F50
Narcissistic males!! sorry guys
June 22 2014
Comments
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Missb4u
10 years ago
Until she sees it for herself all you can do is be there when she needs you. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
Correct ! Miss Sassy thats why she needs a bestie like you to be there . - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
Firstly OP, you are a good friend to drop everything for your bestie, although I feel sorry for your poor fwb left sitting by the fire. I completely understand the problem (not the "all men are bastards" problem because we aren't) when our friends make poor life choices because love makes them do the whacky. As Missb72 says you can't really change things until your friend realises it for herself. I have a female friend whose hand I have held through a number of boyfriend break ups although the current dickhead takes the cake. In the past she has appreciated my advice because we know how each other think. But she is now desperate to marry before she turns 40 in 2 years' time and sees the dickhead as her last chance. I have expressed my honest opinion that discussing marriage after 2 months of dating is premature, and the more I know the guy the less I like. This has not gone down well and I am on the outer now because he gets upset if she catches up with me. I have reached the reluctant conclusion that there is nothing I can do but be there when the shit hits the fan, which may be in 6 months or may be in 5 years. And hope it doesn't screw up her life too much.
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MsSuperFoxy
10 years ago
You have to let her make choices for her self and learn from these experiences. I've been in the same situation, there is nothing you can do. If he makes your friend feel this way (hurt and sad), then he's not for her. :( God bless your FWB most guys/men I would say would go "Fuck this crap" (nill understanding/empathy) and dissappear, so it sounds like you have a good man there, OP. :) Why does a man who claims he loves you can hurt you in the worst possible way? I would say women do this to men too. HAHA this is why I very rarely meet people - I'm not putting myself through anymore hurt/pain or any kind of situations where I am hurting. To me... "love" is showing kindness, empathy and understanding (caring) not hurt. I hope your friend is OK?? Foxy xxx
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MsSuperFoxy
10 years ago
Why have you called this Forum "Narcissistic Males" for? Are you upset because you feel and empathize with your friends pain, and that the man has upset your friend? Would it be fair to say, because this man and your friend are having issues that this man may not be a narcissists? This man maybe doing what is right for him. I don't know the situation or what is happening... However we can't run down the man in this situation, because there is issues/problem with your friend... That's not right I think or the right thing to do. Foxy
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RHP User
10 years ago
Google ' unavailable men ' - this maybe what she is dealing with. No we don't know what the scenario is but if this lady's friend is the upset hurt one you can pretty well bet she's not the one behaving badly.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Be there for her listen, let her talk it through, paraphrase her words, don't bag him, point out his bad points etc, it may bite you on the arse. Point out her qualities and rebuild her self worth by showing how much you value her. I hope it gets better for her and hugs for you too, it really does hurt to see those we love make bad choices and suffer for it, she's lucky to have a Bestie like you.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Why does a man who claims he loves you can hurt you in the worst possible way? A) He's an arse... yep there are quite a few of us out there. (He does it on purpose)B) There is a large difference of opinion of what "Love" is between the man and woman involved. (He's ignorant to the fact what he is doing is hurtful) Without knowing the situation and people involved there no way to say if it is A or B or a little of both. As for what you can do? There is nothing you can DO without putting yourself in the line of fire (i.e. catching some blame for something you did)... the heart wants what it wants and will starve the brain of blood to get it. People will ignore the negatives to have what they want, things they don't like and things that are actually harmful to them. This is OK as long as they don't put themselves in danger... at which time you do need to interject. Harsh as it sounds the best thing you could probably do is just continue to be a friend, listen and sympathise and if/when she falls catch her to soften the blow. Otherwise, as Foxy and MissB say, there is not much you can do. SG
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MsJonesy
10 years ago
But.... My personal belief is that a bestie doesn't need to sugar coat things and shouldn't be afraid to express their opinion. For instance if she said something like 'do you like him'...answer truthfully and explain your answer....eg. you like him but hate the way he treats her sometimes...and pinpoint the exact behaviour you don't like. It may be that you need to have a second conversation after the initial emotions have settled. We aren't helping our friends if we hide our personal opinion or fail to help them understand how destructive a relationship has become. It doesn't have to mean you aren't still their friend, it just means you are showing your concern. Telling her to leave him is never going to work; but by ensuring she has differing POV means she can make an informed decision when she is ready to.
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MsSuperFoxy
10 years ago
People don't deliberately go out of there way to hurt people, its more the situation and how ones listens or not and how one reacts. I think sometimes we just don't listen to what the other person is really saying and not see see it as rejection or hurt. As bad as it seems...good always comes from it. I know as it has happened to me before, where I just didn't listen to what the other person was saying and saw it as rejection when it was not and I felt hurt and ran the other down because it was not what "I" wanted. However what they were saying was for them - as selfish as it seems, it's true. I've learnt the hard way. Sometimes we gotta listen to others and what they are saying and deal with the uncomfortable situation/conversations and soothe our our hearts with out relying on anyone to do that for us - to me it's the only way sometimes. OH boy I dislike those uncomfortable talks/situations. Foxy
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RHP User
10 years ago
You didn't say what this man did to your friend. Cheat on her? Bash her? Break up with her? Reject her?
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MsSuperFoxy
10 years ago
Quoting 'Meander' You didn't say what this man did to your friend. Cheat on her? Bash her? Break up with her? Reject her? Was thinking that tool. Foxy
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RHP User
10 years ago
It can be a no win situation. I have said nothing in the past and watched the train wreck unfolded. Most recently, everyone else has smiled through gritted teeth but I decided to speak up to avoid another disaster but got slapped down. I agree with Kissk, to have an honest but constructive conversation, and hopefully be more diplomatic than I was. And also agree you need to focus on what the particular problem is rather than just attack the guy generally because he will have good and bad points so a wholesale denunciation will lose credibility.
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RHP User
10 years ago
good and bad and we all have free will And the thing is they are our choices and we have to make them for us, not others I'd do anything for my bestie as well, including letting her make her own mistakes I may not agree with her choices in any decisions that she makes. I do not offer my opinion unless she asks and even then any advice, opinion etc can be ignored, and often is on the subject of men but that's ok because I wouldn't let that get in the way of our friendship, so I just let certain issues slide unless it is endangering her Our heart loves who it loves and nothing will change that. Your friend has got to come to the conclusion herself, of whether this man is worth her while, and sadly through probably more horrible experiences, and not by you saying to her the guy is a dick etc. Means nothing. If she loves him then that's it. Only she can realize what is good for her and take action And as much as you love your bestie and I'm sure you do, sometimes you have to step back and tough love it out. Sure be there when she REALLY needs you and I mean really needs you in a say a life /death situation to hold hand and dish out tissues out , but going by your post this is not the first time, that she's called for your help for both of you to rehash over a familiar and ongoing scenario You also have to ask yourself did you really do the right thing by your FWB ? Would you have appreciated if he had done the same thing to you last night ? And by dumping him for the evening and spending it with her, did anything of the situation change ? Status Quo ? And as I step off my soap box I will say that the labeling of your forum "Narcissistic guys" IMHO I personally find offensive, even if followed by a apology It is not gender specific and is a often misused term but I will put it down to the posting "while a little drunk" situ
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MsSuperFoxy
10 years ago
a break up of some sort and the woman (upset) needed her bestie (Ms.sassy) to be there with her to feel safe... that's how I read it. Maybe I'm wrong?? Foxy
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Twisted_Mister
10 years ago
Is not solely the domain of blokes - by a long shot. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
I have a girlfriend whose man did the same, drugs, physically and emotionally hurt her, cheated many times but would constantly put blame on her. Nothing we could say would stop her. She disappeared and we all just found she went back to him and chose to stay away from her friends because they spoke against him U can give all the advise u want but she has to come to the conclusion herself. My friend finally has realised and told us. At that point her true Friends hav stuck by her regardless as she grieves and possibly goes thru an abortion because he doesnt want the baby and she cant afford to hav it on her own. Thats all u can do..let her go through her journey and support her best u can when she needs - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'Sukki' You also have to ask yourself did you really do the right thing by your FWB ? Would you have appreciated if he had done the same thing to you last night ? And by dumping him for the evening and spending it with her, did anything of the situation change ? Status Quo ? I understand you want to help her, but unless it really is an emergency then dropping everything in your own life every time she has a problem isn't going to help either of you. As many others have said, you can't make her do anything, you can give her advice but she will have to realise the issue with him (whatever that is) on her own. Part of being an adult is learning through our mistakes.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Without knowing the details it's pretty hard to offer anything concrete, but in broad strokes I'd say it's one of these two things: 1. He deceived her in some way (cheated, lied or physically mistreated her), in which case he's a prick and you can justifiably lay the blame on him, or 2. He broke up with her, in which case he's doing what he needs to do, even if it's painful for her. Relationships and feelings are complex to the point that we often don't entirely know for ourselves absolutely how we feel. Love can be genuine even when there are feelings that something's not quite right, or not fully there. And the need to break up with someone is usually tinged with reservations and, after the event, some degree of regret. If this is the case it's wrong to demonise anyone. Although for the party left stranded it can be worth venting feelings of anger, ultimately he or she has to take responsibility for their own situation, assess where things went wrong, and even examine for themselves if there's something they're attracted to that is possibly wrong for them.
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RHP User
10 years ago
How can someone hurt the person they love??? That's easy.....because they can. But.... The question should be.... How can a person be HURT by these people??? Once again pretty simple.... They are more invested into the other person than they are in themselves. How do you help??? You can only lead a horse to water..... You can't make it drink.. Or it'll drown. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
I don't know your Bestie but from experience, some relationships are considered normal with all that drama and mind-battles going on like Blitzkreig in the background. Without the trauma it could become stagnant and lose cohesion..Perhaps some circular logic could lighten your concerns? "They will do what they do...till they don't".T.E.
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Mr_MrsAraps
10 years ago
Quoting 'Luckdragon23'I understand you want to help her, but unless it really is an emergency then dropping everything in your own life every time she has a problem isn't going to help either of you. As many others have said, you can't make her do anything, you can give her advice but she will have to realise the issue with him (whatever that is) on her own. Part of being an adult is learning through our mistakes. And agree with you there LD as yes you can be a great friend and be there for them and point it out them but ..... if they cant see what they are doing (keeping on going back to an unhealthy relationship) and the drama becomes a regular occurrence and you are dropping everything all the time then that is not helping yourself or the fiend either as it becomes an emotional crutch and stops them from seeing the true situation for themselves.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'Rick_Blaine' Without knowing the details it's pretty hard to offer anything concrete, but in broad strokes I'd say it's one of these two things: 1. He deceived her in some way (cheated, lied or physically mistreated her), in which case he's a prick and you can justifiably lay the blame on him, or 2. He broke up with her, in which case he's doing what he needs to do, even if it's painful for her. Exactly.
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RHP User
10 years ago
he is breathing. true story!
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RHP User
10 years ago
What the details are that surround the hurt.... Acknowledgement that he/she has acted in an inappropriate way toward her in her mind suggests that she needs to make a decision.... Accept it and enable the twit. Not accept it and cut the twit from their life. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
Thank you so much, im overwhelmed with the responses and you have all given me some great advice Firstly please let me apologise to anyone who was offended by the title of my post, especially you beautiful males out there, I know not ALL men are like that just ALL men in my life atm (apart from regular fwb), I was very intoxicated and I was very upset to see my friend in the state she was as I too have been in her position :( My fwb is a great guy and knows my friend too and the situation so he had no hesitation to tell me to go and be there for her, he is awesome like that, the sweetest guy ive met, pity im not ready for a relationship yet but maybe one day. Anyway back to the original post, my friends partner is dealing with a personal tradegy in his life yes and I feel for him and we were all there for him, at the start he was a great guy and she was the happiest I had seen her, they have been together for 2 years but that the last 6 months, although he was always a big drinker, he has been over endulging, mainly on a friday night and has started to mentally and emotionally abuse my friend, she has recorded some of the abuse and it is getting worse and worse. There has been no violence...yet... but he is now starting to raise his volce at her children also :( He is unpredictable, the smallest thing sets him off and im afraid if she doesnt leave soon he could get physical. She is no longer happy, we have a group of 5 close friends, a bit like sex in the city girls (but country lol), we do anything for each other, are always there for each other, we have all spoken to her and she has agreed she needs to leave, that this is no longer a good situation for her, but the problem is the next day he gets in her ear, and she's all good again....till next friday night. As friends we only sugar coat things for each other if its absolutely necessary otherwise we all speak our minds to each other, I have held back because of the delicate situation. But when I went to the house she had locks on her childrens door and I questioned her about it and she said it was just for their safety I could no longer hold off.....i lost it and she lost it and we cried, we drank wine, we cried, we laughed, we solved all lifes problems. I nearly got her to come home with me but she decided to stay :( I guess its just frustrating to watch and upsetting at the same time to know this happened to me, but for me I stayed well after it turned to violence, it took every piece of strength for me to leave, at my lowest point in my life I found the strength and I often wonder why it took me that long, why didnt I have the strength before that, if anyone should be able to help her shouldnt it be me if ive been there done that???? but i feel so fkn helpess and I feel like im reliving my worst nightmare. Im stronger than I have been EVER, and I will not let this man destroy my friends soul like my ex husband destroyed mine!!! For a while there I didnt like any males but I gave myself some times, joined a few sites like this one and I have met some great men on rhp and other sites and have had some wonderful experiences, rhp has helped me conquer a few fantasies and I have gained so much confidence in myself and in the fact that not all males are like the ones in my past, and for that ill always be eternally greatful.........ohh and then sex.........wow wow wow.........im just bummed i missed out on all this for the past 16 years LOL
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madotara69
10 years ago
Quoting 'Melbourne_Babe' he is breathing. true story! That just shows you posses the intellectual capacity of a toasted muffin. Mado Mado Tara xx
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RHP User
10 years ago
You don't needs brains to fuck ;) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
Narcissism isn't depression - Posted from rhpmobile
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Lovinit28andKC72
10 years ago
Firstly I'd like to say, I don't usually copy and paste information on threads, I like to talk from my personal experience and this is indeed coming from personal experience. Below is the information I sent my ex husband not 2 weeks ago. The only person that can help your friend, is your friend herself. Until then, the only thing you can do for her is be there for her and give her as much information and support as you can. Because she will have to get to a point before she makes the decision to walk away.....and I don't know if this is what's happening in this relationship, the only people that know that are the pair in it..... Extract of what I sent my ex, minus all the personal stuff about our relationship over a course of the 23 years..... Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder in which a person is excessively preoccupied with personal adequacy, power, prestige and vanity, mentally unable to see the destructive damage they are causing to themselves and to others in the process. It is estimated that this condition affects one percent of the population. First formulated in 1968, NPD was historically called megalomania, and is a form of severe Symptoms of this disorder, as defined by the DSM-IV-TR, include: Expects to be recognized as superior and special, without superior accomplishments Expects constant attention, admiration and positive reinforcement from others Envies others and believes others envy him/her Is preoccupied with thoughts and fantasies of great success, enormous attractiveness, power, intelligence Lacks the ability to empathize with the feelings or desires of others Is arrogant in attitudes and behavior Has expectations of special treatment that are unrealistic Other symptoms in addition to the ones defined by DSM-IV-TR include: Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends, has trouble keeping healthy relationships with others, easily hurt or rejected, appears unemotional, and exaggerating special achievements and talents, setting unrealistic goals for himself/herself. In addition to these symptoms, the person may display arrogance, show superiority, and seek power. The symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder can be similar to the traits of individuals with strong self-esteem and confidence; differentiation occurs when the underlying psychological structures of these traits are considered pathological. Narcissists have such an elevated sense of self-worth that they value themselves as inherently better than others, when in reality they have a fragile self-esteem, cannot handle criticism, and often try to compensate for this inner fragility by belittling or disparaging others in an attempt to validate their own self-worth. Comments and criticisms about others are vicious from sufferers of NPD, in an attempt to boost their own poor self-esteem.
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RHP User
10 years ago
he doesn't get humour and takes everything so serious except his own lame ass jokes, because he thinks he is funny.
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madotara69
10 years ago
Quoting 'Melbourne_Babe' he* doesn't get humour and takes everything so serious except his* own lame ass jokes, because he* thinks he* is funny. *(SIC)
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RHP User
10 years ago
Yep agree that you can't. It's not a male problem but a people problem
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RHP User
10 years ago
and your friend feels the need to put locks on their doors then she needs to get them out of there immediately. This will be doing damage not only to their ongoing sense of self and security, but their trust in her as a loving and protective mother. My ex failed to protect our children in a similar way from her partner, and they moved in with me full time as a result. I went out of my way to give her space in my house to spend time with them, and went out when she needed me to, but she consistently refused their requests to ask him to go out for the odd evening so they could visit her at her house, saying it was his house too and he had every right to be there. Now they've both cut off contact with her altogether. A child's trust, though hard to break, won't be regained if you lose it.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'sir_stir' Narcissism isn't depression - Posted from rhpmobileAgreed sir, but trust me when I say I know the difference.A depressed person can still be a narcassist
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'Lovinit28' Firstly I'd like to say, I don't usually copy and paste information on threads, I like to talk from my personal experience and this is indeed coming from personal experience. Below is the information I sent my ex husband not 2 weeks ago. The only person that can help your friend, is your friend herself. Until then, the only thing you can do for her is be there for her and give her as much information and support as you can. Because she will have to get to a point before she makes the decision to walk away.....and I don't know if this is what's happening in this relationship, the only people that know that are the pair in it..... Extract of what I sent my ex, minus all the personal stuff about our relationship over a course of the 23 years..... Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder in which a person is excessively preoccupied with personal adequacy, power, prestige and vanity, mentally unable to see the destructive damage they are causing to themselves and to others in the process. It is estimated that this condition affects one percent of the population. First formulated in 1968, NPD was historically called megalomania, and is a form of severe Symptoms of this disorder, as defined by the DSM-IV-TR, include: Expects to be recognized as superior and special, without superior accomplishments Expects constant attention, admiration and positive reinforcement from others Envies others and believes others envy him/her Is preoccupied with thoughts and fantasies of great success, enormous attractiveness, power, intelligence Lacks the ability to empathize with the feelings or desires of others Is arrogant in attitudes and behavior Has expectations of special treatment that are unrealistic Other symptoms in addition to the ones defined by DSM-IV-TR include: Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends, has trouble keeping healthy relationships with others, easily hurt or rejected, appears unemotional, and exaggerating special achievements and talents, setting unrealistic goals for himself/herself. In addition to these symptoms, the person may display arrogance, show superiority, and seek power. The symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder can be similar to the traits of individuals with strong self-esteem and confidence; differentiation occurs when the underlying psychological structures of these traits are considered pathological. Narcissists have such an elevated sense of self-worth that they value themselves as inherently better than others, when in reality they have a fragile self-esteem, cannot handle criticism, and often try to compensate for this inner fragility by belittling or disparaging others in an attempt to validate their own self-worth. Comments and criticisms about others are vicious from sufferers of NPD, in an attempt to boost their own poor self-esteem. Exactly!!
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'Melbourne_Babe' he doesn't get humour and takes everything so serious except his own lame ass jokes, because he thinks he is funny. Love it :) and love the fact you're not afraid to say it :)
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RHP User
10 years ago
Is be her friend....narcissism is actually a mental illness..but many people are just simply selfish....I have known a few people,both male and female who I consider to be narcissistic.... they are empty souls with personalities that appear to be constructed.They constantly and endlessly tell others how wonderful they are and often do lots of negging,they are masters of the back handed compliment...they have no real interest in others and have no insight into their own behavior xAuntie
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RHP User
10 years ago
OP,your other post wasn't here when I posted....your friend needs to leave for the safety of her children...verbal abuse is abuse...I have a friend whose husband had been diasgnosef with narcisicisim,he suffers from depression...and has had anumber of psychotic break downs...he has also been hospitalised..... Your friends partner needs help and treatment ....and a bit of compassion too..x ,Auntie
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Mischeviouslad
10 years ago
Narcissism cops a bad wrap. Defined: -Narcissism is the pursuit of gratification from vanity, or egotistic admiration of one's own physical or mental attributes, that derive from arrogant pride. Sure, excessive narcissism is never a good thing.... but, we all NEED a small amount of narcissism. Otherwise we'd be lumbered with low self worth, low self esteem, no drive, and no desire to make our own lives better. You wouldnt exercise, you wouldnt work, strive, acheive.... you wouldnt even care enough to love. Im a (mild) narcissist and Im ok with that.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'Mischeviouslad' Narcissism cops a bad wrap. Sure, excessive narcissism is never a good thing.... but, we all NEED a small amount of narcissism. Otherwise we'd be lumbered with low self worth, low self esteem, no drive, and no desire to make our own lives better. You wouldnt exercise, you wouldnt work, strive, acheive.... you wouldnt even care enough to love. Im a (mild) narcissist and Im ok with that. Agreed! But in this case its definitely excessive narcissism
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RHP User
10 years ago
Between having a good dose of self esteem or self worth,and narcissistic self absorbed behavior that comes from low self esteem and is exhibited as an overinflated ego....in other words, appearing as one thing and in reality being the opposite.....xQ
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RHP User
10 years ago
Self grandios - vanity and lulled into "this is perfect love?.Only to find you trapped in a psychological war which makes you battle with your own ability to even think as straight as you used to..Add client collections and a quest to save the world and you're on the way to Sociopathic- sly operator but not Vain.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Life is a stage, and when the curtain falls upon an act, it is finished and forgotten. The emptiness of such a life is beyond imagination. —Alexander Lowen, describing the existence of a narcissist - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
The older I get the more I have come to realize this is a male privileged society - because men say so!
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Mischeviouslad
10 years ago
Ahhhhh but miss MB..... Quoting 'Melbourne_Babe' The older I get the more I have come to realize this is a male privileged society - because men say so! Ahhh miss MB... but for most men, the women say when
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RHP User
10 years ago
I think its true, men can be a little bit narcissistic by nature. Just as females can tend to be a little bitchy, by nature. Its all good :p - Posted from rhpmobile
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