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RHP

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Sonder. Because not getting a response is a difficult thing to cope with.

December 20 2014

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"Sonder" is a neologism, basically meaning: The realisation that each random passerby is living a life as full and vivid as your own, without you ever being anything other than, at most, scenery. What's my point here, you may be asking... In the context of this site: responses. Or more pertinently for some/many of you - the lack thereof. The lack, and how to deal with the lack of response. Sonder is how you deal with it. See, the thing is, in our heads, in our lives - we are each of us the protagonist of our understanding or experience of the world. Ugh, jesus, I'm getting out of control here - basically what I'm saying is that even though you may have done all of the things that ensure a 'good message': you read the profile, you thought of interesting and specific-to-that-person things to say. You spelled well and used grammar correctly. In short, you were charming as fuck. You did all of those things and yet - gasp - they didn't reply. Why? WHY!? WHYYYYYYY? You may ask. In short - one reason is: Sonder. That person has their own fucking life. A life that is full and busy with all kinds of responsibilities and events and minutiae that have less than zero to do with you. You are not a factor in that person's life. You sent a message on the internet that boils down to "So hey, you fall within the bounds of what I find attractive - let's hang out and/or (but preferably 'and') fuck." I hate to break it to you, but this may not be the defining moment in that person's life. If they don't get back to you, it is most likely because, they just don't have the fucking time - you are a background player to their reality - someone they've never even met. Why should they reply? This post could go on forever, so I'll kill it now - but for those of you who feel the sting of faceless rejection when they didn't even take the time to say "no thanks" - that person has their own life, and who the fuck are you in that person's life to demand or expect anything? Realise that, like you, they have a full and vivid life. A life that does not include you. If they choose to include you, then that is a gift, not some sort of tribute. Try to remember that, next time you're feeling slighted.

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Comments

  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    Most of the time the 'no thanx' is taken as an invitation to try and convince u to change your mind ... To me this is why a lot get no replies because replying can and most times does open a whole negative conversation where u r asked to explain why u have said 'no thanx' 😳 - Posted from rhpmobile

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    Thanks for sharing. However I don't think replying to sender of a (pleasant) message is a "gift" anymore than returning a stranger's "Good morning" in the street. To me it's the nice thing to do, and it makes me feel polite and friendly. Win win. That's just my view.

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  • TheLuckyOne

    TheLuckyOne

    10 years ago

    I agree OP! Yes, I appreciate manners but more often than not others are not intentionally being rude. It's like when you send a text to someone and they don't reply for hours. They actually have a life! And it doesn't revolve around me. Damn! 😉

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    I think I might love you! This attachment people have to what other people do or don't do drives me nuts. The expectation that other should behave a certain way, even moreso. It's to have an opinion (we all do) but the expectation that others should agree and act accordingly is blurggh. No expectation = no disappointment. I'd add one thing to your post though. Silence IS a response. It means no thanks/too busy/not interested/something's happening in my life which makes your message irrelevant to me/ yada yada. - Posted from rhpmobile

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    inundated with messages,I do reply to most but the messages that just say not much more than"Hi" puzzle me.Yesterday I received another "Hi:)"...So this time I decided to reply"Is that a Zen koan?"low and behold I received a surprisingly literate response...go figure as nothing in this man's profile would indicate that he had more than two neurons to rub together:)xxFreya

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  • Circe

    Circe

    10 years ago

    Inner west, and nice to see you posting again. Welcome back! :-)

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    My friend leaned over my shoulder and seen my messages on my rhp app. She said omg u reply to all your messages. My reply why not even if its just a quick response I always make time. I figure the other other person took time to write it too :) - Posted from rhpmobile

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    and prefer to be polite and reply. I think you have to be some sort of narcissist to think you are better than anyone who takes the time out of their day to message you. This is why we are so disconnected and jaded about people's behaviour. I do agree that people are busy and have lives outside of here and I know that all too well myself but I make the time to reply because someone has taken their time for me. It may not be immediately and if someone is rude or stalkerish then I don't keep replying but even a template reply takes no time to do and I think it is a cop out when people say they don't have time. If you have time to be online then you have time to send a reply.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    Interesting though I think you are missing one important detail in regard to the communication online. Yes we all have our own perspective on life, and each life's unique view, in terms of location and history, give rise to differing experiences resulting in differing behavioral and cognitive attributes. Yet we all share the same brain, a brain unique in the animal kingdom for the huge resources it devotes in both energy and restate (your heads are limited in size) to understanding other humans. Out ability to empathize with each other is extraordinarily well developed when compared to other higher mammals and even amongst primates. This is the primary skill you must develop to successfully communicate with other RHP members. It is not about dotting the i' and crossing the t, not about spelling, or grammar. You must put your self in their shoes, understand why they are here, and what they are looking for. You must assess your self from their point of view. It is mainly guess work, but this is a skill practice improves. What they want is really mot much to do with the profile requirements. Starting communication because you are in the right age, sex, height and looks range is not a good reason, and will result more often than not in rejection. We all know the type of person that we really get along with, where communication is easy and relaxed, where both people enjoy each others company. Look for those people, you are naturally more inclined to empathise and understand the person at the other keyboard. That is 90% of the battle. People who do well online, are people that are good at relating to other people, in understanding what it is like on the other end. For the right person, nobody is to busy. People fail here because they treat it like a meat market. It is not that at all, it is a busy social outing in the privacy of your home. Anyone will only ever get on very well with about 20% (at the most) of the people in any give social gathering. And I mean "get on" as in ongoing friend ship, of that only about 20% will be suitably matched sexually. There is much more to it than that, So, consider each person, do you like them more than just a sexual object, do you think they will like you, are the circumstances acceptable. If you answer yes then consider writing to them. if you have been careful and honest with your self and demonstrate you empathy to them when you write, they will reply, wild horses would not be able to stop them replying. What you say or how you say it is unique to you and that person, there is no one rule to cover all bases. Believing that is the main reason so many people become despondent. This is not a video game, or a beauty pageant, the is no winning or losing, no prizes handed out. Yes OP you are right we all have our own lives, but we also have one quarter of a pound of cerebral cortex ( the frontal lobe ) devoted to being able to see from the others point of view, to catch their Sonder. Use it.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    I don't reply....fuck em.... Seriously what's the point in engaging in any conversation that gives someone false hope?? Or that you're dulling yourself down for just to make someone else's day?? Sorry but that's just the type of head fuck no one wants or needs... It's easy....expect nothing. This way if you do get a reply then it's a bonus.... - Posted from rhpmobile

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    Quoting 'ralf74' and prefer to be polite and reply. I think you have to be some sort of narcissist to think you are better than anyone who takes the time out of their day to message you. This is why we are so disconnected and jaded about people's behaviour. that this topic is coming at it from the other side of things. I see there being two separate issues here - one being people's take on whether they should reply to messages they receive, and the other being the way that people who send the messages deal with it if they don't receive a reply. Even if I think it is the right thing to do to reply to messages I receive (which I do for the most part, there are exceptions), if I am the one sending a message to someone and don't receive a reply I'm not going to get all bent out of shape about it because I know that I simply can't control other people's behaviour. Yes it would be nice if we could expect everyone to act in ways we see as being right and polite, but people are so different and there are so many possible reasons for non-replies that it is futile to project my expectations onto them, and waste energy getting upset over something which in the grand scheme of things is quite trivial. Perhaps the way the OP has framed it does sound a bit narcissistic but I agree with the underlying point.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    this all sounds nice but try being a single guy from melb.It's pretty much impossible to get an answer back from any woman in the state of vic on here or any other website and yes before you go off they normal msgs that i send saying hi im in melb would you like a chat or something to that effect and utter silence is the answer 99% of the time and then you go in the chat rooms and for some reason everyone is from WA or QLD or NSW and the clique that has formed with certain woman and the men that fawn all over them to keep there attention from other people and when you do try to have a conversation the sound of silence is loud and clear or the typical ''thanks'' and ignore brush off msg is given. So to your so called affliction i call bullshit and people in m y state need to get off the high horse's and get over your self if people msg it's because its what your LOOKING for so say hi and not give the ''chatroom brush off''

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    yes, I do agree wholeheartedly with that also but I think if people were more mindful of others then people would not get so upset about it. To face rejection after rejection, well it isn't even rejection, it isn't even being a blip on someones radar to be ignored like that. I wouldn't like to approach someone and just have them turn my back on me while I was talking, you would call that rude and disrespectful but because it is the internet, it somehow makes treating people like that acceptable. If everyone did that to you constantly, you would be wondering what the hell was wrong with you and it affects your mental health and personal confidence leading to outbursts about it. How many threads have we had on here about the lack of replies, it is clearly playing on the minds of many. Treat others how you wish to be treated yourself is something I like to live by which is why I reply even if it is just a rejection and most have been grateful for the reply. There is also some finality to it, you know where you stand and you aren't second guessing and checking up if they have opened or read it, if they are busy and going to get back to it later etc.

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  • Mischeviouslad

    Mischeviouslad

    10 years ago

    Thats all fine and well.... but you took as long to0 get tot he point as a Joseph Conrad chapter. IF they've read your message and don't reply.... I think it boils down to either a) they're not interested or b) theyre not that interested.

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  • threesixty

    threesixty

    10 years ago

    I posted this several months ago... Looking to canvass the general feeling regarding the protocol if you receive a message and the attraction is not there or it's not to your liking. I feel a quick reply stating your intentions is appropriate? Some may disagree, if your not keen let the other party know as manners are free and the other party can peruse other people...

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    For most,not all, women RHP is a male order catalogue xxFreya

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    Why are the guys laying the blame on the girls. I have been here 7 years, in that time I have sent 5530 messages and received 5455 messages in total. That is almost break even (yes laughable for the girls) I don't have a problem with not getting replies. If you are careful when and to who you send messages to you will get replies. The above figures average to 2 messages sent every single day for 7 years, yes there where times I was very busy, and times when I was very quite (most of this year I was not on RHP). Not all of them turned into meetings, and I have no clue how many different people I communicated with. But I keep hearing the guys complaining that they are getting nothing. If you are sending, "Please root me?" messages you will not get a response, that includes polite "......please root me, blah blah.. read your profile, blah blah... like to get to know you, blah blah blah.. please root me blah blah free now please....." But not all of you are that single minded. Take the a moment and think that they are real people reading the messages you send. There are many women who diligently reply to all messages. I always reply to all messages I get, unless they are of putting or rude. Is it really that bad? or is it just guys moaning because they can. I give up on these threads, it just does not make sense unless you are just sending "fuck me please" messages.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    A favourite cartoon of mine... basically a guy sitting on a computer and the partner/wife asks: "Are you coming to bed?", Reponse: "No, this is important". "What is it?" "Someone on the internet is WRONG". I guess this relates somehow as we probably overvalue our relations and interactions (or lack thereof) with others on the internet, and sometimes we simply need to UNPLUG. Yes our efforts to unplug are actually to plug something in real life [wink wink], but perhaps our efforts are self-defeating, or to put it another way, our time could have been better spent looking for company some other way.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    Mr.Snipped...however there have been many crossovers into real life for me.directly related to being on this site.What amazes me still is how much emotional investment people put into a relationship with someone that they have never met.and maybe never will....I have been guilty of this myself in the past....there are no nuances here,we can't see each other's eyes,smell each other's scent,touch each other's skin..There is 80 per cent of how we communicate missing here after all...So take the emotion out of the equation,until you actually meet someone....because sometimes no matter how rigorously you screen,the other person may just be,a figment of their own imagination,and yours xx Freya

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  • Plain

    Plain

    10 years ago

    Why are we so hung up on answering, first and foremost with very few exceptions have not had many reasons to answer genuine queries my way on RHP, but the ones that I have replied to been polite in explaining my situation and thanking them very much for their interest.People can be in a world of their own in not considering others, we used to greet with a nod and maybe a smile, now we are engrossed in the BLOODY phones and ignore the world. The choice is yours, sonder, nah anxiety disorder yeah, what are we going to miss next.No blame its whats wrong with me why wont they answer!!?? Or maybe I am too old and wizened to indulge in this angst riven world that we exist in!!

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    Sometimes the real world person is not someone you want to know in the real world. Communication for just the sake of communication is a worthwhile effort. Not so long ago we watch TV and read books, both passive and one sided pursuits, maybe a little learning, but there is so much more to be gained from real-time interaction with actual humans. Personally if someone is WRONG I do take some pleasure in providing the RIGHT answer, but on that way there I will make sure I am backed up with facts and as many times as not I discover I am wrong. I much prefer knowing the right answer so this form of debate is very worth while for me at least. Guessing who is on the other side is fun in of its own right. RHP provides something many sites and forums do not. That is the opportunity to meet the people on the other side. That feed back is very helpful in making future assessments of who the other person is. I have lost count of the number of people I have meet from this site, maybe in the hundreds (the greater major of which were just friendship) but each time I learnt a little about how peoples traits are reflected in their online persona. I do really miss being a paid member and will be one of the first things I pay for when I get a job.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    Quoting 'Plain' Why are we so hung up on answering, first and foremost with very few exceptions have not had many reasons to answer genuine queries my way on RHP, but the ones that I have replied to been polite in explaining my situation and thanking them very much for their interest.People can be in a world of their own in not considering others, we used to greet with a nod and maybe a smile, now we are engrossed in the BLOODY phones and ignore the world. The choice is yours, sonder, nah anxiety disorder yeah, what are we going to miss next.No blame its whats wrong with me why wont they answer!!?? Or maybe I am too old and wizened to indulge in this angst riven world that we exist in!! Its not the phones that are enticing, its the people at the other end that provide the attraction.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    Great post. Very eloquently put. Some food for thought for me x - Posted from rhpmobile

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    SONDER OFF.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    I chose this one :- "Hi there, You've reached the mailbox of sir_stir....sorry I'm not in at the moment but if you leave a brief message....oh wait up.....you just did lol 😝"

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    It invites more correspondence.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    Quoting 'Funlover71' It invites more correspondence. The "at the moment" says please keep trying and trying and trying until I answer. How about: "Hi there, You've reached the mailbox of sir_stir.... sorry but I'm not here, nor will I ever be, so if you leave a brief message.... oh wait up..... you just did. Goodbye."

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    how about my usual one:- "Fuck off we're full!!!" 😝😝😜 - Posted from rhpmobile

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    Don't answer that, I'm pretty sure I know the answer.

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