M50
Swinging vs Open Relationships..Question for Swingers....
January 27 2013
Comments
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RHP User
12 years ago
For Different Folks. We totally enjoy our swinging lifestyle, otherwise we wouldn't be in it. In no way do we feel that it's "restrictive or unrealistic". We like what it brings us, we don't let it rule our world, but most of all we enjoy doing it together. So no, we are not interested in going solo, but each to their own, whatever rocks your boat..
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RHP User
12 years ago
I think it depends on your view of swinging doesn't it. Why do you have to find only one other couple? You know you don't always have to do everything together you know Philosoperpoet, in the swinging world I mean. Swingers I know also play individually as well as a couple. It is quite funny though to say a swinging relationship is controlling and confined as most of the world believe it to be so loose and without usual social constraints. But I know what you mean. I don't really understand a couple that want to play separately like you both do. Do play together sometimes? Do you meet each others lovers? Is it because you have special needs Too many questions. LOLM
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RHP User
12 years ago
..I guess we play separately for a number of reasons. I love my wife utterly and have been with her for 17 years. We both enjoy the pleasures of the body and feel that having separate experiences is liberating and in no way compromises the love we share. Knowing that my wife is truly free to be and experience is important to me. I also recognise that I am a finite being and can only offer so much. I am humble enough to realise that she can have experiences with other people that I cannot provide for her. Playing separate is also important because it teaches me about attachment. I have me one or two of her lovers...both male and female.....I don't really feel need to do so though.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Suits us...don't play with attached men or women...without their partners being present and actively involved...we see the idea of another couple as an attractive option...,,but don't see half of the same couple in the same way....,ie 'other' people's partners aren't what we want.... - Posted from rhpmobile
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BJVAN69
12 years ago
Can see where you're cumming from Meeka. I had a relationship where we would meet other couples. Sometimes you would hit the jackpot and most times it was hit and miss. The woman wasnt keen but the bloke was. The couple was keen but the hubby would get jealous seeing his wife with another bloke to the point of carrying on like a spoilt brat. Its hit and miss but you do find some gems. To me swinging with your partner is the ultimate experience, seeing her enjoying herself was my ultimate high.
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RHP User
12 years ago
I had an open relationship, briefly, though we hadn't reached the same level of freedom you describe OP - there were still some speed bumps for us. Like you though, we were very much in a place of love and freedom. We loved each other deeply and we lovingly supported each other's freedom to play separately. I think perhaps you misunderstand or misjudge swinging though. In a healthy, loving relationship, swinging is usually another adventure that bonds partners - shared experiences and excitement, shared decisions and shared fun etc. A lot of swingers play together and separately and the 'rules' are often not as rigid as you suggest. Some couples simply choose not to play separately. Others haven't reached the place of acceptance and freedom you describe, and for them playing separately is a threat to their relationship. Each to their own, right? My questions for you are: Do you and your wife still have sex? Does your separate play enhance your relationship in some way or is t just a separate thing altogether that you done speak of? If you don't play/swing together I wonder if you're missing out on some truly erotic experiences. Curious now :)
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RHP User
12 years ago
I blame my repetitive ramble on lack of paragraphing on the iPhone. Apologies peeps! Times like this a delete/edit button would be great :(
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RHP User
12 years ago
we agree,,,,,can not be that much in love to play alone!!even in 3sums when a guy just wants my wife,,she still wants me there,,or wont play..
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RHP User
12 years ago
Why does your profile have your status as "single" when you have said in this forum you are married? Why do you make no mention that you are married in an open relationship in your profile? Been upfront, open and honest goes a long way.
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Playful2looking
12 years ago
You make some good points.about special needs and attachments. Glad you enjoy your open relationship.We will play seperately but only if we have played with them as a couple before hand. As we are both bi we can have special needs for one on one same partner sex
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Playful2looking
12 years ago
Sorry my grammar I meant same sex partner.
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DonnaBrett
12 years ago
Swinging is not restrictive at all...in fact it's the total opposite. We also play separate too...but the big thrill is seeing each other play with other people. From our observations over the last 13 plus years in this scene....the majority of people who ONLY play separate do so because they actually have underlying jealousy issues. They want to play but can not cope with seeing their partner with another person.
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RHP User
12 years ago
We enjoy swimming and will always say no for open relation. .- Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'EssentialDom' Why does your profile have your status as "single" when you have said in this forum you are married? Why do you make no mention that you are married in an open relationship in your profile? Been upfront, open and honest goes a long way. --That has been covered many times in several posts ;-) My wife also added her bit on one of them (think the post is called Kiss on lips)...There is no 'open' or 'poly' option and therefore both my wife and I choose the 'single' option...Danny x
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'EssentialDom' Why does your profile have your status as "single" when you have said in this forum you are married? Why do you make no mention that you are married in an open relationship in your profile? Been upfront, open and honest goes a long way. Read my profile again - its states I am 'POLYAMOROUS' ;-) - has always stated that...
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'lil_bit_angelic' I had an open relationship, briefly, though we hadn't reached the same level of freedom you describe OP - there were still some speed bumps for us. Like you though, we were very much in a place of love and freedom. We loved each other deeply and we lovingly supported each other's freedom to play separately. I think perhaps you misunderstand or misjudge swinging though. In a healthy, loving relationship, swinging is usually another adventure that bonds partners - shared experiences and excitement, shared decisions and shared fun etc. A lot of swingers play together and separately and the 'rules' are often not as rigid as you suggest. Some couples simply choose not to play separately. Others haven't reached the place of acceptance and freedom you describe, and for them playing separately is a threat to their relationship. Each to their own, right? My questions for you are: Do you and your wife still have sex? Does your separate play enhance your relationship in some way or is t just a separate thing altogether that you done speak of? If you don't play/swing together I wonder if you're missing out on some truly erotic experiences. Curious now :) Well said.As to your questions.1) The wife and I have a very active sex life - and we have sex every day (although I admit her sex drive is greater than mine) ;-) ....(northerntantra is our couple profile)2) The other stuff we involve ourselves in does not necessarily enhance our sex lives - however, at times, it has. There are certain things/experiences etc that she can have with other men/women/groups that I cannot provide for her - it enables her to have a full and kaleidoscopic range of sexual experiences. I do not really feel the need to benefit from it but because my wife is wholly satisfied it brings a certain level of contentment to our lives... ;-)I have tried the group thing and I have both participated or simply observed her in a group entanglement situation....just doesn't rock my boat....Each to their own I guess....Danny x
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RHP User
12 years ago
I think it's pretty judgemental to say "can't be that much in love to play alone". Our journey started with an experience with just same room sex with a couple, then a few threesomes with girls and guys, before graduating to being full 'swingers'. As our life evolved, starting a family and Mr's work commitments meant we couldn't enjoy ourselves as much as we wanted, so we experimented with having a fully open relationship which ended up really suiting us. There is something quite thrilling about giving my husband a call after I've just had a play date while he's away, and relive it for him, I know for a fact he gets a lot of enjoyment out of it too. We don't have any jealousy or trust issues which is why it works so well :) our only real rule is that we don't enter into emotional relationships with others (apart from being friends) it is purely a sexual thing. I kinda dislike the whole label thing anyway. Just do whatever suits you as a couple and enjoy it!! :) Mrs ezee xx - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
12 years ago
PhilosopherPoet, how would you and your partner feel about attending swinger parties? In that situation you are not limited to playing with one other couple only. You certainly have a choice and you can both play separately or together. At some of the parties that I have attended, only the wives play, some with other guys some with other women. I would not be very comfortable having sex with another man's wife behind his back, however I don't mind doing so at a party because the husband is present, knows what's going on and sometimes watches the action. this may sound like double standards, but that's the way it is.
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inspirit
12 years ago
huh
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'inspirit' huh Attachment in the sense that I recognise that amazing things can come into my life - they arise - endure for some time - and then end..move on etc....;-)Danny x
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RHP User
12 years ago
That you still have yourself down as single.. I've seen your posts and know you're in an open relationship but the average girl who doesn't frequent the forums wouldnt. Maybe you explain it to them via message but if They saw your profile they would have no idea, even the sentence towards the end of your profile saying you are poly could be taken a few ways. Most people who are in an open relationship would at least have a couples profile linked to their singles profile or to each other. Open to me would be actually all out in the open with nothing to hide. other than that, if you can carry on being truly open with each other and communicate freely then I'm sure either way can work, who are we to judge people and their lifestyle choices.
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RHP User
12 years ago
My marriage is open, and we are not opposed to swinging-swapping but have not done it yet...each to their own my like minded sexual friends :) HOWEVER for me, letting my wife play without me present shows ultimate love and trust...sure there may be times I would like to be there and vice versa..the question is this though : is that me wanting to share an experience or control one? We have reached after a lot of baby steps, trial and error, patience and understanding a place where we are comfortable NOT being present when our partner is fucking someone else....and after 12 years we have never been as in love and our sex life is amazing that being said, can't wait to do a full swap, if the stars align that way!
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RHP User
12 years ago
My profile accurately portrays my open marriage...BUT in defence of those who are in open marriages and have profiles saying they are single..I am sure there are plenty of guys in long term relationships (as opposed to 'married ') who post as single without their partners knowledge...so what's worse here? If Piloshepherspoet is searching for partners with a request no strings attached sex, should it be an issue..I have many women, requesting NSA sex, reject my advances (totally fair call) soley because I'm married, even though relationship is open...and so is philospherspoet profile trying to deceive, or just going into the detail that someone searching for NSA should reasonably expect? more baffling to me is the amount of women who are happy to sleep with a married man who is cheating....that go cold as soon as they find out my wife gives her blessing? this has happened to me on numerous occasions? Anyone shed any light on this? One final comment..it seems although this website is for those with a higher state of sexual evolution, that marriage is treated as a very black and white state...surely (discounting those who cheat) there are many out there like me who refuses to let societal norms dictate what my marriage should be. :)
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting '2havemore'we agree,,,,,can not be that much in love to play alone!! even in 3sums when a guy just wants my wife,,she still wants me there,,or wont play..then theres the ones who ask ....'does she play alone'......and when you say 'no'....they spray some ridiculous shit about me being 'possesive and controlling'.....which is so far from the truth its not funny.... neither of us wants ever to play alone, as we share everything...the good, bad, ugly, sad, sexy and even the mundane...its what we thought being in a 'relationship' meant, and so far, its working famously.... no need to explore an 'open' lifestyle....as we enjoy more freedom 'together', than either of us ever could on our own....
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'mikeandshel' Quoting '2havemore'we agree,,,,,can not be that much in love to play alone!! even in 3sums when a guy just wants my wife,,she still wants me there,,or wont play..then theres the ones who ask ....'does she play alone'......and when you say 'no'....they spray some ridiculous shit about me being 'possesive and controlling'.....which is so far from the truth its not funny.... neither of us wants ever to play alone, as we share everything...the good, bad, ugly, sad, sexy and even the mundane...its what we thought being in a 'relationship' meant, and so far, its working famously.... no need to explore an 'open' lifestyle....as we enjoy more freedom 'together', than either of us ever could on our own.... I understand what you are saying - at least I think I do.Your definition of 'relationship' is different to mine and I'm pretty sure our wedding vows were very different to yours to encompass this. It sounds like what you are doing is working for you so great.....but there are many alternate styles of 'relationships' out there that are just as valid and genuine where open and separate play occurs and where we have the freedom to explore other experiences away from the primary partner without fear or jealousy.Each to their own ;-)Danny x
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'Stufu1969' My profile accurately portrays my open marriage...BUT in defence of those who are in open marriages and have profiles saying they are single..I am sure there are plenty of guys in long term relationships (as opposed to 'married ') who post as single without their partners knowledge...so what's worse here? If Piloshepherspoet is searching for partners with a request no strings attached sex, should it be an issue..I have many women, requesting NSA sex, reject my advances (totally fair call) soley because I'm married, even though relationship is open...and so is philospherspoet profile trying to deceive, or just going into the detail that someone searching for NSA should reasonably expect? more baffling to me is the amount of women who are happy to sleep with a married man who is cheating....that go cold as soon as they find out my wife gives her blessing? this has happened to me on numerous occasions? Anyone shed any light on this? One final comment..it seems although this website is for those with a higher state of sexual evolution, that marriage is treated as a very black and white state...surely (discounting those who cheat) there are many out there like me who refuses to let societal norms dictate what my marriage should be. :) I can relate to what you say about women being ok with 'cheating' husbands but as soon they become aware that I am in a very stable and loving open marriage they back off....I also agree that I do not wish to swim with the stream of social conformity - I am always going against the tide and have done since I can recall.Society has a tyically controlling and narrow definition of what a marriage should be - if you do not fit the stencil then you are labelled dysfunctional or the relationship labelled toxic.....Our couples profile (northerntantra) clearly states our intent......Danny
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RHP User
12 years ago
We swing and do the open relationship thing. Both have their pros and cons.
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RHP User
12 years ago
I think this question is very much an "each to their own" thing. For some relationships, an open relationship works well, a lot of the time however, it doesn't work so well. For us, we both don't want to play separately, it doesn't really do anything for either of us. We enjoy the thrill of watching each other with other people and participating as a couple. I personally don't want to have sex with anyone if Mr Otori isn't there, part of the action and he feels the same way. We don't find it restrictive because we are doing exactly what we want to do. So I think if you're doing what you both want to do, enjoy yourselves!
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RHP User
12 years ago
I think if swinging is that important to you and you feel the need to play no matter what and if you can't find couples that suit you, and you MUST play with others, I think that you should not be doing it. It should be something that is enjoyed by you 2 as a couple, if you can't find people and it is that I portent to you, I think you are doing it for all the wrong reasons. It should never be that I portent. All that matters is you and your partner, if for some reason it becomes SO important that you MUST play I say rethink why you are doing it. Leesa xx
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'Otori' I think this question is very much an "each to their own" thing. For some relationships, an open relationship works well, a lot of the time however, it doesn't work so well. For us, we both don't want to play separately, it doesn't really do anything for either of us. We enjoy the thrill of watching each other with other people and participating as a couple. I personally don't want to have sex with anyone if Mr Otori isn't there, part of the action and he feels the same way. We don't find it restrictive because we are doing exactly what we want to do. So I think if you're doing what you both want to do, enjoy yourselves! Good summary - and your last line says it all ;-)Danny x
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RHP User
12 years ago
But, we've found it more "selective" rather than "restrictive" - there are so many couples out there but only a few are right for us. We have an open FWB relationship, and we have been rejected a few times because we don't have the rings, and we don't lead "monogamous" lives (how swingers think of themselves as monogamous is a bit unclear) We understand and respect people's wishes but it doesn't stop us from looking.We play alone and support each other but (like a few other people have mentioned) she feels uncomfortable being with another couple without me. This may be a result of swinging as a couple with other couples, and I can't completely "talk" to her about it as I have only tried, sought, and enjoyed MFM threesomes with her so I don't really have anything to base a solid conversation on. We like watching each other with other people, exploring 1 on 1 on our own, and the sex life between us has never been better, but all of these things are different pleasures - one isn't better than the other (though I ALWAYS look forward to play/sex/pillow talk with her) We revel in the trust and freedom and we know that we'll always come back together, and we wouldn't have it any other way.
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RHP User
12 years ago
I read your post a few times Leesa and you seem to be very judgemental about open relationships.It never fails to amaze me that there is such a low level of tolerance here for how others configure their relationships.People SHOULD do whatever it is that they agree works best for them. PP you seem to have worked out for yourselves what works and what doesn't for you and your partner,some people prefer to only play as a couple,it doesn't appear to be restrictive for them.There are many different permutations of relationships afterall. If it was a one size fits all world,how boring would that be.Accepting that we are all different is in my opinion,the way to look at this.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Not at all, I was talking about a couple , I am the furtherest from judgemental, n fact I am laughing so hard here..lol I live I a polyamory relationship 2 guys my hubby and myself and my boyfriend, my hubby can play if he choices and so can John and I. But we choose not to anymore. Bryan is permitted to play separate if he chooses to. All I did was comment about a couple not an open relationship, I simply was agreeing with otori comment above.
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playfulminx
12 years ago
I think the topic title suggests that the two things are mutually exclusive when for most people I know, the matter is extremely grey. I think a lot of swinging couples dabble in being open as it suits, while other couples are strictly into partner play. Amusingly, some swinging couples find the idea of an open relationship highly offensive (not referring to comments here but in real life) but perhaps that's rooted in feeling a little threatened by the concept that a couple can still be true and loving life partners but pursue sexual partners like a wanton single. It's kinda like a pyramid:Layer 1 - People who don't swing and consider any form of relations with someone outside of the marriage cheatingLayer 2 - People who swing and are comfortable with their partner having relations with other people in that paradigm onlyLayer 3 - People who may or may not swing but are happy for their partner to seek relations outside of the marriage.As open-minded as Layer 2 is about the swinging lifestyle, they are not necessarily OK with what goes on in Layer 3, in the same way Layer 1 is not OK with Layer 2. Yes, I think there is a small number of people who are in an 'open relationship' (ie - partner puts up with it or doesn't really know, or is in denial), but for most part, I don't think an open relationship suggests that either partners aren't as committed to each other as people who live on Layer 1. Layer 2 (for various reasons already covered in posts here I'm sure) isn't always the perfect scenario for all open-minded couples so Layer 3 makes sense.PP: I can appreciate how swinging might seem stifling, particularly if you (or the couples you meet more likely) have rules that dictate exactly how you meet people and exactly how play must happen. It does take the spontaneity out of encounters. I know some couples forbid messages from being answered unless both partners are present in front of the PC screen. I would not swing at all if that's how things had to be :|As far as I'm concerned, being in an open relationship simply enhances things beyond a regular swinging relationship, much in the same way a swinging relationship enhances things beyond a non-swinging relationship. It's just another layer people! Doesn't mean a relationship is in a poorer state for it :|
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'playfulminx' I think the topic title suggests that the two things are mutually exclusive when for most people I know, the matter is extremely grey. I think a lot of swinging couples dabble in being open as it suits, while other couples are strictly into partner play. Amusingly, some swinging couples find the idea of an open relationship highly offensive (not referring to comments here but in real life) but perhaps that's rooted in feeling a little threatened by the concept that a couple can still be true and loving life partners but pursue sexual partners like a wanton single. It's kinda like a pyramid:Well said and agree totally.Leesa xxLayer 1 - People who don't swing and consider any form of relations with someone outside of the marriage cheatingLayer 2 - People who swing and are comfortable with their partner having relations with other people in that paradigm onlyLayer 3 - People who may or may not swing but are happy for their partner to seek relations outside of the marriage.As open-minded as Layer 2 is about the swinging lifestyle, they are not necessarily OK with what goes on in Layer 3, in the same way Layer 1 is not OK with Layer 2. Yes, I think there is a small number of people who are in an 'open relationship' (ie - partner puts up with it or doesn't really know, or is in denial), but for most part, I don't think an open relationship suggests that either partners aren't as committed to each other as people who live on Layer 1. Layer 2 (for various reasons already covered in posts here I'm sure) isn't always the perfect scenario for all open-minded couples so Layer 3 makes sense.PP: I can appreciate how swinging might seem stifling, particularly if you (or the couples you meet more likely) have rules that dictate exactly how you meet people and exactly how play must happen. It does take the spontaneity out of encounters. I know some couples forbid messages from being answered unless both partners are present in front of the PC screen. I would not swing at all if that's how things had to be :|As far as I'm concerned, being in an open relationship simply enhances things beyond a regular swinging relationship, much in the same way a swinging relationship enhances things beyond a non-swinging relationship. It's just another layer people! Doesn't mean a relationship is in a poorer state for it :|
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