F55
Men are emotionally unavailable. So 'they' say ...
November 06 2014
Comments
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RHP User
10 years ago
We feel just as deeply as women, we just keep it too ourselves and show it in different ways. Except when the footy is on TV.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'Funlover71' We feel just as deeply as women, we just keep it too ourselves and show it in different ways. Except when the footy is on TV. My inability to control certain emotions has been a major stumbling block to my inner peace at times in my life. It's no fun having painful emotions gnawing away at your guts.
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RHP User
10 years ago
You must have been choosing a very specific kind of men…..(have you ever consider that )Personally, I feel much, and yearn for a deep connection again in my life. I been lucky to experience that and knows what it feels like. Many men seem afraid to show feelings….not all.If I trust my partner, if I feel respected and regarded and I feel a sense of morality and integrity in my partner I am extremely open and happy to share it all :)
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RHP User
10 years ago
Have the same depth if feeling as women. It's how they present those feelings that may differ. It's also culture, and upbringing. If they have sisters etc may impact in communication style. My husband is a quiet man. But years if military life. Fireman and law enforcement work where he has a gun and needs to keep his emotions in check all play a part. But he has the depth of feeling that I do. I just express in a different way. I have found the men I have been with are very generous to me in expressing feelings. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
Yes, I have considered that :) Note my OP wasn't just about my partners though. My dad and brothers are the same. - Posted from rhpmobile
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Twisted_Mister
10 years ago
The day my son was born - I didn't know I could love anybody that much, and to this day haven't stopped expressing that openly. We're emotionally available, but it depends on who we're with - some girls/ladies/females/chicks/women want us to be their rock, some want to have d&ms daily and some want us to cry during Dancing with the Stars evictions. The other team are just as hard to work out you know.... - Posted from rhpmobile
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SacralChakra
10 years ago
Are a mystery to me. I can't seem to find any men that are open and honest about them at all.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I saw my I ex cry twice in 16 years. The day our son was born and the day I told him I was leaving because of this reason. To not be told or shown by someone for years that they love you is enough to eventually make you snap. Him finally saying it on the day I left was too little too late :-(
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RHP User
10 years ago
All women become like their mothers,that is their tragedy.No man does,that is his..Oscar Wilde.... I think that men feel deeply,they just don't', can't or won't express their feelings as women do.....sometimes though,men seek out women,virtual strangers to talk to..sometimes sex workers, sometimes women on dating sites like RHP...men often don't have the friendships and support that women have....even if they have mates they talk about everything else except their emotions... That's how we have socialised men in this culture...and in my opinion given the violence directed at women .children and themselves it is a dangerous practice xxFreys
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6exxy
10 years ago
I am in touch with my feminine side and balance all things. I am deep waters and emotionally complex.
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MsJonesy
10 years ago
Just don't expect them all to show their emotions as openly or as often as women. I have some beautiful men in my life who have been open and willing to show their emotions, who thought deeply about their relationships and were willing to express themselves and their feelings. Everyone must express their emotions the way they see fit, and with the people they feel comfortable with. It would be natural for people to think that person should be their partner, but not necessarily so. I think it depends on the complexities of the relationship and if both people can take up the role of nurturer. If one is more often than not in the protector role (which is usually a man), then being emotionally vulnerable flies in the face of the role; that social conditioning Freya79 discussed. Sometimes it is better to weep alone and heal yourself, no matter what your gender.
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inspirit
10 years ago
If you see him with out a boner - make him a sandwich Men don't like to feel vulnerable. I don't think anyway.
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TallBaldSexy
10 years ago
Quoting 'Funlover71' We feel just as deeply as women, we just keep it too ourselves and show it in different ways. Except when the footy is on TV. Nailed it
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TallBaldSexy
10 years ago
Such deeply held unconditional love for my children. I tell them that I love them every single day. Not being in the same house all the time is something im still adapting to, not sure if I ever will. However when they are with me its 100% continually on duty - which makes me smile. The End.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Being or showing emotion is not weak or sad . Its Feeling !! A feeling with in yourself triggered by a moment or memory or just a thought ! Tears are acceptance Tears clear your vision Tears make you strong Tears are full of love I have cried many times From love From pain From joy From triumph From music From film From life From my heart and soul. To deny your emotion is to deny you life and love . Sincerely from a Deep Bigocean. - Posted from rhpmobile
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Paradisepair
10 years ago
Or then the other side is the over emotional little boys, stamping their foot and demanding they get what they want. But men and women are as good, evil and everything in between as each other. Balanced, cool guys rock and maybe they don't need to make big display of their emotions because they're feelings and not a stageshow. Far too many women play up their sensitivity to get a reaction, but I would say that as I prefer to keep my emotions private and just for the one I am emoting about (my beloved MrParadise 💕)...
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RHP User
10 years ago
Sorry burning but are you saying that just because other people express and deal with their feelings differently to you; that they're incapable of feeling anything at all?? You've made quite the assumption based upon a desire to see some kind of proof. So I'd ask how do you prove that YOU feel the emotions you do?? - Posted from rhpmobile
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Circe
10 years ago
Anyone who has spent time with children will know that little boys feel. They are as emotional as little girls, sometimes moreso. Society punishes them for showing their emotions and models detachment to them which is sad but I think things are changing. I'm certainly lucky enough to have men in my life who show their emotions and with whom I can have honest discussions about feelings. Create a safe place for them and choose your friends wisely...
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Plain
10 years ago
And the time of developing of your emotions fully ie late teens early 20s, guys were often ridiculed as blabbering again by all concerned family, girlfriend and their mates. Most of us never forget this painful time and put their feelings and emotions in a parcel at the far end of our memory universe. As I get older I find it easier to express my emotions, but the problem is being an impulsive person I can offend people by matter of fact telling or am not believed. In the past guilty of quitting then and there, now try and massage the message so to speak for a better understanding of delivering the message. Oh and I can still be guilty of blubbering!!
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RHP User
10 years ago
between being able to share your emotions, being able to talk and discuss whatever is going on…..and being an emotional baby in reaction and playing up emotional unresolved issues.Sharing, owning your shit, being able to contemplate something uncomfortable are signs of maturity and some level of growth….We all need to face sooner or later. Just my thoughts
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RHP User
10 years ago
So while more common in men, being unable or unwilling to express deeply felt emotion is not gender specific. I can't remember the last time I cried and I certainly don't emote, over-share or show vulnerability to anyone easily. Consequently I seem to attract (in my long term relationships) weaker men who like to lean on my apparent strength. This leads to a situation where I feel that I can't falter or fail as I'm the rock in the relationship. I would hazard a guess that many men feel the same.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'Funlover71' We feel just as deeply as women, we just keep it too ourselves and show it in different ways. Except when the footy is on TV. I agree we are probably the same, but I just don't feel the need to talk about it or discuss it. If I have a problem I will talk about it but in general I am very happy and very comfortable with my feelings and how I deal with them. In regards to my children well I play the fool , the mentor, the person who dishes out the discipline, the bank manager and the life coach & the completely embarrassing bloke to hide from. Anyone hurts my kids I would move heaven and earth to find them and do as I feel necessary
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RHP User
10 years ago
I'm almost insulted by the question, and certainly by some of the answers. Not sure wether to answer or not. Play thinking music.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I wear my heart on my sleeve but most time keep it check. I hug and freely give welcoming kisses to all the women in my life and man hug mates when it's needed without thinking about it.. ( dont read anything into it' Im straight ) Most of all ' I love my kids unconditionally and show it all the time. In saying that ' my best friend is a sour as a lemon when it comes to showing emotion. He once told me he loved me like a brother because of our friendship. but when I asked him to tell his wife and kids the same' he said he cant because he never has.. I know his background and was never shown love as a kid so I guess history repeats ...
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RHP User
10 years ago
We are probably more complex with our feelings xxx Like a safe you need the combination to crack it! That said In my experience the lady in our life can depict how we open up! Obviously we are all unique (robots)lol Timing is everything I suppose xxx Some moulds are cast male and female,never crack no matter how hard you try!!!
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'Funlover71' We feel just as deeply as women, we just keep it too ourselves and show it in different ways. Except when the footy is on TV. What fun said. we are equally emotional and the stigma attached with showing you are vulnerable is ever so slowly being torn down and men can totally be emotional, I would consider myself an over sharer :)
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'NoFuzz' between being able to share your emotions, being able to talk and discuss whatever is going on…..and being an emotional baby in reaction and playing up emotional unresolved issues.Sharing, owning your shit, being able to contemplate something uncomfortable are signs of maturity and some level of growth….We all need to face sooner or later. Just my thoughts I typed and retyped a response and it just sounded stupid but you have summed it up perfectly for me. I think because people don't wear their hearts on their sleeves or even look hard and unemotional, does not mean they are any less capable of feelings. Some are happy to let it all out and others keep their cards close to their chest.
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RHP User
10 years ago
We all have feelings, and we are all better for sharing them. The problem is that some people struggle with that. This can be for personal reasons, but outside of that there is the social / cultural stigma of men being open with their feelings. Thankfully this is being slowly but surely eroded, as mentioned above. Sharing feelings is not all about crying. That is a part of it yes, but it is about talking about how you feel no matter what the feeling. And not just with a partner. It takes time to get used to being open with people, but it is sooooo worth it. I have a couple of very close male friends, and a couple of very close female friends, and I talk about my feelings with them often. This might mean telling them about things that I worry about or fear, things that make me sad, angry, or happy or excited. The more you explain your feelings to others, the more they make sense to yourself as well. And this is the benefit (or one of) being emotionally available. And we need to pass this on to our children, if we are to make this world a better place. Boys and girls. As far as a partner goes, for me it is not at all a case of one being a rock and one a wreck. A healthy relationship is two people developing a strong emotional bond, and sharing things with each other. Nurturing each other, being there for each other. I won't be in any other type of relationship, hence I don't rush into them (anymore!). A great sense of security is felt when two people really look after each other, and freely share an intellectual, physical, philosophical and emotional connection. Our brains are wired for it. This is far more important than shared interests or things of that nature. And of course the sex has to be brilliant and intense or the whole thing is off. :-)
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RHP User
10 years ago
BUT, a lot of men just don't deal well with it or know how to express it in a healthy manner.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting '50zcool' I'm almost insulted by the question, and certainly by some of the answers. Not sure wether to answer or not. Play thinking music. Oh yes it exists, Maybe Burning_Love, it's not that they are emotionally un-available but that you are emotionally untrustworthy ?
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Twisted_Mister
10 years ago
By a couple of women that I'm 'hard to read'. I can't understand that as I'm generally confident, love a laugh and am very open. However as keepitsimple said, I've been in a relationship or two where I feel as though I've had to be the rock, which brings with it the necessity to get the job done because the other party's gone all weepy and flighty (not because of me btw!) Women are just as hard to read. It's not a bloke thing. - Posted from rhpmobile
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MsSuperFoxy
10 years ago
My take on it... Emotionally Unavailable = Unavailable right now! How I see it is, they are not bad boys, players or awful people - they do have great qualities, are "nice people", are human beings but I think sometimes people see those qualities and forget about someones availability to commit, unable to tap into their emotions or show vulnerability. To me it's about it’s about whether they are capable of shared love, care, trust and respect as well as whether they can come up with the goods for fulfilling relationships; such as being consistent, balance stability and able to be intimate with another (emotinal, sexual and non-sexual). I just don't like it when someone tries to convince me that they are "emotionally available" when their actions prove they are not or they blame it on timing...BLAH BLAH BLAH! They blow hot then cold...and when things get to hot they go back into their comfort zone. I have met "Emotionally Unavailable" men...All I can say is thank you for teaching me what signs/signals to look out for. :) Such a shame I am able to pick up on these behavior patterns...they are not for me. Foxy
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RHP User
10 years ago
You think my Dad decided I was emotionally untrustworthy from when I was a little girl? - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
once again we are confronted with the situation of stereotypes. In this case we build our perception mostly from personal experience, yet we are mired with cultural prototypes, both in the behavior we as individuals exhibit and the expectations we have been trained to expect. If asked the question Are men less emotional than women? I say not at all. To contemplate that would diminish the others emotional worth and aids only in widening the inequality between the sexes. Should bereavement, love, joy, anxiety, stress, etc be considered less simply because you are of a different sex, or the other way around should it be considered that the other sex overplays emotions. Again a diminishment of the worth and quality of another ups and downs. The problem with this question (and there are many) is that it is almost impossible to quantify the level of emotion between individuals. Attempting to do so (quantify) is fraught with the danger of misinterpretation. We are taught to behave according to social norms, this behavior can not be used to judge the veracity of an individuals emotional state, or to compare one persons level of emotion to another. This is especially pronounced in societies like ours where emotional expression is heavily censored in both sexes to conform to expectation. Is she overplaying an emotion because a woman is expected to cry when sad? or is he underplaying an emotion because he is not expected to cry when sad? Do men overstate the expression of joy while women understate the same joy? Will we ever know? It is easy to see how ill someone is, we simply measure their temperature but there is no emotion probe and without a reliable method we should not draw conclusions. Nor can we simply let it slide as at times we must act on the emotional state of another if needed. So for me I take the middle ground and err on the side of equality. I could go on and on about this subject yet willl leave it here, but to mention that the OP's questions should be more directed towards the differences in behavior and social expectation rather than the level, quantity, or quality of emotions.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I've met plenty of men who shared their emotions freely. However to me that doesn't mean that men who don't are necessarily missing out. I've heard many women say that if a man doesn't share his emotions freely, he must be internalizing and/or be in denial. But what if they're not, and this is what works for them? I can understand why 50zkool was offended.The assumption that men are emotionally unavailable is an incredibly stereotypical and sexist one in my view. OP, you end with: Depth of emotion in a man is therefore something I'm always looking for. Does it exist? What if a near identical forum was written by a guy about women, and he had closed with: Levelheadedness in a woman is therefore something I'm always looking for. Does it exist? I think he would have been crucified.
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PL1963
10 years ago
Fabulous post, this will show the "Men from the Boys". "Unavailable emotionaly, atm" to me, means, "need some time to evaluate this" or "can talk about it, but need an out". I will read all the other great post's, especially "Big O's" and make more comment's. Cheers P.L.
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Twisted_Mister
10 years ago
+1. Nothing more needs to be said. Brilliant. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
He probably would have been crucified. But not by me. Lots of women go pretty troppo in their relationships, so if that's all a man had experienced I'd have most likely understood his question. If I had good examples to offer him, I'd have most likely responded with those. The bottom line is that since I was a small child I've only experienced men with seemingly little heart and no real capacity to express love, tenderness, thoughtfulness and so on. There's been an exception but I found myself wondering if it was real or if I was clutching onto something that wasn't there. Looking back, I still wonder the same thing. I was surrounded by men as a child, literally dozens in my extended family, and very few women. The men were great at drinking, swearing, joking at everyone's expense, and generally being fairly heartless. I remember being teased and ridiculed mercilessly all through my hold good and adolescence. Tough to take for a young girl with a sensitive heart. There's a great deal more to the story but those details aren't important. The question I ask remains the same. Anyway, I freely admit this whole thing is a hang up of mine. And it's likely that I attract similar men, or just generally don't trust men emotionally or I put up walls or whatever psychobabble applies. I asked my questions because I'd like to learn something and I'd like to start to build some trust where I haven't had any. Twisted Mister's first post hit me right in the heart. I guess it was an example of what I'm always looking for - an expression of emotion that jolts me awake with it's rawness and intensity. As I said in my OP, this was a fairly personal post. Not easy questions to ask because they are naturally controversial, but absolutely no offense intended. The inadequacy is, I suspect, all mine. Twisted Mister, I'm grateful for your first post. Thanks so much for sharing it and for expressing the heart of it, rather than just explaining it. I turned a small emotional corner reading that :) - Posted from rhpmobile
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Lovinit28andKC72
10 years ago
Men and women are different, that's how it is and it's how I like it..... Really, we look at things differently, we act differently, we deal with things differently and we express ourselves differently. I personally don't want to hear it unless it's meant wholeheartedly, I have male friends that I love, I tell them, they tell me, we share our feelings, our thoughts, our lives, our tears and yes sometimes our beds.... I have 4 boys, I tell them daily that I love them, they tell me, they tell their sister, because I've always told them it's important to tell the ones that matter how you feel... Anyway you can look into someone's eyes and know, there are other ways of showing love, apart from words, after all they are just words and to feel loved is amazing....💋
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'Burning_Love' He probably would have been crucified. But not by me. (...) Anyway, I freely admit this whole thing is a hang up of mine. And it's likely that I attract similar men, or just generally don't trust men emotionally or I put up walls or whatever psychobabble applies. In the time I've read your posts I think you've you've man-bashed no more than I have (as in never), but it shows the questions and statements female posters can get away with, where a guy would have been vilified in my opinion. Agree, I think we do attract a certain type of partner subconsciously. I've seen too many people move from one abusive relationship to the next, while saying they wanted a partner who respected them. (Not victim shaming, but abusers and victims in my experience unfortunately have a way of finding each other.) I seem to attract men who are emotionally available, but are self-absorbed and have a terrible time paying compliments.
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MsSuperFoxy
10 years ago
*Shakes head in disbelieve* Foxy
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RHP User
10 years ago
I generally don't man bash. I will strongly object to things people say and do if I my opinion prompts me to, but I do that whether it's men or women who've posted. And I'm not objecting to the person or their gender, I'm usually objecting to their behaviour. On this particular topic, I'm saying I wouldn't have had a strong objection to the particular question you noted, if it had been posted by a man or by anyone. Interesting how you describe the kind if man you attract. A penny dropped for me reading it - personal and not something I wanted to share, but helpful and prompted by your sharing. Thanks. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
When a woman has emotional issues she goes to the back up of her girlfriends to talk through it and hopefully find an answer.when men have a similar problem we've been programmed to suck it up and move on.Hence we now have places like beyond blue and others that act like a private pressure release valve, cause we all know that big boys don't cry......when people are around.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'Meander' The assumption that men are emotionally unavailable is an incredibly stereotypical and sexist one in my view. OP, you end with: Depth of emotion in a man is therefore something I'm always looking for. Does it exist? What if a near identical forum was written by a guy about women, and he had closed with: Levelheadedness in a woman is therefore something I'm always looking for. Does it exist? I think he would have been crucified. The OP in it's entirety clearly reads to be based on reinforced personal experiences to date, therefore, by definition alone is not an assumption. I (for one) didn't think Burning_Love left room for interpretation (again, in the entirety of the OP) that she is looking to challenge her current belief system and as far as I can see, had little chance of doing that without asking the question and as controversial as it may be, should be commended - not taken a shot at ... jus sayn. Burning_Love - in short, yes. Depth of emotion does exist in a man.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Foxy, do tell.
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Tall74nHard9
10 years ago
highlighted by many in this post, you are looking to try and quantify something to a 'standard' equation. This does not exist, as we are all individual, have been brought up in differing family scenarios, and probably with differing cultural backgrounds. That is only going to magnify the possibilities available, and not really become and black and white answer. Some men will definitely have the abilities to show emotion on various subjects, some men will never show an emotion. This can also be a generational thing apart from the other items mentioned. They can also have, for example, a love for their favourite footy team and go along with the high's and low's of winning and losing - but may never know how to tell a woman how much they love them. As some have noted, there are societal expectations of men's and women's behaviour, and the suppression or acceptance of showing emotion in either. The subject is very complicated in the number of variables at play. Emotional expression can, and does, exist in men in general, but not all will show it openly, for a multitude of reasons. If you want to find the particular men that do show it, it really is a matter of searching for those that will be open about it. They genuinely do exist, but may be hard to spot. Tall
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Tall74nHard9
10 years ago
Quoting 'Meander' Agree, I think we do attract a certain type of partner subconsciously. I've seen too many people move from one abusive relationship to the next, while saying they wanted a partner who respected them. (Not victim shaming, but abusers and victims in my experience unfortunately have a way of finding each other.) I seem to attract men who are emotionally available, but are self-absorbed and have a terrible time paying compliments. In saying that you seem to attract a certain type of man, do you believe that it may be linked to a type of behaviour on your part, or is it something else that you see that initially appeals to you on a certain level, only to find out later that you should not have gone down that path ? Genuinely curious. Tall
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Twisted_Mister
10 years ago
Any time. We're there - you may not see us all the time, but we're there. - Posted from rhpmobile
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Hottie1
10 years ago
B_L continue your search for what you are looking for. I distinctly remember your Father's Day topic and I clearly see an alignment of that post with this one, I'll remember it because it resonated with me and my story. I sincerely hope I don't sound trite but I understand you. I was raised by an emotionally detached father and mother. My father was a mysogynistic, violent alcoholic and my mother, well......I did not know what feelings were because I never recognized them and you just didn't show them. I learnt that quickly on my 12th birthday, when my whole family forgot it was my birthday. I cried about it to my parents, got beaten for making a fuss and crying and was sent to bed. To this day I fucking hate birthdays! It took the great love of a man to show me that I am lovable. He accepts all my emotions, I can scream, cry (at movies, commercials, watching others cry etc). I'm told daily I'm loved and well, he is without doubt, the worlds best dad. This beautiful man happens to be my husband and recently he had a major health scare and is now recovering. I watched him react to getting the news he had cancer, I simple held his hand. I cried as I was listening, he listened intently. It rocked both of us, both of us handling the news differently. I have to say I wanted to see him cry etc, because I thought that was the only way to deal with such devastating news. We all have different emotional levels and I'm not trying to being presumptuous, but like you I looked at emotional availability through my own tarnished 'lens'. All I can add is it's out there, you'll find it again. Mary xx
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'Tall_n_Hard'I seem to attract men who are emotionally available, but are self-absorbed and have a terrible time paying compliments. In saying that you seem to attract a certain type of man, do you believe that it may be linked to a type of behaviour on your part, or is it something else that you see that initially appeals to you on a certain level, only to find out later that you should not have gone down that path ? Genuinely curious. Tall I suspect it's both. I obviously exude something that draws them in and I do initially like what I see in them on a superficial level. I soon get annoyed though and rarely end up with men like that for more than a few weeks. They remind me of my father, and from reading B_L's comments, I think she attracts men like her father too. I think women either end up with men who remind them of their dad or they run a mile. I'm one of the latter.
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RHP User
10 years ago
i personably can't believe this is is a question. We are human. We have feelings. I personally have watched all three of my boys being born and shed a tear if love and joy every time. I get emotional when I talk in the phone to their mother about how well they are getting along. I have had my heart ripped out and stomped on and it hurts. If I meet someone new I have feelings for them. Again we are human and we are emotional - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
What baffles me is how men can just turn their love off. It all becomes too hard so the easier, closer option will do. Men have a woman-shaped space in their heart that anyone can fill. The tragedy is that we women can't turn it off as easily. We would all be much happier if we could.
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RHP User
10 years ago
a soul mate should know what their partner is feeling, if you have to ask constantly how are you feeling/ what do you feel about this ...you are in the wrong relationship. as corny as it sounds you should be able to finish off your partners sentences with some degree of accuracy.you should be in synch ...
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RHP User
10 years ago
I certainly feel deeply! And it can be absolutely awesome and curse at the same time! i think i used to be a stereotypical "aussie" guy, didn't show to much emotion though i still felt it. Until in my last relationship and i found out i could just be me and it was unbelievably liberating. i kinda think its a guy thing to not show to much emotion, i felt like it wasn't the done thing when i was growing up!
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init4thesex
10 years ago
I'm not sure it does... my father was not an emotional man nor was he affectionate but he worked two jobs to give us what we needed... would finish one job at 2am and be up at 6 to take us where we had to go for our horse riding and what ever spare time he had he would spend making sure the car and float were safe to keep us safe...could a father show how deeply he loved his kids anymore ??? I believe men love just as deeply but are taught from a very young age to be the "stronger sex" and not to show it or maybe it's the whole Mars and Venus thing we just have two different ideas but if we agreed on everything it would be rather boring wouldn't it....
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Tall74nHard9
10 years ago
Thank you kindly for your reply. Have you ever been able to figure out what it is that seems to attract the 'wrong' sort of men ? I know it may possibly be more than a single 'behaviour' so to speak - was just wondering if you may be conscious of what you may be doing, and maybe modify your approach a little to avoid going down similar paths ? Are there any aspects in common that you may have noticed that ends up being the annoyance to yourself - that if you can recognize particular traits you might be able to steer clear ? Much appreciated for your comments. Tall
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RHP User
10 years ago
Burning_Love, thanks for having the courage to start and continue a topic that was very personal to you, and which you knew could get controversial. For what it's worth, while I did raise my eyebrow a little at the name of the topic, you explained yourself well. I'm not offended and am happy to participate. There have been some amazing posts thus far. I'll try not to repeat what's already been suggested, I'll try to come up with some new offerings. It's possible anyone interested in these topics has already heard of the following authors, who are all best sellers and pop-psychology staples. I'm going to suggest borrowing from them all in order to get a 'bigger picture'. Italian sociologist Vilfredo Pareto first noted what is now called the Pareto Principle or 80/20 Rule. Over a given human population, there seems to be a natural 80/20 percent split. Though it's usually used in economics and business, I suspect it has value in gender tendencies. Perhaps instead of saying men seem to be emotionally unavailable, it's a tendency that's shown in around 80% of males. Eighty is a big enough number to seem like 'everyone', but twenty is significant also, and I suggest there are 20% of the male population who are very emotionally sensitive and available. Check out Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages, which suggests everyone gives and receives love, but people communicate it in different ways. When one person only knows how to show love in one 'language,' and another really needs to receive it in quite a different language, the result is neither feels very close to the other. Though the languages that work for individuals seem to be hard-wired, people can learn to use the others, too, like any other skill. Howard Gardner is famous for authoring the Theory of Multiple Intelligences. Emotional intelligence being one. Daniel Coleman's book Emotional Intelligence and its follow-ups honed-in on 'EQ' in particular. Like intellectual or musical intelligence, a person's EQ depends on complex factors. There's an element of in-born natural talent, an element of learning from family and early childhood experiences ('nature' and 'nurture'). There's also someone's experiences in later life. Like learning more facts about the world, or practicing a musical instrument, emotional intelligence can be learned and cultivated through practice. It usually happens as a side-result, what another poster mentioned as 'maturity'. It can also be learned and practiced intentionally by someone who has the information and the desire. Also, check out the related dimension of social intelligence. The last subject I'll namedrop is the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator of personalities. People can do the 'test' and find out which of the 16 personality archetypes they are most like. It's possible that partners in a relationship, or parents and their children, have very different personality types. While some of the types are more common in either men or women, there are men and women of every type in a large enough population. That means there are women who operate mainly in logical ways who have trouble understanding very emotional types. There are also intuitive, emotional men. Maybe around 80% of men belong to the most common cluster of male personality types, leaving about 20% with the others. Someone can only show the kind of love or depth of emotion that they have learned. For men to be able to show and communicate deep affection in words, either they are from the minority of men for whom that comes naturally, or they have somehow learned how to do it throughout their lives. If their fathers were distant, and their father's fathers were distant, chances are they are only going to know how to be somewhat distant fathers themselves. Ditto for lovers, or any other emotional relationship. If you want to find men who are already loaded with EQ, look for the 20%, with the Myers-Briggs types as a guide to hone-in on types more likely to be there.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I can clearly picture the men of your family, hard men. I don't think you see that so much these days? I have had men tell me before that they were brought up to be strong and that a man can not afford to be emotional. Do we date our mothers and fathers to sort out our issues? I don't know but I have heard that before numerous times. I am definitely not dating my Dad... But the other day I was talking about my lover to my mother and she was very complimentary about him and the way he does things and I suddenly realised..... I think I am dating my mother! :O I was watching a TED talk yesterday by Helen Fisher and she mentions how women's verbal side of the brain is more developed than men. Women are verbalisers, we are better at negotiation, the human sciences, and dealing with people. No surprises there, however I found it intersting that our verbalisation (?) peaks as we are ovulating. Lol. She also mentioned how men and women view intimacy differently. It was just a side note so not sure if it was said in half jest. She states that women display intimacy by face to face interaction while looking into the other persons eyes. Man, woman, child, etc. We have learnt this through millions of years Of child rearing where we are looking into a babies face to communicate and to teach. Men on the other hand have intimate discourse side by side looking out. She says this is from millions of years when someone had to always be on the lookout for danger. So when one man looks at the other, the other dude is looking ahead. LOL.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I understand why you are upset, but Burning_Love is asking a genuine question from her own personal experiences. Of course men feel deeply. They go to war to protect their families and their country for example. Burning_Love, sounds like you were bullied by your family. That isn't right. I hope you find what you are looking for. xxx
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'Meander' Quoting 'Burning_Love' He probably would have been crucified. But not by me. it shows the questions and statements female posters can get away with, where a guy would have been vilified in my opinion. Agree, I think we do attract a certain type of partner subconsciously. I've seen too many people move from one abusive relationship to the next Perhaps it's not so much what is said but the way it is said that makes all the difference as to wether or not people get crucified? There lot to be said in subconsciously attracting certain types of people irrespective of the nature of the relationship. I saw something recently (may have been on FB) along the lines of 'people that come into our lives are either lessons or blessings'. I tend to think that they are both a lesson and a blessing and wether we see it at the time or not, we're repeatedly drawn to the same type of people until we 'get it'.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Let's not make this forum about my behavioural patterns, shall we?
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RHP User
10 years ago
Damn, freelyme, why don't you live in Sydney?
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Tall74nHard9
10 years ago
Quoting 'Meander' Let's not make this forum about my behavioural patterns, shall we? was just trying to strike up a genuine repertoire concerning the comments you had make in your answers to the OP - was not meant to be intrusive. Tall
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RHP User
10 years ago
Men feel the same, they have an inbuilt coping mechanism to shut down and not speak when there is something wrong. It is only when it comes to crisis stage that they will engage and share the emotions. (mostly the younger generation, the baby boomers still struggle, men don't cry) Usually when it's too late. Boys are apprentice men, they are learning how to act like nothing bothers them.Men love with all their heart but are so easily distracted by the built in instinct to breed. The only way to get to a man emotionally, unless he is at braking point is to give him a blow job or ride his cock. This will help with the conversation. Much like women being bought flowers or taken for a beautiful meal.In my opinion :)
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RHP User
10 years ago
Thanks for clarifying and sharing your personal experience... My father was a hard man,he grew up in the Bush and in his heart never really left it...it was a tough life,and I think Henry Lawson perfectly captures this history..particularly in the Drover's Wife...stoicism it seems to me has become embedded in our national psyche,Jung talks of the collective unconcious,Buddhists refer to Group Karma..but I think it is generational learnt behaviour....Merciless and cruel teasing under the guise of "humour" were part of my father's arsenal of abuse.The leather belt,the stick,the foot and the hand were there too.....Neither my father or mother ever told me they loved me...I think within them both was a hardness, an emotional blunting... but in a way I thank them every day my daughter and I tell each other that we love the other.. Sometimes parents are reverse role models,they teach us how not to be....I am sorry for your experience of men in your family BL,their behaviour towards you was cruel and abusive xxFreya
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Stantheman222
10 years ago
What did I just say?I think it's true.Some say women are from Venus and men are from Mars.For all you trekkies out there, you will know that Vulcans are driven to strict logic and never show emotions.This is not because they don't have any emotions but rather that they have had to supress them, because previously, their emotions ruled their actions and caused prolonged wars and general disharmony.Enough of the SciFi. Up until very recently, in our own history, men have been expected to be strong and brave etc.This has meant that "we" are frowned upon for being on the softer side.Other aspects of being emotional, involves feelings, such as jealousy, feeling of loss, when a relationship goes bad and generally men feel it very deeply, in fact desperately.There are many suicides, alcohol and drug abuse that can be directly attributed to these emotions.We have also been traditionally the bread winners looking after the rest of the family etc.On the flip side, as more women are becoming the breadwinners and more independent there seems to be somewhat of a role reversal or at least women taking on more of the characteristics of the men.I could be wrong but women are now more assertive, less emotional than the were in the past.It's confusing times for a lot of people and I think a lot of males and females are having a few issues adjusting to the different signals being sent in society. In summary are men emotional?Yes, but we have been trained not to show them.No Judgements here, just an opinion.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I just finished a bit of a sob-fest. Some of the posts in this thread, and some messages sent to me, have been incredibly thoughtful. Thank you. SlipperyHalo, I've read a few of those books. They've certainly made a positive impact on me and, while I remain incredibly skeptical about personality profiling, my MB result is a word perfect description of me. I never thought to use that insight to help me understand men a little better, but now I will. freelyme, magic post, thanks. Meeka, Freya, Meander and others who acknowledged my experiences, big thanks. Acknowledgment is a great healer. I actually didn't write the post to talk about me, but rather to learn about men. I ended up talking a little about me to help better explain myself. I'm grateful for the sensitive responses and deeply grateful to the men who've written real examples that I can tuck away in my heart-bank, to start replacing the old and crappy examples I have. I believe we all just want to love and be loved, so to those of you whose lives have been short on love, I'm sorry. I hope things have or do improve x - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
Getting Star Trek and emotionally availability into the same post. Nicely played ;) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
Men and women are different. As different as two halves of the same species can be. Some days I am surprised that we are interfertile. We are raised differently depending on gender, and depending on the generation our parents belong to (and socioeconomic circumstances, ethnicity, religion etc). Societal pressure/peer group pressure also have profound effects. Then there are health/psychological effects - try going without sleep for 20 years and see what that does to your emotional stability. Generalisations on this subject are extremely dangerous. To do any substantive analysis would require the examination of an individuals specific circumstances.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Kinda funny how different people show their feelings. Mr wrench actually is more able to express his emotions then I am . That's not to say he's a big bag full of overwhelming feelings nope he's as manly as any other man he's just very adept at making his feelings known and his love for our children is expressed every day as he shows them and tells them . - Posted from rhpmobile
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blackbig
10 years ago
Men and women can choose to be emotionally detached, depends on many other factors. It could be because of traumatic experience in the past , subconsciously can be a result of lack of affection, connection or love or just because it isn't the right time to be so. The problem tend to arise when a woman expects emotional attachment to a person who isn't at the same wavelength, in the early stage of a relationship particularly😀 If one is given a chance and time , emotional attachment may gradually build up. My opinion is sometimes men are forced to early to commit their emotions. Just my opinion😜 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
I would agree with that, just from this forum and listening to girlfriends, the "where is this going talk" seems to happen very early on in the piece for some women. Sometimes after a few dates, maybe not so much them wanting a commitment, but certainly they want to know the man's intentions. Serious, casual, could you get serious, etc. I mean sometimes it can take you a few months to really think... Yeah I really like this person maybe this could go somewhere. Doesn't it? I would have thought the "love at first sight" or knowing that something will be serious straight up would be few and far between.... Or maybe some people just fall in love much more quickly that others as a general rule?
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RHP User
10 years ago
You guys started a great new topic and I like the flavour…..expectations , commitments, projections….All interesting aspects of what we are subject to in everyday life :) :)
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transguywa
10 years ago
This is a topic I've recently had to confront on more than just a few occassions... a topic I didnt think would ever be an issue until it started to directly effect me. As a trans man I guess you could say I've experienced this from both sides of the fence... Previously, living as a woman, I always considered myself to be quite emotional and I felt things very deeply etc but was also able to express my emotions very easily. What I didnt realise was actually how guarded I could often be and despite my thinking I was communicating most of my emotions, I kept a lot of them bottled up inside. Now, finally transitioning and living as a trans man, I find myself actually a lot more in touch with my emotions and far more open about them as well. I still feel very deeply and am effected by many things day to day... both good and bad. I cry regulary... Tears of joy, from laughter, tears of frustration, tears from loss and love etc. I also find myself writing a lot more these days about my thoughts and feelings, an urge to express my emotions a lot more and in this manner. The interesting thing is though, where once my emotions were never an issue, never really questioned and the like, now they have come open to scrutiny and I even find myself under attack at times and having to defend myself for even feeling something! I've been told I shouldnt cry, I should express myself the way I do, that 'men' just dont do that! I've even had people suggest I get my hormone levels checked coz 'its just not cool' to be so open and honest about things as I am. Unfortunately there are a LOT of people out there that seem to resort to these kinds of stereotypes and assumptions that only women are allowed to having feelings and express it and that men are meant to be these hard as nails types not effected by anything at all. . Shame. I however am very happy where I am at emotionally now, and am more confident expressing myself and my feelings than I ever have been before. I think its the whole process of finally being true to myself that has allowed me to be this way and Im a much better man for it!
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TallBaldSexy
10 years ago
Quoting 'wren79' Kinda funny how different people show their feelings. Mr wrench actually is more able to express his emotions then I am . That's not to say he's a big bag full of overwhelming feelings nope he's as manly as any other man he's just very adept at making his feelings known and his love for our children is expressed every day as he shows them and tells them . - Posted from rhpmobile Well BL may have tucked a few great examples of humanity away which is really great - Wren - with your post I can tuck one away comfortably too. - No doubt you live this attitude naturally every day, ipso facto your post above. Please send me a list of all of your single friends with similar attitudes.
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TallBaldSexy
10 years ago
Quoting 'Twisted_Mister' The day my son was born - I didn't know I could love anybody that much, and to this day haven't stopped expressing that openly. We're emotionally available, but it depends on who we're with - some girls/ladies/females/chicks/women want us to be their rock, some want to have d&ms daily and some want us to cry during Dancing with the Stars evictions. The other team are just as hard to work out you know.... - Posted from rhpmobile
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blackbig
10 years ago
It is nice to hear something similar from a woman perspective. I believe men get put off very quickly when heavy demands are put on the table very early on. Even blokes like me who are predominantly looking for NSA or FWB, can easily be pursued to change the status quo if we encounter an amazing person, that we can get to know well and particularly if we click and share common interests...😍 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
My thoughts are man suffer in silence and it's slightly harder for man to let walls down once there up! For me I've had my heart ripped out n stamped on... When a lady gets hurt from last lives I feel that it's slightly easer for her to recover as she has what guys want and there for gets to choose a new interest but the male (more so older guys) have to not only deal with the walls of hurt but the rejection and possible misunderstanding that they did wrong... Man can live love n laugh like girls do it's just they must suffer in silence
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RHP User
10 years ago
Despite the fact that I'm ultimately looking for more than NSA/FWB etc, I absolutely agree with both of you about how common it is for women to get grabby and expectant about a man committing. At the risk of being controversial, I tend to think women doing this is a big reason why so many men are wary and insist they want NSA only. - Posted from rhpmobile
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happy0450
10 years ago
Quoting 'Burning_Love' Despite the fact that I'm ultimately looking for more than NSA/FWB etc, I absolutely agree with both of you about how common it is for women to get grabby and expectant about a man committing. At the risk of being controversial, I tend to think women doing this is a big reason why so many men are wary and insist they want NSA only. - Posted from rhpmobile Dear BL, Great you ask, and without presupposed judgement For me, it is hard to imagining loving my kids more, and they know this. My closest friends know as well how if feel about them, its a wonderful things share in abundance. It is then perfectly conceivable that many if not most of the men on RHP are capable of love, equally, that many can without reservation, express this and be open with their emotions. Why then does it not happen as much as you or others would want on RHP ? I think its for the reason in your quote above. Even though both parties enter a FWB relationship, it is highly likely that one or other (not necessarily always the woman) will want more. By definition, FWB lends itself to this. You are friends, you have dinner and breakfast together, you go for romantic walks, see shows, you make love, with all the emotional and chemical reactions in our hearts and minds that follow. And then one party wants more, wants too be together more of the time, every weekend, gets disappointed when work or other commitments take you away The result, you back off from the relationship, stay friends, but without the "benefits". The next time, you try and be really, really clear in the beginning, but the cycle continues. As part of the being clear, you care, but you try to avoid the deeper emotional connection or at least communicating it, this may be seen as lacking "deeper feeling" My best answer is, at the basis of almost all our existence is a desire to love and be loved. Sadly, often on this type of site its rare or both sides to be at the same place with respect to relationship depth at the same time, otherwise we would be on eharmony. Hope that helps ?
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6exxy
10 years ago
There seems to both men and women who are here in a transitional stage of life. They ultimately want that partner, but have just come out of a relationship and maybe need that break. Time to refresh, reflect and gather themselves for the next phase. In the mean time.......a little party never goes astray🎉 One day hopefully magic will happen what then? What if they don't recognise the opportunity? What if they are not ready for it when it comes? Being emotionally unavailable has its downside too. We all need to be more open minded. Meet people because you ain't a partner to your computer. You never know what could happen when you get out and enjoy yourself😘
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