M52 F47
Pillow talk... how deep should it get?
April 05 2013
Comments
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RHP User
12 years ago
I am in the same situation. I never get attached, and I do have younger lovers. Yes some men can get under your radar and you have to be careful of that. Pillow talk is fine, I had a guy come over just to lay with me and have a good cry as his brother had killed himself. He was pretty upset knew he did not have to suck up his emotions with me. I am with them for sex and I tend never to do sleep overs at all, nor do I linger in the bed long after sex. Yes I am one of those people that say thanks honey that was great as I slip into my clothes and dash out the door. I am not having an affair, I am having sex I change my lovers and if I have a regular I see them no more than once a month, I tend to like variety and even one night stands. Its very easy to form attachments if the sex is good. So keeping the special ones at bay takes some self control I have had younger lover that got the girlfriend, but was back again as he liked the sex better with older women. However I think its not good to do that to young guys as they need to form normal healthy relationships and get girlfriends and not become addicted to the hot sex with older women so you have to catch and release
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RHP User
12 years ago
The answer is 42.Seriously, I still haven't worked out the answers to those questions. All I know is that I keep my RHP life as separate as I can from my real life. Until my kids are old enough, then that is the way it will stay. No exceptions.As for the younger guy thing, actually makes it easier. Play then leave. They tend to not ask questions.
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RHP User
12 years ago
we become attached to some lovers more than others OP.Even when we know it is a temporary,transient thing. Sex is sometimes not just about sex. This young man opened up to you because you were older,you provided a safe haven at the time that a younger woman may not have been able to do.After six months of seeing each other regularly you had become intimate.He clearly saw the pitfalls,the emotional ones for both of you. Wish him well,and remember with pleasure the gift that you gave to each other,and it's perfectly natural to mourn a little.
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RHP User
12 years ago
It is a given that regular meets will start forming attachments. Sounds a lot like what you have is more of a polyamourous relationship. You are having a relationship with two people rather than a relationship with your husband and NSA sex with the other guy.That is why I do not get involved sexually with married or attached women. It just gets too complicated. I've had women open up to me and talking to someone who does not judge and is supportive does help them heal. It is all about trust really between you and your lover. In my case, I tend to be in more long term partnerships, be it for months or years, so some form of attachment does form between us.
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De0cypher
12 years ago
Quoting 'Freya77' we become attached to some lovers more than others OP.Even when we know it is a temporary,transient thing. Sex is sometimes not just about sex. This young man opened up to you because you were older,you provided a safe haven at the time that a younger woman may not have been able to do.After six months of seeing each other regularly you had become intimate.He clearly saw the pitfalls,the emotional ones for both of you. Wish him well,and remember with pleasure the gift that you gave to each other,and it's perfectly natural to mourn a little. Would be to experience my RHP life like Freya's outlined. It's been a sometimes tough experience when people that are obviously special and stand out from the norm, slip under my skin...I'm not a big talker about personal things but I do seem to invite confidences and find it quite easy to draw most people out about life. This obviously creates that empathy that makes sex so hot. But on the rare occassion, late at night, when I've just had some amazing sexual experiences and my guard is down, I can open up about things. This is my red light. I know I'm starting to connect about more than just sex and I'm learning to just leave it about sex. I think I need to limit the really hot sex friends to seldom and enjoy more variety perhaps.... who knows! It's too hurtful otherwise.
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RHP User
12 years ago
How DEEP should PILLOW TALK get???As DEEP as this...- Take one firm PILLOW - place it under her hips as she lays on her back close to the edge of bed. - Raise her legs up towards her chest, insert in (lol).. for that DEEP penetration and all the TALK will me MOANS.Thats how DEEP, PILLOW TALK should be- this procrastinating on dirty thoughts and I have uni work to do...
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Mischeviouslad
12 years ago
We humans ALWAYS grow more connected to others, the longer and more intimately we are involved with them.Unless, you're a sociopath.And the more intense and enjoyable the shared experience, (emotional, physical, combination) then the greater the bonding tends to be.Its called making an emotional investment... and you've anchored yours through a physical response to the pleasurable experiences youve shared.This doesnt have to be a significant issue, if all parties recognize the friendship for what it is, and what it can only be.To answer your questions directly...1. I share most things with most people.... as it helps to open up the intimacy lines of communication.. which ultimately benefits the sexual one you're engaged in.2. Shorter term avoids the longer term connectivity which is pretty much inevitable. All casual.FB type friendships have a finite life... some last longer than others.3. In the early stages of meeting and seeing (even mainstream dating) I avoid contact of any type more frequently than 3 times a week. It avoids the "girlfriend vibe" kicking in, unless I want it to. If play dates, twice a week, max.... preferably once. I do however have NO issue taking the friendship into the outside world, holding hands, PDA, basically being genuine friends.DG
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RHP User
12 years ago
that there are very few people who can maintain a true FWB relationship without at least one eventually wanting more (I'm referring more to people in the 'normal' world here not the RHP world). And when I say a 'true' FWB relationship, I mean one in which the two people are actually friends as well, some people say they have FWBs but they are actually just FBs, there for sex only. Once you start sharing intimate details of your lives with each other, seeing each other regularly, and keeping in touch even on the days you don't see each other, then that is in most cases going to lead to a deeper level of emotional attachment at least for one party. That's why I've developed a few rules around my sexual liaisons, because at this point in time I want to avoid becoming too emotionally attached to anyone else, and having anyone else become too attached to me. Having said that, everyone has different expectations, boundaries, and rules, and there are no hard and fast answers for all.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'zu7bcv'It is a given that regular meets will start forming attachments. Sounds a lot like what you have is more of a polyamourous relationship. You are having a relationship with two people rather than a relationship with your husband and NSA sex with the other guy. That is why I do not get involved sexually with married or attached women. It just gets too complicated. I've had women open up to me and talking to someone who does not judge and is supportive does help them heal. It is all about trust really between you and your lover. In my case, I tend to be in more long term partnerships, be it for months or years, so some form of attachment does form between us. crosses zu of my bucket list
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RHP User
12 years ago
You hit the nail on the head Luckdragon. I would take my FWB to movies or dinner, go for social events with some of my friends. She said I treated her better than some of her ex-boyfriends. That caused some problems for her as I was sending out mixed signals. It seems that FWB don't do stuff like that. She started opening up more and more and I allowed her to, trying to be a friend. The best thing was to stop seeing each other as it was never going to go anywhere further.So, all of you suggest keeping it to once or twice a week and keep it to small talk?
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'tuscanred'crosses zu of my bucket list Sorry TR. My choice severely restricts my options but I am happy it as the current time. I would love to meet or chat with you as a friend though. I hope you meant remove my name from the list rather than cross it out. Crossing out has a different meaning
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'friskyeatin'How DEEP should PILLOW TALK get???As DEEP as this...- Take one firm PILLOW - place it under her hips as she lays on her back close to the edge of bed. - Raise her legs up towards her chest, insert in (lol).. for that DEEP penetration and all the TALK will me MOANS.Thats how DEEP, PILLOW TALK should be- this procrastinating on dirty thoughts and I have uni work to do...those pillows at Target................isle check on 13 please , an you tell me where all the fuck pillows went?
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RHP User
12 years ago
Ha ha at at Frisky eatin and Tuscan red.... Maybe we shouldn't just stop at the pillows, but do a whole bed linen overhaul....these are my clean crisp sheets and these are my fuck pillows and sheets.....woohoo!!!! :-) Mrs Bi
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RHP User
12 years ago
That muffled voice you are hearing? It is me talking to my pillow. Sometimes it is through my pillow. Come over to my side of town TR. There were a few left at Target. Worse comes to the worse, you can always try K-Mart or Big-W. DG, to rephrase what you just said, we all make emotional investments, even with NSA sex. After all, you won't go back for more if you were not satisfied - happiness emotion. It is the amount we invest that differs, depending on what we want. The better the connection, then the higher the trust and lower the risk. So, we tend to invest more - be it emotions, time, effort, secrets. Expectations and open communication is key.
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Cheekyarses
12 years ago
Of course it is natural to miss him. You shared your bodies n become friends - so miss him! Everytime you think about him send him some light n love n then let it go...... Younger guys tend to talk to older women alot more as we have more life experiences n it can be easier then talking to your partner..... Maybe this younger guy fell for you n knowing he could never have you all to himself - it was easier to walk away. But once emotions start flowing n attachments start..... It is time to move on - if you are already married or in a relationship, it's not fair on yourself or the other person involved. Is it best to just remain good friends without overstepping the sexual boundary?
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RHP User
12 years ago
I get you Lusty'. I had a similar experience with my on again - off again UNI student thing last year. while we had some lovely chemistry, it's the interpersonal stuff that I miss. Later in the fling, her unloads and the feeling I was being a useful ear gave me a warm glow. I didn't grieve when she moved on (if she has?) but I regularly think of her and wish her well.I feel like I was an important part in her working some of her self out. I am happy about that. Once she'd done that process, she moved on. And hopefully focused on getting more "A"s.~smiles~Though, given the length and depth of your fling, I think your young bloke could have had the balls to call you rather than hiding behind a text. ~shugs~
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'paintme' As for the younger guy thing, actually makes it easier. Play then leave. They tend to not ask questions."Play then leave" is a bit hard for me due to the circumstances of my dates. Like you I do my playing away from home, keep it totally separate to my home life, always play in a motel 2-4 hours away from where I live - this usually means that the FB ends up staying the night so we can make it a all night long (with sleeps in between) session and catch one last quickie in the morning ;) My dates are usually only once a month due to work and kid commitments so I like to make the most of it! Am I greedy? maybe hahaha or just oversexed? But I like to nail him good and proper and of couse an all night sesh means there are talks in between, dips in the spa (with talks), food (with talks)... talk, talk, talk and hence the deeper connections I guess?
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'tuscanred' Yes some men can get under your radar and you have to be careful of that. Its very easy to form attachments if the sex is good. So keeping the special ones at bay takes some self control I have had younger lover that got the girlfriend, but was back again as he liked the sex better with older women. However I think its not good to do that to young guys as they need to form normal healthy relationships and get girlfriends and not become addicted to the hot sex with older women so you have to catch and release Hmmm how do you effectively stop them from "getting under your radar"? I have wondered if I come across as 'cold hearted bitch' whether that might stop the deep disclosures, bonding etc? But essentially this is really hard for me because I am an authentic, intensely expressive, communicative Gemini Early on in the arrangement we talked about "if he should get a girlfriend what should happen" and we agreed that if he did I would no longer see him. Its a no brainer that this would be considered cheating on his behalf - and I don't do cheaters! So there was ALWAYS going to be a time eventually where he found a girlfriend. I accept that and I knew going into this game that this would be a reality that I would have to deal with at some stage. I can never give him the full relationship thing - Im married... duh... I guess I am probably just wondering underneath it all is there a way I could have dealt with this better to ultimately cause less heartache when it got to the "new girlfriend" stage? I should say at this point that this is pretty new to me (only 12 months in) and he is only the second FB I have played with - the first one got a girlfriend too but he still sends naughty messages etc (hes a Taurus , go figure haha). The 20 year old has asked to remain friends because this is important to him.. but I am also pondering, whether it would be easier on everyone to just make a clean break vs just hanging in there in the background just in case circumstances change. hmmm.. another question to ponder. aargghhh why does it seem so complicated?!
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RHP User
12 years ago
Op i struggle with this at times too, there are a couple of new "friends" who i find very easy to talk to, and there is an attachment of sorts, so i can understand your feelings of hurt etc its always nice to feel special especially when its someone younger, its great for the ego too! So to be suddenly replaced easily tears ones self esteem down a little :(
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'Freya77' we become attached to some lovers more than others OP.Even when we know it is a temporary,transient thing. Sex is sometimes not just about sex. This young man opened up to you because you were older,you provided a safe haven at the time that a younger woman may not have been able to do.After six months of seeing each other regularly you had become intimate.He clearly saw the pitfalls,the emotional ones for both of you. Wish him well,and remember with pleasure the gift that you gave to each other,and it's perfectly natural to mourn a little. Goddess Bless you Freya77! I found your post very profound and to have you give me "permission" to mourn a little was just what I needed. I was thinking I was el freako emotional dickhead about this but hey.. I guess I'm only human.. so THANK YOU mwah :)
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'zu7bcv'It is a given that regular meets will start forming attachments. Sounds a lot like what you have is more of a polyamourous relationship. You are having a relationship with two people rather than a relationship with your husband and NSA sex with the other guy. That is why I do not get involved sexually with married or attached women. It just gets too complicated. I've had women open up to me and talking to someone who does not judge and is supportive does help them heal. It is all about trust really between you and your lover. In my case, I tend to be in more long term partnerships, be it for months or years, so some form of attachment does form between us. Hmm.. polyamorous.. maybe? maybe not? He lives almost 4 hours away from me and we met up once a month with only texting/emailing in between (I don't do phone calls because of young children at home and like to protect them from exposure to my "other life"). So it was hardly a "relationship" but more just electronic communications between shags. Having said that the "polyamorous" label probably does suit me/us better because to me that is more authentic to the intense, intelligent, authentic person I am, BUT.. I am still always open to the one night stands, so maybe I am a cross breed of poly/swingy. haha
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'friskyeatin'How DEEP should PILLOW TALK get???As DEEP as this...- Take one firm PILLOW - place it under her hips as she lays on her back close to the edge of bed. - Raise her legs up towards her chest, insert in (lol).. for that DEEP penetration and all the TALK will me MOANS.Thats how DEEP, PILLOW TALK should be- this procrastinating on dirty thoughts and I have uni work to do... Hahaha.. maybe the pillow should be strategically placed over the FB's face so they can't get all deep and meaningful and then it gets emotional? i.e. just sex, no talk. I pondered something I read today by a sex worker, who said that over the years she has had men disclose all manner and sorts of personal private things, trauma and emotional baggage. Its like sex opens intimacy on more levels than one, even when it is a paid contract.. hmm....
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'Mischeviouslad'We humans ALWAYS grow more connected to others, the longer and more intimately we are involved with them. Unless, you're a sociopath. And the more intense and enjoyable the shared experience, (emotional, physical, combination) then the greater the bonding tends to be. Its called making an emotional investment... and you've anchored yours through a physical response to the pleasurable experiences youve shared. This doesnt have to be a significant issue, if all parties recognize the friendship for what it is, and what it can only be. To answer your questions directly... 1. I share most things with most people.... as it helps to open up the intimacy lines of communication.. which ultimately benefits the sexual one you're engaged in. 2. Shorter term avoids the longer term connectivity which is pretty much inevitable. All casual.FB type friendships have a finite life... some last longer than others. 3. In the early stages of meeting and seeing (even mainstream dating) I avoid contact of any type more frequently than 3 times a week. It avoids the "girlfriend vibe" kicking in, unless I want it to. If play dates, twice a week, max.... preferably once. I do however have NO issue taking the friendship into the outside world, holding hands, PDA, basically being genuine friends. DG thank you... youve nailed it for me.. :) **blows kiss** xx
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'Cheekyarses'Of course it is natural to miss him. You shared your bodies n become friends - so miss him! Everytime you think about him send him some light n love n then let it go...... Younger guys tend to talk to older women alot more as we have more life experiences n it can be easier then talking to your partner..... Maybe this younger guy fell for you n knowing he could never have you all to himself - it was easier to walk away. But once emotions start flowing n attachments start..... It is time to move on - if you are already married or in a relationship, it's not fair on yourself or the other person involved. Is it best to just remain good friends without overstepping the sexual boundary? I am with you on the possibility of him falling for me.... I would rate myself a highly intuitive person and I could "feel" that I had quite possibly given him something he had never had, due to his inexperience both sexually and relationship wise (as well as emotionally). Sigh... I hate to say it.. but it was probably a bit mother/son type emotional nurturance too - which was hard to avoid because I am a compassionate person who tends to care about people and help them to grow/heal. Its in my nature. He may have realised that we could never "BE" together and before it got any more complicated hes pulled the pin. Fair enough. I would do the same.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'ding26'Op i struggle with this at times too, there are a couple of new "friends" who i find very easy to talk to, and there is an attachment of sorts, so i can understand your feelings of hurt etc its always nice to feel special especially when its someone younger, its great for the ego too! So to be suddenly replaced easily tears ones self esteem down a little :( Yep youve said it in one :'( It is not a total heartbreak - not as intense as that - but its rather like saying a sudden goodbye to a friend who you are fond of. One minute they are there, then next theyre gone. There will no doubt be an emotional process I work through (a low level grief response of sorts) but i know i will be ok. Its part of the journey... and probably not the last time it will happen either! Luckily my profession is in counselling, therapy, life coaching - I have my own therapist right there in my own head hahaha
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RHP User
12 years ago
Sooo.. is the solution in one... just find a new toyboy?
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'Lusty3rdwanted' The 20 year old has asked to remain friends because this is important to him.. but I am also pondering, whether it would be easier on everyone to just make a clean break vs just hanging in there in the background just in case circumstances change. hmmm.. another question to ponder. aargghhh why does it seem so complicated?! I had this exact situation happen to me. A clean break might be easier for all but I could not do it. She was going through a tough time, personally and emotionally, and I was her pillar of support. It sounds like you have a similar outlook in trying to help people you know. So, it really depends on the situation but from what you said, he might still need your help/advice. Just be a friend without expectation of any change in circumstances. If his girlfriend knows about you and asked him for a clean break, then provide it to him. He eventually has to learn to be independent..
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RHP User
12 years ago
Friends with benefits and fuck buddies are completely different. Fuck buddies in my view are simply arriving, fucking, and leaving with very little talk. Friends with benefits however, is in my view, when you are IN contact quite regularly, you hang out together, and you share the sexual benefits, without commitment. In your situation, I think you've skewed the boundaries a little, by allowing to him to get deeper than what's necessary. Unless of course, you've both defined your relations together as a friends with benefits. The other questions, will define themselves once you clearly define your interactions and what you constitute as acceptable behaviour to each one. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'zu7bcv' Quoting 'tuscanred'crosses zu of my bucket list Sorry TR. My choice severely restricts my options but I am happy it as the current time. I would love to meet or chat with you as a friend though. I hope you meant remove my name from the list rather than cross it out. Crossing out has a different meaning sounds good to me , we can still make friends
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RHP User
12 years ago
I am lucky in that I am so much older and its a no brainer it will never go anywhere apart from between my thighs. I do have married lovers so that is a good way to stop the emotion and I do not ask about their life, I do not tell that much about mine except that my husband knows I am on rhp and that I never meet anyone when he is home. I also have a set of rules, for me and for them. Do not call unless you have sent a text first, as I will only talk to you when I am free to do so. No surprises please though I do talk to my female friends of rhp, as hubby does not need it rubbed in his face that I have lovers. I never contact a guy after sex , if he wants me again he will let me know. I tell all my lovers that I have other lovers, so I never have that special one. Though sometimes yes, some I do connect and its tricky but If I keep it just to sex and keep myself focused on the primal pleasure and not the warm conversations after sex it helps I also like to have threesomes with my girlfriends, as that deflects some of the intimacy that can happen. though with us , some guys will still go solo with me while others will connect to them, horses for courses. I think that’s more laws of attraction rather than intimacy. You are allowed your feelings in life, so what works for me will not work for another woman. or man for that matter. The heart is a muscle sometimes we need to exercise it and give a little bit a way and with that we get a some good memorys Feelings good and bad are what we are meant to have. TR counsellor, and bill is in the mail
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RHP User
12 years ago
Thank you Tuscan! You have made some points worth considering!! Hmmmm might be time for me to consider some rules, whether it be ones that I communicate to my playmates or just personal inner rules....or a combo of both. Thank you wise woman!
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