F54
Sexless Marriage
September 26 2016
Comments
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RHP User
8 years ago
Hi Well I was in a very long marriage that suffered after my husband had an affair when my children were very young. I persuaded him to stay but it was never the same for me after that even though he recommitted to the marriage and never strayed again. It got to the point where I was desperately unhappy and no longer wanted him near me. I flinched when he touched me and did not want to have sex with him. So it became a rare thing and I always needed to take or drink something before I could bear for him to touch me. I left for my mental health - no third party involved. Sexless marriage... totally get that. What I do not care for is people in a marriage or monogamous relationship on this or any site saying they are in a sexless marriage and wanting discreet fun. I am not sympathetic at all. And sympathy is what they are after I have found. They think the way into a woman's knickers is 'poor me'. Believe me, I have more contacts from 'attached' guys than I care to mention. Sort out your relationship or leave it if you want to shag other people. The other person in your relationship has feelings and is likely the parent to your child/children. Talk to them. Hey - who knows they may say let's try something different and both can see other people. Wow wouldn't that be neat! Go to a counsellor. Go see a prostitute. I am neither. I am not getting involved. And I'm not falling for it either. I am a cynic and the old 'my wife doesn't understand me' bullshit has been going on for years. The sex after marriage has been amazing! My libido came back and I have had a lot of fun since and still do. I know my ex has a new squeeze and I'm happy for them both. I have my own life and I'm enjoying my new found freedom and experimentation. Sexless marriage happens. Deal with it as an adult and don't try to involve third parties in the mess..
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RHP User
8 years ago
What a horrible experience that must have been for you and there is not much that hurts more than being betrayed by someone you love in that way. I believe the OP's questions were why sexless marriages happen, why people stay in a sexless marriage and is it only the sex that the marriage is lacking. I don't believe this thread was meant to attract judgement and attacks on those who are in here without their partner's consent. I can completely understand your opinion on this and we're all entitled to an opinion, but my concern is that your long reply of judgement and attack has deterred others, particularly men, from replying. Not all situations are the same. Not all of them play the "poor me" card. To be completely honest, I don't know how it happens but most people, especially men, stay in the relationship for fear of losing everything they've worked for (house, car, a huge chunk of their earnings) and they also stay for the sake of their children. I was married previously for 15 years. 11 of those years were good. The last 4 weren't so good. I took so long to leave because I didn't want to hurt my children by splitting up our family. He lost interest in me sexually and I could have handled it if it were just that alone, but we argued every night for the last 4 years of our marriage. He wanted a wife that didn't have a social life at all, not even with her own family and when I became the wife that he stipulated I had to be, he still found fault with me when he came home each night. He broke my spirit but I've reconnected with it since leaving him.
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lily1970
8 years ago
Thank you Wicca Witch, this post is NOT about cheating spouses at all.....that's a whole other subject,and one I am not interested in. This is about why someone STAYS in a sexless marriage, or chooses to leave it, or how it eventuated.
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RHP User
8 years ago
And that is just the lucky ones... I have recently discovered a forum for people in sexless marriage, it's quite interesting.
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RHP User
8 years ago
When I read Lily1970's question it came across as a little naive. I'm not judging why people do what they do - I am just stating that in my experience the guys that say they are in a sexless marriage are more often than not playing that card to garner sympathy from women with good hearts and and trusting natures. I want women to be aware of that possibility. I know people in sexless marriages. They stay for all sorts of reasons. Security, children, illness, integrity, religion - a whole gamut of reasons. Some choose to remain abstinent and others are given 'permission' to find sex outside their marriage. Love can do both. I stayed for a long time in mine - as did my ex. We raised our children and when they were adults, I felt able to leave. In general, the profiles that mention sexless marriage or those that message me stating so, appear to be those here without their partner's knowledge and after 'discreet fun'. It is a situation I wish to avoid. I am looking for FWB's and do not need the complications of an attached man. I also feel empathy for a woman who does not know that her partner seeks sex outside their marriage. P.S. I forgave him many years ago, it was me I couldn't forgive. When I worked that out, it freed me and allowed us both to move on.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Hard to comment on a public forum about this kind of thing. I don't usually talk about my previous relationship, and won't much now, out of respect. But I will say the fault was with both of us, and the dynamic changed at different points in our marriage. For a long time, it was me not interested, I just didn't have the sex drive and didn't find myself turned on, then in later years, it was him, but I don't believe anyone wakes up one day and finds they are suddenly being hard done by. I think we all make our own bed, in the sense that we choose who we marry, and the reasons we choose back then, wouldn't cut it now, but that would no doubt be the case for both partners, and I honestly believe it comes as no surprise to most people. would we make different decisions again if transported back to our youth, probably not, we are at that point trying to find some solidarity in our lives, how are we to know what the future holds or how we will change along the way? Now because we've 'made our bed', do I think we should lie in it? Absolutely not. Live your life. You'll be dead one day and this will all be conversation, my 2 cents
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langton11
8 years ago
We have been going through a dry spell lately and tbh it's my fault. I'm working long hours, training very hard and have a lot of work pressure atm. By the time I get to bed I'm shattered and I get up ~5am to start work so I don't want to wake her up so as a result, we're probably only getting it on ~ once a week. This will sort itself out though and the wife has got an open hall pass so it's not like she HAS to go without. If the boot was on the other foot and I was getting nothing, it would depend on the reason, this has happened in the past and she had a good reason so I just toughed it out. If it was just a case of her not liking me I'd probably still stick it out for the kids so long as it was not an unhealthy atmosphere for them. If there weren't kids though, seeya later, I'd definitely walk
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langton11
8 years ago
as can be seen from my profile and history, I'm not here look for a side chick, I may have a play at some point WITH the wife, but I'm not one of the many dodgy guy's here. I have never had any issues when it comes to women so maybe I have too much confidence lol; in any case, I'm far from desperate so not on the hunt as it were.
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aussian43
8 years ago
In my case my partner has some medical problems. Because of them sex is not an option, and she has a very low libido so the lack doesn't really bother her. We have been together for 16 years now, not going to breakup just for that. We suit each other very well. When we first met we had sex all the time, but it tapered off over the years so that we last tried sex a few years back (didn't go well). I was resigned to jerking off to internet porn when an opportunity to hookup came up. So I asked the question of her and she said no. But thinking it through, she later said yes. She doesn't really mind that I have sex with others, but the fact she can't do it herself does annoy her at times. Her biggest issues is that I could pickup a disease, or get involved with a psycho.
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RHP User
8 years ago
All I had was my hope that it was just a phase...a rut, and that it'd work itself out... Despite my gut telling me constantly it was over. I'd lost myself in that relationship, and that relationship was all I had left.... 7 years ago it was all too much....my mental health suffered greatly, and my now ex wife did the best thing possible....kicked me out. - Posted from rhpmobile
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Mischeviouslad
8 years ago
Every story has two sides. For what its worth, I seek to be objective about both in supplying this answer. A combination of her prior abusive relationship, an unresolved childhood matter, her stress linked personality... and her self esteem which meant she was incapable of accepting professional support..... ..... and my working situation coupled with the fact that I didn't want to rock the boat and be the stereotypical guy who complained about her lack of intimacy. We were best friends, co habitating, sharing a life, she just couldn't make the next step. And yes, in many ways it was always like that... I chose to be patient and seek to work on it with her, for us.
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lily1970
8 years ago
Thank you all for your comments, I know its a difficult subject on a public forum.
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codsworth
8 years ago
Not all sexless marriages are the same they are not all caused by problems in the relationship mine is purely situational My wife is in a different state it started off as a medical issue, but now she is staying there and going back to UNI I am locked into my current situation, we upended our entire lives to move to the middle of nowhere and start a company its going well but not well enough for me to be able to walk away from it yet obviously this puts me in a terrible situation I want nothing more than to leave here and return to her but if i do that, the last 4 years of my life will be wasted and i will have nothing to show for it she is Bi, so our relationship has been free from chains from the get go we both have our consent and knowledge of what we are up to so i try to make the most of this shitty situation im in and continue on my personal journey
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RHP User
8 years ago
People evolve over time... a person at 25 is not the same at 45. Marriage as an institution works for some things but it is of a different time. I live in a sexless marriage.... how did we end up there... we share 90% of things and love sharing them.... but when it comes to sex... we went our separate way years ago... she, as she aged did not feel as desirable... and would not make an effort to add new sides to her spark (be it lingerie or just a change of behavior)... then guess what ... I looked elsewhere. She knows... and it is not easy... but we share everything else... the same ideas (mainly), the same love of food, wine and travel... the same kids... same dreams (mainly)... there are things I have always wanted to explore and have... that she simple considers as "dirty"... but that is why I like them... simply two different people. We have a 90% marriage and it is better than 90% of marriages... I would not change it... but have been tempted to do so along the way as you meet other people who offer the other 10%... but do they offer the other 90%?
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RHP User
8 years ago
For our situation it simply comes down to medication. My wife was diagnosed with a medical condition a number of years ago and unfortunately the medication has 100% killed any interest in sex and intimacy for her. Going off the meds is not an option. We've had sex maybe 5 times in the last few years. Last time was probably 18 months ago. I guess our relationship has changed. We have become more like best friends and house mates. It's not ideal and if there was anything I could do to change it I would. My wife is a very attractive 27 year old so who wouldn't want sex with her. I am a caring and loving husband, I've literally tried everything to fix it including giving her a hall pass to live out any fantasy or fetish she wants - with or without my involvement (on the possibility that living out a fantasy might get her libido back), but physiology is what it is. Sometimes life throws stuff at you that you just need to deal with. It's been a tough mental struggle to deal with it, especially for someone like me with a high sex drive, but I have accepted it and reconciled myself with the situation as best as I can. The rest of my life has been very fortunate, I have a high paid job that I love, amazing house, nice German sports car (which provides me with visceral enjoyment of a kind), good health and a great family, so I guess you need to be grateful for the good things and make the best of the rest that you can't control. That's how I found myself on RHP. I do get the occasional judgemental RHP message (when someone actually does reply to a message...). I don't necessarily blame them, I don't expect anyone to understand unless they've been in the same situation. But it does kind of rub salt in the wound a bit... but in saying that I totally respect someone's wishes to not get involved with a married/attached person and I never intentionally contact people who state this in their profile. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
An earlier comment said that we should just "go see a prostitute" as if that would solve the problem... Maybe we're not that shallow. Maybe part of the enjoyment we get from sex is the connection and that fact that our partner actually WANTS to be doing it with us and is getting enjoyment out of it (hint: this is the part we are missing out on the most). I've tried seeing a prostitute. It didn't work. It was like seeing a chiropractor. My "bone" was tended to, I left $200 lighter feeling manipulated, but 5 minutes later I felt no better than before I went. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Quoting 'Gabehcuod' An earlier comment said that we should just "go see a prostitute" as if that would solve the problem... Maybe we're not that shallow. Maybe part of the enjoyment we get from sex is the connection and that fact that our partner actually WANTS to be doing it with us and is getting enjoyment out of it (hint: this is the part we are missing out on the most). I've tried seeing a prostitute. It didn't work. It was like seeing a chiropractor. My "bone" was tended to, I left $200 lighter feeling manipulated, but 5 minutes later I felt no better than before I went. - Posted from rhpmobile well said, all of what you said goes someway to explaining to people how lonely it can be, and that judgements shouldn't be formed. It can be like pure bloody torture for people with a high sex drive. I'm like that, nerves are alive/awake whatever, but I'm pretty much fully aroused now all the time. Waking up in the morning and needing to be touched, gaggin for it, and not getting that, it's tough, it killed me, I couldnt' stand it, and yet I'd done the same to him before, but my body wasn't the same then. The thing is that people without a sex drive, don't care, because they don't see the problem, it's us who see the problem if that makes sense. And the medical profession couldn't give a toss. Here's a tip for anyone with that imbalance problem, find a female doctor, a hot chick who looks like she might actually have sex, and who might be interested, unlike the dismissive fool who we saw. Said he'd rather read a good book at night after a hard day at work so couldn't see the problem well good for him, I stood up, swore at him, walked out slammed the door, sorry before I walked out I said thanks for nothing, our marriage will fail. and it did. Seriously, if people want to stay and stick it out, I respect that, but ask yourself the question, what are you waiting for, will it ever change and how many years will you lose waiting for something you may very well never get. Don't you deserve to be happy and have a sex life? yes of course you do, which is why I don't judge married people on here. Good for you, have fun is all I can say, it's a human basic need for some of us just like food and water
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