F37
The Art of (Sexual) Compromise.
June 22 2015
Comments
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sexyscarlet
10 years ago
From a couple's perpective, I would say that if there's a need for compromise, then that person is not completely happy in their relationship. Whilst I dont recall having to compromise, I certainly remember having to take baby steps when we started swinging until our comfort level reached the current state where we are happy to go with the flow and open to most scenarios provided the right buttons are pushed. Rather than compromise, I consider it adjusting. Much like you Jess, neither of us is willing to change this lifestyle anytime soon ;-) Scarlet xx
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RHP User
10 years ago
Everyone is different. Often relationships fail because one person has interests (sexual or other) that are not shared by the other, and the other person does not allow the flexibility required for the partner to partake in them. The role of compromise is to enable those interests to be accommodated, while still being true (not necessarily exclusive) to each other. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
different for men, or is it? I've certainly never had a partner suggest swinging etc so I missed out and I couldn't handle a monogamous relationship personally - Posted from rhpmobile
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JessicaRabbit
10 years ago
Quoting 'sexyscarlet' From a couple's perpective, I would say that if there's a need for compromise, then that person is not completely happy in their relationship. Whilst I dont recall having to compromise, I certainly remember having to take baby steps when we started swinging until our comfort level reached the current state where we are happy to go with the flow and open to most scenarios provided the right buttons are pushed. Rather than compromise, I consider it adjusting. Much like you Jess, neither of us is willing to change this lifestyle anytime soon ;-) Scarlet xx Yes your situation sounds like the way I imagine it going the majority of the time - learning and experiencing it all for the first time together. But what about for those that already know they're 'bent' that way? What if one is coming in with more experience than the other? Or if they both know that's what they want, is it still sort of necessary to take time just with the two of you before exploring others? I guess that's more what I was curious about Jess xx
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RHP User
10 years ago
...as neither of us knew we were "bent that way" when we got together, 18 years ago...we did have a threesome with another girl 4 or so months into our relationship..it was unplanned, spontaneous, and she made the move...but we went with it...:)it was a lot of fun for the both of us, especially for hubby...lolwe did have one or two more experiences after that...but then for a long time we were lost in each other, and had no desire to include others, till maybe 6-7 years ago... i would imagine though, that for a lot of people, the early stages of their relationship is about exploring each other...learning one another..and that would include each other's likes and dislikes...and most importantly their boundaries...how can you possibly be on the same page with your partner about what's OK and what's not, if you hardly had time to learn about one another?i may be naive here of course, as i grew up in different times...
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RHP User
10 years ago
I actually see three forces in play within relationships. Lust, Romantic Love and Deep Love. Lust is well physical and a urge that needs to be fulfilled. Romantic Love is that initial feeling of bonding with someone. The interesting thing I heard in a TED talk is that apparently with Lust and Romantic Love it creates sexual possessiveness. But as Romantic Love is more about how you feel because the other person likes you, it's actually quite narcissistic in nature. Over time the narcissism cracks and you start to see the real person... and the "shine" comes off. At this point though, you are bonded and bound by Deep Love and well all this becomes necessary to form family bonds for kids. All very healthy stuff. Unfortunately, what I find is that sexual possessiveness fades with the Romantic Love. You just have Lust and Deep Love. But as Deep Love is all about safety, it does not provide the adventures and desires necessary for adventurous Lust. So in this sense, some time to get to know each other and show how valued you find each other is important (you don't feel to valued if the other is sharing their love around to others). But after some time, well re-introduce the adventure ;)
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RHP User
10 years ago
Jessica, what about starting off the relationship with the person simply as a 'playmate'? Under those circumstances you would already lay the foundations of full sexual freedom before any real commitment is made. Your partner would already be accustomed to it being a non-monogamous arrangement, and their experience with an open relationship (or lack thereof) would then no longer be relevant :) - Posted from rhpmobile
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sexyscarlet
10 years ago
Quoting 'JessicaRabbit' Quoting 'sexyscarlet' From a couple's perpective, I would say that if there's a need for compromise, then that person is not completely happy in their relationship. Whilst I dont recall having to compromise, I certainly remember having to take baby steps when we started swinging until our comfort level reached the current state where we are happy to go with the flow and open to most scenarios provided the right buttons are pushed. Rather than compromise, I consider it adjusting. Much like you Jess, neither of us is willing to change this lifestyle anytime soon ;-) Scarlet xx Yes your situation sounds like the way I imagine it going the majority of the time - learning and experiencing it all for the first time together. But what about for those that already know they're 'bent' that way? What if one is coming in with more experience than the other? Or if they both know that's what they want, is it still sort of necessary to take time just with the two of you before exploring others? I guess that's more what I was curious about Jess xx Hypothetically speaking if I was to start dating again; there's a high possibility that it would be a fellow RHP'er, and that should mean that this person would be much more open minded about sexuality and would somewhat share similar views on having multiple partners, making that process hopefully easier. Things are always different with every new partner/fwb and would really depend on how I felt about this person, what kind of chemistry and sexual compatibility we had; whether I'd be willing to compromise or take my time waiting in hope that the significant other reaches the same level of twisted as me :-) Scarlet xx
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'VerticalDancer' I actually see three forces in play within relationships. Lust, Romantic Love and Deep Love. Lust is well physical and a urge that needs to be fulfilled. Romantic Love is that initial feeling of bonding with someone. The interesting thing I heard in a TED talk is that apparently with Lust and Romantic Love it creates sexual possessiveness. But as Romantic Love is more about how you feel because the other person likes you, it's actually quite narcissistic in nature. Over time the narcissism cracks and you start to see the real person... and the "shine" comes off. At this point though, you are bonded and bound by Deep Love and well all this becomes necessary to form family bonds for kids. All very healthy stuff. Unfortunately, what I find is that sexual possessiveness fades with the Romantic Love. You just have Lust and Deep Love. But as Deep Love is all about safety, it does not provide the adventures and desires necessary for adventurous Lust. So in this sense, some time to get to know each other and show how valued you find each other is important (you don't feel to valued if the other is sharing their love around to others). But after some time, well re-introduce the adventure ;) i watched that talk too and found it absolutely fascinating indeed...funny thing with us is that we have no kids (by choice)...so even though we have that "Deep Love" in our relationship of 18 years...the "Romantic Love "has never faded either...we are just as blindly in love as we have ever been...actually much more...as that "Deep Love" is now combined with the other two forces, as you called them...we are free adults, who have decided to explore our sexuality more through playing with others...but at the same time we still know how to keep that adventure alive without the NEED to involve other people..keeping it fresh by introducing new things into our sex life...living out fantasies that involve only the two of us...if we were to walk away from this tomorrow...we would still find that we are capable of providing each other all the adventures we can handle:)
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RHP User
10 years ago
Right now, my relationship is being rocked to it's core. There's definitely another thread due, I need feedback but right now I'm for some reason not comfortable with spilling all on the forums. I asked my partner to swing, I'm more of a sexual being than him in that I am not seeking connection, that's a nice bonus. I do however seek quality sexual partners and am very selective. So he has compromised in order to let me explore, and my journey of exploration in fact became ours, because he came along for the ride. He's now asking for a girlfriend on the side, a vanilla girl he courted with my permission and no doubt has developed a mix of lust and perspective romantic love. Livingitupnow - "if we were to walk away from this tomorrow...we would still find that we are capable of providing each other all the adventures we can handle:)" I think he doesn't believe this is true, that he could be everything to me, when he is in my heart. And he's curious about his own adventure. So I find myself wondering if I should compromise...
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RHP User
10 years ago
Yes, I did not say Romantic Love can't be rekindled. Having a good imagination plays a bit part in this. Plus little surprises here and there help to keep it going... ie putting in effort to show how much you appreciate the other person. What I find is it's about being valued and understanding each other and being accepting of who you each other. Comes to something I recently read in "don't underestimate the erotic power of being understood" :) Unfortunately these days I find people don't want to be real and really know the answers... they might not be accepted by society with those views... oh how sad I feel for these people :p
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JessicaRabbit
10 years ago
Quoting 'JTL_90' Jessica, what about starting off the relationship with the person simply as a 'playmate'? Under those circumstances you would already lay the foundations of full sexual freedom before any real commitment is made. Your partner would already be accustomed to it being a non-monogamous arrangement, and their experience with an open relationship (or lack thereof) would then no longer be relevant :) - Posted from rhpmobile ...done that (sort of), didn't get a T-shirt. I think generally that when you get into a 'relationship' with someone, the rules are not the same as a playmate situation regardless of how it began. Realistically, most relationships start off as a playmate type situation anyway, with people dating casually before deciding to start a relationship - I think they just aren't as open about seeing other people as people you might meet in RHP are. Generalising a lot in all of this, I know.Quoting 'sexyscarlet' Hypothetically speaking if I was to start dating again; there's a high possibility that it would be a fellow RHP'er, and that should mean that this person would be much more open minded about sexuality and would somewhat share similar views on having multiple partners, making that process hopefully easier. In theory that would be lovely, but I've met a lot of people on here that aren't searching for a relationship involving multiple partners and are just here to 'explore' a bit. And of those that are interested in multiple partners, an open relationship is a lot different to a swinging one.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'TokenUtopian' Right now, my relationship is being rocked to it's core. There's definitely another thread due, I need feedback but right now I'm for some reason not comfortable with spilling all on the forums. I asked my partner to swing, I'm more of a sexual being than him in that I am not seeking connection, that's a nice bonus. I do however seek quality sexual partners and am very selective. So he has compromised in order to let me explore, and my journey of exploration in fact became ours, because he came along for the ride. He's now asking for a girlfriend on the side, a vanilla girl he courted with my permission and no doubt has developed a mix of lust and perspective romantic love. Livingitupnow - "if we were to walk away from this tomorrow...we would still find that we are capable of providing each other all the adventures we can handle:)" I think he doesn't believe this is true, that he could be everything to me, when he is in my heart. And he's curious about his own adventure. So I find myself wondering if I should compromise... please forgive me if i didn't quite get what you are saying right...but what i gather is that he compromised to allow you to explore...but now he also wishes to do his own...and although for you playing with others is purely sexual, with no connection required...you think that for him it will be something more than that?
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RHP User
10 years ago
I must admit, I hear a lot from people search for what they want by defining what they don't want. It's kinda I'm going to try and find something that fits by trying every different combination. With 7 billion or so people on the planet, that leaves a lot of combinations to rule out. Personally, I'm looking for someone similar in height to me (ie tall), can keep up with me both physically and mentally, us in touch with their body (which is easy to tell for me on the dance floor), and has a caring and understanding heart when I'm down, but then give me the kick in the arse to get going again. And in regards bedroom antics, just go nuts, but when it comes to cuddle time you always look for me. Basically she can have as many adventures as she likes and accepts my adventures too, but we always find home in each other's arms. Maybe a little mushy, but hey I'm cancerian :p Mind if I ask what you are after? (rather than not what you're after.... they're very different questions with the earlier much harder to answer)
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RHP User
10 years ago
Sounds like the safety of your Deep Love is in question. I would probably take a good look at where you feel unsafe, and have a open conversation with hubby about it. But remember if you opened the door, it does go both ways.
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JessicaRabbit
10 years ago
Quoting 'VerticalDancer' Mind if I ask what you are after? (rather than not what you're after.... they're very different questions with the earlier much harder to answer) On an unrelated note, I went to write VD for your name, then realised that wasn't quite err...right. Hahaha. I don't think that's difficult to answer. In fact, I think that my profile answers that one pretty clearly. It also hints at my reasons for writing this post. I know exactly what I want, I'm just worried that I'll never find it and that I will have to compromise in a 'near enough is good enough' way. I'm wondering if maybe I've missed out on opportunities by not being willing to compromise, or if I've done the right thing. Although that's not really a question anyone can answer for me.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Well at last medical check I am clean... Though for my dance moves... certainly dirty :p ... boom tish... I'll be hear all night folks... try the beef, tastes great :p Anyway, on more serious note I'd be happy to comment but JR your profile seems unavailable to me :(
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'JessicaRabbit' Quoting 'VerticalDancer' Mind if I ask what you are after? (rather than not what you're after.... they're very different questions with the earlier much harder to answer) I don't think that's difficult to answer. In fact, I think that my profile answers that one pretty clearly. It also hints at my reasons for writing this post. I know exactly what I want, I'm just worried that I'll never find it and that I will have to compromise in a 'near enough is good enough' way. I'm wondering if maybe I've missed out on opportunities by not being willing to compromise, or if I've done the right thing. Although that's not really a question anyone can answer for me. ......me too.
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RHP User
10 years ago
maybe when you meet someone who really rocks your world and you fall in love...... maybe it won't feel so much like a compromise.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'livingitupnow' please forgive me if i didn't quite get what you are saying right...but what i gather is that he compromised to allow you to explore...but now he also wishes to do his own...and although for you playing with others is purely sexual, with no connection required...you think that for him it will be something more than that? That's it. In a nutshell. Quoting 'VerticalDancer' Sounds like the safety of your Deep Love is in question. I would probably take a good look at where you feel unsafe, and have a open conversation with hubby about it. But remember if you opened the door, it does go both ways. Yep, I've been a wreck, am obviously much more hung up on the concept of one love/monogamory (?) than I ever realised. He's been working very hard to let me know our love is safe, I know he believes that but we'll be treading unchartered waters and at the moment my trust is fragile as we'd developed rules to avoid getting in this situation and the one time we bent the rules we've found ourselves where I thought we'd mutually not want to be... So today, I stopped crying. Thought 'fuck it', have let him know it could be months before I'm ready to make the compromise and make the next step and it feels like it is the way forward.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I've spent about 10 days insisting it was a dealbreaker...
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Violetincredible
10 years ago
My thoughts... If you compromise you get one thing and you miss out on other things... If you don't compromise you get lots of things and miss out on one thing... Whatever way you miss out on things... It just depends on what you want most and how much you value your own personal dreams over what you could have with someone else... I'm not sure if this makes sense đł I hope it does Xxviolet
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RHP User
9 years ago
I came across two sayings that I hold onto in these times of will I ever find what I'm after : "one day someone is going to walk into your life and you're going to realise why it did not work with anyone else", and the second "soulmates inevitably find each other because they hide in the same places". But yes waiting for this to happen just plain sucks. All you can do is be the person you believe you are, keep dusting yourself off and keep getting out there. In regards to compromise, well for me it's what you are willing to give up to secure what you want I'd the real test of what you want. Icing on the cake makes you fat... but once in a while it's a nice indulgence ;)
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JessicaRabbit
9 years ago
Quoting 'Meeka100'maybe when you meet someone who really rocks your world and you fall in love...... maybe it won't feel so much like a compromise.Nah I don't believe that whole falling in love and giving up everything and living happily ever after. I've been in love before and that's not enough to keep someone (well, me anyway) in a relationship that isn't meeting all of their needs. I'm just getting to that age where everyone is either shacked up or looking to, and I don't think I'll ever want that. Maybe my priorities will change in time though and it won't see so terrifying giving up my sexual freedom. Quoting 'Violetincredible' My thoughts... If you compromise you get one thing and you miss out on other things... If you don't compromise you get lots of things and miss out on one thing... Whatever way you miss out on things... It just depends on what you want most and how much you value your own personal dreams over what you could have with someone else... I'm not sure if this makes sense đł I hope it does Xxviolet You always make perfect sense gorgeous, I guess the grass is always greener on the other side and that 'one thing' can seem like a lot when it isn't there any more. Lots to fill you in on when we see each other next x VerticalDancer this is the section in my profile I'm referring to that I think is pretty clear about what I'm after:Pretty crushed by a recent long-term fwb situation ending, so it's back to the drawing board unfortunately. It was the ideal situation so I'm looking to replicate it: I'm looking for a regular friend with benefits (or 2? Ha! Wishful thinking?) to hang out with for social and sexy fun. I guess you could say I'm looking for the 'boyfriend experience' (i.e. sex, sleepovers and social friendship) without the commitment. Don't freak out when I use that term - I don't want a relationship, but I love sex and I love dating and it's always better with a connection. I just want to be able to do all of those things with whoever I want, whenever I want.
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RHP User
9 years ago
I'm out of a long term marriage and have my kids. I'm in no rush to get back into a committed relationship anytime too soon. I've actually been celibate this year just to get my focuses back into living a single life... but as the months pass, someone who is willing to provide the girlfriend experience would be ideal for me... (also because I'm working through a few things and can't commit to anything serious until resolved, but always up for lots of laughs, lots of sex and on occasion the cuddles in front of a fire watching a DVD - though I seldom do this as dancing most of the time... even better if you might be interested in joining me dancing). Anyway, always happy to grab a quick no pressure drink after work to see if there's any chemistry (sorry for posting in the forums, but your profile is unavailable to message)
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RHP User
9 years ago
I wasn't suggesting that you have to give it all up. I hope that you do fall in love with a someone who is as much of a free spirit as you are.. but as always being with some body else requires some comprise and you have to work at it. So I wasn't suggesting that you have to be monogamous and have 2.5 kids. Even two free spirits will have different ideas on how things should be. Yeah? I hope you don't give up on somebody really wonderful just because his view isn't 100% the same as yours. Being so free can get a bit lonely at times. Wait until you are in your 40's and everyone you know is married with kids and there are not so many great guys out there looking for a woman who isn't interested in committing some part of herself.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'VerticalDancer' I came across two sayings that I hold onto in these times of will I ever find what I'm after : "one day someone is going to walk into your life and you're going to realise why it did not work with anyone else", and the second "soulmates inevitably find each other because they hide in the same places". But yes waiting for this to happen just plain sucks. All you can do is be the person you believe you are, keep dusting yourself off and keep getting out there. In regards to compromise, well for me it's what you are willing to give up to secure what you want I'd the real test of what you want. Icing on the cake makes you fat... but once in a while it's a nice indulgence ;) I love these quotes. LOL... I am feeling all smoochy tonight.
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RHP User
9 years ago
I made the decision to 'just do it'... instead of fighting my fears to let go. Already 24 hours after making the decision, I am happier, we are more centred, I have realised that I'm just allowing my mind to sit in the 'what if' worst case scenarios instead of how things 'could' pan out. Compromise may mean me sacrificing something that I felt I needed to hold onto tightly but I might just have been about to squeeze the life out of it anyway. If it all implodes it'll still be a more interesting, respectful and experimental experience than if I had stayed fighting the unknown. I guess that's why there are a few inspirational quotes out there about surrender, not that I can think of any...
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JessicaRabbit
9 years ago
Quoting 'Meeka100' I wasn't suggesting that you have to give it all up. I hope that you do fall in love with a someone who is as much of a free spirit as you are.. but as always being with some body else requires some comprise and you have to work at it. So I wasn't suggesting that you have to be monogamous and have 2.5 kids. Even two free spirits will have different ideas on how things should be. Yeah? I hope you don't give up on somebody really wonderful just because his view isn't 100% the same as yours. Being so free can get a bit lonely at times. Wait until you are in your 40's and everyone you know is married with kids and there are not so many great guys out there looking for a woman who isn't interested in committing some part of herself. I think you've definitely hit the nail on the head. Seeing people already getting married with kids, I'm starting to wonder if I need to be more flexible. Guess I'm holding out hope that I'll find that 'free spirit' you mentioned, but worried I've already let somebody really wonderful slip through my fingers because I wasn't willing to compromise...Lots to think about! I appreciate your input x Quoting 'TokenUtopian' I made the decision to 'just do it'... instead of fighting my fears to let go. Already 24 hours after making the decision, I am happier, we are more centred, I have realised that I'm just allowing my mind to sit in the 'what if' worst case scenarios instead of how things 'could' pan out. Compromise may mean me sacrificing something that I felt I needed to hold onto tightly but I might just have been about to squeeze the life out of it anyway. If it all implodes it'll still be a more interesting, respectful and experimental experience than if I had stayed fighting the unknown. I guess that's why there are a few inspirational quotes out there about surrender, not that I can think of any... That's great TokenUtopian! I really hope it all works out for you x Jess xx
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RHP User
9 years ago
That unless you are in a monogamous relationship or a relationship in which there is some from of commitment, then you are effectively living a single life and there is no point in compromising. But I must say Jessica, your post and your profile is quite confusing. In your profile you say you want the boyfriend experience and 'connection', but what is left when you take emotion, feeling and commitment/compromise out of a relationship?........you are effectively living a single life with multiple sex partners. If that's what you want, then live that life........but deep down, I suspect that it's not what you want and that love scares you. Just my two cents
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JessicaRabbit
9 years ago
Quoting 'Fit73' what is left when you take emotion, feeling and commitment/compromise out of a relationship?........you are effectively living a single life with multiple sex partners. If that's what you want, then live that life........but deep down, I suspect that it's not what you want and that love scares you. Just my two cents Don't agree with what you've said here at all (well, the end part, yes, but I'll get to that!). I don't recall ever saying that I wanted to take emotion and feeling out of the equation in either my profile or my post? In fact, (to me) that's what a 'connection' means. Who says that you can't have emotion and feeling in the kind of situation that i'm looking for? Yes, you prefaced with 'I think', which means you're only stating your opinion, but have you heard of polyamory? Don't agree with it? Perhaps your idea of 'commitment' differs to some others? What is 'commitment' to you? In this case, it sounds like you're referring to only sexual commitment? I wouldn't maintain a long-term 'relationship' of any kind with someone that I didn't have some sort of emotional connection with. I just don't necessarily think that emotion and feeling has to be contained to just one person. On the other hand, perhaps my post and profile are confusing because I myself am confused And you're damn right love scares me! It's terrifying. I've made sacrifices in the past that I knew were never going to work because of it and ended up in situations that were crushing, so it's something I actively avoid. I don't like not being in control of my emotions and having it cloud my judgement. 'Like' and 'lust' is where i'm perfectly comfortable and content. Jess xx
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'JessicaRabbit' Don't agree with what you've said here at all (well, the end part, yes, but I'll get to that!). I don't recall ever saying that I wanted to take emotion and feeling out of the equation in either my profile or my post? In fact, (to me) that's what a 'connection' means. Who says that you can't have emotion and feeling in the kind of situation that i'm looking for? Yes, you prefaced with 'I think', which means you're only stating your opinion, but have you heard of polyamory? Don't agree with it? Perhaps your idea of 'commitment' differs to some others? What is 'commitment' to you? In this case, it sounds like you're referring to only sexual commitment? I wouldn't maintain a long-term 'relationship' of any kind with someone that I didn't have some sort of emotional connection with. I just don't necessarily think that emotion and feeling has to be contained to just one person. On the other hand, perhaps my post and profile are confusing because I myself am confused And you're damn right love scares me! It's terrifying. I've made sacrifices in the past that I knew were never going to work because of it and ended up in situations that were crushing, so it's something I actively avoid. I don't like not being in control of my emotions and having it cloud my judgement. 'Like' and 'lust' is where i'm perfectly comfortable and content. Jess xx You say in your profile that the ending of your last FWB crushed you.......so that's telling me that perhaps you deny the intensity of the feelings you develop even when it's a FWB. You deny those feelings in order to be in control of your emotions which is in turn designed to avoid falling in love and potentially being hurt. When the end of a relationship 'crushes' you, it suggests that you are making a deeper commitment than you allow yourself to believe. I sense you are a woman who deep down yearns to love and be loved but is so scared of it that you have built a wall so high to protect yourself that it's now become hard to dismantle and has become a part of who you are. Is wanting sexual freedom really what you want or is that the excuse that keeps you 'safe' from your fear of love. Just some thoughts for you to think about because that's what characterised my 20's and 30's........'sexual freedom' which was really masquerading my fear of love. xx
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RHP User
9 years ago
Jessica, I don't know your situation, but I can relate to issues with love. Let's just say at age 9 I was not ever going to have normal sex life without intervention. And sadly from age 0 I was not going to have a normal life of loving relationships without intervention. But I'm doing the healing work and realise in all this that these things happened to me but do not define me. I get "like" and "sex", it's adventurous and fun. It's also very safe in keeping distance to others. Connection comes from being able to share your most inner secrets and fears with someone, and be accepted and loved for who you are. My guess is you need to find someone who you are willing to do this with. Personally, I have spread my network wide and share with many (just as in this post). But we all connect differently. You just have to find your way :)
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JessicaRabbit
9 years ago
Well Doc, now we're getting deep! Shall I lie down on the couch? It looks rather familiar, I think i've seen it a movie before perhaps? ...Is that a stain? No, in seriousness, I knew I had strong feelings for the FWB that ended recently, - but not strong enough for me to forget how past relationships ended by hoping that in compromising i'd 'eventually' get what I wanted. I was getting everything that I wanted out of that arrangement and it was perfect (for me). Sexual freedom really is what I want, it's not just a cover - I've had 3 long-term relationships (not FWB - monogamous and swinging relationships) end purely because of sexual differences. Seems to be a constant issue. I'm actually starting to worry that something might just be broken in me. Deep emotion makes me...uncomfortable. Jess xx
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Violetincredible
9 years ago
You are incredibly smart, strong and ambitious... You have a lot that you have worked incredibly hard for that could be effected if you compromise. In my opinion you are being realistic and prudent. Xxviolet
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RHP User
9 years ago
I have comprised a lot of my life away doing what others love and really its my fault. That changed when I turned 30, I started to care about me more and I began to change. If something is of value to me I won't compromise it. Those days are over.
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RHP User
9 years ago
I like relationships, I like one on one. I guess I'm a bit weird I love finding that one girl and seeing her orgasm. So I try and find as many ways as possible to make her cum. That normally leads to fantasies and let's face it they lead to threesomes and other stuff. If the reason to have sex with some one is to make them cum then some compromise is needed I just wonder how relationships survive some of the compromises. Easier to have compromises when your single.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Do you think when you have that one person it's less of a compromise more of you just wanting to build that perfect relationship so you try and learn what turns a partner on
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RHP User
9 years ago
Samual Jackson put it... "Remarrying is the triumph of hope over experience". Having been hurt in the past it takes time to trust again. But don't let a past relationship hurt a present one. I'm guessing if you really wanted more you would be asking for more from your recent relationship. Or is it that new found freedom and having to deal with the rough to find another diamond is making you reconsider a compromise?
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RHP User
9 years ago
We are naturally polygamous but by nurture we become monogamous. One is not better than the other - you live with what makes you happy, if monogamy is your slice of cake than eat it. Personally I'm a buffet type person. Not the greedy buffet type person, I like to try a bit of everything. Cake isn't enough.
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RHP User
9 years ago
I dont know, everyone seems to be complicating the subject. It isnt that deep, if you both get turned on by acting out your sexual fantasies and you are cool with it the relationship will continue. A relationship is a relationship and when it isnt, it finishes.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Whilst I've certainly compromised in relationships in the past, both sexually and non sexually the question is ' is it a good thing' Compromise will always occur in any form of relationship but when you compromise a part of yourself and it makes you unhappy then it is never worth it. No matter how much love is in the relationship if it hurts, or you lose part of who you are it's time to leave.
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MsJonesy
9 years ago
You said....I just don't necessarily think that emotion and feeling has to be contained to just one person. I totally agree. I think you mentioned polyamory somewhere as well. It's not easy to find someone who is happy with that arrangement and is probably a topic broached sooner rather than later. Does it mean you have to have a central relationship - no not at all. But it is usually where it starts. The other comment which caught my eye.... And you're damn right love scares me! It's terrifying. I've made sacrifices in the past that I knew were never going to work because of it and ended up in situations that were crushing, so it's something I actively avoid. I don't like not being in control of my emotions and having it cloud my judgement. 'Like' and 'lust' is where i'm perfectly comfortable and content. That avoidance of love may be the issue. From reading all your posts on this thread there seems to be a link in your eyes between commitment and love. They can be linked and they can be exist separately. I'll be honest here, I am in a relationship of this sort at the moment. But we still do our own thing, we still have separate lovers or are seeking them, we discuss many many things including lovers and friends and life and commitment and how the hell did we get where we are. But none of it would have happened if we did not have the courage to go out on a limb and let the emotions out. I adore my friends, I adore the many friends we have in common. But it took courage to admit the emotions, and to not be afraid of the consequences. For me it's all negotiable; no one person will ever probably be 'everything' to me and I don't expect that I will be that 'everything' to one person. So it's not compromise in my view, it's just recognition that one person cannot be all to another.
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ppiffle3934
9 years ago
I have thought long and hard about whether to add my story to the mix. Jessica I apologise if I am off topic but I do feel it has some relevence to your thread. I think when I read TokenUtopianâs comments it struck a cord. Iâd like to stress this is my experience and only my experience and does not necessarily reflect on anyone elses. I apologise in advance as it will be a long post! I was married for 30 years, the first 20 being monogamous. Our relationship was full of love, lust and great sexual exploration between the two if us. After talking about our fantasies we took a very slow path into the world of swinging. Baby steps as many couples do until feeling more comfortable to explore further. Very much in love with each other, and confident in our relationship, not looking to replace something that was missing but more to enhance what we had. My husbandâs fantasies were more about seeing me with other men but being very much being a part of the experience. It was exciting and although I always knew how much of a sexual being I was it awakened those feelings even more. I had always worried about would I feel jealous seeing him with another woman, but found because we shared the experiences I had no such feelings. Rather I felt closer and more in love with him and he with me. We started out meeting couples, but found it difficult meeting people where there was a connection between all four of us. My husband never saw himself as a great lover or a stud, he was more the romantic type of lover compared to me being more âlost in the momentâ lustful one. So we decided to find another men to share the experiences with. We found one particular man who we both had a great connection with. My husband asked me did I want to âdateâ him, and no I didnât, knowing my nature I wanted it to remain that he was a lover not a boyfriend type thing. I had the romance and the dating with my husband so I wasnât looking for that, nor did I want to âblurâ the lines or compromise my marriage. Over time we âbranched outâ so to speak into more of an open relationship where we would see others separately, always after discussion and only with each others permission. Alas, due to being female I had more opportunity than my husband for meeting men than he did meeting women. Again the agenda was more about sexual exploration than romantic involvement. He then found he liked a single âvanillaâ girl he met through work and wanted the opportunity to see her. Due to my husbandâs romantic nature and that the girl was âvanillaâ and not from the world of swinging etc this took on the form of âdatingâ. I gave my blessing wanting him to enjoy the opportunity as he had âallowedâ me to. The only involvement I had was meeting her and being involved in the planning of his dates. Did I compromise? Yes, to some degree as I wasnât too sure about the whole dating thing, but I loved him and trusted in the love he had for me, wanting him to enjoy the freedom and have fun. We always talked about any arrangement and it was only on total agreement between us that he saw her. Boundaries were agreed upon. Dates started out as going out to dinner and then having sex before returning home to me. Within a short space of time this then became a regular arrangement. At this time we were still seeing the one guy we had started with but not as much together as before, and it seemed my husband wasnât as interested as before probably because he was caught up in the vanilla girl. I occasionally saw this guy on my own though for sex. The lines were not blurred for me. Anyway, trying to cut a long story short.... dinner and sex then home turned into time away in a hotel for a couple of days as she was becoming more involved and the questions of âwhy canât I see you moreâ etc etc were becoming more frequent. Long phone conversations between the two of them. Long talks between the two of us. Boundaries were being blurred, goal posts kept changing and I found I was compromising more and more. Assurances of how he could only do this because of our love. I was becoming increasingly uncomfortable with the arrangement and tensions lead to discussions as he tried to please everyone but didnât seem to be doing a good job of it. I felt he wasnât protecting âusâ. What had started out as a bit of fun and explorations of sex and enhancing what we had was turning into how is this enhancing âusâ and Iâm not having fun! Arguments, unhappiness as I didnât feel my feelings were being taken into account at all. I wanted him to stop seeing her but wanted him to make that decision rather than me making him. I knew she had fallen in love with him, and it seemed he had fallen in love with her,suddenly he was talking poly relationship but I must have missed that discussion. They ended, I thought we would be ok. Initially I thought all was ok with us. Secrecy and lies on his part that I discovered. I no longer felt I could trust him. I no longer felt assured of our love or his commitment to our marriage. He felt we needed to have a trial separation , time apart, âin order to find our way back to each otherâ. Assurances that there was no one else. Within six months of our separation he was back with her. They eventaully married.. and divorced three years later. I believed we had an enduring love, good communication, honesty and openness, that we were soul mates. We did at one time but something happened along the way. Was he looking for something more that he hadnât told me? I donât know. I felt we had it all and I thought he felt the same way. I was not aware of any problems in our relationship before this. He fell in love with someone else, it happens in monogamous relationships as it does in any relationship. For any who have read this far, thanks, I donât share my story lightly, and it is in no way to say it happy endings arenât possible. Sometimes there is a price to pay for compromise, well for me there was. In the end you have to be true to yourself and be clear on what you will and wonât accept.
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RHP User
9 years ago
I don't have an example that specifically addresses the question in your OP, but I've been reading the thread with interest because I can empathise with parts of what you've shared about yourself. I spent my life from my late teens to my early 30s in relationships that I often knew weren't right and I let myself become utterly consumed by them. I effectively lost my identity and I had no chance to work out what it was that I really want. I've been single for nearly 4 years now and I've realised that if I do ever get into another relationship, I don't want it to be the traditional monogamous situation (plus there will be many other things different about it compared to my previous attempts). However, I'm also scared of losing myself again in a relationship, of losing that control that I've managed to claw back for myself over the last few years. I find it quite difficult to express my emotions to other people and to share certain parts of myself, and I know that to have another (successful) relationship I will have to learn to overcome those barriers. I'm working on it, time will tell I guess. Although you may have other things you need to work out, it is great that you already have a strong idea of what you do and don't want at such a young age. I really admire your convictions and your obviously fierce independence... and I wish you all the very best for your future, no matter how you decide to live it.
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RHP User
9 years ago
I entered into a 'relationship' with someone I met here while still married and yet I had the temerity to expect my lover to stay faithful! Yes, I know it was a double standard (because I was never asked to be faithful) and I was naive. I thought I had made it plain what the 'rules' of our relationship were. Obviously not. :( If I were to get into a relationship with anyone else, I doubt the completely monogamous road would be the one I'd choose, even though I can be monogamous - I was for 18 years! I think it's true however, as others have said, that you probably need to spend the initial years of a serious relationship with someone working out boundaries and getting to really trust the other so you feel secure enough to swing. I think there is nothing more generous or loving than watching your partner fucking someone else in your presence and being happy they are getting pleasured. Unfortunately, I'm probably way too insecure to allow that to happen. I am still seeking the 'one', but he'll have to be at least as open minded as the general population here. I tried vanilla dating sites and I just can't bear how controlling the men are - not for me at all! So if there was any compromising to be had, any man brave enough to take me on would need to understand that occasionally I'd like to satisfy my needs elsewhere. And maybe if we had that kind of open and honest communication I've been searching for all my life, I may just be willing to grant him the same deal.
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tylannister
9 years ago
Thanks for sharing your story, it was a powerful view into how people and their relationships change. Sometimes it's hard to see the compromises you've made until after you've made them. Like Meeka said early on, when you fall in love, it doesn't always feel like a compromise. And you never know how your feelings on things may change once you're with a person. And yeah, sometimes you regret the compromises you made with someone. But other times the compromises you made may open new doors and new experiences you never knew were out there.
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JessicaRabbit
9 years ago
Quoting 'kissk' For me it's all negotiable; no one person will ever probably be 'everything' to me and I don't expect that I will be that 'everything' to one person. So it's not compromise in my view, it's just recognition that one person cannot be all to another. It's finding someone/s that agree with that...that's the difficult part! It might be an ego thing - no one wants to feel like they aren't 'enough' or that they're easily replaceable, I guess. Ppiffle3934 thank you so much for sharing your story. You absolutely answered my question and it's great to see a response based on personal experience - although I am sorry to hear how it all turned out for you. Luck_Dragon, it sounds like we have a lot in common! I think I have such a strong idea about what I want because I got into 'the scene' early so have experienced a lot and learnt what I do and don't want, not just sexually but out of a relationship having been in relationships of different descriptions. I think my fierce independence is a big part of the problem though LOL! 40DeeD the part about spending the initial years with someone being monogamous (at least that's how I interpreted what you said) is the compromise that I feel i'm not willing to make. Then again, insecurity and jealousy have never really been an issue for me. I've enjoyed seeing/hearing about partners with others. Jessxx
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JessicaRabbit
9 years ago
Thanks so much to those that have messaged me privately to share their stories and advice without contributing to the thread. Jessxx
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