Just for LAFFS, 5 mins outta your day...

It mebee sexist, crass, rude & BLATANT plagiarism... BUT, forget ALL that, just read & enjoi... If you wanted it tighter, you should have brought a bigger dick. Having sex is like playing bridge…If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand. --Woody Allen My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty. --Woody Allen My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often. --Emo Philips Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. --Oscar Wilde. Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, you probably won’t either. Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts --Jeff Foxworthy My wife is a sex object. Evertime I ask for sex, she objects. --Les Dawson I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. --Woody Allen When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. --Emo Philips I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic. --Woody Allen Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means. --George Burns What’s the three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey, I’m home. --Ken Hammond. Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy. --Steve Martin I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. --Rodney Dangerfield Every time I find Mr. Right, My husband scares him away. Men are like coffee, If their good, they’re rich... warm and keep you up all night. Panties are the last defense on the frontlines of desire. --Playboy, June 2002 Hey man, I’ve only got 3 inches... But some gals like it that wide. --Nate Rogers I don’t know who’s hands are on me right now, but.... I love you. --Ashley Papon Smile...it’s the second best thing to do with your lips. I still miss my Ex, but my aim is improving. Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. --Billy Crystal Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks. --Steve Martin If I’m going to break a commandment, it might as well be one that makes me tingle! It occurs to me that a man is TRUELY TIRED if he falls asleep while Masturbating. The differance between a slut and a whore? A whore will sleep with anyone... A slut will sleep with anyone but you. --Stephen Lee Dekat Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures. --Samuel Johnson There’s two theories to arguin’ with a woman. Neither one works. Don’t hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. You only have to mumble a few words in church to be married, and a few in your sleep to get a divorce. Don’t knock masturbation -- it’s sex with someone I love. --Woody Allen If God had wanted people to give blowjobs, he wouldn’t have given them teeth. The most common form of marriage proposal is: "YOU’RE WHAT!" To go together is blessed, to come together is divine The angle of the dangle is inversely proportional to the heat in the meat. Pizza is a lot like sex, when it’s good, it’s really good. When it’s bad, it’s still pretty good. Admittedly, there are a lot of things that are better than sex, and a lot more that are worse; but there is nothing quite like it... Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her… Ah, women, they make the highs higher, and the lows more frequent. I never knew what true happiness was ’till I got married. And then it was too late. Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity... Masturbation is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s nothing to be particularly proud of, either. --Matt Groening I want to love you, but how can I if you won’t lie down? See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. I suck in all ways meaningful. --Lindsey D. Stansbury I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it’s me. It’s sick the way you people keep having sex without me. Do it right the first time, and maybe I’ll let you do it again A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth. Virginity - You use it, you loose it. Don’t shake me, don’t wake me, just take me! On average, everybody has one testical. I’m happily married - but my wife isn’t Women may not hit harder, but they may hit lower. 69 is being head over heels in love I’m not cheap! But I am on special this week. women fake orgasams, men fake foreplay. I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it. --Woody Allen Life’s a bitch. A good life is a lot of bitches! -- Steven B. Milum Accept me for what I am - completely unacceptable Hey, God only gave man so many hormones... If you choose to use yours to grow hair, that’s your business! I AM a virgin. I’m just not very good at it. Erotic, exotic, and a wee bit psychotic... If you can’t enjoy yourself, enjoy sombody else. In case of rape, this end up. I love sex; it’s free and it doesn’t require special shoes Oral sex is the answer - the question doesn’t matter I’ve had a wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it. Learned to lick from a lesbian Pet Peeve - Hookers that backwash wife VS. work - After 10 years work still sucks. Panties aren’t the best thing in the world, but their next to it! Women are lucky, they can get pussy when ever they want. One who objects to being a sex object, probably couldn’t be. Spank me when I’m bad, Spank me when I’m good, keep me confused! cunning linguists do it with words Never stick it in anything you can’t see clearly. I am thinking she is a virgin... or at least she used to be.--Short Circut, Ben f Paka