M43
How do you act in a relationship?
July 21 2015
Comments
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RHP User
9 years ago
When you are in a full on relationship it is so easy to become subsumed by the other...two is just a different dynamic to one...so now Simplelife that you are aware of the potential for this happening you can keep a piece of yourself just for you...xxFreya
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RHP User
9 years ago
don't ever allow the internal flame of you ever be compromised by someone else.....be it a romantic or platonic relationship... It's toxic as fuck 😉 - Posted from rhpmobile
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nattyocean
9 years ago
Yes absolutely and completely didn't realise it was happening in my marriage. I am enjoying and so thankful for beginning to reconnect, find myself again, and just develop as a person. My previous relationship was very toxic although outwardly socially my ex was "the nice guy" he was manipulative, selfish and lacked confidence which translated into a range of abuses that are internal and take a few years to show externally. Also I'm a fixer and so I thought I could help him but thankfully I realised the damage being done, and that I was extremely unhappy (so so sad inside) and so picked myself up and left him. 10 months on only 2 days ago my mum grabbed me and said how happy she was with where I am, and how I am blossoming again into the vivacious, free spirit she knows me as. And another aunty sent me a message to say how proud of me she was with the path I am now travelling (I've moved towns, changing careers, back at uni) and do happy for me. I know now that I can't let what happened, be my reality ever again. But also wouldn't change it because I am now the person I am because of what's happened. I had a friend only this week going through some pretty big stuff and I was able to offer some helpful advice because of my past and my reflections on my path. Xx Natty - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
myself again after being in a relationship for 15 years. Now if others don't like who I am they can always walk away, if I haven't told them to piss off first!
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Mischeviouslad
9 years ago
SURE... you want to get to know someone and spend time with them... ... but they were interested in you because of you.... and everything you do when you're also NOT with them. Living in someones pocket, and making them your entire life.... never works out for the best. Give someone the greatest gift of all.... that gift of missing you.
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AnnieWhichway
9 years ago
The male half of me was consumed in relationships. I (Annie) was left in my own lonely world for the most parts of 30 years. Now im unravelling years of despair to try and salvage a life for myself for the time thats left. Trying again to be the real me that i once was. Not easy and plenty of self doubts but its now or never. But i totally understand how the true self can be overpowered by what seems right at the time. Some people surrender and go through their entire life subduing themselves for others. That gives me aome strength and determination to do it and find the inner peace. I've seen some of that inner peace of late and its the greatest feeling. So there's a light at the end of the road i can aim for. But fuck, this road has got so many potholes and bog holes. I'll fucking crawl if i have to. But i need to get there. Annie xx
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RHP User
9 years ago
Neil Young said about the song heart of gold. "This song put me in the middle of the road. Traveling there soon became a bore so I headed for the ditch. A rougher ride but I saw more interesting people there." - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
I'm actually in the wrong relationship, I know this but it is so so hard when you have children that adore your partner (not their Dad). I want out but do not want to put my children through the heartbreak. I feel stuck as I know I would come to life again being single and free.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Where we fall down. Communication. It's never our partners fault. It's ours for not communicating our needs, our boundaries etc and making sure we MAINTAIN the communication... And caring for ourselves. We need training in this. Most of us lack the skill. Or we just stop being so desperate and decide that we are enough for ourselves. Open that door and walk out. Don't stay in a relationship for the kids ... Don't get into another one If you still have kids... Not fair on them. Work on ourselves - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
Nattyocean isn't it amazing when you and your family and friends start to recognise YOU again? Sunrise I was where you are and I eventually chose my own happiness. I knew my children would be devastated and I felt like I was being so selfish but it's nearly two years since I left my ex. My children got over it and I'm happy. You deserve to be happy. You owe it to yourself! I also know that if my partner was unhappy being with me I would want to know. I isolated myself a lot in my most recent relationship but that is just part of my personality. It's probably not always a good thing but I've never needed to surround myself with people.
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cleopatrababe
9 years ago
Really admire you and sll you have been through ..life throws shit at you for a reason ..its about learning the lessons .hang in there there are rainbows and you will find the gold 😊😊😊 - Posted from rhpmobile
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Missb4u
9 years ago
completely and utterly lost myself in a relationship and it was very very toxic. I finally got out but that took me 2 years to leave and then I spent a year finding me and rebuilding myself. I watched my kids blossom into happy centered children once I was happy the change in them was dramatic. I've learnt heaps and now I don't feel the need to change or be something I'm not and I don't encourage the total submersion that happens at the beginning of relationships when the feelings are so intense. By doing this I no longer lose me. there's this saying I love which has become my mantra start how you want it to continue
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RHP User
9 years ago
...except I'm only just beginning down that path of breaking free. He changed me in ways I never imagined possible (well, I allowed him to do this inadvertently) and had chased away anything I held dear and close to me, friends included. Lucky for me I've had my work to keep me focused otherwise I'd be checking into the looney bin, lol, but I'm staying strong to my conviction to finally leave such a toxic and soul destroying marriage. I'm just starting to rediscover who I am and am beginning to be hopeful for the journey ahead :-) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
'Time after time"......... I've allowed myself to morph, change in the past, and have lost me in couple of past relationships. It will never, ever happen again. If you don't like me, my friends, my family and my values; if you think it's ok to then set out about making me into your type of women so, I'm just a little bit more reserved, run after you like a golden retriever, can I just be a bit thinner, just be a little bit more focused, unfocused, organised or disorgansied or just be a little bit more like the something you desire of the the perfect image (albeit totally unrealistic image) sitting in your head, you will be chased out of my door so fast it isn't funny. I may even need to bite this man's ankles as he runs fretfully up the lane-way, making his speedy escape. IT IS CLEAR I SHOULD NOT BE WITH YOU. You should run quickly so that you can go and find this absolutely fantastic beautiful girl, who is NOT ME! These people are always the ones to say, "I love you, but......" Love it seems is always conditional. It seems unconditional love is only to be found in creatures with fur and four paws!
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him_and_me
9 years ago
I really hate reading or hearing some of these threads/responses. I realise that there are many relationships that don't work, but to hear so many responses calling their relationship "toxic" is really very sad. I wish the best for you all. I also recall a thread about "Tainted love" or something similar from a week or two ago where the OP said she was disheartened by the lying, cheating or attitude of a select few from here. Again... I find that really sad that people feel that way. While some people's actions may give you a reason to question relationships, I hope like hell it doesn't scare you off them all together! I expect every relationship you have will change you to some degree. In my opinion, some level of compromise is essential for a healthy relationship. That doesn't mean rolling over or succumbing to whatever your partner wants...but understanding that you won't always see eye to eye...and that it is still ok. I think honesty, a genuine appreciation for and love of your partner and open lines of communication are essential. Also, as much as you can, discuss issues rather than raise voices or let emotions get too heated...especially when kids are in ear shot. Mrs him_and_me is out of town at the moment and I was telling this to a workmate the other day. He told me I was lucky, I told him that no...I actually love and miss her. I think that the idea of things like telling bucks/hens that life is over once the get married is dreadful. It can become a self fulfilling prophecy where internally people can think that when trouble starts...I knew it would turn out like this anyway...everyone told me it would. We should all aim to stop this mindset. I really do hope all of you who have experienced "toxic" relationships or have been tainted in someway by others behaviours aren't put off. You by no means NEED a relationship...but if you want one, they aren't all bad. In fact they can be freaking amazing! Life is too short to live it in misery...so strive for happiness and work like hell for that in your life I say. As some wise bloke once said....because your worth it ;) Love youse all. Him - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
At the end of the day ..your children will respect you for making the choice of your own happiness..u can't sacrifice your own happiness for the rest of your life for the sake of your children ? It's madness, your children would be far happier to see you happy and that happiness will vibrate onto them. Get out while you can, you deserve to be with someone you truly want!
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RHP User
9 years ago
This is called codependance and enmeshment...you might want too look them up and work on it. You should be able to be in a relationship without loosing yourself and your friends and interests
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RHP User
9 years ago
he's a keeper - Posted from rhpmobile
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AnnieWhichway
9 years ago
My father stayed with my mother for the sake of the children. All it did was make our early years walking on egg shells and in the attempt of making us kids happy resulted in at least one (me) bearing the scars for a long time and maybe a lifetime of therapy. Cant make others happy if you aren't.
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On_Safari
9 years ago
I am who I am You cannot change me so please do not try So let up with the criticisms, put downs and attempts to make me fit your “box” for me Face it, it is easier for you just to accept me as I am than to work at making me who you want me to be Of course you do not have to agree with what I say or do Just accept me as the human I am I am weak, have sinned, failed and have made many mistakes in my life Hey, that’s what makes me the “unique me” that I am I will never be perfect, ideal or the “image” you want for me Accept me for who I am as I accept you for who you are Let’s have fun together and allow our “real selves” the freedom to be “us” We can be a team of unconditional mutual love and acceptance if you relax and let it happen
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RHP User
9 years ago
My first 'serious' relationship was like this. I gave up everything. But it wasn't her fault at all, we just loved each other and didn't know what to do with that love. I guess that's part of being young - true love is romanticised and you are led to believe that love is some unreachable star that can never be caught again. I am believer that everyone has millions of not billions of people they can share true love with - as an adult you must learn from those early heartbreaks. Thus, I strongly believe it's pretty unreasonable to say it is wrong to give things up in a relationship. 1) It is your choice how much you give up. If you decide to neglect family or friends than that is your decision, even if you feel pressured to do so. Most of the time that 'pressure' is coming from yourself. Yes, the person that loves you wants to spend every minute with you - but for every person that falls in love with you, that won't change. 2) Giving things up is natural when you are in a relationship because being in a relationship takes initiative and work. If you love someone, taking initiative should be enjoyable (.. most of the time). If your relationship is beginning to manifest into a depressing sewer dump - than as an adult you must end it, and end it quickly. If you don't, than A) you're a pussy B) falling into the trap, that so many people fall into, C) all of the above.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Been in a couple, after the end of my last long term relationship. I came to the conclusion that it takes 2 to tango. You yourself are just as responsible for the outcome as your partner. No I'm not victim blaming (abusive relationships a side). I just mean to say."If you let someone treat you with disrespect. You share some of the blame". When I first split with my ex I had never felt so alone in my whole life. Luckily I had a lot of friends, more than I thought . Who helped me realise, I'm good person and deserve to be happy. My current partner was kind of confused with my out look at first . She thought I was indifferent to our relationship. I'm not of course. I'm very committed. I just wont lose my self in a relationship again and I wont let my partner either. Not saying I don't comprise or "it's my way or the highway ".I'm just clinical when issues come up and try to be less emotional. Easier said than done because I tend to be a very emotional person. When I feel I'm getting to upset ie.angry. I walk away. Not physically walk away just tell her "let's talk about this later after we/I've calmed down". It seems to be working for us. So hopefully it keeps working. - Posted from rhpmobile
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madotara69
9 years ago
I just don't get it. If you fall for someone, then isn't it because of who they are to begin with. Why would anyone want to change that. Isn't a relationship about enjoying the differences with each other? We have friends we have not seen in years, yet if we see them tomorrow it's just like seeing them yesterday, if you know what I mean. The most important thing is that we remain friends throughout our relationship, that takes maintenance with keeping that relationship as the centre of all else around us ? Mado Mado Tara xx
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