M45
How does a socially uncomfortable guy get so much as a coffee date?
August 04 2013
Comments
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wingman2014
11 years ago
I was in a very similar situation to you when I started out here 9 months ago. I had no idea how all this works , I was well out of my depth. Now I have female friends everywhere , not for sex necessarily but real friends that ask and give advice if needed or just have a laugh together , it depends on what you are looking for . I never used to get any interest on my profile at all . I couldn't work out why ? But eventually I found the key . I read your profile and it is good , so no probs there. You need to follow the forum threads, not to comment on all of them. Just a few here and there . Just to agree or give your experiences on a topic...don't go into controversial stuff .. That will just get you labelled some way. My adding your comments , people will see you out there and start to have a look at your profile . If you notice a lady has looked at it more than twice , send her a flirt saying " if I sent you a message would you reply?". If they do just take your time get to know then , friend them if it's going well , they have friends and a network will start to build and snowball from there . It has worked for me maybe it will work for you too. Good luck Wingman- Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
would prevent many from chatting with you. What's the big deal if we have kids?
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RHP User
11 years ago
To your question. I share the impediment in a big way.I can give a talk, cold and unprepared to a hostile audience and generally get at least some of them on side, laughing, and a bit grateful.I give good email, write good documents, verbal spar, all of that.But I cannot make small talk or work a room with a gun to my head. I have no idea what the answer is; I suspect it is simply hoping someone will be charitable.
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thewinchester
11 years ago
Kids are great paintme, but I just don't feel that I'm in a place where I'd be strong enough to become involved with a single women with kids. It's why I'm upfront about it. Rather leave that for guys more capable and/or ready out of respect and consideration.
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RHP User
11 years ago
How's it going with all that social complexity? The religion is in the past so leave it there where it belongs my friend..Good on you for venting there and some women really dig a guy so humble and genuine. .On here its the erotic experience between adults and whether the actual experience in real time from meeting on here eventuates... can and does happen... but frequency of encounters may depend largely on your sex-appeal and mode for turning a message/email from a girl into a meet asap before the chance is missed by lengthy pleasantry's.
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Mischeviouslad
11 years ago
IF you are seen to be an interesting and attractive person in the world beyond RHP.... where you dpend the vast majority of your life.... ..... and your behaviour IN RHP is congruous with that... .... then there's not going to be a great deal of difference between the two, right! In fact, understanding attraction, and being an interesting, confident and bold social man in public where most of the women of the world are actually found, will deliver the experiences you might expect a site like this to offer far more easily -.... but don't tell RHP admin I said that ;-) lol It's the expectations, and the behaviour most guys think they can exhibit because its an adult site... which are the downfall of most guys in here. DG- Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
Some men don't feel comfortable seeing a woman with kids. I used to run at the thought of kids. Until I had my own. So I don't think it's a personal thing aimed at mothers, but more acknowledgement of what he can't/doesn't/won't be able to feel comfortable with. No different really to the no smoking policy that is becoming a prerequisite for meeting. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
Since when did women use logic ? While using logic serves us well in most areas of our lives ... understanding women is not one of them.Logic would dictate that a woman who puts up some saucy photos of herself on the internet and writes "Horny and in need of attention NOW!" would be receptive to a direct approach offering some attention .... as you know from experience the opposite is true ? Forget logic.Good advice from Mischievouslad and Wingman IMO. It takes time and effort for the guys.
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RHP User
11 years ago
You means it's the same as the real world 😎 OP, I've found, if you're comfortable in you're own skin, women will respond to the person you are. Sure, some guys are arseholes and manage to hide it for awhile but most women will work that out quick smart. If you are, at heart, a good person, it will come through in your conversation with her. You don't have to be able to work a crowd, just show her the person you are. As far as the ' no kids' thing goes, I don't say that in my profile as I don't expect to be that involved with the ladies I meet on here. I have made a few friends on here that have younger children, if they introduced me to their kids...... The hills wouldn't be far enough away. I'm not going to be someone's new daddy. 😞
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Mischeviouslad
11 years ago
Logic tells a man that female profiles that say that are more than likely fake. Or it should! But the volume of comment by guys about being ignored by these and other profiles says the alarm bells are ignored in favour of the photo or template profile So criticizing women's lack of logic compared to men's isn't so accurate when they're running on 98% testosterone. ;-) lol DG- Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'Copernikiss' Since when did women use logic ? While using logic serves us well in most areas of our lives ... understanding women is not one of them.Logic would dictate that a woman who puts up some saucy photos of herself on the internet and writes "Horny and in need of attention NOW!" would be receptive to a direct approach offering some attention .... as you know from experience the opposite is true ? Forget logic.Good advice from Mischievouslad and Wingman IMO. It takes time and effort for the guys. If a woman puts up her pictures, as I do , all saucy and hot I do it for several reasons logic is perception only Dr Spockthis does not mean that I will fuck EVERY SINGL guy that asks me. I am advertising the goods, as do most of us here including you.naked pictures does not mean fuck me nowit means you can have a tug in the privacy of your own lounge room.guys put up how they will do blahhh blahhh bluhh blahs yet their mouth never goes south of the boarder. and you say we are sending mixed messages.....you just about have to draw a freaking map to it and maybe stick a bottle of bear and a burger down there for them to eat.... so not only women are into the false advertisingLady T T as in Tramp.....and Opits a numbers game that simple, no wait aint numbers supposed to be logical?
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RHP User
11 years ago
How does a socially uncomfortable guy get so much as a coffee date? Easy... be yourself, be courteous, ask nicely and if rejected take rejection with grace and move on.I used to suffer from what the doctor called Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD - Google it)... didn't get anything to help with it, just decided one day that it didn't matter if someone liked me in the short time we meet as they would probably forget all about me by the next day. After many many "Next's" I discovered that being myself was enough to make me happy and to hell with anyone who doesn't like me. Strangely the SAD faded and I started to make the best friends of my life after that.So the lesson is, Be Yourself and one day you'll get over the nerves and it will get easier.
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thewinchester
11 years ago
So much to read, thanks all. Might take me a little while to get through :)
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RHP User
11 years ago
...Not the end result.
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RHP User
11 years ago
I found your profile quirky and charming.....you have much better pics than your profile pic,loose the hat and sunnies. Not all women are looking for super confident men,but it will take time perhaps to find them. Just be yourself and ask women about themselves.A big mistake that many men make is to witter on and on and on about them...HAVE A CONVERSATION... and don't just say''So Jenny/Janice/Helen/Tanisha etc tell me about you''....and RELAX,afertal what is the worst thing that can happen..you don't have a connection and then it's the RHP mantra...NEXT
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RHP User
11 years ago
did you wake up with your grumpy pants on that morning?Did she scramble the bacon and roast the eggs? Did she make the coffee in the teapot?.....silly illogical us women
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RHP User
11 years ago
Social interactions are fun! Maybe you think that or maybe you don't but it really helps the headspace if you can think positive to begin with and relax. Smile, be engaging, talk about the other person (but don't be evasive about yourself or it seems dodgy) and realise that honesty isn't always the best policy (ie. there are some situations in which a difference of opinion is better left unsaid). I guess its about enjoying the situation, which then brings the confidence that you CAN do i. I've transformed from someone who was really quite nervous on first dates and in social situations to looking forward to these things because I have changed the approach from fear to excitement about the potential, with keeping an open mind. Hope this helps, self belief and understanding will help you! Jay.
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RHP User
11 years ago
ps. what I mean about the practice is how I changed my attitude and therefore experiences. If it scares you to talk to new people then that's what you need to do to get over the fear. Practice doesn't make perfect but it makes you more comfortable, and that is what the other people you interact with will find attractive.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'Lady_Tuscan' Quoting 'Copernikiss' logic is perception only Dr SpockLady T I resemble that remark Lady T !My reply was directed at the OP with humour intended .. referring to the well known colloquial "women and logic" meme ?Didn't mean for your knickers to get all tied in a knot :( Perhaps a little Spock wisdom is in order After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true. Quoting 'Freya77' did you wake up with your grumpy pants on that morning?Did she scramble the bacon and roast the eggs? Did she make the coffee in the teapot?.....silly illogical us women She being the cat's mother I have no idea what you are talking about Freya ? Making light of women's seemingly illogical approach at times (from a male perspective) is hardly insulting or derogatory ?? Spock has relevant quote ... may it cheer you up :)"Your illogical approach does have its advantages on occasion, Captain."whuchutalkingabout ? You have me all wrong I'm afraid but I will take this opportunity for a cheap plug disguised as a defensive retort I'm the guy that brings you breakfast in bed ... after building the chicken coupe to provide you with fresh eggs then hunting, slaughtering and butchering the pig to ensure only the finest cuts of bacon ... so there !
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RHP User
11 years ago
It all depends on your upbringing, my parents always expected a conversation and when we were at events to talk to people. Just sort of gotta relax and just say hi to someone and follow it up with a question about why they are here. I had an experience where I went to an engagement party and only Knew the 2 getting married and the parents. So I sat at a table with people around my age and just asked how everyone was going and how they know the them. By the end of the night we became the drinking table talking about crap, 2 girls were at the table one was hot and the other cute and I offered to take them home and they offered me inside. I had a girlfriend then and declined due to moral reasons and then went home and cried in the fetal position :( Just relax and realize it doesn't matter if they like you or not just don't be a jerk and listen to people. I have a few friends who are socially awkward and bring up a lot of off topic conversations, avoid those. Alcohol also helps
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RHP User
11 years ago
honestly if you expecting to find the love of your life online you better get that cave decked out and furnished. use the net as a tool to be used and not the only thing to go to. I have the same issue as you, always been a shy kid and I wont go into the childhood dramas but basically it comes down to social anxiety, almost a phobia but not quite so. on this site im pretty sure the men outnumber the women about 20 to 1 and a...large...majority are to the point about what they want so naturally women are pretty en guarde about communication on this. there isn't an easy way to overcome the problems you face. you need to face your personal fears and just do it. you see a woman u like in the street then u gotta introduce yourself. You may get rejected, that's the basic fear but you do it enough and after a while you at least don't fear to ask the question. The absolute worst a woman will do to you is say no, and you may be shocked that, if u are just being yourself, how often they say yes or just respond to you. that's all you can be dude, yourself and face that fear
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