F56
Monogamish Relationships
April 03 2013
Comments
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RHP User
12 years ago
I guest I must be one of the more conservative people over here. You could call me a Conservative Liberal. I know it is an oxymoron if there ever was one. For me, and I think for a lot of people, monogamous relationships helps build trust between the couple. Breaking that trust will hurt the other person and that is something I don't want to do. Humans are not designed to be monogamous? It depends on whether you look at a relationship in terms of just sex and making babies. If you want a deeper connection, then I really can't see how a polyamorous relationship can work. It is difficult to have deep feelings for more than one person. You can have feelings, but most will be shallower I think. Perhaps I might not be the right person to say anything as I'm currently not in a relationship nor have I been in one where I went I want to be with this woman for the rest of my life.
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RHP User
12 years ago
When hubby and I tied the knot about six years ago (and we've been together about 13 years now), we both entered our marriage true to our vows and we have not diverted off that track since. We are monogamish as you call it and we are still together though we have played or intend to play with people who would like to play with us. In our hearts we believe we still remain true to our vows despite embarking on this swinging lifestyle because we go into this with both of our eyes open, nothing happens without the others say so and we don't play alone as we only play as a couple and there are no secrets or hidden agendas - this is us, take us as we are or not at all. What lead us to embarking on this lifestyle started back before we got married - we visited a swingers club/bar/lounge in NZ and we were just bf/gf then. I found the club one day on my lunch break and was naturally very curious to check it out - he agreed. So when we decided to make a hop skip and jump over to Australia and then check out the online community (once again it was my idea) we didn't know at the time if it would be to our liking. After a few hick ups to say the least, as a couple, we have learned a lot and grown up a whole heap. We feel our profile is quite specific and reflects our ideals perfectly in order to generate interest not only in potential playmates but firstly and most importantly, a friendship before all else. That's what we want and that is what we are comfortable with. Some highlights of this journey so far has been the huge learning curve we had to endure in order to both get on the same page with what we want. It was a game of hit and miss and in hindsight, I can probably understand why some couples out there may or may not understand the highs and lows you go through as a couple in this lifestyle. And that brings me to the pitfalls....once upon a time there was a couple who went into the swinging lifestyle with their eyes wide open but then realised once they were through the doors just how closed minded they really were. When they were able to articulate their wants and needs and went forth in unison, rather than separate ideals, their eyes were opened and they are and continue to have fun and they lived happily ever after....;-) Great topic to raise karynb...:-). And I hope you get the perspective you are after.
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Smilingwithfun
12 years ago
research does suggest we aren't meant to be monogomous,but then research is about a number not the individual. In my last long term relationship we did play a little bit. It certainly enhanced our sex life & allowed for exploration of some fantasies that can't be achieved in a couple situation eg mmf & mff. The biggest piitfall was meeting the right people. The biggest thing we learnt very quickly was never take one for the team. There had to be an attraction for both or it didn't happen. Communication is the BIG thing. You need to talk,talk & talk some more. I see the occassional post on here & i think,hey,that's a question for your partner not the broader community. Again communication.
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RHP User
12 years ago
I haven't heard of that term before.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Me either! Just googled it. The definition I found was "A relationship that is mostly monogamous but occasionally exceptions are made for sexual play" with others I presume. Monogamous with an ish added. :P
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Mischeviouslad
12 years ago
The term Monogamish is a reference to the fact that she is considering a move to Pennsylvania, live a simple life of straw hats, long dresses, barn-raising and making lemonade. lol ;-) DG
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RHP User
12 years ago
Well said mate you are not the only one. I could not be in a serious relationship that isn't monogamous. I would not want to share the intimate interaction between myself and my partner, because it is what defines our relationship. People can say it is just sex, but to me you have to connect with someone on a deeper level to actually make it enjoyable. When you are in a relationship people say there are different types of love, but I believe love is consideration, appreciation, respect, loyalty, communication with a desire to be together always. The sexual interaction and desire to be together separates our relationship from the relationship we have with friends and family. I will probably be slammed for saying that, but its my opinion and others can have their own. I would always want to show off my partner to the world, but I am selfish in the fact that I would want to keep our intimacies and compassion, caring and sexual desire for each other sacred and just between the two of us, with no other parties involved. Research can never answer for everyone on the planet, it makes assumptions based on the current technology they have at the time. There is not one research paper that doesn't share separated opinions, therefore it can always be concluded that there will always be an exception to the rule. We might be designed to behave in one way, but we have a choice to behave in another. An example of this in relation to monogamy is nuns who have devoted their lives to a higher power, or people who are born asexual with little interest of sexual activity whatsoever. We should stop letting research define us and instead define ourselves.Quoting 'zu7bcv' I guest I must be one of the more conservative people over here. You could call me a Conservative Liberal. I know it is an oxymoron if there ever was one. For me, and I think for a lot of people, monogamous relationships helps build trust between the couple. Breaking that trust will hurt the other person and that is something I don't want to do. Humans are not designed to be monogamous? It depends on whether you look at a relationship in terms of just sex and making babies. If you want a deeper connection, then I really can't see how a polyamorous relationship can work. It is difficult to have deep feelings for more than one person. You can have feelings, but most will be shallower I think. Perhaps I might not be the right person to say anything as I'm currently not in a relationship nor have I been in one where I went I want to be with this woman for the rest of my life.
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RHP User
12 years ago
it appeared a lot smaller in the dialogue box ;-(
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RHP User
12 years ago
What a great term then. I think it describes us really well as we aren't in what we'd define as an "open" relationship. We play with other people as a couple, we aren't interested in playing separately, or forming relationships with other people (aside from friendships). The true intimacy stuff is reserved for each other and the play with others is quite different, more recreational sex than truly intimate sex. So to answer the OP:Do you give credence to the research that suggests that humans are not designed to be monogomous ?Somewhat. We've had breaks and dry spells from the lifestyle over the time we've been swinging and every time we get back into it we love it and wish we had more time to do it. I think being with only one person for the rest of one's life sexually would be become a bit boring. I think it'd be hard to be in love with more than one partner though, I wouldn't advocate that situation. What led you to the belief that this was the right alternative for you? I had been playing before I met Mr Otori, and he had always fantasized about it, had some small experiences before. About six months into living together we both were broaching the subject and were so happy when we realised we both were into it and wanted to experience it together.What have the highlights and pitfalls been?Highlights: Meeting new sexy people and having butt-loads of fun fulfilling our fantasies.Pitfalls: The odd crazy person/drama couple. Have had some issues with someone who became a little too attached to Ms Otori, but we just don't swing with them anymore and it's all fine. Nothing so far that has put us off.
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Cheekyarses
12 years ago
I believe it is human nature to wonder, fantasize, think about having sex with another person while in a relationship..... Sex most certainly can make or break a relationship - some ppl have been together for a very long time n never had sex with anyone but them... Would that relationship become dull n boring after awhile.... This lifestyle has been in the back of our mind for many years, it wasn't until Mr Cheeky got the ball rolling n introduced us to this sight! Sex can unleash a new n exciting adventure that you never knew could be possible! Would there be less affairs n divorces if relationships were more open n were willing to allow each other the space to explore n forfil a fantasy! If the marriage or partnership is truly truly strong then this lifestyle can be the best option
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RHP User
12 years ago
Personally, I think monogamy is a 2-part concept; Emotional monogamy and sexual monogamy and therefore I don't think the label is applicable to us and our (almost) 19 year long relationship. My love is 'monogamous' and as such, our family unit is too. But yes, we have sex with other people - a process that we agreed together and enjoy together and which has formed it's own 'joint relationship'. And while not a 'love' relationship, it is founded on sex and friendship and is immensely rewarding. Biologically, I don't believe people evolved to only have sex with one person; that defies the essence of evolutionary biology and sexual selection (of which I'm a believer). In my view, sexual (and emotional) monogamy is a social construct. Swinging allows us to indulge in our 'base instincts' while remaining true to our choice of emotional monogamy and ongoing family stability. Ultimately, it's personal choice. What works for some, doesn't work for others. Pitfalls (in our experience)are not communicating well enough in the early days and the challenges in finding the right couple - 4x4 attraction isn't always easy to find lol and we are delighted that our long term FWB are part of our lives. Will follow this topic with interest. Mrs IAT.- Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
12 years ago
Hmmmm monogamy and relationships are very much like an all you can eat buffet. So many different versions, it becomes a designer commodity, that all parties involved have an input to define :) Personally I like monogamy, but I also love sharing someone knowing full well they're coming home with me more :) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
12 years ago
I now feel like a total git for assuming monogamish = monogamy. Thanks for pointing this out Meeka.
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Mr_MrsAraps
12 years ago
and have enjoyed reading everyones responses
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RHP User
12 years ago
I.A.T...sums it up quite nicely indeed.. :) we also like Cheeky's description.. :)
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RHP User
12 years ago
Being monogamous, an also not. We enjoy our one on one life immensely, but totally enjoy having sex with other likeminded couples. We all as humans "check out" the opposite sex, and why shouldn't we? It's healthy to do so. We were introduced some time ago by some good friends to swinging and have never turned back, its so sexy, it enhances and stimulates an already great union. We have enjoyed some great times with some very nice people, and have come across some "different souls" as well. But this in no way has deterred us from enjoying what we both like..Swinging!
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lovman8
12 years ago
Monogamy is probably a male invention to ensure women don't fuck around so he knows "his" children are his, because ultimately ( without dna testing after the birth) men can never be 100% sure while women can be certain child is genetically half theirs.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Load of horse pucky! Research can be interpreted anyway the researcher wishes and it is up to each individual. I am selfish. I do not share. I do not want my partner having sex with any one but me. Forget monogamish....clearly just another term for those that stray outside of their relationship to justify their actions. So all those countless couples who have remained faithful to each other must be wrong. Silly them! They could have been out ther bonking their little hearts out because research said they should? Personally I have absolutely no trouble wanting only one man and my partner can have sex with anyone and everyone he wants.... provided he does not expect our relationship to last. Them or me!!!!! Sex can and will beak apart a relationship but there is so much more to a relationship than sex. It is not the be all and end all of coupledom - Posted from rhpmobile
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Paradisepair
12 years ago
He coined the term, officially anyway. He was the thing that 'led us' into thinking this was an alternative option for us.
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wannabyummymummy
12 years ago
Handmaiden i dont think that anyone is saying that those 'countless couples who have remained faithful to eachother' are wrong and while i dont necessarily entertain the notion that monogomy is not natural or that it is impossible i think that all relationships are about what works for the couple and for some that does not include being sexually exclusive with eachother.you are more than entitled to have your opinion and your own rules for your relationship just as those who choose a different path are entitled to theirs, live and let live i say Quoting 'Handmaiden' Load of horse pucky! Research can be interpreted anyway the researcher wishes and it is up to each individual. I am selfish. I do not share. I do not want my partner having sex with any one but me. Forget monogamish....clearly just another term for those that stray outside of their relationship to justify their actions. So all those countless couples who have remained faithful to each other must be wrong. Silly them! They could have been out ther bonking their little hearts out because research said they should? Personally I have absolutely no trouble wanting only one man and my partner can have sex with anyone and everyone he wants.... provided he does not expect our relationship to last. Them or me!!!!! Sex can and will beak apart a relationship but there is so much more to a relationship than sex. It is not the be all and end all of coupledom - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
12 years ago
Before you get on your high horse... I did say it was up to each individual did I not? - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
12 years ago
A considered OP, and delightful responses (including wannabyummymummy, so gently put) have given me pause for thought. Interest question (inadvertently) posed above... what does define a relationship? What is the core around which all else can change and oscillate? Look forward to more! - Posted from rhpmobile
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Cheekyarses
12 years ago
InAdditionToo - I agree.... Well said x
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wannabyummymummy
12 years ago
spot on, couldnt have put it better myself (ps glad to see you back in the forums again)Messolonghi thanks for your kind mention
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RHP User
12 years ago
Any Amish on here from Pennsylvania that care to set us all straight? Loved the movie Kingpin by the way... A real hoot.
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RHP User
12 years ago
How did the Amish people get on here, USA? They do not use modern technology. Although, I do have to say I plan to party tonight like it's 1699.
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RHP User
12 years ago
with a gf at work. She was of the opinion that a mono could be retained for a few years but then her mind would dtart to stray(this is soley based on past relationships). Mees was of the opinion that Ide rather enter a swining lifystyle with a partner and both be there at the same time and enjoy, I actually consider this a mono relationship. Sure we would both be fucking different people but if we are playing with each other while playing with others isnt that mono. Personally dont understand open relationships as that seems to me like, meh cant be bothered seperating from you due to financial reasons, Ill get my jollies from someone else but hey we work well together to pay the house of (or raise the kids) Summary Ill stay a unicorn :P Except I seem to be spending more time with a gf. So please ignore everything I have written.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Mrs IAT that is - nice summary. Monogamish comes naturally to us, but it's not the norm, and it definitely won't work for everyone.We dont exactly have an open relationship, but we both play alone occasionally. Sometimes the opportunity just comes up and it would be silly to say no! There's always confession and discussion afterwards and it's never been an issue.We play as a couple as well but look at this differently, really as part of our monogamous relationship. Sure there might be others in the bed, but it's still us as a couple together.The young-uns today seem to be a lot more open about these things, so I suspect the monogamous relationship is just another of the old traditions that will become more and more optional as time goes by.I love progress!Mr C
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RHP User
12 years ago
I think this is a really interesting topic and, like most things which may be considered a bit 'taboo', we put our own spin on things to suit our needs. I had one wife.............loved her, did not share her, and did not see anyone else during my marriage. Since then, I have explored various combinations and I have met married couples.............only one of which I would say I can really understand and which, thinking of them, helps me understand this topic more. I believe that it is possible that you may completely love only one person..............and you may feel monogamous in that sense.................yet you are sharing sexual experiences with other people..............BUT NOT LOVE. If it was me........sharing my wife ( if I had one ), I do not believe that my emotions could cope with seeing her with other men. Sure, I'd get the adrenalin rush..........but I'd have so many questions in my mind after it was all over."Did she enjoy him too much???"lol So it's whatever works for all parties and, as someone said previously, you do not do something you don't want to do............just to make someone happy. Honesty is important. That brings me to another point...........the OP indicated that most marriages on here are monogamish........and I guess they are...........we just need a new word to explain that they only love each other, but share sexual experiences with others. Finally, I have met some so called monogamous couples who insiist they only play together...............but I am contacted by only one of them wanting to play without the others' knowledge. Sadly, many of the couples I have chatted to on here have turned out to be single men.............the wife is never available.
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wannabyummymummy
12 years ago
Now i dont beleive i was rude in my response and by no means was i on any kind of horse but just to clarify yes you did say it was 'up to the idividual' i didnt dispute that; what i did dispute was your comment that those in non monogomous relationships think that everyone else is doing it wrong. perhaps it is you that should pop down off your high horse, just because some disagrees with you. Quoting 'Handmaiden' Before you get on your high horse... I did say it was up to each individual did I not? - Posted from rhpmobile
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wannabyummymummy
12 years ago
so i realise i dont think i actually answered the OP's topic (my bad)Do you give credence to the research that suggests that humans are not designed to be monogomous ? No not really, i think that SOME humans are quite happy with a monogmus lifestyle and like everything in human nature there will always be some who prefer to do things a little differently. What led you to the belief that this was the right alternative for you? It was kind of by accident really i never thought of myself as the kind of person who 'plays well with others' or that i would be the kind of wife who would enjoy openly sharing her husband but as our relationship, love and trust grew we became more and more open to the idea and as we are very open with our fantasies and desires it became clear to both of us that perhaps there were some boxes sexually that we required someone else's assistance with to 'tick off' in the end it works well for us and we will continue in this way of life until it stops working for us. What have the highlights and pitfalls been? Highlights?? that's easy Met some amazing people, met some awesome friends and had the most mind blowing sex (with eachother and others) our communication with eachother just gets better every day. pitfalls? well things dont always go to plan sometimes you meet people who dont quite have thier shit together and things just dont connect as you would like, sometimes you build up a scenario in your mind and the reality doesnt quite measure up, but really that is all part of the experience itself so maybe not a pitfall per say.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Monogamy is a myth. An artificial construct crafted by convention. There are very few examples of genuine monogamous coupling in the natural kingdom. Human beings are a bad example. We rarely spend our entire life with the same partner. That is true monogamy. We are hopeless at it. Some make a stirling effort I guess. I just feel that I can spend the rest of my life in love with my primary partner AND enjoy the other delights that cross my path.
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RHP User
12 years ago
I agree with Philosopher.............I think a lot of people believe that monogamy is about having one husband or wife.........or life partner...............and, I believe, in relation to love, that is true. However, I would say very few people 'make love'with casual partners...............as there is no emotional connection. They simply, have sex............. In that sense, they are still in a monogamous relationship because they only love each other. Next time someone on here is caught with their pants down by an unsuspecting partner..............try spinning that line to them. Once you regain consciousness from his/her knockout blow, I'd like to know how well accepted it was. :) But it is what I believe.............and, of course, it is better if both partners in the monogamous relationship are totally open and honest with each other. I have met a few people who are in ópen relationships'.................they just haven't told their other half.
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