SHOULD I GO BACK TO WORK N TEACHING

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  RHP User

  11 years ago

  Sorry I'm not your therapist! Lol - Posted from rhpmobile

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  RHP User

  11 years ago

  Sorry I have been on the other side of your relationship (pnd) and am a bit sensitive that you said "I was her lover and support, not her therapist". I understand that your situation would be different to mine, it's more the attitude I have a problem with. Sorry no advice. - Posted from rhpmobile

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  RHP User

  11 years ago

  But if you're asking should you return to work after this apparent breakup.... Then I would say.... Do as you deem to be necessary. - Posted from rhpmobile

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  RHP User

  11 years ago

  Quoting 'CuteNCurvy86' Sorry I have been on the other side of your relationship (pnd) and am a bit sensitive that you said "I was her lover and support, not her therapist". I understand that your situation would be different to mine, it's more the attitude I have a problem with. Sorry no advice. - Posted from rhpmobile I agree with OP actually, lovers should never try to fix someone's mental health problems as it will likely do more harm than good. If his ex did have all those listed disorders, she'd require professional help. I think the attitude of being a lover and support person is the exact attitude one needs to have in that situation. You often can't help someone because you lack the skills but it DOES help having supportive people around you to help you through your journey.

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  RHP User

  11 years ago

  If you loved doing the job and you miss it, go back to it. If not, leave it and go learn something else.

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  RHP User

  11 years ago

  Hey gothic, I live in a pretty vanilla world compared to yourself and your aspirations, but I wanted to feed back a little on what I read into your post here having been in a similar position myself. I too thought of myself as having an opportunity to show someone with deep hurts and scars that life can be different to what she has experienced from other people so far, and be a positive influence on her outlook and world view. Perhaps I was, but not in the way I had envisaged. The relationship triggered a lot of her old wounds and patterns of behaviour that were based in fighting for survival, and like yourself, I did not have the resources to be able to effectively manage the situations that arose, and the relationship descended into one of domestic violence that had me trying my best to simply tough it out as a demonstration of my commitment to her, and it affected me greatly. The 'love' I showed her by acceptance of her behaviour merely reinforced it, and as a result I spent years being the lightening rod for her emotionally and physically violent reactions to otherwise very normal and everyday situations. It took me a good year of man-caving to unravel mentally from the intense drama of it all. I can put it all into context and still really appreciate the courage of her to face her demons after having life deal her more pain and trauma than most people will ever come into contact with, and I still admire her and respect her for the strength and resilience she has cultivated in order to survive. She is an admirable person and has used her experiences to feel compassion for other people and stand tall with a strong sense of justice. Still, I have my own scars from my relationship with her and have had to deal with all the normal emotions of grief and loss of the relationship and marriage, anger and resentment over how I was treated, and how my good intentions went horribly awry and were used against me. There is also guilt on my part from my own behaviour, that once my limits were reached, I no longer had the objectivity needed to be supportive and became part of a pattern of the destructive dynamic between us. 18 months on, we have sorted out a lot of the problems between us and engage with mutual respect, and must admit, separating was the best thing to have done as the space created allowed us both to come out of our defensive positions and relate to each other as human beings again. Your post had me ask the question of myself, do I think like I have failed? The answer is somewhat yes, that I set myself pretty high goals thinking I could personally overcome all the bad that had happened to her before meeting me and there be a happy ending, but in reality, this is more than I was capable of, and I have consolation in knowing that I did my best, and that, as a human, I have limits that I could not overcome as well. Probably the most pertinent way this has affected me is that I do not want to enter into a relationship with emotional demands for some time yet, and I accept that I still care for physical intimacy and human connection, so here I am seeking someone who is in the same place in their life. Sorry if this is a ramble and many apologies for the lack of paragraphing (!) but hope that provides a bit of insight to help you wrap your head around your situation. Hang in there and give yourself plenty of space and time to give it all a sense of perspective. There is no harm in counselling, an objective ear can be quite helpful, but keep up an interactive level of involvement with your normal circles and friendships with people you care about to keep you sane and grounded as you are able to. They are invaluable. Good luck with it my friend.

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  RHP User

  11 years ago

  Don't throw out the baby with the bath water. You had all those experiences and learnt a lot. Appreciate them for what they were and enjoy the fact. You probably needed to have them. If you hadn't, you'd probably still be out there looking for it. So my advice is to be philosophical about it, give yourself time to heal and get back out there again. A bit scary but exciting too. I know it is easier said than done but at the end of the day you need to look after yourself.

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