M49
Should I even be on RHP?
August 22 2013
Comments
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RHP User
11 years ago
BAS. Only you can answer if you should be on this site. If you are lacking in confidence, this place may not be ideal as the choices for women far out way the choices for men, however, if you are it as a bit of light hearted fun and do not have too many high expectations of "sex on a stick", then I think you may enjoy yourself. Have you ever tried speed dating? It's quite fun and minimal expectations and you are actually getting to meet the people face to face.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Thanks for wading through my epic wall of words. :)> "this place may not be ideal as the choices for women far out way the choices for men"Honestly, are there any dating sites, or indeed any place at all where you meet people, where this is not the case?> "Have you ever tried speed dating? It's quite fun and minimal expectations and you are actually getting to meet the people face to face."No I haven't, and thanks for the hint. I will have a look.Cheers
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foreign_lover
11 years ago
BAS, your situation sounds very recognizable, although i do admit i wasn't in that deep.RHP promises nothing, but it does open the door a fraction for you to change yourself. Let's be honest, the website pure in itself is not going to get you anywhere fast. What i recommend, and i realize this is a huge emotional step, is to go to a swingers event.You'll be super nervous you will see couples performing intercourse at a few meters off and it will be extremely awkward and "in your face". But at these places you will eventually have the most open conversations ever. I have learned so much and met some people i have discussed sex, eroticism and everything concerned with, a thing i wouldn't even have brought up with my closest (vanilla) friend.Now, only a few months later, my confidence has improved so much, i have made several real friends. I feel like i am more "me" than ever before.So, i hope this helps you as much as it did to meAlex
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RHP User
11 years ago
My first sex after leaving my marriage was a 1 nite stand (at my request) & wasnt great but got me started... & then found someone who 4 the 1st time in my life encouraged me 2 b truly honest 2 myself sexually & emotionally... Now more confident then ever! B patient, yr turn will come... & up to about rhp but wade thru the options & message people maybe.. Good luck, kat- Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
Hi! Body Art/Science.. My you have been through the ringer haven't you .. You certainly do have Low self esteem issues more. . You're at a Major crossroad in your Life and if you don't make the necessary changes you need to overcome these issues and move forward in a more Positive happy Life.. I am able to help you with this but 1st you need to be able to make Contact with me in a MSG .I noticed you're a Guest well that's not going to get you anywhere 98% of Females On Online sites including myself are also guests. So if you wish to make Contact where you get to Interact and not suffer eye twitching ,from over exertion of winking, then you need to get a Membership where you Purchase the MSGs only is good 20msgs per day for around $13 you pay for 3mths worth upfront I think, check it out anyway... Then Women can reply to your contact.. Hun right now it doesn't matter if you're seeking Online or in Person .Your chances of success for something that's positive equal sharing is slim. Until you get your approach to yourself your Life balanced.. Cheers Lu :)
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RHP User
11 years ago
To hear what you went through for so long - hopefully you are able to heal, learn and move on. I don't really have much advice about Rhp, but there is a website called meetup. They organize meet ups for everything - social groups, hobbies, lifestyles.... We have attended a couple of the poly ones here in Perth - but there are literally hundreds of different groups (dog walking, riding, wine tasting, survivors of abuse....even kite flying!! ! Y ou can just rock up to. Best of luck!! Mrs B- Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
If you have reached a stage where you are good mentally than rhp will not do you any harm. However it sounds like you are still bitter about the past relationship and still suffering as a result. Rhp is not the site for a single male trying to improve their self esteem. You'd have better luck in the real world if this is one of your main objectives.
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Mischeviouslad
11 years ago
BODYART......I can offer you some advice, but Im not going to do it in the open forums.I have my reasons.But Im happy to share some words via a private message, if youre determined to get this aspect of your life sorted.Its no quick fix, but with small victories, come small rewards, and each reward is like a brick with which you build the foundations of your confidence.Your first brick, is to believe you deserve better.DG
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RHP User
11 years ago
you were honest and up front and you seem like a nice guy and there are lots of guys and women who are on here and just like you. except they stay in the shadows. baby you are so going to get laid on rhp LadyT fortune teller
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RHP User
11 years ago
BomChickaWahWah: Thank you for reading and for your kind words. I just went onto meetup and joined a local "30ish Social Group". Thanks for the tip! Mischeviouslad: Thanks for reading and giving advice. I have come a long way from blaming everything on myself for not being good enough, but you are right, I do still struggle with giving myself permission to feel I am worthy of better things.I'd really like to take you up on your offer of private messaging but I haven't made the decision to go with a paid membership on RHP yet. I did that on another dating site which turned out to be full of scammers and fake Admin accounts that lead you on and make you spend credits, so I'm a little less quick to pull out the credit card now. But if/when I do I will be sure to message you right away.Cheers
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RHP User
11 years ago
Hey BAS Went through something a little bit similar for six years and understand where you are at. After we separated I saw someone very quickly after for several months, and he worked out I wasn't ready far earlier than I did. I was a bit of a mess and it was not going to work while I was in that headspace. After it ended I decided to stay single for over a year, and become the kind of person I would respect and love - before I expected anyone else to. Whether RHP is right for you I can't say - for me it was the near the end of the journey of what I needed to do. Best advice I can give you is to find out who you are - without anyone else. When you accept it is not your job to make anyone else happy, what do you love to do? Once you work that out, you may find a whole new life and friends come naturally. To meet people, meetup.com is great for different groups. The other thing I found brilliant was ballroom and salsa dancing lessons - you will meet a lot of different women, it is acceptable and encouraged to ask anyone to dance (and women pretty much always outnumber the men so will love it), and the music is quite often like going to a club. Lots of people go as singles - and is brilliant for building the confidence back up. Best of luck, be gentle on yourself - and patient - the road ahead is steep but when you conquer your demons it is an incredible feeling.
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RHP User
11 years ago
its good to hear about a male and abuse....we only hear so much how women have suffered abuse.I say to, It will be a steep road ahead of you, however you made a start and thats fantastic in it self. RHP is not 100% foolproof, but it is a direction to more self esteem on a sexual scale......for me it was.I just believe, stay on, improve your profile after a while, because you will change after a couple of beautiful sexual encounters, and just enjoy. Enjoy each person you meet in a way he/ she deserves.....open your heart and see the positive.yes not all will give you the all mind blowing sex but most people are beautiful. You will learn how to dodged the idiots and recognize the genuine people. Happy sexing what ever this means for you.L
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RHP User
11 years ago
So sorry, no one deserves that sort of treatment!!! Best of luck!! Just step up, be Brave - you will find your niche. I probably don't belong here either!! Lol. But I must say - I'm learning a lot and am loving the experience!!! Wish you Well Gypsy💋- Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
Welcome to RHP land! A few glasses of wine and a chat on a couch sounds like a fantastic evening to me! I'm sure others would feel the same. Keep an eye out in the 'Events' section for RHP meet and greet drinks nights. They are no pressure all fun nights to meet a bunch of people who quite often, are very much like yourself. There's one in Sydney coming up. You might enjoy it.
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RHP User
11 years ago
....with the me of four years ago. For what it's worth, hang tough, it gets better.
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RHP User
11 years ago
It gets better but it's not a lightning fast process. Sometimes you need to hurt until its time not to hurt anymore. How long that will be is about the same length as a piece of string. But it does get better :)
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RHP User
11 years ago
I'm so sorry that you were manipulated for such a long time. I'm glad you've moved to a new place and starting a new life, you'll get there bit by bit. Just be wary not to let another 'controller' get their claws into you. Keep chipping away online and in real life and you'll find yourself and your feet eventually. You sound like a lovely guy, you can communicate in sentences so that's a plus for you already! Even if you don't meet anyone from RHP, the community in these forums are great. So I say stick around for a while. Good Luck x
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Plain
11 years ago
That is your mantra on RHP, yes some of the subjects are heavy, the good thing about being on here is the amount of information that is available from all walks of life. Being honest and upfront is also a good start. But the real thing is dont give up, you have to be positive, there are all sorts of sites with all sorts of ladies, night clubs can be the worst thing for socialising alone if you are not confident as it usually drives guys to despair and reach for the booze or drugs to get around the fear, nervousness and inability to get the ladies.The odds will always be stacked against us, for this reason that there are many more males that have treated their women badly and this is the reason why Australian women in particular can be tough and demanding in what they want in the future. Like you they dont want a repeat experience. Good Luck BAS and all the best.
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RHP User
11 years ago
OP you are well on your way. Being able to articulate your situation and feelings so honestly and well indicates that you know yourself. Opening yourself up on this forum shows that you are comfortable in your own skin and have confidence to build on.
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Coops27M
11 years ago
I have struggled with overcoming self confidence in the past and pulled myself through by the scruff of the neck. With the help and support of good friends. It seems like you know you should have more confidence in yourself and have bared all seeking help so your truly set on the right path! I was going to suggest you find someone willing to be a 'confidence coach' if you will but reading this you have had two very good offers for 1 on 1 assistance. Both from madamdragonfly and mischeviouslad. My advice take their offer! Both have far greater experience and wisdom than you or i and they don't just offer such an oppurtunity willy nilly! MadamDragonfly is 100% correct in that you need to first find you self worth as that is the real underlying issue! Otherwise your on the right track mate, keep the positive life changing track, be proactive and challenge yourself. Dive into the deep end if you have the oppurtunity and grow as a person! The only person holding you back is you :). I personally did this myself lastnight and i took a step forward, life's too short mate and as you know too much time has been wasted! Good luck mate. The rewards far outweigh the initial discomfort! And your life starts.......NOW! :) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
lots of great advice here.I encourage you to contribute to the forums ...but don't take it all too seriously There are lots of people here who have had damaging experiences in the past and sometimes it is hard to get past all the hurt and pain, but we do. Recently a good friend of mine gave me a piece of advice ,you need to be open to the possibility of love,of allowing yourself to love and be loved. I am not talking about a fulltime relationship and commitment but to spend time with people who are loving.....I took her advice....
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RHP User
11 years ago
You are all a really nice bunch of people. I have spent a little time reading around on the forums and it was only after seeing how the general tone here is so honest, compassionate and thoughtful that I decided to post my story.Moderation processing is a little odd around here though, replies keep popping up out of order. Each time I come back I have to re-read the whole thread to make sure someone hasn't suddenly popped up in the middle.foreign_lover: Hmmm... swingers parties... intriguing, and scary... It does sound like it would be an amazing experience, but also very scared of embarrasing myself. Thanks for the suggestion though, food for thought.73kat: Thanks for your story, and encouragement. I am trying to resolve myself to the fact that my first time will probably be awkward and embarrassing and that that's OK.MadameDragonfly: Thank you for your compassion, advice and your offer for help. It means a lot to me that people can read my story and see straight away that I've been through a lot. It seems hard to get that through to family and friends some times.slickz: I woudln't say I am bitter towards others, either women in general or even my ex specifically. I know this will be hard to believe, but I still really care about her.One of the hardest things about leaving, was that I know her behavior was not malicious. She didn't get up in the morning and think "God my husband is such an arsehole, how can I ruin his life", but she was just so caught up in her own problems all the time (that's the neurotic anxiety thing) and her own family environment growing up was emotionally manipulative (and still is) so that's the toolbox she was given in life.She also seems to have a pretty poor insight into her own behavior and how it affects me. (also something I see in her other family members) All of this added up to the fact that she was totally destroying me from the inside out and my love for her rendered me completely powerless. I poured everything I had into trying to prop her up and build her up to the point where she could rise above all that and feel OK in herself so that it could then eventually be my turn to be the one who needs some help and support. But it was just a bottomless pit of misery and eventually I succumbed to a sort of "carers fatigue". We've had marriage councilling and aired all of these issues several years ago and it just didn't get better.But even though she didn't mean it, doesn't mean it wasn't destroying me, and despite all the promises of love forever, and "for better or worse", and all the advice that marriage is hard and you have to work at it, and despite how it will affect our children (yes, we have 2), there has to come a point where I have to say stop and make a stand over the fact that my happiness is actually not optional.Lady_Tuscan: Thanks for your encouragement, I hope you are right. BeenGoodTooLong: Thanks for sharing your experience. I do wonder if I'd be better off learning how to be alone and be OK with that. I've already lived with such a crummy sex life for so long though that I don't know what would be worse, having awkward embarrassing sex, or no sex at all...Litonya: Thank you for your encourgement. I am getting the picture that it's going to be a long road up from here.gypsysblue292: Thanks for saying I deserve better, I know it's just words on a screen but it really does help. paintme: Thanks for the heads up! I do have that weekend off, though Sydney is a bit of a journey, I'll see what I can do.justforfunisall: Thanks for the encouragement. It's good to hear from people who been there and risen above it.MissKay: Thanks for your understanding. I am very wary of being drawn in again. I am also wary that it is partly my fault for being too much of a pleaser. I have realised much too late in life that a certain amount of selfishness is actually really important to keeping a relationship balanced.ShakaG009: Thanks for the advice. I don't think I'll be going to clubs with any intention to meet people anymore. Though I do like to dance.IndefatigableMe: Yeah I have come a long way since a few years ago. Honestly I am SO much more positive now than I used to be.I have been seeing a personal councilor for nearly 4 years now. She is awesome and has single-handedly given me my life back. I am in very good hands there, but I just don't get to see her often enough, especially now that I have moved away. I do still travel back to Sydney to see her every few months but it's difficult with work and uni and all.Coops27M: Thanks for sharing your experience. As I was just saying I've already come a long way, but the journey isn't over yet. Freya77: Thanks for your kind words. These forums do seem like a bit of a special place to hang around, and I will do that. Probably one of the top things my councilor has worked on with me is helping me to give myself permission to change the way I see things. It's a profound experience when you think your stuck in a situation and then someone comes along and shows you that the walls are only in your mind.Cheers all,Thanks for making me feel good today
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RHP User
11 years ago
the reason why posts pop up out of order is that some posters who have been here for awhile have instant posting...like me...others don't and have to wait for RHP approval.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Hey! you sound like a great guy and just coming into yourself after a bit of a hard time of it. It sounds like things are on the up for you but one thing you have to find is the mojo! By that I mean the self belief that other people will like you and be interested in you, in all sense of the word - professionally, socially, sexually. Yes it takes confidence to have self belief, but I have found a great way to start is positive reinforcement ("I will go out tonight and have a great time"), don't let the fear of the unknown overwhelm you. And the thing is, practice makes perfect! The more you practice being in social situations, the more comfortable it feels. Also the aim of going out to meet women is maybe misguided at this stage. If you go out to have a good time, the meeting people will tend too happen naturally rather than being the end game. That also means that you don't have the pressureon yourself to "meet someone". I suggest practice by smiling and making eye contact with girls in coffee shops/restaraunts (ie. as you are going about your thing, not being creepy or going out of your way to make it obvious), chat to people in line (it doesn't matter who or where), join the social group you have suggested. Those kind of things all help to make you feel more comfortable and likeable. Cheers, Jay
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RHP User
11 years ago
You seem awesome and gunine I hope your thread catches the attention it deserves and you indeed find out how you are in bed objectively from a number of sources ;)
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RHP User
11 years ago
Thank you Hun for your feed back . I wish you well On your journey of Discovering yourself .Embrace it learn positive lessons and you will grow from the experience and become a more Pos. Happy fulfilled Individual.. Ciao Lu :)x
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RHP User
11 years ago
Even your feed back is intuitive. Yes, it is your time to be selfish. Do so without guilt. I feel you have already come a long way in your self repair. You'll attain giddy heights before you notice xxx
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RHP User
11 years ago
Take a chance and go to meet & greet. I was in a very similar situation for 18 yrs, and now it's two years after that and I'm just coming out of my shell. Don't rush it, but don't sweat over it either. I was lurking here for ages, but decided to try the Brisbane Meet & Greet. It was a dark bar & if I was uncomfortable I could have slipped away quietly. But I didn't. The RHP people are genuinely friendly and funny and I felt so much happier & at ease just having met these wonderful people. No pressure, no sex, no nudity, just meeting fun people. But with the confidence, (eventually) will come the hook-ups, the parties and more friendships with new people.Good luck & good on you!Chaucer
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RHP User
11 years ago
Hi BAS, Your history and experiences that have led you to hear sound pretty sad and harrowing to be honest. Some of what you wrote sounds familiar to me, and I have to say - despite being on RHP - it took quite a long time before I could put myself actually out there to meet and play (largely due to guilt). As for should you be on RHP? I have to say, probably not (yet). You seem extremely vulnerable and even fragile. If you are extremely lucky you may find a caring soul (or two) willing to work with you and help you. Whilst you may well find lots of helpful advice here on the forums, the likely hood of you meeting (and playing) with someone ready to spend the necessary time to make you their 'project' is less likely than you hooking up with a potential bunny-boiler - similar to your ex. Hopefully I'm wrong, but unfortunately RHP (and life) is overpopulated with selfish types. OK, I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear, but I think you need honest opinions here. Now, your personal development/confidence needs solid work it seems. RHP may (eventually) help but. to me, it sounds like you probably need professional help and a multi-faceted approach to build your self esteem. 'Manning up' is simplifying the situation. How often do overtly 'manly' macho types end up being wimps or in the closet BTW? They are overcompensating for what does not exist in them. Don't fall for this path. You do need to start small and build yourself to the point you feel your feet are on solid ground, you are sure of who you are and able to (reasonably) assert yourself. This is not going to happen from a quick fuk - no matter how good it may be at the time. I wish you luck mate. And don't think professional help is for pussies, that's an idiot macho fool's idea of things. Good luck. FFB
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RHP User
11 years ago
RHP can either be an amazingly liberating experience, where you learn about yourself and your sexuality, you explore and learn about what others want and enjoy sexually and how to please them OR it can chew you up and spit you out. It can be soul destroying, self esteem killing and an exercise in judgement and rejection. Only you will decide which it will be. Your approach and attitude will predict your success or otherwise. View it as a growth and learning experience and have few expectations beyond that and you'll do OK. I do worry that the fragile seem to be the ones who get spat out......- Posted from rhpmobile
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