F51
How to deal with a cheat
February 17 2013
Comments
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RHP User
12 years ago
So naturally Im coming from my own perspective and experience To me its irrelevant which sex he is cheating with you on.....male or female..cheating is cheating However the first thing I would be doing is clarifying once and for all that he is cheating - you say you found a message on his phone - I have to assume then that you are also doing the wrong thing by checking his phone - his entitiled to his privacy (dumb ass should have deleted his messages... but I digress).. I think you should be totally honest and confront him about the message you have viewed and try and discuss it calmly/rationally - also admitting that you (MAY) be a snoop as well which is not nice either - basically your both being dishonest with each other on some level and theres not a lot of trust on either side, so really what hope is there ???..but again I digress If he coughs up and admits his playing around (BTW few do this till they are caught red handed) then the two of you must decide together where the relationship is now gonna go from here and what compormises you are both prepared to make (eg: open relationship for instance) in others words you need to renegotiate your "contract" with each other..not necessarily a bad thing and go it from there...........note: he may deny his playing around..............and perhaps his not........this is a fact that needs to be established one way or another asap... Remember this though: You get what you settle for...and fundatmentally people do not change....but ultimately only you (and to a point) he can decide how you want this to pan out..and what you are prepared to settle for Your second issue is one I strongly relate to as my ex used to bring his "ladies" back to OUR home..........this infuriated me beyond belief...firstly cause the ladies had access to every area of my personal life, (bedroom, bathroom) etc and that felt like rape - a violation of my privacy and two cause my home I regarded was my refuge from the world..where I could come home, slam the door shut on the world and be a relaxed me..when I found the ex had done this to me...IMHO it was byeond cruel and a huge dealbreaker..............I sold the house....... At the end of the day OP.,,..only YOU can decide what is best for you....................but if he is playing around and bringing his conquests home (YOUR JOINT HOME) then sorry, but his not respecting you, your relationship, your previous agreements or your sanctuary ...and that, in my opinion, is kick to the kerb material I wish you all the best with this one OP
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RHP User
12 years ago
But am a little curious why your profile says you're single. Do you still want to be with this guy? DG is right too in saying that once you answer that question, the others will become easier. Good luck.
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RHP User
12 years ago
genuine question.We have a great friendship and that is something neither of us wants to loose. everything else is fine. BUT i guess i have a choice of ignore the behavior - suck it up or confont it and chance loosing everything
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RHP User
12 years ago
*sigh*
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Cheekyarses
12 years ago
Great topic! Very interested in read ppls replies to this
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RHP User
12 years ago
No question about it for me. Seems to me he's had a pretty good deal if all that was required of him was to let you know if he was chatting to others and to not bring them home. And yet he couldn't manage that. Characteristics of a true narcissist and selfish prick if you ask me. Relationships in general require communication. Relationships where communication ground rules have been agreed and betrayed are on pretty shaky ground. I don't think the question is do you want to be with him. We often want to be with people who history tells us are only going to hurt us. I think it's a question of what's best for you, and you probably already know the answer to that, either way. Good luck x
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RHP User
12 years ago
It's like this.....you're a glutton for punishment...you break up then you're back after a month...wow...are you Brittany Spears or something?? Try this...when you say no more....MEAN IT!!
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RHP User
12 years ago
'chance' losing everything?.......i'd say he already has...
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RHP User
12 years ago
Was the meet up with a guy or girl?? It seems your relationship is not cut and dry. If he was meeting a guy, is he actually more gay than what you realize? and maybe he is confused and trying to ascertain which way he really wants to go before discussing it with you formally. There seems to be a confusion in the rules a little, so maybe a good heart to heart about what your relationship really is about, is needed...
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RHP User
12 years ago
Honesty and trust. They go hand in hand and without them, any relationship is headed for a messy ending.
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RHP User
12 years ago
A lot of guys would love the opportunity to play around with their partners consent so by him lying he's completely stuffed up the trust that you had in him in the first place. If you feel the need to be checking his phone then that's your first clue that you need to leave. Personally I despise cheaters and will not ever forgive that level of betrayal. If you choose to stay, you're gonna get hurt far worse than you already are.
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1playfulcpl
12 years ago
just get the hell outa there an live your life for you
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RHP User
12 years ago
Had a trust issue from the start and that had a large part to pay in it's ultimate demise. Without trust, there is no relationship.
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xFunlovingx
12 years ago
This is a hard one as you both have a wonderful friendship that none of you want to lose at all! My only advice to you is to speak to him calmly and openly! BUT really listen to him too! Maybe as Ding26 said...he is confused about his sexuality! Let him know that no matter what...you will be there as his friend if you can't get the relationship back to where you want it! Good luck with everything! xFunlovingx
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Cheekyarses
12 years ago
Karma is a bigger bitch then I could ever be!
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'Cheekyarses' Karma is a bigger bitch then I could ever be! I kinda keep hoping Karma would work her magic. Thanks everyone for your thoughts. Looks like a chat is on the way ( if i can be brave enough) and a 2-3 day wait as hes away for work and i now have this time to stress and worry more as to what hes doing. As for single profile - we had a couples profile on here and i changed it when we broke up. kept it when we got back together mainly for forums.I have told him previously that i understand his need to explore but prefer if explore together or if he does it by himself then he discusses that with me first. thought that was reasonable and fair?
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RHP User
12 years ago
If you want a relationship with a Bi-Guy , there's always gonna be another person in the equation . If he likes Men's PeePees , you'll never be able to give him an adequate substitute ...- Posted from rhpmobile
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inspirit
12 years ago
OMG.... I am peeing my pants here laughing.... It is about the chase..RIGHT! Maybe just maybe he is telling the truth and it is all about the chase. Come on people how many complaints have you heard lately about *NO SHOWS*. Is this man one of those serial no showers as it is mostly about his ego....Just saying! On another note..... You do not trust him so so why are you with him?? If I had the need to go through a partners text messages then I am sure I would not be in that relationship anymore. Meh..... time for a beer and chuckle.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Best way to deal with a cheat is get rid of them. Why should you should you be shared with anyone else? You deserve much better.....The chase story is bullshit, every action has intention, intention leads to more action. The fact that he never mentioned it before shows his intention to deceive you. The best thing to do is to get out ASAP if you can, otherwise you will be dealing with the hurt on a daily basis. Sorry to hear about your situation, there is nothing worse than finding out your partner has been cheating on you. I wish you all the best and hope you find a decent man, that will not share you for the world!!!!
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RHP User
12 years ago
If you haven t learned that the most dangwrous place is between a bi/gay guy and any cock. Bi are really gay with an interest play with woman. U can t change that and its usefless n cruel to dump on him. draw ur own conclusion.
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RHP User
12 years ago
If it was me ,it would be over. I would explain ,to the person i really liked you ,but trust is something that is not given easy.Time to move on ,life has something better for you planed justanormalchick
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RHP User
12 years ago
I would have thought that asking him what was going on would be the first thing to do. He may just be telliung the truth. He may have no intention of meeting anyone and it is all an on line fantasy. Neither of you are in a monogamous relationship. It is expected that each of ypou would chat up others independantly so why get all bent out of shape when he does? We all know that arranging to meet someone does not automatically mean that they will meet. Clearly you have no intention of leaving this man anyway as you are already saying that the friendship is great. Just have it out with him. The biggest issue in a relationship is the one not talked about.
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Zsuza69
12 years ago
Quoting 'Tall_Isman' If you haven t learned that the most dangwrous place is between a bi/gay guy and any cock. Bi are really gay with an interest play with woman. U can t change that and its usefless n cruel to dump on him. draw ur own conclusion. Bi is not Gay. Bi is liking both sexes and Gay is liking the same sex.If bi was gay then most of the women i know from swinging would be classed as gay then there would be no need for men thus the demise of the human race lolIt sounds to me that he really wants to explore his bi side but too afraid to tell you really how he feels. Get him to confess up or get outa there.Mr Zsuza
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RHP User
12 years ago
Where did you find it? I asume on his Phone. Does he know you read his messages? Trust goes a long way. I suspect, as you have no trust in him, he,(rightly so) has none in you. Miss Just a normalchick???????????????? who is single on her profile, but been in a relationship for three years. Build a bridge.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Why the hell are you together ?You violate his privacy because you don't trust him, you have drawn conclusions from 1msg you spied on with no context.You say he is cheating and lying and but you have proven nothing, it's all assumption !And you bring it to us for validation ?I think he should piss you off and get on with his life how he sees fit. And you should learn to be more independent and get out of a bad situation instead of trying to salvage a lost cause because you are too scared to leave.
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Cheekyarses
12 years ago
Cheating isn't an accident - you don't just trip over n land on a penis or in a pussy!
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'MisterGreen'If you want a relationship with a Bi-Guy , there's always gonna be another person in the equation . If he likes Men's PeePees , you'll never be able to give him an adequate substitute ...- Posted from rhpmobile you do understand that a guy...liking guys.... is no more or less dangerous relationship wise, than a guy who only likes gals? being bi, or gay for that matter, doesnt mean someones more or less likely to stray than the next....thats a very rash generalisation, and its absolutely incorrect.....being honest in love has nothing to do with sexual identity or persuasion.....
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RHP User
12 years ago
telling piece of information you have given here OP,is that you are concerned that if you talk to him about the situation you will loose everythking. Neither of you trusts the other,so I suggest that to rebuild trust you need to start talking to each other about the parameters of your relationship.Everything to gain and nothing to loose. At the moment all you have is uncertainty and fear....nothing IMO,not even a friendship.
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RHP User
12 years ago
You only live once and you have to take responsibility for your own happiness. There are things that both people will need from a relationship. If he is bi there will be things he needs that he cant get from one person. Youre here on rhp so you should be aware of how peoples sexual appetites vary. If you can accept his needs you can save the relationship if you want. If you need total monogamy you should probably move on. If a relationship isnt working for one of you it cant work for both.
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inspirit
12 years ago
Quoting '50zcool' Why the hell are you together ?You violate his privacy because you don't trust him, you have drawn conclusions from 1msg you spied on with no context.You say he is cheating and lying and but you have proven nothing, it's all assumption !And you bring it to us for validation ?I think he should piss you off and get on with his life how he sees fit. And you should learn to be more independent and get out of a bad situation instead of trying to salvage a lost cause because you are too scared to leave. Was the milk off this morning on your weetbix lololololol Love it btw.
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