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How do you overcome the feelings that go along side an open relationship

August 20 2013

My partner and I met while he was in a relationship. I was single with a primary partner who was also in a relationship with another woman. I was having a fabulous time swinging and sharing sexual adventures with select people. I would say I made up for my lost youth. When I met my now partner he truly swept me off my feet, it was the last thing I was expecting. However I thought I would go with the feelings. I stressed in the beginning that I didn't want a conventional relationship, especially since I had been married, then had a long term relationship after that. I also didn't want to live with anyone again or feel tied down. After we spent time together and the bond grew, I became comforted in my feelings. The fear I had of doing things conventionally again seeped away. He asked me to be monogamous fairy early on. At first I was really reluctant as I feared it so. However after much deliberation I decided to agree and the rest is history. He left his partner some months later and moved in with me. Not full term, as a temporary agreement until he decides what he wants. We have both worked hard on making sure we are meeting our needs and each others. Doing whatever it takes to make sure neither of us feel lack or discomfort. We have bonded a lot over this time and we have very deep feelings for each other and all my fears are no longer valid. We have an absolutely fabulous sex life which is full of variety and adventure. The other day I found that he had become active again on his single account. This wasn't what upset me it was that he didn't share it with me. I have always been very adamant that I do not care what you need to do to develop yourself, just be open and honest about your needs and desires. When I confronted him with it he told me why he was doing it, and fair enough for the reasoning. I processed it for a few days and it has been tough to swallow. The dishonesty mostly because I hate secrecy. I came back to him a few days later and asked him to make a choice. I asked him to consider an open relationship with me. One in which we can both have our needs met with this excitement. We had other options too, however this one seemed to be the only answer for me, that made sense and seemed fair. He said he doesn't want to have sex with others he just wants to be able to flirt and feel desired. This is fulfilling a lack within him. I understand this as I know his insecurities well. However there will be sex, this is only realistic. Now here is my question.......how do you process the feelings of not knowing what is truly happening. Not knowing whether the other partner is being completely open and honest about their outside experiences.

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RHP User

11 years ago

So here is a man who clearly can't be monogamous but expects it from you .I smell a rat. To say he just needs to "feel desired" by other women because of his insecurities is a crock of shite .There are other ways to work on that stuff. Counselling for instance. My opinion is its controlling and emotionally abusive. If he won't agree to you playing also , clearly this relationship will never be equal. Sorry OP , I feel your pain and you are concerned for a reason. He has broken your trust. I don't think this guy is cut out for monogamy , so his expectation that you should be is just wrong. Stand your ground !

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RHP User

11 years ago

So he had an affair with you whilst in a committed relationship. Is that right? So he lied to his first partner, and now he is lying to you. About something like this as well. Obviously we only know part of the story so it is difficult to make a judgement call.... However lying about being online talking to women. That would/could be a deal breaker for me. I mean, you should both be in the throws of a new relationship, not already looking for ways to cheat. Proceed with caution!! Wish you all the best. xx

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chevtrek

11 years ago

More like a skunk and user.

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Wildgal4u

11 years ago

I am going through something very similar at the moment (long story to go into) suffice to say that I am struggling to process those feelings of the unknown as well. One minute I have accepted the situation and feel ok about it, the something happens to contradict everything I have been told. I am going to go with my gut on this one as I feel that past behaviour is the best indication of future behaviour. You need honesty from the beginning regardless of the situation and a knowing of where you stand, otherwise you will always second guess yourself and the situation and sometimes the more you overthink something the worse it gets.......go with your heart and listen to your gut feeling. Only you know whats best for YOU. Here is hoping for a happy ending for you xx

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RHP User

11 years ago

Simply once a lying player always a lying player?? My x wld lie bout everything yet cld have enjoyed the swinging life with my openly and honestly... Just don't understand y peeps talk shit

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Mischeviouslad

11 years ago

Eject!!!! Or another..... (his) hypocrisy. DG

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RHP User

11 years ago

1. He was in a committed relationship when he met you and that did not end very well for his ex, did it?. 2. Do you think this may be history repeating itself again? 3. If he was just looking for attention, to feel desirable to other women, don't you think he would have been up front with you? Any person, that creates/ reactivates a profile simply because they need to feel wanted by other women is not a committed man - don't you think? 4. Without trust and respect, there is no relationship/friendship. 5. I can guarantee there would be another few hundred guys on this site, that would be more than happy with you and just you.

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RHP User

11 years ago

Thanks for a great topic. I am watching with interest.Jemmma, great post, *like*At the end of the day "gut" is usually proven right.

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RHP User

11 years ago

Did his previous partner know about you? If not, you know all you need about how he regards honesty. You deserve better.

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RHP User

11 years ago

a relationship that starts on lies doesn't end too well because the standards set early makes the lying seem ok. been through that a few times now and the deceit and lies don't stop unfortunately.

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Cheekyarses

11 years ago

Does a leopard ever change their spots??? He lied to his first partner, of course he will lie to you. It is easier to tell you 98% of the truth n leave the other 2% out!!

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RHP User

11 years ago

In this instance, do not get a return but a one way, to that place called move on.There is enough info that's been posted as replies for you to do what you know you ought to. When you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.Keep smiling

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RHP User

11 years ago

very well written thread, and here is my response... you know he isn't being completely honest and open and this could be the reason why... many men secretly enjoy deceit in a relationship, not with the aim of hurting their partner, but because having sexual experiences which are considered 'wrong' or 'taboo' outside their stable relationship can trigger a chemical release often absent during sex with their regular partner. it is a high and even though monogamous relationships are human nature, being monogamous with one person certainly is not. I agree with you completely that an open relationship is the only reasonable solution, but if it is this high that he is seeking, then deceit and dishonesty will go hand in hand. remember, he was in a relationship when you both came together and now it seems that you are unfortunately having to deal with a similar situation. one of the biggest mistakes people make is that 'the buck stops with them'. lots of luck dealing with this chris xxx

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sples2

11 years ago

Well Prendebony I hate to say it but what goes around sometimes comes around. You see the way you started your relationship is the way it's heading except now your on the other side. You would be feeling the insecurity and distrust that comes with the lies cultivated by lies in the beginning. Will he change who knows, I guess talking, talking and talking will tell over time if you both feel it's worth the fight. If not then is it love you are asking him for or just someone to share the good times with. Not an easy one to answer and more confusing when it wasn't clearly defined at the beginning as it seems

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RHP User

11 years ago

This is a lifestyle you can't live without trust imo. It sounds as though he has broken that bond. The true question is are you ever going to be able to trust him again and would he be worthy of your trust.If I did not have trust or if my partner betrayed that trust the lifestyle would end and our marriage would be in jeopardy.It sounds like you are very open and willing to consider all options much like my partner. There are certain things I won't do (like play alone) but knowing my partner trusts me to play alone if I wanted to is a good feeling and I PERSONALLY would never betray that trust because I would never get that level of trust and respect back.So sorry this has happened to you and hope you find the best resolution for YOU.

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RHP User

11 years ago

RUN

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RHP User

11 years ago

There are similarities in parts of your story OP, and parts of mine. I recently discovered that an ex had opened a singles profile on an adult site when we were together, without telling me. I would have sworn black and blue our relationship was completely honest, and this discovery has been eye-opening. What does it mean? It means he lied. Would I have been OK with him having the profile, if he'd told me? Absolutely. Am I OK being in a relationship with a liar? Absolutely not. Life is about choices - sure your partner might have reasons for opening his profile, but are they more important to him than the relationship he's been building with you? Because ultimately that's what's at risk, and if he's happy to take the risk perhaps that tells you something significant. Grown-ups understand the consequences of their choices, and I'm sure he understood the potential consequences of his. Interesting that he made it anyway.

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RHP User

11 years ago

Trust is a cornerstone of a relationship. It is automatically there to give the foundation integrity..Trust can be broken through a lack of integrity by either partner..I assert your relationship with him has lost its stability..Reason as you may. for as long as it takes, to realize that his corruption may erode all possibility for you both.

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RHP User

11 years ago

I think it depends on what you actually mean by process when you ask "how do you process the feelings of not knowing what is truly happening. Not knowing whether the other partner is being completely open and honest about their outside experience" You have to work with what you do know ... which is that the other partner is NOT being completely honest about their outside experience and because of this you cannot reliably know what is truly happening. The question is can you accept not knowing what is going on .... because it appears you can't and don't.All roads lead to Rome. It is quite obvious from an outside vantage point and the consistency of the advice given so far reflects what the obvious response be ... alas love is involved and it can be blind.If you decide you want to try and make it work I think your only choice is to tell the ungrateful sod that as far as you're concerned the relationship is open again and that you not going to volunteer what you are up to - even if you have no intention of doing anything. It will of course be a hollow replica of what you once had... or thought you had ?I have to say that from what you've shared it appears to me that there is no going back. The trust has been broken and in an open relationship - as stated previously by those that know - it is everything.The fact that he suggested the monogamy, you made a sacrifice and agreed to it, then he gets caught out threatening if not betraying it indicates a double standard and controlling tendencies - ominous warning. The upside ... a woman of your comprehension and beauty will have no problem finding a better man who would value your voluntary gift of monogamy highly and treat it with the respect it deserves.

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How do you overcome the feelings that go along side an open relationship

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