M46 F36

New to swingers scene

March 20 2021

Hi. I’m a newbie here. Firstly I love sex and everything that goes with it. I am pretty submissive and willing to try new things My personal struggle at the moment, is that my bf wants to go further with our relationship and into the swinger scene as it’s a huge turn on for him. I am open to the idea as we have expressed our fantasies. I’m completely devoted to him and I’m willing to give it a go. (Won’t know if I don’t try it) He has organised now on 4 seperate occasions, without us really discussing and addressing possible feelings that may pop up. These 4 encounters, all Women, I wasn’t included in the decision, and it was sprung on me at the last minute. Which put me into flight mode. Collectively all my insecurities/ fears and emotions took over. And I felt very uncomfortable, and threatened. How do I overcome them? I’ve strongly suggested to him that I need to know what role I play, Set out limits etc for both, and for me to be included in the discussion and decision making with the 3rd party. Am I being unfair? How do I move past my insecurities and fears? I feel as if I’m disappointing him. TIA

Comments

2EssesExploring

4 years ago

Oh my, your bf is the one who needs to learn about the difference between submissive and forcing you without consent. You sound like a people pleaser and as such will do things for him that you don’t really enjoy or want to do. If he doesn’t realise this and pushes you he will lose you when you find your strength. I had an ex like you, I never knew what her “yes’s” meant and it was ultimately destructive for both of us. My partner now is truly sexually submissive and actually very submissive in general but she only submits when it is completely her choice. If I want her to do anything she’s uncomfortable with she will show her strength and it won’t happen. This is so much healthier and has allowed us to explore more than I ever thought possible because we are really in tune with each other. Honestly your bf is showing you no respect by doing what he is doing and his motivation is likely just to get more pussy, not to develop your bond by exploring. Of course he could just be clueless to it all but he needs to learn quick or you need to find someone who respects you.

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peter196921

4 years ago

I am not female as you can tell, but, if your partner wants to have a successful journey with you he needs to have you involved with the selection, this could make you more comfortable with the meet, also, put it to him, how would he feel if you went out and a organized a meet for you both with a guy and he had nothing to do with the arrangement 🤔

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teamaj2

4 years ago

I have so many things to say in response to you but I fear I don’t want to offend you or your BF . I will attempt to tread cautiously . You are not being unfair . Insecurities and feelings of hesitation are normal . Your BF should have your back 100% of the time . You need to be assured of that prior proceeding. His number one priority should be you , your happiness and you feeling secure. I can only give my view on relationships . Personally I feel relationships thrive on respect , honesty and two people working TOGETHER in all decision making . Decisions are made and conflicts are resolved by working together for the greater good . We draw boundaries, we define ourselves and protect our own spaces and ideas . We both felt before dipping our toes into the exciting waters of play with others our relationship needed to be rock solid . We waited many years prior proceeding into play . We had fantasies , spoke about it constantly and discussed what insecurities, issues may arise . You cannot cover all the bases of course as you or your BF don’t know how you will actually feel and what situations may arise . To proceed I would suggest boundaries of what you both would and wouldn’t be comfortable with . These goal posts can be moved with non accusatory discussions at any time . Never proceed if you feel uncomfortable, even to please your partner . We also feel that whom you meet should be a decision the two of you make . I know all couples navigate this lifestyle differently . I can’t tell you exactly what will work for you . Obviously , your BF doing the decision making and coercing you without warning does not work . Chatting with potential play partners, looking at pictures and discussing possible meet ups is a type of flirting and can give you a feel for the person or persons . I understand that you are the submissive one in the relationship and want to please your BF . For me anyway , being submissive doesn’t mean you have no rights or say in what occurs . Good luck . Ax

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The_Antichrist

4 years ago

Personally... I think you overcome by removing your boyfriend. Any interactions that engage in as a couple should be discussed as a couple...else you cannot establish consent. Without consent you don’t have squat....

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Phoenix_Rising

4 years ago

Is he reading this? That’s a fucken dick move, I’d seriously be making his life difficult for being such a selfish, clueless twit!! Sorry but that shits me, is he paying attention to you and what you want at all or just pretending to give a shit enough to try and get away with doing what he wants? Nothing should be a surprise unless you’ve agreed to be surprised, which I know can seem a little like it could ruin the moment but the other option that sees you not enjoying it or being ready for it is obviously not a good one. You are not being unfair in your requests and HE’S the one who should be worried about disappointing YOU by the looks of this. Sorry if my words are too angry but wow, if my partner behaved like that he most certainly would not be my partner for long.

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MsSuperFoxy

4 years ago

It is not YOU! Your feelings are valid. Sorry, but your BF is a dickhead for organising occasions (as you stated on 4 times), without discussing them with you. Guys like this make my blood boil. Because they make it all about them, and exclude you and your choices. It's very selfish behaviour, which now in turn makes you question yourself. Only you know the answer. I know what I'd be doing. Ms Foxy

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Obi1kenietzsche

4 years ago

I think that if you are perhaps looking for confirmation from the wider RHP community as to what you already know, or what you suspect, ..... then you now have it. All the very best with what must be a quite stressful situation. X Obi1

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FeistyFatty

4 years ago

He's a douche. Not interested at all in exploring with you, moreso just wants his cake and eat it too. I wouldn't have allowed him to put me in this situation FOUR TIMES!!!! Drop him like the drop kick he clearly is.

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MsSuperFoxy

4 years ago

The BF deserves a 5 out of 5, f*ck that! Ms Foxy

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RHP User

4 years ago

Surprise him with a dom bi guy who can fuck you both. I’m sure he’ll love and appreciate you more for it. 😉

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jessica__rabbit

4 years ago

Like everyone else has said, your boyfriend is a selfish prick who has no concern for you or what you want. His actions are disgusting and he clearly doesn't understand the difference between willing submission and coercion without consent. He sounds like a bully not a Dom. You can do much much better for yourself than how he has chosen to treat you. Wipe your hands of him and find someone who respects you and what you have to offer. He clearly doesn't.

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UpAllNightToGet

4 years ago

Hi there, sorry to hear about your experiences. You are not being unfair. You are totally justified in feeling nervous about your first experience and in reacting the way you did to your boyfriend arranging meets without your input. I suggest you demand your boyfriend pauses all activity on the site until you two have had the chance to have a sit down and plan how you are going to conduct yourselves online. You should feel comfortable saying what you need from him, like him consulting you before he makes any move on the site (liking someone's profile, messaging someone or arranging a meet). If you don't feel comfortable in expressing your needs, then work on that before trying swinging. Otherwise, swinging will go badly and ultimately damage your relationship. Your insecurities could be overcome by (1) taking small steps successfully and building on them and (2) by being consulted on all actions/decisions (so you feel in control of the expereince instead of feeling like the expereince is happening to you without you having any control over it). For example, you could start by going to a social meet where there is no playing (see RHP events page). If you both enjoy this, you may feel like meeting someone for a drink. If you both enjoy this, then you could move on to meeting someone but only do a limited set of things like just you and the girl play together, or just same room fun but not swapping partners if it is a couple. Each step builds on the last. And only if you are both happy. If at any point in this step by step process you are not happy, it is time to pause and reflect and talk together about it and then adjust the plan or what you are willing to participate in. Your boyfriend might have to consider that you will withdraw consent for any/all activities at any point - and that he needs to support you if you do, as you need to be his priority, and you are either in this together or not at all, because doing it any other way is too damaging to the relationship long-term.

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Sawadee

4 years ago

I could write a long winded reply ' but ld rather get to the point. When a couple decide to open thier relationship together, thats the way it should stay, You make your decisions together.. l couldnt imagine organizing a meet up with anyone without the full approval from Mrs Sawadee . I wouldnt like to link up with anyone without first seeing if lm attracted, so why would l expect any difference from my wife.. In my opinion , your BF has it all wrong , For it to work happily , you need to be making your decisions together...

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Dirty_Couple69

4 years ago

Thank you every one for your honesty and advice. I will now collate it down and have a chat with him about future encounters we may have. Xxx

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Obi1kenietzsche

4 years ago

Sigh! Sorry, but I’m not convinced you will. And at 42, he is unlikely to change either. But you could at least make a start with YOU picking your profile name. Obi1

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RHP User

4 years ago

Clear case of disrespect he sees you as an object that a human

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sweetnsensual

4 years ago

We went and did a day long workshop with MisJif and always go through consent with any couple or single we meet. We are happy to chat to you both about consent and how to go about it if that helps?

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RHP User

4 years ago

Being a single woman, Im quite surprised that he has actually organised and had 4 seperate women agree to a ffm without them wanting to have any communication with you. I would never say yes to a 3way(or even a coffee meet) without at least chatting with the other half. Maybe he is in fantasy land and has messaged the profiles andjumped to Excited conclusions that its set in stone. Next time he says that to you, ask to speak with the female he has supposedly organised.

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RHP User

4 years ago

Couldn’t agree more with willowtree. If he has arranged 4 meets without some group sort of all in communication. He must be paying for it or dreaming. Definitely needs to be a open discussion. Not a lot of trust in the sneak attack.

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Chillymofo

4 years ago

Others here have spoken eloquently and with diplomacy. I as the male half of this couple tried to do the same - but i fear i will fail miserably This is a journey to take together with both parties fully engaged and willing Setting up 4 occasions without your consent is an absolute dick move and your BF needs a bloody rude awakening How about you let him know you are ready for this threesome and have organised a guy to come over and assist I mean, hell if you guys have not discussed boundaries, then anything goes - am I right? Im sorry but your BF is a dick, and sounds like he is not the slightest bit concerned for your welfare or security. As the male half of this partnership, the female half is the Queen and will be treated as such. If there is no respect and trust in the relationship, then you should really re think this

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