F72
In sickness and in health
March 04 2015
Comments
-
RHP User
10 years ago
I had a lover who's husband became impotent after surgery, I saw her for over a year and we grew to know each other so I know she loved him deeply, but she was also a very sexual being and had difficulty functioning unless her needs were met. And no he didn't know, not my business. I've been in a sexless marriage and know how it slowly atrophies you one day at a time, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I know people cheat for selfish shallow and spiteful reasons but I also know selfless people just trying to cling to a little personal "quality of life" It's their decision and I do not judge.
-
RHP User
10 years ago
That is so sad. I think it is double sad that as a society we are not more open about sex and the importance of it. If people had a little more awareness and felt more free to discuss these issues maybe these sorts of problems would lessen?
-
couplefairride
10 years ago
All I know is life is too short to be unhappy. When I worked in a rest home the old dears (both female and male) wished they led the lives the wanted. Seems such a shame when your body fails and yet your mind still reminisces. Seems sad too me. - Posted from rhpmobile
-
Mr_MrsAraps
10 years ago
Quoting 'Meeka100' That is so sad. I think it is double sad that as a society we are not more open about sex and the importance of it. If people had a little more awareness and felt more free to discuss these issues maybe these sorts of problems would lessen? I totally agree with you and is a big shame that in most vanilla relationships there are only options being 1. suck it up and its you that has the problem wanting sex when the other person doesn't or can't ..... or 2. leave the relationship My take is why can't you talk about other options such as open relationships. I mean if you bring it up and the partner freaks out and can't get over "your massive betrayal" of wanting some sex every now again with someone who can give that to you, it brings you back to option 2 anyway. For people with a medical condition and sex is no longer an option what is the bigger betrayal .... Still being there for there for your partner, health and relationship wise but occasionally getting some discreet sex on the side (perhaps with or without cheating) that allows you to stay sane in your relationship ..... or just break up and ditch the person like a used Kleenex and leave them no matter how many years you have been together or leave them with no support systems later in life especially if health is bad or they are also a primary carer. Since being on RHP it's opened my eyes to nothing in life being straight black or white. There is a lot of grey in there. Cheers, W.
-
Hottie1
10 years ago
But his libido has been affected by kidney cancer, it's subsequent removal and his recovery. There have been months that sex was not an option. I've always had a higher sex drive than hubby but he strongly encouraged I play alone. We discussed it openly and after some reservations I did start playing alone. Would I chose a sexless marriage - yes because he is an incredible person, I love him and the intimacy was there in other ways. But I am lucky that he recognizes my needs and is a wonderful, trusting and compassionate husband. I suspect it wasn't easy for hubby to go to the doctor and say ' I need help with our sex life' but he deals with everything in that quintessential Aussie bloke way. I understand it doesn't always work this way for everyone but I'd chose him first every time :) Mary xx
-
RHP User
10 years ago
was to be there for each other in sickness and health. As long as we both love each other, this will apply till death do us part. I am glad that I am in an open and honest marriage that harbours no jealousy. My husband knows that I have a much higher libido than him so he allows me to "play" on my own. Thus, I have no complaints. I know my place in Life. Amy
-
RHP User
10 years ago
and she had/has sleeping difficulties. It was frustrating that I was not even able to cuddle her to sleep.
-
Single_Guy4U
10 years ago
I haven't had any for around 3-years because of a combination of a bad relationship with relationship stress and mind/game playing on her part, also financial, & work stress & depression. However, I had my 80-year old father come to stay with me for a week just before Christmas (haven't spent so much time with him since I left home 30 odd years ago). His third wife died around 3-years ago so he has been on his own since, he also has Alzheimer's, which is really sad. However, at 80, he still said, and I quote "I could really do with a root). Nearly choked but appears to prove to don't change, only circumstances and health stuff you up.
-
Cheekyarses
10 years ago
I know that if were to get sick Mr Cheeky would be by my side until the end - that is the type of man he is. I would not expect him to go without sex and would give him my blessing to see other women. We both hope we are still holding hands at 80 and can remember all the incredible times we shared together - Posted from rhpmobile
-
RHP User
10 years ago
My dad was seriously and chronically ill and I can honestly say that I cant remember a time really when my dad was well He was confined a great deal to the house and in the end, to his bedroom, and then his bed My parents had separate rooms for years simply so my father could sleep more comfortably with his illness that required him to "sleep" in unusual positions. However growing up I thought this was normal, not that Dad was sick but that all parents had separate rooms from each other. I didn't think it strange. I doubt my mother had a lover in all the years before Dad passed. She truly believed in the "in sickness and health" part of her vows and "until death us do part" and even after Dad died and she was on her own for years, there was never anyone. She never took her wedding ring off and instead of dating, she found other ways to find personal fulfilment. My parents adored each other and were openly affectionate in words and deeds. They still had date nights, they would watch TV holding hands and if Dad could, cuddling and maybe a short outing, and they never stopped talking to each other about everything, a doco they watched on TV or a book that one of them had just finished. My parents never ever stopped communicating. Their intimacy was with words and that kind of relationship is enviable In the end, as time marches on, all of us will face old age and invariably poor health with our partners. Id like to think I will chose a partner that resembles my parents somewhat. That when the sex goes (and it will) then we have something going on, that's deeper and in some ways much more satisfying than the pressing of flesh. Intimacy comes in many forms. If I was ill and not capable of having sex, I have no doubt that I would love my partner enough for him to seek sex elsewhere, Id like to think that I would have that type of relationship, but who knows. Until confronted wit this situation, one does not know. I do know as Araps said, there's nothing black and white in this world, many shades of grey. And as for my needs, well without sounding martyr like, my ill partners mental, physical and emotional wellbeing would always come first. You can have intimacy without sex and it can be incredibly rewarding. Give me intimacy, love and respect over sex any day. Meanwhile
-
aussian43
10 years ago
My partner has medical issues where sex is painful and uncomfortable for her, she also has no sex drive. So for years I would just use porn to get off. Last year when chatting to a lady on another site the opportunity came up to have fun with her. I discussed it with my partner and she gave me the go ahead to indulge. I would not have proceeded without her permission. My partner felt some guilt that she cannot fulfill that physical part of the relationship, and is happy I am getting satisfaction elsewhere. Her biggest issue was the disease risk and possibility of psycho's out there. She know I won't leave her. It is possible to have a sex life outside of a relationship. Just need to be very careful no one gets hurt. You, your partner and the FWB.
-
RHP User
10 years ago
Or is it intimacy that we crave..Sex being just a part of intimacy....and if the love for the partner is still there, then how does someone notf feel guilty if you are not in an open relationship because monogamy is so ingrained as a practice in our culture where as poly relationships in non Western cultures including Tibetan and some Indigenous Autralian cultures were common.So if you re married and your partner is not able to fulfill your needs,what do you do? xxFreya
-
lovman8
10 years ago
......and wank................hang on, I do that anyway,
-
On_Safari
10 years ago
They've been together 55yrs. Yes they still have sex as I've oftrn said and Dad is in the very early stages of dementia at 83. I think the sex for him may be more of a reassurance that he, as a man; is still physically capable of something as a MAN!! Lol yes he potters around the house etc but he used to be so capable as Mum says. She's said, "....there were times when I may have left him, wanted to quit my marriage BUT people didn't do that in my day, marriage wasn't meant to be easy and it always required work on both sides." I asked her what about love Mum, passiom and lust and desire? She scoffed, "oh all that!! (Laughing) I still love your Father, I always will it's just different now. All that passion and stuff well that's only shortlived honeymoon stuff, you can't keep that going; that's probably why marriages these days fail? People keep wanting the fireworks and bels snd whistles and then kids and real life and mortgages and stuff become reality and time is invested elsewhere. That's life (insert real name here). I love your Dad but that kind of love grows through sticking it out through the hard times and it's replaced by something deeper. I love your father darling, he's my mate, he's my best friend and I'd be lost without him eventhough he's useless now and lives for a root everyday!!" More laughter but you get the drift. If I admit to myself I've idealised the concept of fantasy type love.....but the truth is when Prince Charming comes along eventually he and I are going to butt heads and debate our day jobs and splitting the castle cleaning duties. Thanks for the topic, some comments have given me much to ponder. My married lovers have remained in their marriages for love of their partners, children and life.....I get that a bit better now. Had to (shrugs) maybe that's why I keep telling Chocolate Desire that I don't want exclusivity or to "claim him" as mine. Good topic Lady T xx
-
On_Safari
10 years ago
Yes, having someone know you so well, your likes, dislikes, mannerisms, feelings, nuances, traits, complexities better than you do yourself and love, accept and work with you in all your shades....yes that'd be amazing. Especially when it goes both ways.
-
RHP User
10 years ago
at the moment, and with 80 she is still young not only in body but also in mind. She was married for 56 years and looked after my dad until he passed away. My mum had affairs and my dad too, no she will not really admit to it that's not done, but she will not deny it either. I think we have to ask us the question, why we propel sex so high and intimacy so low. Sex is an act, yes it gives us a feeling after.... to be happy calm and content, but intimacy gives us the round up good happy sustainable feeling where we feel safe wanted and cherished. My question is, ohh I have not understood this as I was younger I needed to go through life and learn, why do we put such a high on sex, what is it, why is it such a betrayal in our thinking? wouldn't it hurt the other more when he/she is intimate with another and the danger of losing a partner to another through intimacy then just simple sex? Or can we not separate the two?
-
LifeUnscripted
10 years ago
Sex is important to both of us. It is part of our love language, the way we express that love and our connection. It is also important to each of us to receive though too. We would miss that important aspect of life if one of us was no longer able to participate. Sex is not the only important part of our relationship. We are best friends, we have an amazing shared history, we love just hanging out together. So a lack of sex would be incredibly hard, but wouldn't be the end of our relationship. We would still want to be together. That said we have also already told each other that we would want each other to still have that opportunity for physical connection and lust and desire. So we would stay together for all the other great parts of our relationship, but allow the other to find physical connection elsewhere if they wanted to. - Posted from rhpmobile
-
RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'Freya79' Is is sex? Or is it intimacy that we crave..Sex being just a part of intimacy....Absoooooolutely intimacy. Limited or no sex I can deal with, as long as the intimacy remains. When the intimacy is gone as well, then there is little left to call a relationship. If there is a health issue affecting sexual function, there are ways around it if the desire and/or affection is still there. In general people crave to touch and be touched, sexual touch is just one form as you say. The raw physical craving for sex is often just a reaction from not receiving touch or tenderness in other forms. What I have noticed in elderly couples that are doing well, is that they are typically still physically close, with lots of kisses, hugs and holding hands, and that is just the public side.
-
RHP User
10 years ago
I just wrote a whole page and deleted it! Really just want to thank On_Safari. Thank you! xx
-
RHP User
10 years ago
I'm allowed to play with whom ever I like now, while Paul's in good health, so I know he wouldn't protest if he was sick. For my part, if he were ill, I would give him all the love and care possible as I know he'd do the same for me.
-
RHP User
10 years ago
As Arnie once said...I'll be back when time permits.
-
RHP User
10 years ago
Country touch made me think about it re needing touch. I used to think I was splitting sex from intimacy. Truth is I avoid intimacy. I crave touch , it's easy for me to offer the shell. I just can't become intimate. As soon as guys want to get closer I shut off. It's someting that frightens me. I guess I belive it weakens me. Or it will sting like a bitch. I loved once , but I I gave my heart to the unavailable Man. Then he wanted to leave his wife so I ran. My husband not an intimate person at all. He Is what I trust. And like others say , as you grow into a relation ship it changes shape into a pair of history slippers. It's not so much a roller coaster ride. When your comming to the end of it. I crave touch and fear intimacy , but it still makes me curcle it like a moth to a flame, but i have strong enough wings to keep myself safe from it's gravity. - Posted from rhpmobile
-
sweetgem
10 years ago
I had a partner who was ill with depression or any non-violent mental illness, I would not throw out the relationship, instead I would seek my physical needs elsewhere with someone that might be in similar situation. However, if his mental illness was a violent type such as split personalities where he would become two or more people at various times, had uncontrollable imaginations, etc. then I would want to protect myself from becoming a victim of such illness! - Posted from rhpmobile
-
RHP User
10 years ago
Firstly I'll mention a lady friend who has a hubby with health issues and erectile dysfunction. We met nearly two years ago, I was the first man she chatted to online, the first of many, any woman here will know how it goes. So she had no problem choosing a lover, we became good friends and still are. We'll be meeting on Monday for a coffee and a chat while my bike gets a new tyre fitted. She's about the only person I can truly confide in about my marriage and infidelity, I'm the only man she can confide about these issues too. Her hubby is a bit of an old bugger set in his ways and not so easy to deal with. He doesn't take as much care of himself as he should so his prognosis is not especially good, although she doesn't plan to abandon him when his time of need comes. She has other men in her life but it's not for me to comment on them... My situation is different to hers but the bottom line of a sexless marriage is similar. I have been given permission to play away from home, this is something that has been discussed numerous times. Mrs D has even instigated some of the conversations about this too. She doesn't like it but I feel she realises that a hubby who plays away and comes home is better than one who buggers off altogether...enough said about that.So after meeting a couple of other women but not getting jiggy with them I finally found someone who wanted a friend with benefits but not a deep relationship...actually she found me on another site. I'd almost forgotten about the site when I got a message notification, we met and talked over a coffee, had lunch a week later then found a hotel for the next meeting. We were both a bit nervous but not for long, spending the day in bed together mostly cuddling,caressing and chatting...mostly but not entirely we both decided we liked the skin on skin that we were missing. It's really nice to be physically intimate like that. We've met a couple of times and plan to do so again, so far cupids arrows are not spoiling it for either of us. I can't say it won't happen but I would be quite surprised if it did...we not really that kind of match. We like each other...of course...respect and physical attraction are there too. I wonder if Mrs D knows, suspects or conveniently looks away. I somehow think she is vaguely aware but chooses not to ask...tonight after our daughter took us to see Roller Derby I checked my phone and she asked if I was checking for messages from my girl friends...my response was a weak and corny laugh...neither confirm or deny. If she asks me outright I will not lie about it...
-
madotara69
10 years ago
We have had a friendship over the years and I had been given some advice as a young bloke and knew it by heart for the time I found the woman who would have me love her. A simple advice it may seem, even too simple if not taken wisely. "when you find the woman that you fall in love with, keep her in the centre of your life, always. Make sure by reminder, regularly reflecting upon your relationship and maintain it as, centred until it becomes habit by nature" I had a group of Gentlemen make it their most preferred topic for a story of sorts too it, as often they were presented a glass of ginger beer and milk shortly before the first Whisky of the evening, I served them and their families Club members, as a barman mostly, trained as function manager by a man the clubs head barman, who believed in having it in three years of training me too the members and families, a spectacle on any given day, which was every day, broadcast philosophies the daily topic amongst the members and their head barman, me the student by banter the amusement. So I got the better of them early and remembered their drinking habits, all of them a dozen in abouts as regulars and the few who had made mentions of ulcers, I had it that we test the ginger beer and milk as mandatory over time an assignment. It worked and lined the ulcers so as the whisky no longer troubled them, plus I had made it habit in serving them the drinks ahead of them asking, so they forgot how much whisky they were not ordering as over time a couple or three less, centered their place when going home of an evening to their wifes. So it was when I fell for Tara, the advice I treated as respectable, I would and did use until it became habit of nature our relationship the centre of our life and well maintained, some twenty years later, here I am expressing the promise those men had me believe in them for it if I used it, and they made sure back then I carried it, as I made them the promise and that was something that is of a "man's word is his word to be honoured", thing. So all I can say for something ahead in happening one of us were too lose the what if's for no longer able d, for sex, then our friendship and centred will remain in confidence that anything too it will be regarded by best intentions guide us ways to provide for it. I reckon shaggers back is an illness of a sort that I may have over looked and more occasionally reminded, so for if Tara got crook too having a root, It may well be my silver lining. Mado Mado Tara xx
-
RHP User
10 years ago
Your topic encapsulates the situation that has existed for more than two thirds of our married life. Ms Will suffered a work related total nervous breakdown more than 20 years ago. Initially it left her physically and mentally devastated for the best part of a year, when she would only get out of bed for doctor and psych visits. She was medicated to the hilt and could not move around safely anyway. For the first few years it was a case of try this med, come off it slowly and try something else, because the medications either did nothing, made her condition worse, or worked in shock mode where her system would initially respond well to the medication but then adapt to its presence so that after 3-4 months it had no beneficial effects for her, and occasionally adverse side effects. She has been on an effective medication regime now for more than 15 years, it was the last one the phych's were willing to try her with, and we were forewarned of the probable side effect of a total loss of libido, which has run to prediction. Mrs Will can now safely do most things that interest her, but is a totally asexual person. We have stayed together out of our mutual love and respect, and have recently sold our house to build our retirement home on property that has been in the family three generations. I have lived a sex and intimacy free life for the past 20 years, which lead me to a few vanilla dating sites without achieving anything, and ultimately to RHP with similar results. One thing that holds me back a lot is honesty, I can't pretend to be great when I haven't done anything for 20 years, can't pretend to be single or separated when I have a wife at home, and when I answer the questions invariably asked, I am perceived as either lying through my teeth or to be carrying too much baggage to be worth bothering with. So here I include a statement about my situation in my profile, and women who do browse it, can know and decide before making contact. For some odd reason, the majority of browsers seem to be either couples looking for second woman or another couple, or guys wanting guys. I know I am not good at marketing myself, I never have classed self promotion as one of my skills, and in my domestic situation, I don't really want to self promote heavily as I have little to offer people seeking a partner for a 'normal' partnership, and a great deal of concern about my ability to meet their physical needs anyway after the 20 year drought. Ms Will and I will look after each other till there is only one, if I ever get a chance with someone who is in a reciprical situation and we click, it might happen for me, or it might not. Either way, after living with it for more than 20 years, I can continue to if thats the way the marbles land, but meanwhile I can dream and be nuts to think that it might happen.
-
RHP User
10 years ago
I read you post and I thought I would take you to my bed. Just for one night. I think when I bed a guy I like to make feel like it's the last sex we might ever have. Yet my friend here, also from rhp , said that's not what its all about. She has a bit more depth to her than I do. I wonder how you would feel after all this time, when you get up from tangled sheets and the taste and smell of a woman on you. I would feel conflicted, guilty or contented. It would have to be a woman of depth and compassion. Not just someting as superficial as a mercy fuck. I feel for your situation. Human bondage is a blessing and acurse at times, but I think your love for your partner make you shine. - Posted from rhpmobile
-
RHP User
10 years ago
Would you feel, conflicted , guilty or content? - Posted from rhpmobile
-
RHP User
10 years ago
Your post made me sad. I cant imagine never having physical affection again. I love to be lying in someones arms, stroking their skin and hair,kissing..... simple pleasures but not something that everyone is lucky enough to have, so it seems. I hope you experience it all again someday.
-
RHP User
10 years ago
Is not just about the mechanics of our bodies...it's not just about those primal moments,pauses in time when we lose ourselves in or with the body of another..we might like to think that sex is just sex but it's not..How we have sex,who we choose to have sex with ,who we choose not to have sex with,is a reflection of all the impedimentia of our lives....to not have had sex willy for twenty years,is indeed sad,and if this changes for you,how much of a difference will it make to you,your wife,your family ,your friends...throwing a stone in that particular pond will cause ripples...and what of your lover ,or lovers ,here are potentially more people to add to your equation....willy ,you love your wife,so try one more time for some intimacy...not sex but just loving closeness...with no expectations that it will ever lead to sex,make her feel loved and appreciated hugs xxFreya
-
RHP User
10 years ago
Thank you all for your thoughts and suggestions, it's good to know that there are caring people out there in this crazy world. We both go out of our way to do things for each other, and do our best to look after each other.
-
RHP User
10 years ago
I have tears. Thankyou storytellers. I think. 😢
-
JDM76
10 years ago
Firstly , lady T this is an amazing topic and it has been a real brain stretcher , i' have never had to deal with any of the issues that have been raised , but everybody's responses are truly enlightened and i thank you all for sharing
Boards
-
Hot Topics
Topics: 14361 Comments: 120840
-
Girls Ask
Topics: 1355 Comments: 14709
-
Guys Ask
Topics: 2425 Comments: 17234
-
Couples' Corner
Topics: 2405 Comments: 12737
-
Swingers Lifestyle
Topics: 794 Comments: 5154
-
Fetish & Fantasy
Topics: 1148 Comments: 6957
-
Hot Travel
Topics: 622 Comments: 2145
-
LGBT
Topics: 156 Comments: 1150
Forum help
-
Something related with that
-
Going somewhere & want to hook up?
-
Hasn't that topic been posted before?
RHP's popular dating tool
-
Where the heck did that topic go?
Discover what RHP is doing offline
-
RHP member's RL secrets
reply
like
Share