M35
My Story
April 07 2015
Comments
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RHP User
10 years ago
Just be happy and live your life the way you want to.Love is hard to find,it's like digging for gold..sex on the other hand is not.Hugs xxFreya
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Lovinit28andKC72
10 years ago
Thank you for sharing part of your story..... Life is about doing what makes you happy..... Good luck....💋
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RHP User
10 years ago
A rarity My questions to you though is what do you now seek and hope for ? And do you think your being realistic in pursuing this ?
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RHP User
10 years ago
And welcome! You may not find acceptance from everyone here ... Non monogamy can be a little like pregnancy - every man and his dog offers advice and expert opinions but don't necessarily understand what they are opining about. Smile, filter the bullshit and take on board the well-meaning good bits. In saying that, many here do understand your lifestyle choice and I think it's fantastic that you've chosen to share it with us! Flirty x
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RHP User
10 years ago
It sounds like you both are very open, honest and have a lot of love and respect for one another, that is the basis for a solid relationship and you are blessed for having that and I wish you luck. You will need to also talk about how open to the outside world your poly relationship will be and consider the consequences of that (if you haven't already) It isn't always easy coming out as living an alternate lifestyle and there are many that will not understand it, but don't let that stop you, you don't need to conform to someone elses beliefs if your own are right for you, but you will need to decide how to handle any repercussions.
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AnnieWhichway
10 years ago
for sharing. It will give others some courage and inspiration to tackle their own paths and destinations. Never an easy journey no matter what relationship type they are in, wether its a vanilla or alternative. Challenges abound in them all.
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redhot69chick
10 years ago
You are very brave to share your story so thanks for doing so. You may well be judged by some but then they are not worth wasting your time over, I should just ignore them if I were you. I wish you luck and hope you find what you are looking for, but ultimately make sure you have plenty of fun on your journey. Hugs Red xx 😀😀
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RHP User
10 years ago
I have been down the road you are on right now so shoot me a message some time and I'll give you some advice.
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RHP User
10 years ago
To you both for being in touch with your feelings and loving each other enough to communicate them effectively, it's a brave road you travel down but one filled with excitement, as newcomers ourselves, we too find all aspects interesting and take a little something from each meet, positives and negatives all have something to offer :)) good luck to you both wherever it may lead you.... Sounds like you have the trust and happiness part stitched up, get onto the fun!!
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RHP User
10 years ago
Err. Everyone is talking about challenges and congratulating the OP for exploring polyamory relationships. But PolySydney, you have stated your wife now considers herself to be gay and that she is not attracted to you as a man. I don't want to sound harsh but I not sure what future poly relationships you are going to explore when you really should be sorting out your primary relationship. Don't you feel you deserve more? You both do.
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inspirit
10 years ago
Life is a journey and yours is being well traveled. I take my hat off, to you both.
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inspirit
10 years ago
Quoting 'Meeka100' Err. Everyone is talking about challenges and congratulating the OP for exploring polyamory relationships. But PolySydney, you have stated your wife now considers herself to be gay and that she is not attracted to you as a man. I don't want to sound harsh but I not sure what future poly relationships you are going to explore when you really should be sorting out your primary relationship. Don't you feel you deserve more? You both do. They have sorted out their personal relationship and want to explore poly for reasons which have nothing to do with us. Empathy is a great thing.
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RHP User
10 years ago
That is what you saw? That they have worked out there relationship? I see the exact opposite to be honest. Why should I be showing empathy, huh? For what reason?
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RHP User
10 years ago
Deciding you want a poly relationship because your primary relationship is not a sexual one is not really the right reason to do this. Is it? Being in poly relationships is hard work and I just feel that some people think it's all easy and just lovely way to have an alternative lifestyle. Freya... Disappointed in your comment.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Why is that?..there are many different permutations of relationships...you of all people should understand that...lf two people love and support each other why does that have to require them having sex with each other..they are young,they both might eventually move on ..who knows but for now they are together xxFreya
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RHP User
10 years ago
For now yes. I am just a little disappointed to see you say getting sex is easy. Not always so easy for a married man and certainly will get harder the older he gets. Yes, there are certainly different ways to have a relationship. My relationship with my best friends have been going for 30+ years.
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inspirit
10 years ago
Quoting 'Meeka100' That is what you saw? That they have worked out there relationship? I see the exact opposite to be honest. Why should I be showing empathy, huh? For what reason? Is to show you have compassion also. Can you not place yourself in their shoes. The love of your life to date is with you. For that moment in time, however long it lasts it what matters to them. We don't have to agree though, we do not have to judge either. Why do you see the exact opposite - some people DO actually love each other UNCONDITIONALLY. Why do you feel/think they are doomed?
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RHP User
10 years ago
I feel their relationship is doomed to change into another form. You can be best friends and love each other unconditionally... You don't have to be married to each other to have such a relationship. I am putting myself in the position and what a young person might want for their future. Love, passion and a family. To have someone who wants you. sorry Polys this probably won't be easy to read particularly when other people respond but I trust you were prepared for this. Nothing personal. I wish all the best for you and your wife.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Is easy,compared to finding someone who you love and who loves you...I have never found that xxFreya
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inspirit
10 years ago
Perhaps it is and perhaps it isn't though I do know being negative is by no means any help. Yes, they are young and perhaps do not have the foresight we may have BUT we have both been known to be wrong. I find younger generations, so much more in touch with what they really want than my generations and it is very refreshing. You are putting yourslelf in there position by what you think they may want from your perspective - that is not empathy. Emapthy is in a nut shell - acceptance.
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RHP User
10 years ago
What can I say. I am a realist.
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inspirit
10 years ago
You are judging them and that is ok too - it is just a debate.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I get what Meeka is saying, the majority of the world is still skewed towards traditional relationships. There is a bit more acceptance of the 'open' relationship in the mainstream - mainly because it still has some recognisable traits of monogamy, ie a primary partner, but with other partners. So opting for the path of polyamory isn't exactly the easiest. Polyamory is also one of those shit terms that has no real single definition. If someone comes up to you and says "I'm in a polyamorous relationship" you don't go "Oh yep, I understand". The type of p.a. relationship they are in needs to be explained, because there are so many variants. Polyamory is really just a fancy way of saying "It's complicated, real fucking complicated, let me explain, or better still draw a picture......." Plenty of great relationships end because it is an assumption that for a relationship to be great, it needs to have sex included. This is how a whole industry of people 'fixing' sex must have come about. Maybe we need to be open to the fact that you can have an amazing relationship with someone and not have sex with them, like the OP proposes in this case, without Stompy smashing all the expensive China in the shop. And maybe, he'll find someone to add to the amazing relationship who he can love AND have sex with AND who accepts that there is already a non-sexual lover. Is that much different to a single parent starting a new relationship with a lover? Granted it's not the same, but elements are. PolySydney is proposing to carry more than cabin-size baggage, but if the current relationship is worth it, maybe he needs to make use of Stompy as a pack elephant and just give it a shot.
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RHP User
10 years ago
You sound more and more like another person I know and as for your scenario, I am sure it would be easier to ask for the moon. What I am saying as well is why persist in the "traditional" relationship, whether it is vanilla or poly? You are still being hindered by the thinking that to have a fabulous living relationship you need to be a couple. Do you?
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RHP User
10 years ago
Sorry. Typo. That should read "to have a loving relationship"
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RHP User
10 years ago
The OP has told his story. There is not a single question mark, no hand-wringing, no woe is me, nothing. His profile also states the following: "We are still very much in love and will continue to be, nothing will come between that, but we are both open to expanding our horizons. It isn't the most conventional lifestyle, but we are both happy." Empathy is the capacity to understand what another person is experiencing from within the other person's frame of reference. That is unlikely while statements like "You deserve more. You both do" are being flung about. Deserve more than what exactly? More than a love spanning 8 years? Seriously? That is something pretty special, irrespective of the shape their relationship takes moving forward and whether or not that fits in with YOUR reality. It's not a very big leap to assume therefore, that anyone in an open relationship of any kind must also deserve better. Happily married people who don't have a sexual relationship with their spouse or, God forbid, get their specific sexual or kink-related needs met by someone other than their spouse are not being realistic? Lastly, this urge we all often have to shit all over people younger than ourselves for not knowing better? 8 years is a LIFETIME of relationship experience and emotional maturity that only those who have been in a relationship for that long can appreciate. Oh look! We're back to the original point I made this morning. Flirty x
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RHP User
10 years ago
Or maybe I don't understand Gen Y people. I didn't consider marriage as an option at such a young age. In fact I have never been married. Interestingly I was having this discussion with my GP who has dealt with thousands of patients in her career. Her daughter, at 23, just got engaged. I expressed surprise and she said that my generation, Gen X, were all about betting a life and exploring first - it was all about us as individuals. However her impression of Gen Y is that they think differently in it's all about "us", meeting someone an building a life and adventure together. I thought it was an interesting observation. Not sure is it's true on a general level?
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RHP User
10 years ago
and.. as some of you have already decided I am a prick.. it doesn't really matter.I have been around.. spent a lot of time in other peoples loungerooms and bedrooms, one way or the other.. and...I have seen a lot of times where ONE of the couple decides to leave.. for whatever reason.. The don't really know HOW, so they "Encourage" the other half to "Explore" initially together.. then alone.. and that marks the end of the relationship..Call me a cynic if you wish.. or other shit.. but.."Fck.. I have done this myself!!"AND had it done to me .It all eventually comes out in the wash.. "That the two had grown apart"or that they WANTED to separate..I am pretty much into Meeks on this topic...*shrugs*
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RHP User
10 years ago
Thank you everyone for the encouragement, advice and doubts. It was a relief to tell someone, as it isn't something I can bring up to the vanilla world. For the "negative" commenters, I really do appreciate your thoughts, all advice is useful and everything you have said is thoughts we have had ourselves and discussed. We aren't wandering into this blindly, we have talked openly about all the different options and done our research. We have read articles, blogs, books (including The Ethical Slut - half way through it) and listened to a whole lot of podcasts (though most of them become rather repetitive). Totally understand it will not be easy for either of us, but we are trying. We have discussed ending our marriage and becoming friends, but that is the very last thing either of us want. Life is about happiness, and I cannot comprehend being happy without her. She is the one I tell my day about, the person I fall asleep holding every night and the one I kiss goodbye every morning. She already is my best friend, and is also my wife. If it came down to it, if I had to choose between her and sex she would win every single time. Our primary relationship is built on a rock, and we are too open to let anything get in the way of that. It is entirely the reason we choose to chase this choice. Love, passion and family is something that doesn't just have to be between the two of us, but she is always my home. We have built this life together, and just want to make it perfect. I get so much from my wife, and don't see why we both can't find something extra that the other can't give them. I know I was very vague about what exactly it is I am looking for, and honestly it is because I'm not sure yet. We have discussed a wide variety of options, but I don't really want to bluntly say "i want this and this alone", because that may be closing the door on another opportunity. I am fairly open, willing to hear out any suggestions or offers. I am happy to chat with anyone who would like to talk, and any advice is always welcome. Thanks again guys
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RHP User
10 years ago
Naturally I wish Polys and his wife well. But as I stated in my original post, where to from here ? Perhaps OP can come back with more of his thoughts ?
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inspirit
10 years ago
I also understand where you are comming from. However it can work and does for what ever time that might be. This couple clearly love each other and it is their journey. Maybe if society wasn't so hung up on the negative aspects of a poly, more relationships of this kind may just work. Each and every relationship is different and deserves its own merrits... - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
Its great of you to share your story and wish you all the best. I totally get where Meeka is coming from and don't see any lack of empathy from her. You are in a situation not entirely of your choosing and are understandable making the best of it. One of my good friends with 3 kids found himself in a similar situation. Over time things changed but him and his ex wife retained the love, respect and joint care of the kids. Her new female partner was welcomed and the kids grew up in 2 happy households. At 24 I believe things will adapt in your life but if you can always retain that love and respect for each other then that can only be a positive thing. Good luck to both of you. - Posted from rhpmobile
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madotara69
10 years ago
These two have been best mates, still are by the looks of it. Don't underestimate friendship in a relationship, thev'e been out swinging, no drama's, they talk to each other, they are sticking by each other and having a go. Married for a year and a half and have Mothers. And if you don't hate each others guts and blow the dow in divorce courts, probably get the divorce papers in the letter box for $39.99 Express post any time, maybe Dunno The Traditional Marriage Fckn Elvis 'll marry you for whatever in Vegas And I see dead people. Pretty respectable way of reasoning to his ladies sexuality. They could still be sticking by each other in 30 years, for never finding anyone who stuck around when it counted Mado Mado Tara xx
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RHP User
10 years ago
You are all have rose coloured glasses on. Everyone seems to think I am not advocating the poly lifestyle and that this is my concern. Totally untrue! I feel like I am speaking another language to all of you. Who cares who they decide to see and fall in love with, and what has that got to do with, what in my mind is the main issue? How can you have a happy fulfilling long term relationship with someone who is gay? What would you all advise your kids if they came to you with this same issue at 24? Stay together? If you do well, I 100% disagree. It is easy to cling to the familiar and it gives you comfort but that is no reason to continue with something though. Flirty, if your partner came to you and said they realised they were gay and no longer find you attractive as a woman and that sex was no really going to be an option going forward - what would you do? OP you know what. Having a partner who doesn't who want you in a sexual way is not easy and it may eat away at your happiness and confidence. I couldn't care less who else you are seeing I am concerned about your well being in this relationship going forward. Come back and tell me how you feel after you cry yourself to sleep because you are not not more important to your partner. Come back to me and tell me how it easy it is to see them blissfully happy with someone else and know that they can give your wife something you can't. I am not convinced that any of the people who have commented on this thread really have the experience of poly relationships. Deciding to have intimate loving relationships with people outside your marriage is not easy. Deciding to become POLY should not be some quick fix to your primary relationship. I have long been an advocate of alternative lifestyles it is true but I feel you need to have that commitment and love and sexual love and intimacy together first for this to work. Get the rose coloured glasses off people.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'inspirit' Maybe if society wasn't so hung up on the negative aspects of a poly, more relationships of this kind may just work. Again, I don't understand why you have even made this point. To me this it totally irrelevant.
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RHP User
10 years ago
... But..... Since when does a relationship/marriage have to be based on a sexual connection, I'm sure there are plenty of people/couples out there that this situation works for, perhaps the medicated where their sex drive is no longer existent, people that no longer desire a physical connection.. couples connected through their children....( as stated) I know a number of couples that have deeper and mutual connections, not only physical or sexual, granted they are more mature in age and have experienced a little more, but who are we to even try fathom what others have lived through or experienced together? .... Sharing life experiences forms connections on their own, mutual jokes, moments, memories, struggles, good times,... All of these contribute to how a couple relates... Regardless of their age or sexual preferences....
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madotara69
10 years ago
Beauty Meeka, nice post. I'd probably have to fork out the savings and go for the check up, put in the application to become a lesbian me self His wife has said she is "for now" considers she is Gay. She might not find herself a lesbian, sounds like she is having a go at it I'd drink me sorrows to that for Tara, I'd be too miserable to go and hang around with Cap'n No Beard though. It does look like the young feller is pining and in a trusted place with his wife, It looks like the friendships very strong now and if the girls fell, then I'd imagine it would be time to move on, seen through the transition and no turning back, friends always for it. Cash in the Married ticket, when it was over
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RHP User
10 years ago
First off, thank you for sharing. It takes a whole lot of courage to talk so openly and honestly about the intimate details of your life and love in a public forum and I found the tone of your post to be so warm and heartfelt. It's obvious that you and your wife love each other and share a unique bond regardless of her changing sexual orientation. How lucky you are to have both found that in each other, something so wonderful - a partnership that transcends the sexual realm. You speak briefly of your observation that others will not percieve your love to be 'normal' and I think I'm kind of qualified to speak on that subject. As a trans person there are many, many people that don't see me or my gender identity as normal. I engage only in open, non monogamous relationships sometimes with multiple people at a time another facet of my identity that rebukes the accepted standard. I share in sexual relationships with self-identifying heterosexual men (and sometimes women) which can boggle the mind and sensibilities of certain naysayers who feel threatened by any scenario which challenges their perception of gender and sexuality. The reason I'm sharing these seemingly irrelevant points is that I may not be 'normal' but I certainly am beautiful. If I was to concern myself with the opinions and judgements of the world and how people percieve me and my relationships I would allow others the power to define who I am and what I should do. From everything you have written it seems you know what you want and how you feel (at least at this stage in your young life) and they are the two most important factors in your relationship. You very well end up leading a very non-traditional life with your love, where you seek sexual gratification and intimate connections with other people. You might just find that this non-traditional life is everything you ever dared to wish for. With love, ~KK x
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RHP User
10 years ago
I was twenty- four I had already been married for six years..it was already over and soon I was bolting to the next man...I could never have predicted at twenty-four what my life's journey has been...But I have lived my life the way I have wanted to..decidedly single..None of us know at twenty-four what our lives will look like in our forties,fifties or now in my case,sixties ..life has a way of surprising us sometimes and we just need to pay attention and follow our hearts xxFreya
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abcplus1
10 years ago
We married young, been together for a total of 28 years. Very vanilla for the first 13 of them, but discussed threesomes many times before taking the plunge into involving someone else in our sexual life. Both our gen X kids want marriage and family sooner rather than later. That is our version of normal.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I think you are on a great pathway of self discovery, and ultimately you will figure out a way to make it work. Your wife clearly has feelings for women, but she may decide she just wants a sexual relationship not an intimate one (coz lets face it, women are hard to live with!) And same for you, a sexual relationship outside your marriage while keeping your family together. Mabey you will find a lady you's can share!Thanks for sharing, and good luck!
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'Freya79' Is easy,compared to finding someone who you love and who loves you...I have never found that xxFreya I wholeheartedly and totally agree with you on this one. Finding someone that you truly connect with and who will love you unconditionally, and accept you just as you are, is an almost impossible task. In fact, I'd go so far as to say, that with a decent metal detector, you probably have more chance of striking gold! Or perhaps winning lotto! Dedicate yourself long and hard enough to the task and sex is easy to come by! The OP and his wife, clearly have a strong connection, and he the wisdom to accept her for who she is, and she the trust to be able to tell him absolutely anything, that indeed, is a rare find in the 21st Century, or any for that matter. Some things aren't necessarily meant to last a life time. You change like the wind from your 20s to 30s and 40s. I can almost categorically say that I'm nothing like I was in my 20s. Perhaps the best philosophy is to just enjoy the moment. Be in the present, and not think of the future or to be constantly stuck in the past, wallowing in regret, with a list of what ifs!
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N4November
10 years ago
You must be mourning the loss of your sexual relationship with your wife with the realisation that her orientation is lesbian. From your post what comes through is your love for her even though this journey hasn't gone exactly as intended. But the purest form of love is openess and honesty. I think most of us would prefer to end our marriages this way than as a result of deception or the other checking out. I only see hope for your future. As a young man, you come across as authentic, honest and who has integrity. I wish you and your wife all the best in the future! Xx - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
Has anyone here had any experience with a polyamory lifestyle? I could really use someone to talk with. Or does anyone know of any groups or professionals we could speak with?
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RHP User
10 years ago
What questions or concerns do you have? Polyamory relationships basically means you are in love and committed to more than one person. Is this what you are both seeking? Or are you just talking about having an open relationship where you seek only sexual relationships outside your marriage? I would think you would have an open marriage and when one of you falls in love with someone else... Well then will have a poly relationship. There is no hard and fast rules here. You two have to experiment and with open communication find out what will work for you. Unfortunately it's a bit of a trial and error thing. There is no magic bulletnor forumla to this.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I've thought about this, and am starting to lean towards Meekas pessimistic "doomed relationship " point of view. If you were 34, I'd say maybe it's worth the baggage, but at 24, finding likeminded partners will be more of a challenge. Therefore I would propose a solution. Me. Look if anyone can turn your lovely partner back from lesbianism its me. It might take a few nights, but I'm prepared to give it a crack. For the greater good. - Posted from rhpmobile
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madotara69
10 years ago
What you're doing with this thread and asking about it, most importantly is in the way you are doing it, this sort of advice is asked often by people who, don't seem to have a grasp for where all the things can go wrong with it, being people themselves and others in the lifestyle that are entrusted with the friends and such. So as you can see, some of the difficult questions along with your approach and thoughtful Original Post, OP!! (Original post) is bringing out the true colours, especially where rather lashing out upon discovering the failures for understanding or bewares. You seem to have a good approach for things and obviously you have shared you love your wife and for her more than any specifics to your intentions, so we find you don't need to prove it, or you would have been by now surely. I have been best friends with Tara all our twenty something years, honestly it's the friendship in relations, not all are of love, as a matter upon a thought, .. Never seen the same relationship twice even for thrice to say "This is what it is and you have to do that to be the same as all of us. It's inyour nature if you will find your answers and if you nature is of your best interests, someone's ears are bound to pick up on it, as you go through the introductions. I'd suggest you get involved with some other discussions in the forums, better for all manners of meanings than sitting for only one type of thing, because ultimately you are asking of a social type of the lifestyle "doing it". in it's simplest yet most favoured by any type of technique You won't get the magic number from just this topic OP, you have made your intentions pretty well, by getting involved. It's all just people with all sorts of interests and many!!! all for love lust and desire to have a good fuck given half the chances, worth pondering on as well. Feel a bit more normal, you are doing alright. You know there is a good thing comes with Meeka for being that fired up nature in her blood, the deep dark sense of of houmour and iterests alike for getting a bang out of life. ! !. She sticks to where her meanings are meant, Untill she feels they are perfectly understood. It's normal though, whether or not of clear interventions, we shall find out soon enough to be completely understood, is it appears Meeka likes to be involved in any and every sexual event. All for the betterment of wisdom in search for true love, no one has convinced her of it by telling it perfectly understood. Speak words of love any opportunity too, as mushy and lovey dovey little things, you only need imagine Meeka reads d is taken back and fully weeps of the joy for you as she heads of into anther thread of turmoil. Ok so most of it is true of her own designs, but have some fun with people too.
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RHP User
10 years ago
The fall out.....its all good until one finds something better. I'm not really trying to be cynical BUT....I think you will hurt your friendship...Meekas on the ball...............Hey I love you like a Friend........heard that one boys ...now wheres this going? Exhibit A I dont know the in and outs as it wasn't my concern but it was an extended family member. They were childhood sweethearts from 12/13 probably because they spent a lot of time together...I think there were always niggling doubts about her! and he was just a young boy and she would have been his first.So at some stage she plays with her girlfriend who has a boyfriend (and are the couples friends) over many years this relationship has so many ups and downs and the other couple too ........children, on again off again, marriage....until she chose women...........they hate each other now...she calls him the sperm donor and he is the nicest guy, Im sure he's flawed too. Exhibit B I knew him from about 8 I always thought he was gay and he surprised me by being the first of the kids to get his girl pregnant, well he blamed her for being a bully and left after three kids and then came out..............and then so did she!!!!!!!!!!! In this situation they were both fooling themselves but its the kids that got caught up in the shit. Hes happy now and that is so great. .................................................................................................................................... What I see here with you is a connection, you are very young and when you met also young...formed a bond and rely on each other. Your relationship now is founded on a co-existence, you need each other, it looks like you might both be afraid of change. Make sure you stop and assess this relationship often as no one knows what will start to happen once different people and Personalities come into your lives. I think that is the big thing if one falls in love with someone who has a different perspective/personality who will they choose?? I stayed with someone I didn't love for a very long time, long lonely time.
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gazpacho
10 years ago
I'm confused. Polyamory is where the individuals in a relationship play up with knowledge and consent. In essence, we are talking about an intimate sexual relationship the partner/s to which have friends with benefits. What you're describing, however, is a sexless marriage in which the partners get their jollies elsewhere. That's a whole different kind of relationship more resembling the "just friends" style.. More like a flat mate arrNgement than an intimate marriage. I'm concerned for you, bro. I think intervention is a good idea. See a phsychologist for couples counselling so that you know what you really want. Best wishes & hugs Gaz
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RHP User
10 years ago
mate you only live once, I say as long as you have safe fun, then go nuts :)society has evolved so do as you like, things happen, and thank god that you got to experience something special :)work, play and keep healthy, then do what you like and be proud you've gain more experience (isn't that really why we exist, to experience everything that life throws at us)If you need to chat, feel free to msg as I'm for poly and unusual fun stuffs lol :)
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RHP User
10 years ago
Just because there isn't sex between my wife and me doesn't dilute our love at all. There is a massive difference between her and a roommate. The security and sad warmth I feel from her is as strong as ever. not just looking for sex as well, if I find the right person then I would be ready to date - Posted from rhpmobile
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