M50
In a relationship but sexually frustrated
June 04 2013
Comments
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Cheekyarses
12 years ago
So she asked you to join up on rhp to get some on the side?? Lol!
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RHP User
12 years ago
To be honest, exactly the same thing happened to me. The sex aside, the relationship was great, we got on well and have lots of fun times. When we first got together the sex was very frequent, 2-3 times a week or more, and it got to the point of less and less over time, and the wait was also killing me.We have now split up over it, as I couldn't live without the sex in my relationship, as much I loved everything else about it. She also wasn't willing to try get her libido back.
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custardapples
12 years ago
Hi Kinky, I can make a few points that might assist. You may already be doing these things? - Take emphasis away from the sex for a while.If she is anything like my wonderful partner she may be a hard working woman (both at work and home). Try to assist her at home and give her time to recharge. A well rested woman would be a happier woman. This should be a consistant thing and not just a one off. This also shows her that you care in other ways. Tired = no libido. - She doesn't like blow jobs or anal! Steer away from those things and don't pressure her to do them. If she equates sex with the things that are unpleasant she wont be keen. Not all woman enjoy anal and having men cum in their mouths. What are her fantasies?? - If you get these things right you might be on the road to improving the situation. If you are both happy to be active on RHP you might be able to explore your fantasies and hers with others who love them. Take a few steps back and be patient. I hope this helps you.
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sweetgem
12 years ago
OP, I don't understand why you posted this thread since you have already had your girlfriend's consent to come on here??? Having a rant perhaps? If so, then it's ok as one needs to get that pressure off his/her chest 😊 If not and you're feeling guilty to be on RHP, then I would suggest you to take a break and maybe seek professional help off RHP as mental guilt can really do your head in. I had lived a no-sex-at-all life in my former marriage (and I won't mention why as it is a history and irrelevant to this topic), so I can say what I have said above and firmly recommend counseling if necessary!!!- Posted from rhpmobile
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Mischeviouslad
12 years ago
So what I read here..... is that your own personal sexual desires, your own interests, and your libido, do not match hers. I can't help but wonder why you didn't establish this before committing to a full time relationship. However, you're in that relationship now and sounds like you want to stay in it?! So lets proceed on that basis. Ignore the "you should get some on the side" type comments.... my view is her insecurities about the relationships strength are causing her to say that she is testing your commitment to the relationship. She isn't setting you up for a fall, not directly ... but if she really did say that (and it's not just man-projection on your part)... then I'm sorry, regardless of how strong the relationship is, there is a critical fault in it. Now, I don't know if you've become the stereotypical annoying male pestering her for sex. You've told only one side of the story, and I doubt she knows you're in here for her to tell her own side. My guess, you're not engaging, inspiring and encouraging her sexuality.... and hounding her over her lesser libido only reduces it further as sex will be "granted" out of a sense of obligation. I doubt you want, or enjoy "obligation" sex. Short answer.....You have a choice. Realise the differences are a deal breaker for this to work... OR Invest in yourself, her, and the relationship over time, and re-ignite her inner sexual woman without hounding her or making her feel inadequate as I consider you may be doing. This isn't just a throw away comment on my part.... I lived that life for 9 years, and frankly, sex every 2-3 months? You really have no idea how tough "tough" is.......... yet! DG
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RHP User
12 years ago
welcome to the real world...its how relationships go, after the 'honeymoon phase, things slow down. reignite your passion with your gal, or move on.....if you step outside what you have...regardless of what she says....you run the very real risk of relationship doom.... perhaps she should change medicos....mine did, and all her menopause issues went away, because of an intelligent, caring approach by her doctor, our sex life ramped back up, too easy.
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RHP User
12 years ago
The guy is asking for advice!!! Bit harsh for you to say isn't it a I seem to remember you having quite a few rants yourself. Stop with the judging... Seriously.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Totally agree with Meeka .......
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RHP User
12 years ago
in that;believe me, I think it is a lot less black and white than coming onto rhp to get a bit on the side (even if it was suggested by your partner.) But will add that it's not just one person that's to blame for the dynamic that has been gathering momentum in your relationship and scooting around the tip of the iceberg will not make it go away. There sounds like a lot of unconscious processes and behaviours going down that need to be brought to light and dealt with, together. Both of you have to want to come to the party when it comes to working it out. My honest opinion is that your dilemma isn't even about sex. Like Mischevious Lad was saying; focussing on that and hounding your partner will not work. If you love her and are in for the long haul then my advice would be (as Sweetgem advised) to get some professional counselling. Again you both have to be willing to sort it out and I would say that from a woman's perspective it's quite possible your partner is not happy with how things are either? But in saying that, her reason for withdrawing is more likely to do with the everyday 'intimacy' that brings her to the point of sex with you. Not the sex itself. It's the journey not the destination for us women. You need to unlock that. Communication.
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RHP User
12 years ago
When we first started out the sex was basically every time we went to bed, and sometimes we went to bed really early (4pm on weekends). We talked about what we both liked, i mentioned anal and wanting a real blowjob, she made it clear that she didnt want to do them and I respect her choices. I do not pressure her for things she doesnt want. Now tho its even getting to the stage were she doesnt even want to kiss/cuddle anymore, she just wants to go to sleep. I have asked her if she has any fantasies but she says she doesnt have any. I have also told her I want to try being pegged, she doesnt want to do it. I dont pressure her for sex at all, I wait frustrated and hope that each night may be the night to get lucky. She works in a office 8-5 five days a week, Im the one doing the housework and all the cooking. I have tried getting her in the mood doing everything romantically I can. eg soft music, room full of flowers/candles, massages, singing to her. As for her telling me to "get some on the side" at first I thought that this may be a trap and shes testing me to see if Im loyal to her. I told her shes that one I love and shes the one I want to have sex with. Call me old fashioned but I want to have sex with the one Im in love with. I asked her why she keeps saying this on saturday night, her answer was she knows Im frustrated and shes sorry that she doesnt feel like sex, she said she feels guilty. I did say she has seen her doctor. Her doctor wasnt very helpful "who knows why your libido has declined?, why does the sun rise?". Maybe seeking counseling or another doctor might be the next step. As for some on the side and me, I see it as a very last resort and I came on RHP to test the waters, I dont have a lot of options as Im in a wheelchair. But I agree with Mikeandshel, it could be the doom of my relationship. The way im seeing it, I have 3 choices: 1.Ttry counseling and hope it works. 2. Stay frustrated. 3. Break up with her. Which I really dont want. 4. Get a mistress (even tho im not married)
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verago250
12 years ago
I've been married 32yrs. The first 10yrs sex was great evan though she is very straight and wont try anything(20yrs to get oral and no cum in mouth and she dislikes oral receiving),sex 3-4 times a week between having a kids.Then the next 10yrs droped to 1-2 times a week. The last 13yrs almost zero,2-3 times a year. I dont evan ask or try anymore. She doesnt want counselling and unsure if she talks to a doctor about it. For about the last 20yrs I've been told ( get it elswere and I just dont want to know). My kids are all grownup and have left home but for many many reasons I dont want to leave.So it is not uncommon, we are all different. My 2 cents worth would be dont judge and maybe sometimes a BIT ON THE SIDE is best for ALL.
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sweetgem
12 years ago
Because I was not judging the OP nor was I been harsh! I did say it was ok if the OP was only having a rant, because one needs to do that sometimes to get it off his/her chest. What I didn't understand was why did the OP complain when he's already on here trying to get his needs looked after and with his girlfriend's consent?! I wasn't judging the OP at all if you carefully read my comment Meeka. What I sensed was that the OP might be going through some kind of guilt dilemma and that is not good for his health. Hence I suggested the counseling help as Counsellor are professionally trained to help people with issues. What's wrong with my suggestion??? I am not a qualified Relationship Counsellor or Psychologist, so I do not want to give any advice as I do not have the expertise to help the OP! So all I can do is suggest the OP to seek help if he needed to. Am I wrong for hinting a method to get help properly?! :-(- Posted from rhpmobile
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sweetgem
12 years ago
When they have actually given out advices while not being a qualified Relationship Counsellor, and I got hammered for suggesting a way to get proper help?! Is it because the words I used or the way I wrote?? If so, then maybe other comments should be attacked too!!! SIGH!!!- Posted from rhpmobile
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sweetgem
12 years ago
Grow up and learn how to read before you comment!!!- Posted from rhpmobile
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chevtrek
12 years ago
Mother nature made men the way they are to keep the species going Women to but we have screwed mother nature as to many unhealthy things are in our food Sugestions eat more fresh food also some vitamins.. You dont say what you do so explore her body give oral but good oral ask her what she woulkd like let her know its anything even 2 guys as a womans mind helps her sex drive. Have no idea about her job or kids but yes get a stress free time out. If this all fails its time for a shrink as one lady lost heres and it took me ages to find out , as a child she was molested.. Steve
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RHP User
12 years ago
If i am not getting sex everyday , i am not goin to have him as simple as that ,... mind you waiting a long time to get a shag from a man definitely not my cup of tea , no sex no relationship thats it !...i might as well be by my self and play with my self , i am realistic about things and will never be parted of any crazy bullshits...if i am not happy/ not satisfied then i am free to find it out there, but they wont be part of my life , thats when things gets complicated. keep it simple it is easy !...
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RHP User
12 years ago
you are not having sex then you are just friends...you are not married and I assume have no children so perhaps she is no longer into you and doesn't want to hurt your feelings or breakup....bring other people in to this equasion and you will have a whole heap of complications....the reason why most people don't break up is because of fear....fear of loneliness in particular...
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anet2001
12 years ago
As mentioned earlier - tired and hard work = no sexBut also a "rut" seems to be a sex killer too...... I was in the same boat as you, then we moved cities and she stopped work and became a kept woman, I could not believe the change.... from once every 2-3 months to 2-3 times a week. when she went back to work, bang, back to a drought, not as bad, but still not ideal.If you love the person I would not throw that away....keep trying to find something that works.... I bet she says "I'm happy without sex, why can't you be..". It doesn't work that way does it....Anyway, good luck
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RHP User
12 years ago
I'll just refer you to my thread called "the gremlin in the night..." Given her gradual libido decline, it could be a symptom of sleep apnea. I'm not saying it is, however, it can be one of many reasons as to why her libido has declined. Stress, and other factors are also attributed to loss of libido, and I would be seeking a 2nd opinion from a different doctor.- Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
12 years ago
The councillor suggestion is a good idea. But why can't he ask the question... Is anyone in a similiar situation ? He wasn't ranting. He wasn't trying to justify why he is here. He isn't saying he is feeling guilty. What does FMD stand for?
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RHP User
12 years ago
I don't see a problem with you "getting a bit on the side" if your Partner is truly OK with that. However , considering your situation , this might only be achievable at your Home . Is your Partner seriously willing to vacate the House while you entertain other Women ? From what I see , your Sexual Relationship is stagnating . You (both of you) should really consider Counselling , as a Couple. If you really love each other , you need to find a way to make it work. You also need to clarify whether the Relationship is only based on Dependency . As has been said , there is a danger in bringing other people into your Relationship if you and your Partner have not invested the time to see if this is really the path you both should take . Is your decision to Mingle going to salvage your Relationship ? Is Sex so important that you are willing to possibly threaten the Relationship ? Based on what you've said here , I think you need to try every available resource at your disposal before you decide to have Sex with other people . GG♒- Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
12 years ago
FUCK ME DEAD!Im just guessing though.😎
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RHP User
12 years ago
I feel from your comments that by seeking sex on the side you are the type to develop a connection with that person which could lead to further dilemmas for yourself. Many of us have found ourselves in very similar situations of sexless relations. I recently read about people who were A sexual they have no real need for sex and find it bothersome and some only partake for their partners sake. Sexless relationships are doomed. In my opinion anyway.
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RHP User
12 years ago
FMD?....fook me dead
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Mischeviouslad
12 years ago
With the exception of the wheelchair, and the singing (?!!!)... I recognize that life.Like I said..... I think you have a decision to make.Sad, but true.DG
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sweetgem
12 years ago
But it doesn't mean that I like being picked on simply because I structured my sentences in the way that some people would not like to see! Besides, the only person that has a right to tell me off is the OP, everyone else please step aside!- Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
12 years ago
That she may be having an affair, and is not sure how to break it off with you. "Pushing" you away, and her "feeling guilty" could just be avoidance behaviour on her behalf. Something to think about maybe?! Mr S
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RHP User
12 years ago
Sweet gem, I think it was the way it was written, it came across as a bit harsh and putting this man into the basket with all the other "I get no sex at home and I need it, so here I am". This one seems a little more complex though. If she has in fact given you permission to seek these things elsewhere, then be prepared for some possible backlash, think you need to dig a little deeper and find out where the relationship is going, if it has any future. Maybe she is hoping you will find someone else and move on and just doesn't want to be the one to break it off. I am not sure really.
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RHP User
12 years ago
I guess the real question is Why? Why doesn't she want sex now? In order to clarify that i'd be asking myself some other questions. Did she enjoy sex when you had it? Does she orgasm? Does she masturbate? Does she feel sexy and desirable? Does she actively think about sex? Does she want the current situation to change? Women generally need to feel sexy and desired to want to have sex. Some of us have that in spades and don't need affirmation from others...even though that's delightful too. Others don't and require the affirmation of a good man to bring it out. Generally we also need to actively think about sex to be in the mood, this is ofcourse why when life is busy it can slip onto the backburner (for men too) I'd be generally trying to live a more sexual/sensual life.(understanding that not every interaction is going to end in the bedroom but that if she is thinking about sex more often she is more likely to be in the mood, enjoy sensuality for it's own sake) Encourage her sensuality. Some ideas you may have tried ...or not. - Text her in the middle of the day and say...hey sexy thinking of you and it makes me hard! - Call and tell her exactly how your body (cock) feels when you think about sex with her. - Make her a video of you playing with yourself while you fantasise about what you'd like to do to her - Do some sensual massage - with no intention of ending it with sex - send her a sexy email, maybe with photos of you, maybe just telling her how you feel about her body, maybe just sharing your thoughts and feelings ( women are often more attuned to the emotional side of a relationship) - Plan an evening for her pleasure and then ask her to tell you EXACTLY how she wants to be touched, how she wants the evening to unfold, how/if she wants sex how it's to be done - Phone sex - call from another room and describe how you are touching yourself. - Another idea might be to invoke a 5 minute rule, if one partner wants sex and the other doesn't you can call for 5 minutes. You then have 5 minutes where you can do anything to your partner's body to give them pleasure. If at the end of those 5 minutes they still don't want sex it's to be accepted with good grace- At the end of the day, if it's as simple as a difference in desires, and that's fundamental to your relationship, you may just need to make a decision.
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RHP User
12 years ago
I guess the real question is Why? Why doesn't she want sex now? In order to clarify that i'd be asking myself some other questions. Did she enjoy sex when you had it? Does she orgasm? Does she masturbate? Does she feel sexy and desirable? Does she actively think about sex? Does she want the current situation to change? Women generally need to feel sexy and desired to want to have sex. Some of us have that in spades and don't need affirmation from others...even though that's delightful too. Others don't and require the affirmation of a good man to bring it out. Generally we also need to actively think about sex to be in the mood, this is ofcourse why when life is busy it can slip onto the backburner (for men too) I'd be generally trying to live a more sexual/sensual life.(understanding that not every interaction is going to end in the bedroom but that if she is thinking about sex more often she is more likely to be in the mood, enjoy sensuality for it's own sake) Encourage her sensuality. Some ideas you may have tried ...or not. - Text her in the middle of the day and say...hey sexy thinking of you and it makes me hard! - Call and tell her exactly how your body (cock) feels when you think about sex with her. - Make her a video of you playing with yourself while you fantasise about what you'd like to do to her - Do some sensual massage - with no intention of ending it with sex - send her a sexy email, maybe with photos of you, maybe just telling her how you feel about her body, maybe just sharing your thoughts and feelings ( women are often more attuned to the emotional side of a relationship) - Plan an evening for her pleasure and then ask her to tell you EXACTLY how she wants to be touched, how she wants the evening to unfold, how/if she wants sex how it's to be done - Phone sex - call from another room and describe how you are touching yourself. - Another idea might be to invoke a 5 minute rule, if one partner wants sex and the other doesn't you can call for 5 minutes. You then have 5 minutes where you can do anything to your partner's body to give them pleasure. If at the end of those 5 minutes they still don't want sex it's to be accepted with good grace- At the end of the day, if it's as simple as a difference in desires, and that's fundamental to your relationship, you may just need to make a decision.
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RHP User
12 years ago
No one is picking on you, just pointing out it may be a little rough around the edges... It happens to everyone at some stage, just leave it be...
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RHP User
12 years ago
FMD = fuck me doggie , fuck me drunk, and one for DG. Fuck me Dumbarse. Hehe
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RHP User
12 years ago
Seems it is okay to say. FMD here we go again. ⊂(◉‿◉)つ
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RHP User
12 years ago
I am not correcting you and I am not criticizing you. All I am Saying is that I thought your judgement of kinky_on_wheels was too harsh. You don't agree, so lets move on. Personally I thought he was asking a genuine question, and Cheeky Arses and your comment wasn't really fair in my opinion, I felt you were both assuming that he was another cheater lying about being on RHP. Again you don't have to agree with that we are all different after all.
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sweetgem
12 years ago
Hellenheels and Meeka, I see what you mean and where you're coming from now, thank you for pointing out and I will certainly be more careful with how I write in future, just to avoid history from repeating itself even though I wasn't mean to be harsh.- Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
We broke up today and I think it is best for both of us. We will remain friends but there is no longer any us. Now I dont have to be guilty about wanting sex and now I'm trying to find my perfect match in and out of bed.
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