M36
Need some advice.
March 31 2015
Comments
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RHP User
10 years ago
1. We don't know her, you, or your relationship, so it's kinda hard to make any such prediction based upon your op. 2. Would it really bother you if she did want him back?? - Posted from rhpmobile
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Mischeviouslad
10 years ago
Phil....... Its Tough Love day for you. I could tell you why I think she is drawn to this other guy, instead of you..... but thats a whole other (long) topic. You're her option B, buddy.Do you really want to be anybody's relationship "fall-back-boy"? No, you don't..... because thats a very low status place to exist, and it destroys your self esteem. But... because she's intimate with you, you are in with a chance. If you want to lose her.... give her an ultimatum.... him or you. IF you want this woman, wholly and fully, in your life..... instead of "sort-of" seeing her........ then, you need to be a MAN and stand up for yourself by telling her to GO find out what she wants. Because you're worth more than being her Plan B.... and if she doesn't see and feel that, she will never really respect your drive, determination and worth. The thing about being Plan B.... is that you will never be Plan A, and that means she will never be as into you, as she is into chasing a dream that she can't have. And ultimately, that means you'll never inspire her enough for her to REALLY be with you, even if she is with you. You've got to let her go.Do it the right way..... and she will come back like you're the magnet, instead of him.
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RHP User
10 years ago
If you cant be with the one you love... Love the one youre with
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RHP User
10 years ago
Maybe her way of keeping you at arms length. If you want the girl, take her. Then you'll find out one way or the other.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I've been in both your position and your friend's position. Based on that, I think it's entirely possible to be having a quasi or FWB relationship with someone while still being in love with/wanting to get back together with the ex. So my answer to your question would be yes, she really wants him back. But that's my opinion only, purely based on my experiences. As Sir_Stir said, we don't know you or her or the full situation. Much love, Elle xx
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RHP User
10 years ago
Be someone's down time, part time, convenient time, low time, lonely time 2nd best option.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Believe what she is telling you instead of asking others how to interpret her words and actions. She says she has unfinished business, why not take her word for it?
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RHP User
10 years ago
Following on from what Meander said, make the decision on where you want to be in all of this and whether you see yourself as "plan B" guy, the "fall back" guy or the guy that she wants to have business with in the future. Your choice. Good luck
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Mischeviouslad
10 years ago
I say..... dont listen to her words..... ... watch her actions.... because those will show the true direction that her emotions compel her to go.... and not the rationalised verbalising of them that she says to make you feel better, or to make her feel better, or to make the other guy feel better. Her words are irrelevant here.... because her agenda is to be with someone else.And that means she simply isnt going to be 100% honest with you, 100% honest with him or even 100% honest herself......... and thats because she's driven by an emotional urge, and not a rational, necessarily logical process. Better for YOU than watching her actions...... is to TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR OWN. Grab the steering wheel and make your own path..... she can either jump onboard, or, get left at the station.... watching you live your life. lethergo DG
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RHP User
10 years ago
mischievouslad is sort of right she's got you in a holding pattern but the fact is she's got more history with the other guy. She will gravitate back to him what you have to do is show some balls and be indifferent to what she does. Just tell her,"I care for you very much if you change your mind give me a call and we will catch up and have some fun" Then NEVER CONTACT HER AGAIN FOR ANY REASON UNLESS SHE CALLS YOU! Eventually the other guy will fuck up and she will look around and choose the most masculine man. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
inly take notice of what women do never what they say This woman is testing you to see if you're man enough and confident enough to drop her once you do she will come back she obviously has a high level of attraction if she is sleeping with you - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'Meander' Believe what she is telling you instead of asking others how to interpret her words and actions. She says she has unfinished business, why not take her word for it? Sometimes when a woman goes back to that guy, she thinks ...now i know why I left him in the first place Or if he left her, she may think , wow there are no feelings here anymore. Just communicate with her is all you can do, and support her decision.
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Mr_MrsAraps
10 years ago
Depends on how important her being elusive to means to you or whether your okay for her to have some non monogamy for her to work out what she wants. The fact she is saying it means she is 100% sure she has some strong feelings for him. As others have said she may well spend some time with the ex and realise that yes that was why I broke up with him in the first place or they may reconnect and there is no spark there anymore ...... or they may hit it off again and she may want to be with him. Either way you need to use your words and sit down with her and have an honest conversation about what you both are after in the relationship and what direction you see the relationship heading. If the relationship does end I see nothing wrong with potentially re-connecting if it doesn't work out with the ex as long as you don't burn bridges but thats just me. Cheers, W
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RHP User
10 years ago
You probably need to be asking yourself is why you can't just accept her version of it. I would go with Meander and take a leap of faith and believe her. Or try asking her outright if you have concerns. Good luck. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
"Don't listen to her words, watch her actions" is potentially a bloody dangerous thing to suggest to strangers here. Nothing personal, if I'm overly sensitive it's because I've heard that phrase just too many times in bad situations.
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Mischeviouslad
10 years ago
Its fine. The response was directed to the topic author. While the OP is a stranger to you and I....... He clearly knows the woman we're speaking about, so my comments were not some suggestion to commence an operation of stalking. I think the context and advice offered to him was pretty clear.
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RHP User
10 years ago
you are her fuck buddy / friend with benefits. If you are happy with that, do nothing....if you are not, you need to either tell her how you feel and what you need OR let her know you are not happy to be JUST the FB and leave. Ultimately it is your choice, but you dont have to lay around like a dpor mat while she keeps ypu on reserve. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
She said she has unfinished business with him, she will never be able to fully commit to you or anybody else until she sorts that out - period.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Set her free and yourself free... If you both reconnect later them you can be 110% sure
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TallBaldSexy
10 years ago
Full 100% points to her for honesty. Sometimes you have to set them free.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Sweet, all of these things are helpful in some way. I have sat her down and we have both said how we feel, she does like me and could see it going further. I have known her for quite awhile so it's not a new friendship etc really. Cheers for the input though - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
Answer your question OP.yes.she wants him back,that's what unfinished business is a euphemism for...just let her go...you obviously are not as important to her as he is..harsh I know but true.IF you were more important she wouldn't be going back to him xxFreya
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'Meander' "Don't listen to her words, watch her actions" is potentially a bloody dangerous thing to suggest to strangers here. Nothing personal, if I'm overly sensitive it's because I've heard that phrase just too many times in bad situations. Why is that a bad thing to say? A person who wants to see what they want to see will always find a way regardless if they listen to words or watch actions.
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RHP User
10 years ago
... and I think that anyone who has been in the position of having 'unfinished business' would agree: This unfinished business (whatever it may be), is not about you - it has absolutely nothing to do with you in the sense that it has nothing to do with who you are as a person … it has everything to do with her state of mind (if that makes any sense). If you can try to understand that, you can avoid taking it or making it personally in terms of self worth etc.
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RHP User
10 years ago
amen!!! Let her shit be her shit.....go about YOUR business and if she comes back then all good... If not...don't beat yourself up over it.... Which was kinda my point 2....lol - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
after the 3rd stab wound it no longer becomes YouTube'able 😝 - Posted from rhpmobile
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PL1963
10 years ago
Blow it man, in Punters term's, she's havin' an "each way bet". Just tell her to go back and "sort out her shit". If you stand around waitin' & watchin', it will only take longer to sort. He quite probably mistreated her, but she goes back for more. Chicks like that are "masochistic' and run back to "good guys" like you when it goes wrong again. Don't waste your life man. Hook up with "Freogirl", you'll have a ball. Just my opinion. Cheers P.L.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Her name was angela and she did much the same thing to me. 3 years ago I set her free and simply said give me a call when you made you mind up. She calls from time to time and I ask how's things with the fella??? She say still working through it??? I say that's great we'll been nice chatting I'll talk later.. I must admit I do love that girl dearly and wish it had of worked for us but I have self respect... I will point out we were both single at that time and she started with him whilst seeing me...
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RHP User
10 years ago
Can you enjoy the sex without getting attached emotionally attached to this woman? If it has only been a few weeks and you know where she stands as far as being emotionally unavailable for anything more than friendship/sex, then just enjoy the sex for a while and move on. Keep living your life and keep your options open and don't be exclusive with this woman, because she is not a headspace to give you anything more than friendship/casual sex at this stage. If you are already emotionally attached, then I would tell you to stop seeing her because you will get hurt
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'Luckyphil88' Sweet, all of these things are helpful in some way. I have sat her down and we have both said how we feel, she does like me and could see it going further. I have known her for quite awhile so it's not a new friendship etc really. Cheers for the input though - Posted from rhpmobile If that is the case, then stop having sex with her. You need to enforce your boundaries,. If you have none, now is a good time to start practicing. It will also show you how much you value your own self worth. Remain friends if you choose to, but get on with your life independently of what she is doing. If she does clear her head over the course of time and you are still available and she wants to pursue something with you, start dating again without sex and take things slowly from there .
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RHP User
10 years ago
Oh who cares. If she is a friend and like to hang out, have fun, and play around why worry about the possible future. There are no guarantees in life and so what is she ups and leaves, it could happen with anyone. Have fun now don't fret over possibilities that may not even happen.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Have you ever heard "Her mouth said no but her eyes/body/actions said yes" or "She said she didn't want to, but I could tell she really did"? That's what DG's comment reminded me of. They are very common defenses in sexual abuse cases. Now, I'm quite sure everyone who is familiar with DG's posts will know that's not what he meant at all, but I wanted to mention it as there are many lurkers out there too. Yes, I'm overly sensitive because I've seen a lot of abuse in my job. Please carry on. :-)
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RHP User
10 years ago
I think a man who abuses people weaker than himself will justify his behaviour any way he can .. What they did and want ghetto said is irrelevant. I don't why you would make a link like that when the question is nothing to do with domestic violence. It's perfectly okay for DG to have made a comment like that. Personally I think that women look to men's actions and don't listen to their words much to their detriment.
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RHP User
10 years ago
What do you say to women who have been abused and take the c*nt back.... Don't listen to his words, judge him by his actions. Right?
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RHP User
10 years ago
We'll always tell people to look at both words and behaviour, and see if they match. If the words are positive but someone's actions are not, it's a clear warning sign. I think when we're talking about someone's wishes or boundaries though, it shouldn't matter how someone acts, those should be taken a face value. In the OP Phil said this woman told him she wants to sort things out with her ex and see where that goes. That is a clear wish, I think. Even if Phil were not to believe her, it doesn't mean he should respond to how she acting instead of what she is saying. Does that make sense? I feel like I'm rambling a bit.
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RHP User
10 years ago
We're going off topic. I'm glad you two talked about the situation openly, I hope things work out for both of you!
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madotara69
10 years ago
Headmiles perhaps, it helps to know she thinks it could go further, personally I'd stick to the friendship you both need that no matter where anything could go further anyhow and without it? My Grandad use to tell me " A man's word will be measured for worth by the deeds of his actions" something like that, I'd have to ask mum to be sure to the wording around it. Whata ya reckon that means?
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madotara69
10 years ago
The first "do you think she "really" wants him back Not The second "it's not a new friendship ect, "really" They sort of really clash a little.
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LetsFrolic
10 years ago
Is known as side dick.. she is trying to.make him jealous to come ba CV k.. if he doesnt well youre yhe next best thing. ..bpossibly.. she may just throw both of you away and start from scratch - Posted from rhpmobile
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LetsFrolic
10 years ago
It means words mean nothing.. watch peoples actions. People can say anything but what they actually do is whether it was meant or just a lie. Aka "actions speak louder than words" - Posted from rhpmobile
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madotara69
10 years ago
I always thought it meant, both of these all put together The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. – Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr Try not to become a person of success but rather try to become a person of value. Albert Einstein
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RHP User
10 years ago
A trustworthy person is one who says as he* does, and does as he says. How's that, Mado? Any gender, obvs.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I think you're assuming a bit much about this woman's character from a short explanation that's one person's side of the story.
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madotara69
10 years ago
Well a friendship does certainly have a good chance as a relationship and love for that matter if both are trustworthy. And any gender of course, just quoting from old Grandad, he's dead now, has been for shit.... about twenty years and a lot of his stuff was war stories too. I don't think a woman was a person yet, back then :) Would you trust me too cut your hair, if I said I could and I would? (of course not, not a fckn chance Mado:) I'd think fair you are standing in times of challenge and controversy, outside of the comfort and convenience for going with the flow, so it's the deed in defending someone in an unfair and weak position of self and you are a person of values measured as worth. Any gender. I'm not convinced the OP has been read properly. "Do you really think she would go back to him", could be he is guessing himself and she may never have said she was. We have been friends etc. for quite a while really. I mean really where is the OP in or out of his comfort zone by having a friend spoken of in the way it's been coming. "It could lead to more", not if his friend comes across this disaster.
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