M50 F40
Have you 'come out' as a Swinger?
December 16 2015
Comments
-
ran2013
9 years ago
Hi guys. Yep we came out to a couple who we are very good friends with. It was a big call as we've heard horror stories of this where friendships were ruined but lucky for us they were totally cool with it and it hasn't changed a thing. I think you need to be 100 percent confident they are going to be cool with it before getting it out there though. Anyway, you'll soon see if they are real friends or not. All the best.
-
Paradisepair
9 years ago
Not to everyone but our closest friends. Probably about 12 in total. And some of our family too. There's been no backlash, maybe some gossiping to other mutual friends but nothing malicious. The pros... it'll help open lifestyles become more accepted, people might understand us a little better... Cons... I guess it could backfire if your friends weren't as openminded as ours. I (MrsPP) have a bunch of friends from the past who were very naughty, I've not told them because I don't want them to change their viewpoint on me... ie: hit on me...
-
Smilingwithfun
9 years ago
Why the need to tell so called vanilla friends? Unless you are attracted, why? You have a lot to lose & little to gain.
-
RHP User
9 years ago
We're not telling any vanilla friends. Not even the ones we recognise on RHP and we're careful to make sure they don't know us before we contact anyone. - Posted from rhpmobile
-
JohnAnn2227
9 years ago
Hi, We have had to with a few friends and have not had any negative reactions. One couple had seen us in the city one night when we were going to Couples Club and didn't really believe our story of what we were up to when they saw what I was wearing. They asked us a few weeks later if we were swingers. We didn't want to lie to them and we only confirmed what they had thought for a while evidently. We had to "come out" to my cousin who often baby sits for us when she helped me get up off the floor after falling down our stairs and she saw what I was wearing under my long coat. It was pretty obvious we were not going to a "normal" bar dressed as I was. Everyone we have come out to have not been judgemental but have had a lot of questions. Would we come out at work or to all our family? Hell no!Be careful,Ann & JohnXX
-
RHP User
9 years ago
I have however told a few new friends that I hook up for sex online, one surprised me and said she used to also hook up online lol so no problem at all. Another similar story, relaxed about her sexual self, so very comfortable talking to them, though only touched on it. I'd be very careful if any of your friends are work colleagues etc. That's entirely different and doesn't always end well. I usually only mention it if I have to, it's so hard to have a conversation with family or muggles when they ask what you've been up to? Lol weeeeeell on Tuesday ........ 😁😁 then on Friday I was gangied lol (okay okay a girl can dream)
-
DynamicCouple36
9 years ago
There would really be little advantage to telling your "vanilla friends" that you are swingers, unless of course you hope to be able to convince them to join in and play with you? The golden swinging rule, for us, is to keep our personal lives (friends, family etc) separate from our 'swinger' life, as allowing the lines to cross, could result in many problems. Your "vanilla friends" could react in one of two ways. 1. They could be accepting of this and not be judgemental of you, or allow this to impact on your friendship 2. They could not take it well, be disgusted or disappointed in you, and it could ruin the friendship. Even if they were accepting, and the news had no immediate impact on the friendship, this does not mean that days/months/years down the line there will not be negative consequences. Lets say for example you told them that you are swingers, that you even perhaps showed them your RHP profile and photos, and for some external reason, the friendship went pear shaped months later, and that they then went around telling your mutual friends that you are swingers /showing your mutual friends your RHP profile and photos.... this has happened to a few people we know. In one example, we played with a couple just once. She asked us to take some photos of her and her boyfriend in action, which we did and emailed them to her. She in turn emailed them to her boyfriend. Several months later they broke up and he did not take it very well. He ran off to her friends, her parents etc and showed them the photos, telling them she was a swinger and that she was bisexual. Much safer to keep what happens in the bedroom, in the bedroom, and to not involve friends and family .... You have very little to gain, but one hell of a lot to regret if things go pear shaped.
-
RHP User
9 years ago
are swingers some kind of illuminati?? I thought swingers were just normal people living life according to their personal ideals, beliefs, etc??? My friends all know about my membership here as they asked me where I was meeting people....they honestly couldn't give a toss what I was involved in... If they did, or if others do, then the question then needs to be asked....are/were they honestly your friends?? I've shared before about my mothers vitriolic response to my involvement here which was met with a simple statement similar to "you don't need to like how I am, you don't need to agree with what I do....that's my interests....so exactly how does it affect you??" - Posted from rhpmobile
-
LittleGiant
9 years ago
Why do you want to 'come out'? I see it more likely to create potential problems rather than have positive affects. Much as I don't need to know what my friends' favourite sex positions are, they don't need to know that I like to have multiple sex partners outside or within a relationship. I've told a few people about it - mainly because the conversations at the time meant either lie about it or open up about it - but it's certainly not something I throw out there willy nilly. I've never had 'retaliation' and responses have always been either positive ("I wish I could do that!") or curiosity ("how do you watch the person you love have sex with someone else without getting jealous? I could never do that!"). A lot of the time, trying to explain it is futile as they'll never 'get' it. So again, why do you want to tell people? What are the benefits of putting it out there?
-
RHP User
9 years ago
You are single (?) and male. Makes all the difference. How would all your friends react if you were married and going to orgies and dating other people? Wonder if your mates wives would view your wife with suspicion. Wonder if your mates would hit on your wife. Would that bother you?? I think there is a lot of misinformation and prejudice about swingers. Just my opinion.
-
RHP User
9 years ago
Maybe you would have threesomes with your friends? I had an FWB who would do that. Organise group sex with his mates and a few women he met online - actually through Red Hot Pie. The men didn't seem to worry about being naked or performing in front of each other. I found it curious actually, I can't imagine women would be so keen to do this with well established girlfriends.
-
RHP User
9 years ago
I have tried to talk to others about it and it always ends up with incredulity and me having to backtrack and say things like "nah only kidding" Their minds are blown and many then pepper you with more questions than you are comfortable answering. Guys don't really talk about that stuff much (well my guy mates anyways) So I tend to keep play separate from regular life and I wouldn't play in my regular life friends as it could upset the friendships.
-
RHP User
9 years ago
That says a lot about you as a decent person too, at least you're not bragging to your mates about your conquests. I think for some men, the 'sharing' is quite often confused with bragging where discretion goes out the window, so good for you for not being like that 👍
-
BacioCouple
9 years ago
We've only "come out" to one close friend.. and she's a single female who is quite adventurous anyway. Our 'regular' friends would die if they knew we did this, and frankly it's none of their business. We're happy keeping our two lives separate, although if one of our close friends showed some interest we'd consider being open with them.
-
CandDSwing
9 years ago
Thanks everyone for your comments and thoughts, It's an interesting topic that's for sure and all of you bring up valid points of view on the matter. It's great having a community here that allows us all to chat to weigh in on things in circles of people with similar view's on sexuality and life. Cheers to RHP I say! Cx
-
RHP User
9 years ago
I don't see how my marital status is even remotely relevant to how my friends perceive me. However I'll try to answer your questions with as much clarity as I can. If I were married....well, I was once. My mates disliked her immensely, as did she them. My mates said it once and once only that they disliked her but it was my bed and I had to lay in it. Which by the way is their acceptance of her....which is essentially my original core point. My friends accept that I'm not conventional and it's one of the things that they love about me....my willingness to be me. My willingness to flip people my middle finger and say "my life train is my invitation...fit in or fuck right off!!" And go about my business without shame... Would my friends wives judge?? Yep...they're mostly conservatives, but any partner on my arm and I on theirs, know that we need not anyone's blessing to engage in the activities that we would....because it's OUR life train!!! It's OURS way or the highway.....once again its core point of my original response.... Would my mates hit on my wife??? Fucken oath....but without intent, which makes it flirtatious banter....and my wife and I would be secure enough within our marriage to know that it's just how we are.....my mates also have morals...they don't just wanna stick their dick into any hole that's open...... however I'm sorry if your experiences have been much to the contrary to this.... To conclude my holier than thou type reply, my mates are my mates because we've chosen to be...we are there in bad times, and we all share the good, without them being as accepting as they are, we couldn't be mates....some might say I live in a perfect world, and how it must be "good to be me" but I say I live in a world where I choose my reality. I live in a world of choice.......I don't have many friends, in fact I could count my friends on about 2 hands....but I'd much rather have few quality friends, then a lot of friends that are only my friends out of convenience to them. - Posted from rhpmobile
-
RHP User
9 years ago
I disagree with a lot of that and I don't think it would occur that way at all - not for everybody. I think your view maybe a little naive even. Possibly this may depend on the circles people circulate in. But if it pans out for you well, that's great.
-
RHP User
9 years ago
Quite a few of our friends know what we get up to and quite frankly don't care. Mrs3 has told her sister, niece, Aunty and cousin that we "swing". They often babysit for us when we go to clubs or parties so it saves having to lie. Most of my friends are more curious than anything. We just found it easier to be truthful rather than always having to concoct stories about what we're doing etc. We don't tell them eactly what we get up to, but are happy to answer any general questions they have. Never know what may be lurking under their exterior lol.
-
RHP User
9 years ago
and I would suggest that in this instance, your reply is merely a projection of your previous experiences. Again, I'm sorry you've been unable to experience that, but it's a reality that's entirely possible. - Posted from rhpmobile
-
RHP User
9 years ago
case 1*Mrs girlguyavingfun told her sister when we first started this 10 years ago as she felt she needed to tell someone ,all was good for 2 years with her sister even opening a profile herself until her sister started to go out with a religious nut and he considered us sinners and even told mrs girlguyhavingfuns mother which as you could expect caused a massive stir even to this day her mother has acted different towards us case 2* about 12 months after we started before the episode with my sister in law we went out with vanilla friends and a lot of wine was consumed and we all ended up sitting in our friends Jacuzzi and things that normally would get talked about did get talked about and 1 thing led to another and ended up with as all playing .after that night the other couples female half woke up and regretted the whole thing but the husband loved it now the husband is always texting us both asking questions about what we have been up to etc. and things have never been the same
-
RHP User
9 years ago
Hi I'm Mary, I'm a swinger, married and have come out to one person. My real life is both RHP and vanilla and they coexist because it's how I want it. I don't go to work and say 'I fucked my husband real good last night etc etc' and similarly I wouldn't say 'my lover bent me over his couch and fucked me into oblivion'. Why does everyone need to know, what is the purpose? I'm not hiding it, I am discreet,mite just who I am, but I own it when I need to, too. The friend I have come out to, asked me and I responded honestly. I have had both positive and negative experiences but the comment element in all of those is me! I live my life differently to others, even my family has disowned me but it's their loss. I am who I am, like it or fuck off! I don't set expectations for others, I've set them for me and how I live my life and I choose it to be as honest to me as I can. I have been hit on by hubby's friends and I say as long as they don't mind if hubby watches, we're all good! Mary xx
-
RHP User
9 years ago
If you read other people's response you will see that it doesn't always end so well. I also find your reponse dismissive considering you most likely have not presented a girlfriend to your family and friends as a swinger partner and have no experience of this. I sincerely hope that you are respectful of any potential partners wishes if their opinion of this happens to differ from yours. I can't see any benefit to having a potential future mother In law knowing I met her son on a swingers site? And yes, people do judge you differently because suddenly you are defined by this description - swinger. Fine if you know people for a long time but your future partner will not have that benefit. Whether you agree or not, men and women can be judged quite differently at times whether you acknowledge this or not.
-
RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'Angel_Whisper' If you read other people's response you will see that it doesn't always end so well. I also find your reponse dismissive considering you most likely have not presented a girlfriend to your family and friends as a swinger partner and have no experience of this. I sincerely hope that you are respectful of any potential partners wishes if their opinion of this happens to differ from yours. I can't see any benefit to having a potential future mother In law knowing I met her son on a swingers site? And yes, people do judge you differently because suddenly you are defined by this description - swinger. Fine if you know people for a long time but your future partner will not have that benefit. Whether you agree or not, men and women can be judged quite differently at times whether you acknowledge this or not. This is true...but why care what others think of you? I don't. Couldn't care in the slightest if people have a different view of me or judge me. We are who we are...you don't like it, don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.
-
RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'Stirry' are swingers some kind of illuminati?? The freesexmasons? About 5 people in my life know about my lifestyle. Most others can't even fathom the idea I'm not straight.
-
madotara69
9 years ago
All of our friends, most of our family know what we get up too, in their own sense of mind and it's not because we told them all.. no we snuck into a dating site for swingers, picked someone from the back pages, the most likely furtherest away from anyone we knew and we know lots and lots of people, lots.. turned out he knew some of them and while at our place and lucky I had my wits about me, plus he disrespected Tara, women in general then by doing so and some of our friends who we care very much for, so I pulled up stumps, told him to fuck off, politely the first few times, oh it all ended up amicable, except he was a sweet talker and Tara had the shits with me, it was a hard time and not looking good for my actions because I couldn't put anything together at the time that he hadn't put the jealousy in place and I had to question myself 'am I jealous of this bloke?' then I thought to myself 'what of ?' no.. and it's the right and only thing to do or I am disrespecting Tara and our friends and so be it. It was a relief when we found out the bloke had been posting on his facebook Us, where he was and so everybody knows because someone said 'Who the fuck is Mado and Tara and someone said, Why? 'because this idiot is with them now and posting it blah blah blah. No one treats Tara out of sorts because of it, anyone who attempts to shade us in a dim light don't appear to get very far, our friends know us and what kind of people we are and that goes a long way when come times count. Much better than perhaps never knowing if I betrayed Tara's trust and acted out of a selfish jealous tantrum and embarrassed her of my own insecurities, she is my best mate and that I could never look myself in the mirror to see the man staring back from the glass as my friend. A blessing in disguise.. Mado Mado Tara xx
-
RHP User
9 years ago
Perhaps Angel your experiences as a swinger with you ex husband has coloured your view xxFreya
-
RHP User
9 years ago
Dismissive?? Yep. Judgemental?? Yep. Respectful?? Absolutely. Have I presented my married lover to my family and friends?? Once again you're correct, no I have not... But guess what?? I will have no shame in doing so as my family already know about how I met her, where I met her.....all with her consent, why wouldn't I seek out her consent?? After all that's a decision for US to make and not I..... Should I feel judged by my mother who has asked me "why can't you be more like your brothers, and be normal??" Fuck no....her judgement upon me as a person has no affect on me because I accept me.... I accept my likes... I accept my dislikes.... I accept that I'm not like all the rest of my family....I'm me... I accept that I cannot ever stop people judging me and comparing me to their moral compass.... But.... I choose for myself, how to manage my reaction to those who make the choice, to try and make me feel ashamed of who I am, what I like, and what I dislike. And I'll leave you with this thought, until your next reply.... No one can ever make a person feel shame that wasn't already there to begin with..... - Posted from rhpmobile
-
OkeyDoke45
9 years ago
G'day HotPieCpl, As a bisexual male I have posted this same response to various other similar forums on bi websites (i.e. men asking if and when they should come out). I always ask the question: why exactly do you feel the need to do this. There is a compulsion among many men who confront their gay or bi sexuality that they must tell the world about it. I often wonder why this is - what do they hope to gain? I personally do not care one jot what any of my friends/work colleagues etc do for kicks and thrills. Could not give two short shits. It is none of my business, and what I get up to for kicks is none of theirs. This whole ''I must shout from the rooftops what kind of sex I like" malarkey is a tad odd. You don't see straight couples suddenly announcing to a room full of people ''we love good old-fashioned sex with no-one but each other!". That's not to mention the possibility, as others have posted, of potentially awkward situations developing. What if you ''come out'' and find that couple friends start umming-and-aahing when you ask them over for dinner? It doesn't mean you want to have sex with them, but they may wonder. The inverse could also be true - couples stop asking you over for dinner/drinks/whatever. It is a possibility. There is a woman at my work, her and her husband are swingers and quite openly so. They are lovely people but other people (particularly couples) will not go to their place unless it is a barbecue-type-situation with other people. There's also a terrible thing that happens when this couple do have BBQ's - once some people start to leave everybody starts to leave. Nobody wants to be the last ones there, it's really sad as it's quite conspicuous. There can be consequences for a little too much honesty, in my opinion.
Boards
-
Hot Topics
Topics: 14361 Comments: 120840
-
Girls Ask
Topics: 1355 Comments: 14709
-
Guys Ask
Topics: 2425 Comments: 17234
-
Couples' Corner
Topics: 2405 Comments: 12737
-
Swingers Lifestyle
Topics: 794 Comments: 5154
-
Fetish & Fantasy
Topics: 1148 Comments: 6957
-
Hot Travel
Topics: 622 Comments: 2145
-
LGBT
Topics: 156 Comments: 1150
Forum help
-
Something related with that
-
Going somewhere & want to hook up?
-
Hasn't that topic been posted before?
RHP's popular dating tool
-
Where the heck did that topic go?
Discover what RHP is doing offline
-
RHP member's RL secrets
reply
like
Share