F56
The OTHER Woman
June 23 2013
Comments
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RHP User
11 years ago
This is a difficult question to answer. It's all about your expectations and how much time the other person is willing or can give you. If you can't accept that they are only yours on a temporary basis then you best get out now while you can because a lot of heart ache will probably come your way. I would have to see someone most weeks otherwise I would be very unhappy, but that's me. It's easier when you still continue to see other people......... and maybe bring him along to some of your dates. Actually where do you think I get all my dating advice. But I suppose my situation is a little different to most.
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RHP User
11 years ago
I know where you're coming from...it does get VERY hard to keep emotions in check...ive crossed the line, but we got to a good place thankfully. I now allow myself some feelings-but not a lot, its hard to put into words...I agree with Meeka it helps if the Mistress can have someone more permanent in her life to compensate for the lonliness when theyre not meeting. I have other ways of dealing with it..
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RHP User
11 years ago
a mistress or a lover?In my opinion they are vastly different. A mistress is a woman who is financially supported by her lover. A woman who is financially independent is not a mistress,she is a lover. The other title for a mistress used to be ''kept woman''.....I have been a lover,never a mistress,not because I have a problem with being a kept woman,just never found a man rich enough or brave enough to keep me
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RHP User
11 years ago
I thought Mistress as in the man is her submissive. Oops I have a one track mind. I am not a mistress in either case. I am a lover and friend.
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madotara69
11 years ago
karynb, your question has bought about a funny scene from a movie (can't remember which), where a gangster explained his need to have a mistress, as she could do things with him that were forbidden to his wife, being the mother that kisses his children with those lips.Mado
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RHP User
11 years ago
you are both correct, Mistress can be used either way...in the above case perhaps a Mistress in the lover sense....not Domme sense....but we would need to confirm that....Mekka for the record my mind was with yours...
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sweetgem
11 years ago
Immediately after my divorce, I met a married man from a website similar to RHP. We started off very casually and none of us wanted anything serious, because he was married and I had just come out of a terrible marriage, so the arrangement was purely sexual. We maintained this casual sexual arrangement for a year until one day we suddenly realised that we had been seeing each other a lot more frequent, texting and chatting more than before, and he also told me that he had developed feelings for me and actually said the 3 magic words to me. I was very surprised, but I tagged along because I needed company and sex. Of course I liked the man too, but didn't love him. We went on to maintain our underground relationship for over a year and we had no dramas at all in terms of getting caught by his family, because I never wanted a future with him and he couldn't leave his family. So we both had our own lives. For all the times that the man and I were together, I got zero financial and minimum emotional support from him nor much gifts or any material stuff, just good company and sexual needs. So I classified myself as a FWB, not a mistress nor lover, in this experience. Anyways, to answer karynb's two questions, I think in order to be a good Mistress, a woman must: 1) not have emotional baggage or unfinished business in her life, so she still can continue to be independent; 2) knows exactly what she wants from the arrangement to start with; 3) be a strong person mentally in order to resist feelings or the urge for wanting more; 4) not be evil or carries grudge/hatred aganist the man to which she wants to break his marriage. She must be able to let go when the time is up! Although I didn't love the man, I did like and care for him to a certain extend. And as a caring and passionate person, I did find it difficult to cope with the lack of availability. Hence, I kept close to a group of friends, attended social outings as much as I could and set some short term goals to achieve, etc. just something to keep me busy and be around people, so I wouldn't think of him much as well as keeping my options open and making myself available too lol- Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
A Mistress will fully be aware of complexities of sensual interaction with her Host and be able to bring any personal innermost desires into her full observation and therefore control..As the Mistress will be lavished with comforts fully taken care of by Mr Du Pont, so will the Mistress be discharged and paid a nest egg amount....to leave.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Very well said indeed SweetGem.
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On_Safari
11 years ago
Regardless I have fallen in love with my long term paramours. I tend toward knowing my men intimately and prefer not to be held at arms length. My first "affair" I was single and 22, he was married and 35. It lasted 5yrs, relocations throughout Queensland and a pregnancy. I realised when it was over that I never looked at him and saw someone else's husband or father just an incredibly intelligent and sexy man I wanted to spend time with. We used to meet regularly then when I relocated monthly. I was pretty busy and work kept me occupied. When I met "Satan" I broke it off with him only to relocate back to where he was and we recommenced where we left off with the same passionate heat as before. It lasted another 2yrs then life took over and once single again we didn't continue. He is still a friend now and was at my wedding. Yes I loved this man, so much I physically ached for him. Did he feel as intensely for me, no. Did I want to complicate his existence, no. Did I keep our baby, no. Any regrets? No, it was what I wanted at the time. I actually had 2 ex-lovers at my wedding, am friends with one's wife and know all thier kids. I adore these people and consider them close friends, and on occassion when I've needed advice the boys are always there to use as a sounding board. I have loved a man who died after 2yrs of indulging me who I now measure all others against and he was spectacular. My current lover is exquisite, I have grown to care for him very much and I'm not looking forward to being let go but he will let me go and I will let him. Someone said on another post about Goodbye's that people come and go from your life. I'd really rather let the memories be good ones instead of causing a graceless scene because I'm losing someone I have grown to "feel" for. It's a hazardous occupation this "Lover, Mistress, FWB" thing. In answer Karyn: A good Mistress doesn't ask for what can't be given but just makes the most of the here and now and will set her love free when it is time without drama and accept it. Yes it'll hurt but that's the price you pay when you blur the lines. As for his unavailability that's what RHP is for :) and as Sweetgem said, you bury yourself in doing other things and just getting on with life. Much love Safari
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Mischeviouslad
11 years ago
Not judging the woman subject of this topic in any way, but I am the practical kind of person who asks himself... ..."what is the ultimate conclusion to this course of action". 5 years is a VERY long time for an independent person with feelings for a guy to live in limboland.... waiting for.... what?! So to quote Frank Barone.... "if you have a problem with your woman(or man)... you don't solve that problem by getting another woman". DG DG
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RHP User
11 years ago
1. Keep it to yourself2. You don't develop feelings for them. It's just sex.I guess if feelings develop, leave the situation. Emotions will fuck it up.Think of yourself as an actress and you won't get hurt.Sleep with men you like the look of, not get along with.Hope that helps, girl x
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RHP User
11 years ago
Karynb, assuming that by mistress you mean lover/other woman as opposed to BDSM "mistress"..1. Overall, the right circumstances. I believe affairs can be successful in that they fulfil the needs of both parties, but there are a lot of variables that need to come together for it to work long term. More specifically, in my opinion and experience, the most important thing for the other woman/lover is to be emotionally strong. More than just being confident or independent, she needs to have an incredibly strong sense of self, be able to stand her ground, hold her own and look after herself - really look after herself (because in an affair there's no one else to do that for you).2. This comes back to point 1. It's not about "managing" the unavailability of someone - it's how you accept (or don't accept) that they are unavailable. A strong, self-aware woman will be able to accept that she cares about someone who most likely cannot or will not give her what she wants/needs in one aspect or another - be it time, emotional or physical commitment, honesty, romance etc. She will understand that and be okay with it, knowing that she gets other things that she wants/needs out of the relationship (i.e. sex, money, a particular lifestyle etc).If you can't accept this, then it's probably time to get the hell out of dodge, before you get too badly hurt. I had an affair with a married man for 18 months. It damn near killed me, because I am very emotional and wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm self aware, but not so strong. I went through a cycle of pining for him, loathing myself for it, asking myself all these useless questions (like why why why), then pining, loathing, questions etc. I was lucky that he ended his marriage and ultimately chose to be with me. If he hadn't, I would probably have continued to hollow out my existence and endure a whole lot more pain for another 18 months before I finally got the strength to say NO and walk away.
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On_Safari
11 years ago
Quoting: "I am very emotional and wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm self aware, but not so strong. I went through a cycle of pining for him, loathing myself for it, asking myself all these useless questions (like why why why), then pining, loathing, questions etc" The vicious cycle....This is where the select few friends help. I get over my tizzies once I realise how bloody stupid I'm being. Forbidden fruit and I am like a moth to a flame. Someday I will grow out of it. Am overjoyed that yours was a happy ending. Can I also clarify that the "wife" I am friends with became a friendship after the affair. She's a gorgeous lady. I have never sought out a friends partner, that's wrong. And for some stupid reason I keep telling myself "married" men are "safer" because you can't have them!!- Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
I should probably clarify a few things. I meant mistress as in Lover, not sure why i used the old fashioned term, except maybe as it's been ongoing for a while with no intention of becoming more. I guess in my mind a lover is often the pathway to a more formal relationship? He does not give financial support. She is completely independant. She does live a full life not a "hollowed out existence" and although she would welcome him with open arms were he to leave his wife, also accepts that this will not happen. My own experiences have led me to wonder how the hell she manages it so sucesfully.
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RHP User
11 years ago
I should probably clarify a few things. I meant mistress as in Lover, not sure why i used the old fashioned term, except maybe as it's been ongoing for a while with no intention of becoming more. I guess in my mind a lover is often the pathway to a more formal relationship? He does not give financial support. She is completely independant. She does live a full life not a "hollowed out existence" and although she would welcome him with open arms were he to leave his wife, also accepts that this will not happen. My own experiences have led me to wonder how the hell she manages it so sucesfully.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Whenever I am in a situation where I want more from a man or situation and it's not delivering... I get bored of it after awhile and I eventually end up giving it the flick. One can only hope that you come to that conclusion sooner than later. As for mistresses that are exclusive with their married lover, I don't think long term it's a good thing. At the end of the day he will always have the wife and what will the woman be left with? Not much but a lot of wasted years where she didn't spend time looking for someone(s) who will put her first and love her. You shouldn't ever stop looking for happiness or stop striving for what you actually want from a relationship or your sex life. Your mind and heart are not truly open when you are caught up with the married man. I know how it is. :)
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RHP User
11 years ago
Maybe it suits her lifestyle?
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RHP User
11 years ago
I would like to think I'm a lover and a friend to a wonderful man.. Yes feelings has to be expected but always have to be in checked.. Sometimes it's hard as he is an amazing person and a lovable man.. :) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
How does she manage it so successfully? Sounds like she's emotionally strong, secure in herself and very self aware. Good on her.
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ruby_blossum
11 years ago
not really, but the age that I am, growing up (read teen years) a Mistress was a 'kept' woman.A man paid for all his Mistress's living costs to leave her free at all times for him to call upon her when hefelt like it.Now, I dont think there are many of that type of arrangements these days as women can make it farrrrrrrrrrrr to easy for a man to have casual sex.However, in answer to your questions according to my version of a Mistress....1. What does it take to be a good Mistress ... Enough $'s to cover my cost of living. 2. How do you manage the unavailability of someone once you care about them? ... You would just have to deal with it.Now my answers according to my feelings about being a Mistress in 2013.1. What does it take to be a good Mistress... I have no idea as I have never found myself in that situation. 2. How do you manage the unavailability of someone once you care about them?....you dont, you find yourself someone else to care about, usually a single man.As far your update Mistress = Lover....Your friend, or anyone in this situation, must be happy with it else they would end it.If they are happy being someone's "bit on the side" fine.If not, then the real questions are more along the lines of why dont they end it?Fear of being alone?Too lazy to find someone new?Their own fear of commitment?
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RHP User
11 years ago
to be a good mistress? I haven't a clue..... I'm not a good mistress ....I actually suck at it!!! It was complicated right from the start. I was actually still with my husband at the time we met, stuck in a marriage that had been sexless for 8 years. He re awakened me on so many levels...emotionally, sexually. We had an instant connection. Would I have developed feelings had I not been sexually and emotionally starved for so long?? Is it just because he was my first in so long it was inevitable I would feel a bond with him? I hate it that he is not readily available, even resent it at times. I still feel like part of me is being starved... But most of the time I cope.I look at it in the way that its more than I've had in a long time, even if its less than I deserve. Now that I am single If I were to meet some one more available would I move on? If the connection were there of course I would. But for the time being I will take what I can get so to speak. Its not just the sex , I need to feel the emotions he makes me feel, for so long I felt nothing.
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RHP User
11 years ago
I know things change in life - and often are unpredictable, but what help is having rules. My wife and I are only starting this journey as a couple but in my quest to find a friend with benefits one of the main conditions is that I am looking for a friend only - my commitment remains to my wife and family. This is not to say that life might not change in 5 years - and I guess if the Mistress was one for 5 years then during the time all 3 of them the man, the woman and the "other" woman could have moved through their situation with grace and sorted out what they'd like to do - be poly, change their arrangement or ..something else maybe. Oh, wait - the First Woman did not know?!? For 5 years?!? Well - there is THE problem right there! And let me ask another question of your friend, the Mistress - would she be comfortable if she become the "first" woman now? Would she trust her man now that in another 5 years this "problem" would not appear again?
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RHP User
11 years ago
I had a year long affair with a pilot, he bought me gifts all the time. we would meet in a hotel once a fortnight he said those words I love you, over and over and I fell as well, despite myself I just found a box of his love letters that I printed off and forgot I also forgot how full of shit he was. I left him in the end. twice the first time I felt like my heart was being ripped out. in the end I managed and two months after that he left his wife, he was pretty upset but I would not go back to him. Now I am the warm body in the sheets, the woman who warms a mans bed and that's about it. I am going to kill of Tuscan Red, she has become a bit of a cartoon of who I really am. Too many men too little time and too much attention can make for a very bad girl but like Meeka said, I am not going to be everybody's little "experience" and when men are asking my female friends to put in a word for them, its time for me to bugga off. maybe I will come back like my dear friend Aunty Edna, with no pictures and no desires TR heading for the nunnery will my hymen grow over again? I created a monster, the wank bank is over flowing and my ego is the size of the good year blip so if any guy wants to keep me then step up, I have very very very expensive taste. no all good, I am kept by my darling husband, who just came home with a lovely set of pearl earrings I shall let him give me the cum pearl necklace to match
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sweetgem
11 years ago
I am glad that every thing that happened before and after my divorce are now long gone and history! It does feel awesome to be free as a bird! 😀- Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
If you embark on an affair with the married or attached then it is delusional to have any expectations that they will leave their partner, because ,if they do,it may not be for you anyway. Of course it happens but rarely.....you as the mistress/lover are their icing on the cake,bit on the side,because they want something that is missing. There are many married or attached men...women too...here looking for just that. When they have family commitments,children,grandchildren,their time is limited and you must wait your turn...and wait..... I understand that many people are here not just seeking sex but intimacy because that is a lack in their life but if you choose to provide that, be aware that you are probably just a bandaid solution to enable that primary relationship to continue. In my opinion men of a certain age function much better in a traditional relationship,they need a wife....even if there is no sex they will choose to stay,not so with women.Women will iniate the breakup even though he man may have provided her with the reason.... As other posters have said,to be a successful mistress/lover, have no expectations ,don't ''fall in love'',have other lovers...don't put all your eggs in one bastard.....and remember, as Dr.Phil has said,the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour....
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RHP User
11 years ago
I have been a mans lover for 3 years My advice, Lower your expectations And live your life fully Expectations are premeditated resentments I will finish it soon. When I am strong enough. But I will miss our daily chats. The sex. But it is hard to keep emotions in check - Posted from rhpmobile
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On_Safari
11 years ago
"...don't put all your eggs in one bastard.....and remember, as Dr.Phil has said,the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour...." Lol love it!! Indy (aka On_Safari)
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ruby_blossum
11 years ago
Another one I like..."If they do with you,they will do it to you "("They" being man or woman )
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'I_N_D_A_G_I_N_E'"...don't put all your eggs in one bastard.....and remember, as Dr.Phil has said,the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour...." Lol love it!! Indy (aka On_Safari) when I kill of Tuscan Red , I think there needs to be suggestions from the cheap seats on who I should be. going on my road trip end of July give me time to think about it all. holeinone? opensevendsaysaweek? hmmmmm Well I think about the guys in my life, I am their mistress and what are they to me? Is there a male version of a Mistress? ohh yeah the lawn mowing man? The trick is a balance , yes the company is great, the pillow talk before and after good intimate sex. Keep it to a few good men, not just one, as less chance of falling in love. Ask yourself Why? what is it that I lack , what is it that a single man cant give me? Or stop thinking and just do what you need to do at this point in time. The only place we can live is in the now, but you can also think a little forward in where will this path take me. I have been on the path of fucking my brains out, now I need to find my brains again and go on the path of a few good men that I can have the conversation and the cuddle with after sex. Perhaps that is what being a Mistress is, its a FWB. Its ongoing sex rather than the one night stand. Being a Mistress is easy, being the wife and girlfriend is the hard bit, or being the husband or boyfriend for that matter. So a bit of fluff on the side is a distraction from our every day reality.
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On_Safari
11 years ago
You oft remind me of the Scarlet Woman in Under the Tuscan Sun (the sexy sultry older blonde lady who they fished out from under the fountain!!). I will ponder your conundrum in the search for a new "handle". Lol would help if I was closer for a tea party, I love being inspired!! Haha and putting my feet up on a young man's back as he kneels before me naked drinking tea and chatting with you all would just about do the trick I reckon. Kisses Indy (but always your On_Safari). Might cure me of a few other inhibitions too. Lol
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'I_N_D_A_G_I_N_E'You oft remind me of the Scarlet Woman in Under the Tuscan Sun (the sexy sultry older blonde lady who they fished out from under the fountain!!). I will ponder your conundrum in the search for a new "handle". Lol would help if I was closer for a tea party, I love being inspired!! Haha and putting my feet up on a young man's back as he kneels before me naked drinking tea and chatting with you all would just about do the trick I reckon. Kisses Indy (but always your On_Safari). Might cure me of a few other inhibitions too. Lol oh Rhett , stop slapping me around cause I do give a dam and Clark we all know you batt for the other team anyway... now I am off to have a fit of the vapours nope got to give an art lecture, tooodaloooo and bugga mammy did my corset to tight
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RHP User
11 years ago
Thanks Forumites: As in all relationships i think it ultimately comes down to communication and expectations. You are correct in saying that if both people's needs are being met then it can be a great situation. The danger is always in the detail, life rarely flows along on a predictible path, and sometimes the situation you thought you signed on for is not the one you find yourself in down the track. I've realised my largest issue with this type of arrangement is essentially that I've never been happy to sit back and wait to be given or offered something. I always make active decisions about what i want and then pursue exactly that. I ask for what i want and i expect to receive it - might sound arrogant to some but the truth is life is far too short to settle for anything less than what you want from it.
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