the other. I don't know that you can say for certain whether that will happen or not in any given fwb arrangement because people are different, mysterious, changable and powerrfully influenced by the emotional and physiological responses to sex.   So I'd say yes, they do work, but sometimes they stop working. That's a risk of the activity and needs to be taken into account before the pants come off and the handcuffs go click.

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  RHP User

  13 years ago

  It grows and progresses along it's own course, each as individual as the individuals involved. Few are permanent and most run out of momentum too soon for one or the other. Ce la vie. Invest as much emotion into each as you feel it deserves then leave it behind philosophically.

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  RHP User

  13 years ago

  Jazz I looked at your profile and I think there may be some mixed messages there.Firstly you say you are attached,but then you say you are looking for someone special.You also talk about going out to dinner etc with this person. If this was a man's profile and I read that, I would definitely be confused as to whar he actually wanted.Perhaps it is just a sexual relationship you really want? Only you can answer that question.You definitely need to make it clear to your friend, what exactly it is ,you are wanting from the relationship. Perhaps he is also a little unclear about what he wants.We often make assumptions about another's thoughts and feelings,often we are wrong If this man is single he may be hoping for more than just a FWB situation I have a FWB whom I see occassionally,we care about each other,the sex is great, but neither of us wants anymore than that. As others have said here ,when sex is involved it is hard not to have emotions involved .I think it is also about expectations,if one person is hoping that the relationship will change into something more serious,that is a huge problem. x Hugs H

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  RHP User

  13 years ago

  I think with the right communication about it..it works..afterall we both want great sex ..dont we..

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  RHP User

  13 years ago

  I have found that I wanted more from my FWB and when she didn't we continued for a while and I looked elsewhere for more. When I found someone else, she then decided that she wanted more. Remember we are only guys what do we know!!!!

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  RHP User

  13 years ago

  I've maintained a few successfully I find the most key thing is communication.You have to be absolutely honest with each other and yourself especially. Talk about it often and use this to keep the other 'in check'. And if you feel that feelings are developing, then bring it right away. This sounds like where you are at now?Good luck.P.S. It also takes the right kind of people to be successful with a fwb relationship.

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  RHP User

  13 years ago

  Can they be ongoing without problems or issues ?I think all relationships have some level of problems or issues - at some point at least. To me a good friendship can be as complicated over time as any relationship - its all about how the issues come up and how they are managed.Whilst no FWBs - I have had over the years many great friendships with women. Not all would have benefitted from a sexual element but many where it would have been a welcome addition....probably not all would have survived, (so perhaps its a good thing they didn't).. Alas.My point is really this - if one enters a FWB with true intent and so does the other, and genuinely you both value the friendship - then there has to at least be the real possibility that they can work.Good luck with yours....2b :)

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  Wildewillsy76

  13 years ago

  FWB do work even when they are married

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  RHP User

  13 years ago

  if you define working as a relationship that is fun and has a lifespan.. then yes. they work fine. I think if you expect them to last long term, then maybe not.i had a great FWB that lasted 9 months. the trick is not to take the sex for granted or let it become a habit. i valued our time together enormously.actually it only ended when we fell in love. sadly, two years later that ended when her children finally made her choose between me and them.would i do it all again? you bet. so i say FWBs can work..If you are really lucky they may even take you train spotting too!!!

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  RHP User

  13 years ago

  I have found it does work for me. No relationships no expectations if all the rules are set out up front.I know it can hurt some people as they tend to fall in love and it does go downhill if that happens.Good luck !

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  RHP User

  13 years ago

  This is my third attempt to respond, seems RHP hates my phone. Men from a very young age are conditioned to some basic trains of thought on the wants and needs of women. We're told they like flowers, romance, holding hands, affection and to have "sweet nothings" whispered in their ear by television, printed media advertising and many RHP profiles. Young women are conditioned to believe that if a mane is serious they will bring flowers and show all these other feelings and emotions. After a few years I think the behaviour becomes habit and men will do these things without thinking as they are conditioned that this will bring the result of sex. Women who just want an FB are a minority so when dealing with the 2% minority it is difficult to change mindset, just tell the guy is he must talk just talk dirty and that you're still going to jump all over him without the valentines day lines.

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  RHP User

  13 years ago

  Exactally! Depends on everyones circumstances .Quoting 'Kinky_Charlie' Jazzz.... They do and don't work. I've had quite a few "arranged" relationships over the years gone by. Your forum question raises many issues. I think Fuck Buddies are arrangements, I suggest you set the rules with each other before you start. They can lead to other things and it can be hard not to get attached at times, it depends on the chemistry. It sounds to me from your forum as you say the sex is good, but your becoming emotionally involved with this man. I think it's hard not to get attached for many people, but there are some players on this site (male and female) that are so good at this it becomes as if they don't care about people eventually and their playmates just become the "next fuck"...they have no families, no husband or wife, they have had all these fucks and they have no one in their lives that care about them. They see all their friends on facebook with families and houses in photos and they become angry and hurt as they know they have no love in their life and nothing to show for as apart from memories after all this fun.... I have also seen couples seperate and spit up as a result of playing with couples. I have seen married couples split and divorce when he or she discovers their partner has been fucking the best family friend.   I think the answer is enjoy the fun, and move around a bit, enjoy the dinners and some fine conversation with some different men and not just the sex.... I personally find the lives of people very interesting when dating.... Sometimes I consider myself so lucky after hearing all the stories of people I have heard....   So, I hope this puts a positive spin on things for you and that you keep an open mind on what you are doing... xoxo Charles

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  RHP User

  13 years ago

  Yes, friend with benefits relationships can work. However Jazz, hate to be the bearer of bad news, it sounds as though your particular FwB arrangement isn't going to last the distance.Some people you can be friends with, and have great sex with, and even love(this may just be me) and yet know, that if you take that step further, everything will go pear-shaped. You need to know within yourself what you're looking for, what you're capable of giving, what you want to be given, and then, once you have those figured out, you need to learn how to communicate openly and honestly.Also, it's hard to shag someone regularly and not form attachments to them. This should be expected, it's not a bad thing, it's biological. If you want a relationship though, I'd suggest raising with FwB that you want to progress from FwB. If you don't you'll keep feeling bad and he won't know. If you mention it, he can say yes (happy days) or no (sad face) but at least then you'll know and you can go about finding something more satisfying for you.Good luck! :D

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  RHP User

  13 years ago

  It's nice to have a friend with benefits, I don't care what anyone says, someone gets the short straw!!!! One part of the party gets hooked! If it is doing your head in, time to run a mile and build a bridge to get over it or have a conversation to perhaps have a real relationship. A relationship is not a fuck buddy. Relationship is more than that. Don 't do fuck buddy's, waste of time...If you want a shag, go get one! Don't have to have a fuck buddy to have a shag..

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  RHP User

  13 years ago

  I don't have the attachment issue as I am attached to my partner. It would be harder if single I presume. I think to form a true friendship there needs to be a type of love and caring that grows. Emotions are not the problem, they are natural and a part of why we like to spend time with others, holding back emotions is likely to cause more problems- I am a spoiled brat when I am deprived hahaha and more likely to lose focus! The problem is attachment and letting emotions cloud your perspective. That doesn't mean you should be emotionless- what a waste of life!!! Just stay focused on what's important and te ground rules. Sometimes they will stay mutually beneficial and sometimes one side may change there priorities and want more- communication is key and it will either work or not.Cass xxx

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  RHP User

  13 years ago

  I honestly don't know. I would tend to think yes, it is possible. It's interesting that at the moment there are two threads on here, but something that's come up is the difference between Friends With Benefits and Fuck Buddies. As is my understanding, a FB is basically somebody sexy you have on call, and your relationship is pretty much based on that. A FWB though is someone you enjoy hanging out with and spending time with, (ie. a friend), as well as doing the lust and thrust, but for whatever reason, it's not going to work having you be in a long-term relationship (eg. different ambitions, different life-stages, more selfish reason like 'I can do better'.) I've had a few FWB that were great fun for a while there, but on reflection a couple of them probably didn't end as gracefully as they could have. One ended with one side wanting more, the other... I'm not really sure, but it got weird! Fortunately the friendships have recovered over time after the benefits ended.   I guess we live and learn from these experiences, and if I've picked anything up from it (not in that way - the doctor gave me the all clear!) it's be honest with yourself in terms of what you're looking for and why. As others have said, once you've thought about it, you need to ensure your partner(s) are on the same wavelength. I think Handmaiden and Polar_Bear_Grrr have got it right - attachments are normal and healthy. However, there are many different levels of attachment. If it's the kind where one side starts wanting more from the relationship, that's when it goes off kilter. In theory it's better to address it than let it descend, but that's easier said than done.   To the original poster Jazzxoxo, all I can really say is that when it's getting to the point where it's doing your head in, you need to address it because you're on a downward spiral. The more you obsess about it the more it will intensify your feelings. If he senses this he might also instinctively pull back, which will drive you even crazier!

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  RHP User

  13 years ago

  Sorry to say honey But it doesn't work out. It is fine for a while but then eventually one heart gets in the road and falls in love. After that it just gets awkwardand you get jealous and upset when your "friend" has to go back to their spouse or family, or even to their other friends, and it does 'do your head in'. So enjoy it while it lasts Frustrated xxxx

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