Getting advice or help?

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  RHP User

  13 years ago

  Would be to voice your concerns with your partner. Discussion with her is the best course of action. She may not like it at all and the relationship is over.OR she may not have an issue with you having discreet sex elsewhere. The way you are going now though it will ot be long before someone or something does tempt you. If you have never cheated on a partner before the guilt will drive you crazy until you do confess...then it is all over red rover anyway.

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  RHP User

  13 years ago

  It depends what you want out of life. Sex is easy to get it grows wild on here. Love and relationships are what keeps us sane, but sex is a powerful force and its addictive as hell. Anything that distorts you senses ie drugs, booze sexual addictions only become a problem if they are impacting on your life in a negative way. If you step into this rabbit hole, its going to be hard for you to get out of it again. Lets face it hon, nice warm new flesh, doing all the things that dirty girls love to do. That’s tempting as hell. You want it, you will crave it and it can undo you in the end. However if your smart and like a lot of men and women , you have to cover your arse, and to do that you have to PLAN your infidelity. I do understand your hunger so I am not to judge a person. I believe that not one person can fill all the needs of another. And 90 percent of sex is the chase, the excitement the sexual tension and being a bad bad boy..and some of us like the bad bad boys :) If your near the edge of temptation, go see a counsellor at relationships Australia. You will not be able to resist on your own.

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  RHP User

  13 years ago

  Firstly may I commend you on your honesty and desire to address what you consider a problem. That you are self aware enough to know that if you act on your desires..this could potentially hurt your partner and you care enough about her to acknowledge that… I totally agree with Fionabee, that the best option I believe is an open, honest and frank discussion with your partner about your fantasies, desires etc…all the time reinforcing to her your emotional commitment … you may be pleasantly surprised at her response…and if she is just as honest, she may share her fantasies, desires etc with you and I hope she does….a real relationship involves this kind of openness and trust. You could discover much about each other and this can be a highly erotic time for you both. However I cannot stress enough that this should take place when she is feeling secure and loved by you. All women respect honesty and frankness from a man given with a little tact and discretion so timing is everything. Also try and respect her responses and honour the fact that she may not be in tune with you….thats the risk you take with honesty, however everyone deserves to be heard… My relationship of 3 years ended recently not for the obvious reason of my partners constant cheating on me (which hurt) but because of his lies and deception and the fact that he treated me like an idiot (in that he thought I hadn’t noticed..trust me I did). It wasn’t the fact that he had sex with others that hurt (ok it did a bit) it was constant lies that went with it..but mostly because he didn’t have the balls to have a frank discussion with me about what he wanted etc…this had me questioning myself and raising all these self doubts within me…was I so unapproachable and was our relationship so shallow that he couldn’t discuss his inner most desires with me ? It’s taken a long time to realise that it was not my fault he cheated and lied – his kick was in fact the deception of it all…he loved the thrilled of almost being caught – because when we finally agreed to have a öpen relationship””- he stopped playing up…….the deception for me was devastating. If he lied to me about this, well what else did he lie to me about – (plenty as it turned out). If my partner had chosen to chat with me about his desires, fantasies etc, our relationship MAY have been saved. I am angry with him that he never gave me the chance to discover sides of him that he wanted to explore I(which we could have done together) and I wasn’t a mind reader so I didn’t know any different. As we were regular swingers, I believed that he was fulfilling his needs, honestly, in front of me with no deception. I was wrong….. So if you really feel the need to chat , then I strongly recommend a psychologis (kike tuscan Red has suggested at Relationships Australia) …but may I stress that your thoughts and feelings are nothing to be ashamed of..not at all..but the first person I would be talking to is your partner…after all, if she is the rite woman for you, then she will listen to you without judgement and discuss openly….time and her responses to your chat will tell if she really is the rite partner for you long term

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  contemplating1

  13 years ago

  Gee, I can relate to a lot of this....   I know everyone is different inside, wants, needs, reactions and the like....   As the girls suggest.....You need to sort it out now with your partner. (Choosing the appropriate moment.)   I do note you have a strong desire to "try to be a better person" for her...Reading your post again, what I am reading is that you are not a" bad" person, (or partner) just a person who has pretty typical wants and needs of a male, and a need to find a compatible mate. One would like to think in a successful relationship each partner will listen to each others needs, and try to work together to a resolution.... (Have you considered suggesting a sex counsellor?)   In my case, I ended up marrying someone I was emotionally attached to, but only had a low sex drive. My dna reads needing giving and receiving affection, touches, kisses n hugs, all which feeds the emotional drive.... In my X's case, her low drive, incl affection went to zero, she didn't see a problem.......She thought I was sick! My other dna issue is that I couldn't cheat......Guilt would have burnt me down. The resulting cocktail for me, of continual physical, emotional rejection and isolation, took a good understanding woman and time to recover from.....Honestly you don't want to go there!   I wish you well and hope it all turns out for the best, whatever that may be.......

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  Onlylivetwice

  13 years ago

  Hey there, good on you for confronting these thoughts rather than making the excuse of "irrisitable urges made me do it". Your life is always better when you take responsibility for your actions.Before you get too far ahead of yourself, you've got to do what you can to save this relationship becuase you write that you never want to lose her - so you must give it your all to fix the relationship, so you don't have regrets of not trying your best if it turns out not to work in the end.I resolved quite some time ago never to wonder what might have been if I'd put more effort in.If she has a minimal sex drive, it's likely that a full-on frank discussion is going to freak her out a bit and only increase the distance between you rather than bring the two of you together.Just take it one step at a time - start with a chat (not an argument or a complaint, but a chat) about the lack of sex between you both. Tell her you feel sexually seperated from her (if that's how you feel) and that you want to be together in all ways, not just some. You want to know and understand her intimately.Maybe she'll understand - you are a well-worded guy who can express himself and I'm sure she wants you to feel good, not bad. Many couples compromise together when it comes to sex and some have rediscovered (or discovered) their attraction together in this way. Mate, you have to try.Just save the chat about your 10-speed dildo with rubber-chicken attachment for another time. It's like playing a song on a guitar - you don't try to hit all the notes at once, you've got to find that rhythm and take her with you on the musical journey, okay?It may take some time, but if she's this important to you then dedicate the time.And whatever you choose to do, visualise your life in 5 years time and ask yourself honestly - is this what I truly want? You've got no-one to fool except yourself, so be really honest.If you can (and yes - you can), don't cheat. It hurts her dreadfully, it tears you apart before you realise it's happening to you, and you will forever wonder what the true toll was. Even a phonecall (or an sms!) right before you jump into bed with another woman is better than cheating, and there's no reason why you can't do that. If you care about her as much as you say, you owe her at least that honesty.So go forth, good man!! Stand tall and win the sexual heart of the woman you love! Win it with tenderness, understanding, caring and a great big rotating rubber dildo that plays Bee Gees disco! You can do it!! :)

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  RHP User

  13 years ago

  I want you bad! you sexy articulate guy. Now where is my suitcase to fly to Sydney? Words of wisdon kiddo

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  RHP User

  13 years ago

  Thank you for the mature responses to an issue that has been on my mind quite heavily of late. I am sure that it will take a few reads to absorb it all properly. I have faced this situation in a relationship immediately prior to this girl and the divide sexually was the anvil that broke the camels back. Its not that either of these women are bad people, in fact they have both been attractive with bubbly personalities but with a deep insecurity that has taken a long time to emerge. Thankfully this time round I have been able to scratch at the subject of sex drive but i'm not sure where it will lead to which is scary. Its still early days on that front so outright honesty about my thoughts may be unnecessarily destructive until we can discuss it further. The suggestion of counselling is well taken and I will quietly explore to help find my direction before opening any can of worms. Maybe logging in here will ultimately sooth my soul with your words and not in the pyhsical sense that i toyed with at the start. Thank you

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  RHP User

  13 years ago

  There are two people you need to be honest with - yourself and your partner. Talk about it. If your wife is honest she will tell you how she feels -if like SLK she'd like to discover your high sex drive personality you 're in lluck and will find some time to play with others... However, if like my wife she'd say she would prefer you to stay monogamous you need to make your choice - either completely forget your desires, or live a double life. The latest choice is exactly it - the last resort, but in the end some of us ended there... while periodically I bring up the issue with my wife and discuss it I will not deny my own identity, but I will not willingly hurt my family either. Difficult time, my feelings go out to you - when I started this few years back I knew exactly how gay people feel when the society expects them to be something they're not... Good luck! Joe

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  RHP User

  13 years ago

  Quoting 'fionabee' Would be to voice your concerns with your partner. Discussion with her is the best course of action. She may not like it at all and the relationship is over.OR she may not have an issue with you having discreet sex elsewhere. The way you are going now though it will ot be long before someone or something does tempt you. If you have never cheated on a partner before the guilt will drive you crazy until you do confess...then it is all over red rover anyway. Good on you Northern guy for reaching out before you do anything drastic, this not only shows that you love the lady you are with, but also that you have a code or a conscience. I believe and an others may argue that in order to truly love someone and have a successful relationship you have to have, trust, loyalty, communication, appreciation,consideration, honesty and respect. That being said I totally agree with Fiona you have considered her feelings by asking for help. So far you have been loyal to her in the "physical sense"because you respect her. The next step now is to communicate your concerns with her. As fiona said she will either not work towards a resolution or she will, either becoming more sexually active for you or opening up your relatonship. Regardless of what happens you would have made all the right moves to make things work. She can either appreciate you honesty and work towards it or not.....I hope this helps if only a bit. It must be really hard to be caught in a situation like this. all the best!

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