M62
Sexless relationships.
October 09 2019
Comments
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RHP User
5 years ago
I think after several years in sexless relationship forums, it all comes down to how the two parties communicate. I have been fortunate enough to be able to get to the point where I am on here with my cyber ego boosting and hopefully very soon more. However it’s a choice as the affected partner of someone who does not want the amount of sex I do, to talk to my partner first, see if we can work on it together. There is then the possible outcome of change or no change. Most of that is up to the other partner. However for myself, if I was unhappy with my sex life, willing to communicate and my partner was not that’s the point I would have to make a choice. Stay and conform to the new normal, or leave. I personally don’t condone cheating at all. I worked through our problems for 3 years and earned the permission to be here on RHP, I ask nothing more from anyone than what I myself have done. We all make choices, we can only control our behaviour so at the end of the day our beds sexless or not are of our own choosing. :) Thanks for coming to my aged talk. Hahaha
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RHP User
5 years ago
Argh dang auto correct I meant TED talk not aged talk. I’m on mobile and it’s besting me.
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DynamicCouple36
5 years ago
Keep things exciting We think back to when we first started dating . The thrill of it all being new and exciting. After 23 years of marriage we keep things exciting by going out on date nights every week, and weekends away at least once a month. Swinging can further add to the excitement, as long as everyone involved is on the same page and aware of the boundaries & ground rules. We look at new things to try , new fantasies to fulfill as a way to keep things exciting and our imaginations and love for one another fresh and active. It does take effort but well worth it.
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RHP User
5 years ago
From my view...it’s not the opening of the relationship it’s a lacking of integrity and loyalty if the partner doesn’t consent to opening of the relationship.... It has nothing to do with how much woe is me bullshit that seems to be thrown about to justify it.... If one party can’t bring themselves to open the relationship consensually then the other that desires it to open has then a question to ask themselves....”how important is the sex to me??” If it’s THAT important to that party that they can’t respect their partners position to NOT open the relationship...then you have a decision to make...”are you willing to continue with the relationship on its present course??” I know that sounds rather unforgiving, but so is the cost of acting out of petulance because life didn’t go the way it was planned... Mr Dragon..
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Sawadee
5 years ago
Wether we like it or not , most of us are sexual beings and if thats taken away somethings gotta give. You just cant turn your sexuality on and off like a light switch. I dont condone cheating , but what i question is where does it leave the individual who still has them natural urges . Do we tell them its just bad luck ? or ideally that they reckognise each other's position and try to work out a suitable outcome ? I think most couples will push on and just put up with it. No easy answer...
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RHP User
5 years ago
I think the withdrawal of sex is emotional and mental abuse. It inflicts the deepest wounds without a bruise.
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RHP User
5 years ago
Mostly I’ve been sitting back and letting Mr Dragon do the talking because I agree with what he’s saying entirely but I just had to chime in about that abuse comment... How on earth is telling someone they can’t put their dick in you or vice versa “physical and emotional abuse”. What an absolutely ridiculous notion!! Trying to force someone to fuck your through emotional or physical persuasion is abuse SAYING NO IS NOT!!! Holy shit that made my blood boil. Ms Phoenix.
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RHP User
5 years ago
Sawadee... The reality for me remains that no matter the outcome of the conversation that’s had, you either accept it or move on.... What makes our orgasms more important than the feelings of our partners??? That’s a two way street by the way....it matters not if the male suffers from a low enough to no longer desire it and it’s the female that wishes to open the relationship and the male is not okay with it.... Love and relationships in my mind, are entirely centred around compromise and picking up the slack when the chips are down for the people we’ve chosen to be with... Don’t get me wrong though, I’ve been a third wheel in an open relationship and for that couple it was entirely a consensual arrangement....but it doesn’t give anyone the right in my mind, to go about disrespecting our partners wishes just for the sake of our own self gratification..... I wish that people would just ask themselves “what if it were I that didn’t want to open the relationship and my partner chose to do it anyway?? “
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RHP User
5 years ago
Mr dragon to sawadee by the way seeing Ms Phoenix has chimed in...
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SSExplorer
5 years ago
I have to chuckle at the absurdity of this issue in a place like this. It’s a site primarily aimed at noncommittal sex between singles and couples, married couples no less. So it’s pretty much a bucket full of sin around here but then we will judge someone else’s sin as worse than our own 😂 Anyone in here who has married under nearly any church has promised not to even entertIn the though of sex with anyone other than their spouse, with or without their consent. Now we all know those rules were made to be broken so why is it so hard to stretch to say that someone who isn’t getting it at home and doesn’t want to break the home might get it elsewhere. Maybe they know their spouse well enough to know they wouldn’t be up for an open marriage so they are better to be discrete. The only issues I have are 1/ possible sti transmission which would be so horribly unfair 2/ I would prefer not to be a part of it as if it did get out then I don’t want to be involved in the fallout. In my earlier years in the scene I did indulge in a number of encounters with people with lacklustre married sex lives...they were all rather attractive married women ...so it’s not just men that have needs!
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OkeyDoke45
5 years ago
I was once in a sexless relationship and was always loyal. I was tempted one night though; if the work colleague I was out with had expressed any desire at all to take me home, I don't know that I would be able to help myself. To me, sex is part of a healthy relationship. You want to make love/have sex/whatever to your partner. The relationship I was in wasn't healthy, and the lack of sex was just one symptom. People in very long-term relationships who lose the sexual spark? They could still be in love with each other but one or both may no longer be interested in sex. They may also no longer be in love with each other, but are just staying together because some people can't be alone. I don't know which of the above best fits your circumstances Sawadee. From forums on other sites I have visited over the years, plenty of blokes in sexless marriages who have grudging but tacit approval to play elsewhere by their partners. One commenter I remember, he said that his wife was happy so long as he was not bothering her for sex. The question does beg to be asked how much you have discussed this with your partner Sawadee.
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RHP User
5 years ago
I didn’t say physical and mental abuse. I said mental and emotional abuse. If your going to quote, at least be accurate. And neither did I say the response should be to use force, physical or emotional. Most people in this situation ask the questions, maybe they even seek professional help, but many just give up and suffer in silence, they stay in the relationship, through love, loyalty, and perhaps a sense of honour and duty, or “for the kids”. I’ve lived it, I know the pain. I’ve seen my friends and relatives do it, male and female. When couples split it’s often on the grounds of “happy parents = happy children” and that is what I clung to, but I’m not so sure now, my daughter is thriving but my son not so much. So no Mrs Phoenix, I’m not a rapist or a bully and your pious indifference doesn’t bother me. I’ve had far worse. R
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RHP User
5 years ago
Usebi, it’s Ms Phoenix, not Mrs. If you’re going to use my name at least be accurate. I apologise for misquoting you (though I don’t know why you’d even use 2 different words that have the same meaning) but it doesn’t change the sentiment of what I said, losing ones sex drive DOES NOT equate to being abusive towards someone else! A mindset like that is dangerous as far as I’m concerned, it’s not all that far from thinking you have a right to take sex from someone else because if they say no they’re being abusive towards you. Utterly disgusting in my opinion, you should be ashamed for even typing such nonsense! MS Phoenix.
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RHP User
5 years ago
Ms Phoenix, I said the withdrawal of sex, a deliberate act. Not the losing of the libido, different thing entirely.And again, I did not suggest at any point or any circumstance that sex should be "taken" or there was a right to do so.So don't put words in my mouth, that is nothing short of malicious.And get a dictionary.
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RHP User
5 years ago
Usebi... Doesn’t the loss of libido result in the withdrawal of sex ?? Mr Dragon
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RHP User
5 years ago
Lol, I didn’t put words in your mouth, I said “as I’m concerned, it’s not all that far from thinking...”. That is by no means putting words in your mouth, quit trying to play the victim, I’m not being malicious at all, I don’t intend to cause harm with my words. I’m simply pointing out how harmful an attitude such as yours can be. Now I’m done because it’s become futile.. Ms Phoenix.
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Sawadee
5 years ago
Looks like I hit a nerve with you guys. No where did I say the alternative to sexless marriage is abusive , force or anything else you alluded to . If you care to read back ' you will see i posed the question only after reading a recent post where the guy mentioned this ? Not everyone will have the same opinion with this topic and I did not prempt the emotions it's caused .. Best we stay on topic and try and discuss the possibilities that might help someone facing this issue , ripping into someone because they have a different opinion to yours is just plain wrong.
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Sawadee
5 years ago
Why presume me and Mrs Sawadee have a issue ? Truth is you couldnt be further from the truth. Our relationship ( not that its anybodys business but our own ) is as solid as its always been . The reason its like that is that is we're both realistic when it comes to a long term relationship ? We know it's never going to be the same as when we first met, and like to think we're open to the possibilities should they come along ? Closing our mind is not a option..
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RHP User
5 years ago
This is all I said, Personally Then you went into attack mode. The attitude is entirely your concoction. But your right, this is futile.I think the withdrawal of sex is emotional and mental abuse. It inflicts the deepest wounds without a bruise.
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RHP User
5 years ago
nice formatting. clear as mud, too bad, I'm done.
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OkeyDoke45
5 years ago
Quoting 'Sawadee' Why presume me and Mrs Sawadee have a issue ? Truth is you couldnt be further from the truth. Our relationship ( not that its anybodys business but our own ) is as solid as its always been . The reason its like that is that is we're both realistic when it comes to a long term relationship ? We know it's never going to be the same as when we first met, and like to think we're open to the possibilities should they come along ? Closing our mind is not a option.. Sorry Sawadee, I got you and usebi mixed up. I'm glad you have a good relationship. I'll redirect my comments to those that are in sexless relationships.
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RHP User
5 years ago
Sawadee... I don’t think we’ve alluded to anything to that you’ve suggested at all... Ms_Phoenix has had that interaction with usebi for sure, but none of that conversation I thought was directed toward anything you’ve said.... However I am entirely interested in your viewpoints with regard to what I believe is the issue at the centre of the swinging lifestyle, which is consent.. I think we’d both agree that all parties that wish to engage in non committal sex should obtain consent in order to engage in sex...because obviously without consent there’s rape.... But surely consent from a partner to open the relationship should be held in the same light as consent from a potential casual sex partner as above? Or should consent be considered to malleable? Mr Dragon
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Tourist60
5 years ago
If I were to become blind ... I would not expect my partner to walk around with her eyes shut. I can't see why sex should be any different.
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Sawadee
5 years ago
Good point . It's the type of senario that still gravels in the back of my mind ? I keep thinking is it fair if one of you decides to call time on your intimacy , should the other automatically follow suit ? The jurys still out on this one.. l guess this will test your resolve and how thoughtful you are of each other. If your relationship is strong and your able to discuss these things' a compromise may not be out of the question ? or is it ?
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RHP User
5 years ago
Oh wow. So if your parntner gets cancer and can’t perform you’re just gonna be like “oh well, I don’t have cancer, I’m going elsewhere”? Where’s the respect for your partner? The bottom line is if they don’t want to open up the relationship and that’s a dealbreaker for you then you should leave. Not cheat. If sex means more to you than your relationship you probably should just get out. I understand that it’s not at all an easy decision to make but it’s better than being a lying sack of crap. Ms Phoenix.
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RHP User
5 years ago
Sawadee that last paragraph of yours is absolutely spot on. In a perfect world compromise would allow everybody to achieve some form of balance, but if that can’t be reached do we condone cheating? I personally don’t.. Ms Phoenix.
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RHP User
5 years ago
I could write a thesis, or say nothing. 🙄🤔
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wildcrazyloving
5 years ago
90% of my customers are married. It used to play on my conscience. After a long term relationship and maturing, i have come to understand. Some people's sexual desire can change after it has completed it's purpose. Things such as menopause, illness, medications, trauma, stress/mental health can influence libido. People change and things you desire can change.. While want and desire can still remain strong for others. This is all completely normal. I know an interactive sex life for me, promotes positive physical and mental health. The idea of wanting to be intimate with a partner who no longer desires sex, would be very difficult. I could not imagine life without the joy of shared orgasm. Should we feel like we have to comprimise love to feel this again? Personally, i would not wish to see someone whom is married, in my personal life.. This is because I like to build emotional connection. Talk with your partner about the intimacy issues. Start with empathising with your partners situation, before communicating your own. Ask "what are we going to do?". Consider asking how they feel about you visiting an adult industry worker for 'a service'. Professional sexual service are conducted safely and does not comprise the emotional aspect of the marriage. Partners don't owe sex, the issue really is about our culturally, unrealistic relationship expectations.
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cat_n_the_hatter
5 years ago
Intimacy might fade, the connection might loosen or sex just doesn’t happen any more. Life stress have a way of putting out the fire, but problems come about when it stays out for too long. The paradox of desire lies in our need for security and predictability on one side and need for adventure and surprise on the other. It’s how we feel the edges of ourselves. The fading of desire happens slowly. Above all else, it comes with the assumption of responsibility for the needs of our partner over our own. It fades away when we disconnect from ourselves and become selfless. The clue is in the word – ‘self-less’ – as in the lack of self. It’s impossible to switch on desire if we’re not there to switch it on. Desire then, isn’t about what our partner does, but about what we do and the connection we have with ourselves. We show up completely. Its secret is in staying connected with the part of ourselves that’s powerful, passionate and selfish, while also being able to be generous, responsible and respectable. Sex is not what we do but where we go. We can get back desire within our relationships by entering a space where we can fantasise. You need to learn how to awaken the selfishness in your partner as you will not find many here or anywhere who won't mind being an accomplice at causing your wife's pain. (Ms)
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SSExplorer
5 years ago
Oh yes WCL and C&H have learned a thing or two 👍🙏🏼
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Sawadee
5 years ago
Wow ' what great insight . I think you nailed it. Cat-n-the-hatter: another great post on such a delicate subject.. I'm glad you guys weighed in with such positive opinions...
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DonnaBrett
5 years ago
If one partner is no longer interested in sex they have no right to demand or expect the same of the other person. If the uninterested party isn't ok with the interested party finding sex elsewhere then cut them loose.
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FunCityGuy
5 years ago
Great TED talk :) With the caveat there is no guarantee communication will actually resolve anything, I feel for anyone in the OP's position (and the OP's partner's position) because there must be a lot going on for people if cheating or a life without intimacy seems an easier option than discussing how you both feel about things first.... Even just walking out without saying a word seems like it would be healthier and less harmful in the longer run. Quoting 'ConstantCravings' I think after several years in sexless relationship forums, it all comes down to how the two parties communicate. I have been fortunate enough to be able to get to the point where I am on here with my cyber ego boosting and hopefully very soon more. However it’s a choice as the affected partner of someone who does not want the amount of sex I do, to talk to my partner first, see if we can work on it together. There is then the possible outcome of change or no change. Most of that is up to the other partner. However for myself, if I was unhappy with my sex life, willing to communicate and my partner was not that’s the point I would have to make a choice. Stay and conform to the new normal, or leave. I personally don’t condone cheating at all. I worked through our problems for 3 years and earned the permission to be here on RHP, I ask nothing more from anyone than what I myself have done. We all make choices, we can only control our behaviour so at the end of the day our beds sexless or not are of our own choosing. :) Thanks for coming to my aged talk. Hahaha
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Plain
5 years ago
I remember this topic being discussed many years ago on RHP and progress nil.Sexless relationship, marriage etc occur not through any lack of desire of one party or the other. In a lot of instances it is the pressure of living the life the dreaded treadmill of life. Life becomes an existence and somethings fall by the way. Some times it is sex or another intimate activity. The thing is in a lot of these relationships the love and respect are stronger for this. Now the hard part at no stage in most peoples lives that the possibility of sex being voluntarily or otherwise being neglected given up have ever been considered. Therefore the coping mechanism is virtually nonexistent, the couples that have addressed the issues either rediscovering what intimacy means to them or both parties allowing the partner who wants sex be allowed to play within certain boundaries are the 2 main choices, but are NEVER DISCUSSED.Its the 21st century yet we still apply 19th Century morals to this subject. Funny thing is Swinging although thought of as a 20th Century thing was actually practiced by the Vikings so its been part of Nordic custom before religion became involved.Cheating is a religious judgement not a moral judgement, think about it
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sweetpussy4u
5 years ago
It’s a question of your own morals really. Now we generally will not play with attached people unless there partner is aware of it. Now to some that seems strange but to us it’s just our personal moral perspective. When we play at somewhere like an adult theatre or such then we do ignore our own rule but that is unplanned and the players are complete strangers so we leave them to there own moral compass. Remember ones morals can not be pushed upon another.
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just4fun48
5 years ago
My partners and myself have both come from sexless relationships, we also comment how crazy our sex life is and doesn’t seem to be slowing down. We talk about everything and no secrets, things that would had made me jeolous with previous partners turn me on with her (like dirty chats or sending nude pics), it’s all about honesty and feeling secure in the relationship. we work through everything together and talk about all, if one doesn’t like something then we work out a solution that we both agree on. his is how we are getting through swinging , we go hard for short spurts and then have a break and have our time. we know we will be together for a long time but we are remembering to have our fun In the process.
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RHP User
5 years ago
My issue isn’t “she won’t let me stick my dick in her” 😳 But. After 3 years of a sexless marriage is no she doesn’t want to do it with you ( for that me with her either) but the uproar if you have the hide to look elsewhere and a lowlife that you are for playing up! I am out of this relationship and only stayed as there were kids involved but now old enough plus I didn’t want some one else to step in and be there Dad but that was the mind game my ex played I handled it and now I can move on
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RHP User
5 years ago
There’s a big difference between getting sex elsewhere with the consent of the “sexless” partner and cheating, nice to see where people’s morals lie though when you see who tries to justify cheating and who prefers to be honest and try and find a way to work things out with their partner. The easier option is always going to be to try and jutmstify cheating, my point is it’s a shit thing to do to your partner, but hey if you can justify it in your own mind who really cares what other people think, right? There’s definitely some great insight into people on this post... Ms Phoenix.
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RHP User
5 years ago
If you’re referring to me there was no resolution, evevry time we spoke it was. An argument in the end I just don’t know how you can resolve that I just don’t have an answer for you
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