F55
Space
October 26 2017
Comments
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RHP User
7 years ago
For me, due to work/distance, it is inevitable. I have not yet come to the stage of living with someone, the least space I can relate to is having had flatmates in the past, including with the opposite sex (which are in my repressed memories lol). Even with a g/f or fwbs, the average time spent together has come about two weeks apart. So on the contrary, for a while, I would probably end up in the category of "not getting enough" of someone, if a closer situation eventuated. But of course, practical life needs like work shifts, would likely get in the way. I know married couples who barely see each other, at least during the week, when alternating shift work has meant one is at home while the other is out, and vice versa. For my g/f and those I have spent time with as fwb (ie singles), they have been highly independant with a full and quite busy life of their own, so certainly not greatly needy of any particular time together.
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RHP User
7 years ago
I wouldn't be needy in any other regard, quite happily entertain myself with day to day craziness, but sexually, I would be glued to him. He will have to pry me off, and I'm not kidding. I doubt either one of us will have time to eat lol 😀 So long distance is not an option. I need him to be um available? 😊 Actually fifo might work within an open relationship but not an interstate bf, couldn't do that. Short term longing I could almost manage. Great topic btw
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RHP User
7 years ago
I thrive on living alone and having a massive amount of independence and autonomy. For the longest time I thought it meant that I basically can't do relationships altogether, because the amount of space I require precludes them. Then some years ago I discovered solo polyamory, and haven't looked back. In a nutshell, I do have relationships, and they are quite deep and enduring, they are just very high-independence ones with other independent people, whom desire the same high level of space. It works great! But I think I've been very lucky with the people I've connected with. I can see how things could blow up very easily if the desired level of involvement vs space isn't in harmony. Long story short: I need a massive amount of space and intend to live on my own and solo polyamorous forever. Doesn't annoy anyone because we're all on the same page.
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RHP User
7 years ago
I cant stand being around people to much or crowds for to long...I love being on my own. I travel on my own and maybe this nature is a reason I have never lived with anyone...it is what it is and I'm very happy being introverted. I do have good friendships...but these people know who i am and what makes me tick so its all good.
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The_Antichrist
7 years ago
It’s a never ending frontier of stories that help People to connect..... The simplest is in the question “how was your day?” - Posted from rhpmobile
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EarthQueen
7 years ago
Quoting 'countrytouch' But of course, practical life needs like work shifts, would likely get in the way. I know married couples who barely see each other, at least during the week, when alternating shift work has meant one is at home while the other is out, and vice versa. For my g/f and those I have spent time with as fwb (ie singles), they have been highly independant with a full and quite busy life of their own, so certainly not greatly needy of any particular time together. RE. Married couples apart. A good friend of mine has spent her whole life with large chunks of time away from her husband due to work commitments. They have the best sex life out of all of my friends who have all been with long term partners. Maybe just lucky but I also know they put a lot of effort into connecting when they are away from each other and also when he is home. Also high levels of trust in each other. Of course sex isn't everything but its nice to see someone with the spark till strong after 20+ years.
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EarthQueen
7 years ago
Quoting 'Katurdai' It works great! But I think I've been very lucky with the people I've connected with. I can see how things could blow up very easily if the desired level of involvement vs space isn't in harmony. Yes this can be the tricky part. I try to be honest about my need for space from the get go and if we are not on the same page at least they know what I'm about. Many people take it as a personal rejection when its not.
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EarthQueen
7 years ago
Quoting 'sting78' I cant stand being around people to much or crowds for to long...I love being on my own. I travel on my own and maybe this nature is a reason I have never lived with anyone...it is what it is and I'm very happy being introverted. I do have good friendships...but these people know who i am and what makes me tick so its all good. Yes travelling alone is a goal for me right now. I've never done it before. I'm going to start small with an overnight hike and camping by myself.
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EarthQueen
7 years ago
Quoting 'the_antichrist' It’s a never ending frontier of stories that help People to connect..... The simplest is in the question “how was your day?” - Posted from rhpmobile Love it. I need to do this more. I do admit though that as soon as I heard the words frontier I heard you say it in William Shatner's voice. :)
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EarthQueen
7 years ago
I love people and interacting with them and am very social but this has to be balanced by time alone. I've always been like this even as a child. In my relationships I have to be careful to remember to nurture them and snap out of being in my own headspace because this can just be my natural default. This can be taken as being uncaring by others when its not. I guess there is space that is physical and mental. I don't mind being around someone for large blocks of time as long as we can be in periods of comfortable silence together and have some seperate, as well as shared interests. Having said that I do like living alone a lot and holding that space is important to me right now and could be indefinitely. That is also starting to extend to relationships and a shift in my thinking about expectations. I think I am becoming more comfortable with polyamory and allowing others the space to just be, if its reciprocal. Or is that just a euphemism for having your cake and eating it too LOL.
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RHP User
7 years ago
Sometimes the married couples have said that they are successful because of the fact they don't see each other as often :) :p - Posted from rhpmobile
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The_Antichrist
7 years ago
My mission was accomplished then ;) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
7 years ago
Quoting 'EarthQueen' I try to be honest about my need for space from the get go and if we are not on the same page at least they know what I'm about. Many people take it as a personal rejection when its not. Yes. Actually, in the solo polyamorous dating game, that's basically a case of "winning by losing"... ie If someone can't handle my need for space and independence, they tend to drop off pretty quickly. Like in the first 1-2 dates. So there isn't usually much of a protracted process or drama. I'm very very upfront about how independent I actually am. And things like how living together or exclusivity will absolutely NEVER be on the cards, etc. It's very sobering for those who have subconscious hopes of such down the line. :D
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RHP User
7 years ago
although I don't currently want live in with a relationship, I'm not closed off to it in the future and would be turned off by that wall so to speak
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RHP User
7 years ago
to expand on that, I have been turned off and retreated many times with men over 40 who appear to be set in their ways
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RHP User
7 years ago
Quoting 'EarthQueen' Quoting 'sting78' I cant stand being around people to much or crowds for to long...I love being on my own. I travel on my own and maybe this nature is a reason I have never lived with anyone...it is what it is and I'm very happy being introverted. I do have good friendships...but these people know who i am and what makes me tick so its all good. Yes travelling alone is a goal for me right now. I've never done it before. I'm going to start small with an overnight hike and camping by myself. Morocco is amazing, very cheap and awesome views, most of the country can be seen by train. The food is unreal and you would love shopping in the medinas..you can go right down south into the Sahara and spend time chilling in a cheap but nicely located and quiet hotel with a pool. Its a worth while experience...then on your return to Aussie stop in Dubai for a few days.
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EarthQueen
7 years ago
Quoting 'I_touch_myself2' to expand on that, I have been turned off and retreated many times with men over 40 who appear to be set in their ways Is it set in their ways or just understanding what they want though? Do people just get sick of compromising?Not being critical. Just thinking out aloud. It may be a recipe for loneliness but if you have previously changed for a person, and it didn't work out anyway, maybe you can't be bothered to do it all again if its not aligned with your values/needs.
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PurePeony
7 years ago
... and so the sociologists / psychologists declared. We are at the dawn of a new era though, whereby relationships of codependancies and marriages that were entered into for the sake of being coupled up and establishing a family are quickly losing their appeal. Both gender are reeling from nasty breakups and divorces and the ability for both men and women to live independantly and survive is also enabling and empowering a lot of folks to embrace alone-ness and solitude. I do need a lot of alone time to "recharge my batteries". Having to deal with all sorts of characters in my job wears me down and depletes my energy. I'm pretty much an extroverted introvert but recently, I learnt a new concept that might explain why constantly being with people just puts me on edge and makes me feel ill - I'm also an Empath! Yet another new terminology that might be applicable is this - Highly Sensitive Person, although I've got a tough shell like an armadillo and I can be a porcupine if the need arises! LOL!!! Maybe I'm the evolved non-victim style of an HSP! I have discovered though, that if I fall deeply in love with someone, the need for distance and space diminishes somewhat. I'll still need my "me time", but because of the attraction and love, I willingly welcome more together time doing schtuff. I've been in relationships where I do not really love the person or I have fallen out of love or I'm just not that into him, and under those circumstances, I have initiated seeing each other only once a fortnight... or less, much to the horror of the other party. The longest relationships I have been in, both exhibit the same characteristics of neither of us being clingy, and whilst we may cohabit in the same abode, we are often doing our own thang. The Together Apart relationship remains my ideal type of relationship. It does a couple good to spend some quality time apart from each other on a regular basis. I never want my bf hanging around when I'm shopping because men always look like miserable sods when they have to tail their wives / gf's when they are out trying on clothes. Why do women even bother to get the guys to tag along to the boutiques? These poor blokes pull faces longer than the bulldogs' / Basset Hounds and they are quite a sorry sight! Couples who have their own social circles, and who spend time nurturing/improving themselves, eg. meditation, practising mindfulness, exercise regime, hobby clubs, etc are "power couples" - they are strong individuals in their own right, but when they come together, POW!!!... they are a force to be reckoned with, akin to when Wonder Woman strikes her bracelets and creates that WHOMP! POW! energy field! PS. Apologies OP... I love my superheroes!
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EarthQueen
7 years ago
I love them too. Wonder Woman Imagine if she and Thor had a love child! Thanks PP
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RHP User
7 years ago
...somewhere that is our own ''space'' regardless of where we find it. Mine is fly fishing...solitude, nature and blissful quiet! Here is an example of how that worked well for me.... Alarm rang at 4:30 a.m. so I rolled over and patted her on the bottom then whispered... ''Sex or fishing?'' She smiled sleepily and said... ''Wear an extra jumper as it's winter and I think it's been snowing''. I went fishing and she went shopping. Hoooo-ray for our hobbies and downtime!
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OkeyDoke45
7 years ago
Was in a marriage with someone who believed that, as a couple, you must spend as much of your time with each other as you can. She was very much ''why would I not want to be with you?'' and vice versa. We were both shift workers, my shifts were set in stone each month but she could request a lot of her monthly roster. She would request the same shifts as me so were at work at the same time (we didn't work together but our paths would frequently cross at work) and thus have the same days off. When at home we were never to do anything apart. If one of us were doing something, the other must do it also. It got to the point of ridiculousness - she would come along to golf days that were organized among my (male) friends and I. If I were visiting friends while she was at work, she would message me when she finished and that was my cue to go home, otherwise she would come to where you were. We went to visit my sister overseas and my sister later complained to me that she just wanted a bit of time with just her and I to sit and chat but she knew that was impossible. It's hard even for me to understand how I let it get to the point that it did. I started to realize it was wrong when I would let out a secret whoop of joy if her roster came out and showed us working different shifts. I started to crack it with the whole setup though, said to her one day ''how about we just let the dice fall where they may with your roster'', which didn't go over great. She equated that to me not wanting to be with her, which was not the case at all, I just needed some time to myself - to just sit, not have to entertain anyone and do something that I enjoy. I started booking random trips to see my family when I had extended time off and she was working. I started ''accidentally'' leaving my mobile phone at home if I went out so I didn't have to deal with the ''where are you?" texts - all that kind of stuff. Just small pockets of rebellion. I'm sure there are some couples out there that are perfectly happy in each other's company and are loath to be apart, but I think all of us need some time, just a little, to be ourselves. I advise people in relationships now, where kids aren't an issue, to go on separate holidays every couple of years - you each go off and have exactly the kind of holiday you want. Blokes, let your women go and have their girls night out, and vice versa. I think of all the (usually older) couples that tolerate each other through gritted teeth, but see how one pretty much can't go to the toilet without the other wanting to know where they're going.
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kerningpairs
7 years ago
Hey, Google that phrase, there is a great community discussing a relationship style & way off living that values autonomy at the heart of it :) - Posted from rhpmobile
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EarthQueen
7 years ago
That sounds more than just an unwillingness to be apart, it sounds extremely controlling. I just dated a guy who was the same. Literally could not understand why I would not want to spend every spare minute together. Thats a huge red flag for me as it often leads to the controlling, where are you, monitoring constantly type of relationship. Ugh, such a turn off. I consider that to be borderline abusive if you have to explain your every move. Time spent apart can make time spent together more interesting and if you can't trust your partner when you aren't there, well whats the point?
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RHP User
7 years ago
Yeah that does sound over controlling 😕
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RHP User
7 years ago
I am a latecomer to the joy of solo travel... two weeks travelling around Tasmania on my own in late 2015. It is a wonderful thing. I'm currently in Perth (which is a city I know well after having lived here for 18 years)... two days of work, and now the weekend to myself. There are people I should be catching up with (sorry Precious, Perth Socialites and Tylannister), but I've been working my ass off and I just need some space. I've had so much fun today wandering around the city, stopping wherever I want and seeing what's new. It's been a delight.
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RHP User
7 years ago
Space in a relationship is essential for me. I'm a full introvert too, although I can be very social. Mainly at work and I end up working way longer hours than I should, because my office is like a hub where everyone gathers to shoot the breeze and have a laugh. So I barely get any work done during my allocated hours. Same when I'm down in the pit - always takes longer than anticipated because everyone want to have a chat. I love it, but I'm exhausted from all the people contact when I get home. Consequently, I don't think I could ever live with someone again. I'm also in the process of falling in love with someone who lives on the other side of the country from me. Finally met someone with whom I can let my guard down, and be vulnerable. But I think that's because we only get to see each other 3-4 times a year? We text all day and talk on the phone several times a week, but we're not constantly in each other's space. Who knows what will happen down the track, but right now it's working for both of us.
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RHP User
7 years ago
Quoting 'kerningpairs' Hey, Google that phrase, there is a great community discussing a relationship style & way off living that values autonomy at the heart of it :) - Posted from rhpmobile Ahuh! :) Ever since I've unpacked the whole relationship escalator thing and discovered solo polyamory, I've felt sooo much more sane. It transformed my world from one in which relationships felt like a compromise and a chore into one in which they are actually a joy.... It cracks me up how mainstream society actually sees me as "just a single person dating around" too. Given that my solo poly relationships are actually much more stable and enduring than any of my old monogamous ones ever were. :D
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RHP User
7 years ago
Quoting 'EarthQueen'Love it. I need to do this more. I do admit though that as soon as I heard the words frontier I heard you say it in William Shatner's voice. :) Hah! You're a Trekkie!. Respect.Live long and prosper, EarthQueen.
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RHP User
7 years ago
Quoting 'Meander' I'm Wander Woman. To me....in my imagination....you're Meandertron. Leader of the Sexicons and arch-nemesis of Optimus Chev. Have been for a while..
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RHP User
7 years ago
I'm so accustomed to living by myself, and having to consider my own welfare only, that in the past, I've neglected to think of my Other as much as I should of. I liked the space, but I needed to be closer to her needs too.Hopefully, I've learned from those experiences...I think I did. But it's not the end of the world if The Long Term Relationship is not for me...I don't feel like I "need" one.Despite that I remember how good a relationship could feel...and it was really good once...I feel content again, alone.And isn't contentment enough? It feels like it.
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RHP User
7 years ago
I think it depends on the relationship. Personally I like space, probably because I've been on my own for so long. I like to watch a crap movie without having to worry if anyone else likes it. I like to have breakfast for dinner sometimes, if I'm in a rush. That said, snuggling up on the couch with someone is awesome. Respecting each others space and balance is the key. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
7 years ago
I need very little space or time to myself which is often hard on anyone I'm dating. If im in love I wanna be around them all the time. Just the way I am I guess. - Posted from rhpmobile
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AnnieWhichway
7 years ago
My last relationship l had plenty of space and distance. It worked perfectly in that respect as least. I can no longer do a traditional relationship. There are too many compromises and complications in dealing with daily crap and you lose the reason you are seeing each other. Now l have so much space l can spend 4 days or more with no one to converse with. I surf by myself in isolated areas and enjoy the solitude and the risk. My choice of course. I've faced scary moments by myself and some truly breathtaking ones with nature. Not something you can describe but you are in charge of your own destiny and your life in your own hands. Space is good and you get to choose when you catch up with your close friends. So a balance as well.
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RHP User
7 years ago
Hi EQ, For me it's more about having your own stories to tell ... as much as sharing an experience can be awesome, even if it's not what you as an individual are into, it's great to listen and hear the enjoyment that someone you care about gets out of doing something .. All about sharing really - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
7 years ago
It is only now that I really value my own space. My boy is older and I am single. This affords me a freedom I have never allowed myself to have. It has come from a place of struggle and always being the type of person who is there for everyone else and putting myself last all the time. Would I Live with someone again?? I just don't know. My space, their space. At this point its a no. would have to be someone pretty awesome to consider living with them again. And if we did I would have to have my own outlets and they should have theirs.
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