F50
The Together Apart Relationship / LAT (Living Apart Together)
March 05 2017
Comments
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RHP User
8 years ago
I would and could entertain now. My life is full, a partner would be a bonus, a joy, but not a necessity and the older I get, the more set in my ways I am becoming And although Id be prepared to compromise to a degree, living together full time 24/7 is not what I believe would be beneficial for my mental and emotional health nor our relationship, long term. I need and want my own space, my down time, without justification. This may change when I'm in my 60's or older but that's a way off yet, and I guess the beauty of life is that if we are open minded, then we can be open to change. I've have done this type of relationship before and it did work beautifully but we split due to other issues . During our time together ( 5 years) he grew tremendously as a person and so did I. We hung out together because we genuinely wanted to not because we felt confined by finances, children or other day to day obligations. It was exciting seeing each other each time and it was good to keep a bit of mystique going as well and we definitely didn't take each other for granted. But that's the key to any time you spend with anyone, be it casually or 24/7, never taking each other for granted.
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PurePeony
8 years ago
Thanks for your post! I'm so glad that there's someone else out there who believes in the Together Apart / LAT!
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EarthQueen
8 years ago
Best of both worlds. It makes a lot of sense to me. I like my own space and its important to me. I need a partner who can understand this rather than see it as some kind of personal rejection. I also need time with my kids and friends without someone else in the mix. I love your comment Kitty. We hung out together because we genuinely wanted to not because we felt confined by finances, children or other day to day obligations. It was exciting seeing each other each time and it was good to keep a bit of mystique going as well and we definitely didn't take each other for granted. I know a couple who did just this for years with lots of success. They were both busy people with full lives and many interests. They lived about half an hour away from each other and always looked so happy together. They ended up getting married a year ago and not sure how they work it now as I haven't seen them in a while. They both have kept their seperate places though. I also know another couple who have lived this way for years. Again they seem happy. The do weekends and holidays together.
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Eiliethiya
8 years ago
I were ever to meet someone I'd consider any type of 'relationship' with...this would be how I'd do it too.I actually have 2 (female) friends in their late 40's in this type of relationship. For all intents and purposes they are a couple with the men that the've met. They just have their own seperate homes and they have no intention of ever living together. They see eachother during the week occassionaly, spend weekends together and holiday together. They love their partners, just don't intend to get married and cohabit together. This seems like the perfect arrangement to me. I've had my own place/space for 4yrs now, after 16yrs living with the same person since I was 19, and I love it. I don't think I could ever go back to sharing my space 24/7 with someone. Not because I wouldn't love them, but at almost 40, I'm now stubbornly set in my own ways and I like my alone/me time too.
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RHP User
8 years ago
But I like intimacy. Waking up and getting a huge hug. Sitting chatting over breakfast and dinner. But then Im older so quite comfortable having someone in my life again. He has his own time when he wants, as do I, but at the end of the night we are sleeping together. How you conduct your relationship is up to both of you .....just do what you are both happy doing.
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PurePeony
8 years ago
Just a clarification - people in Together Apart / LAT relationships do enjoy sleepovers, morning sex, sharing breakfast together, etc. It just doesn't happen every single day and so the novelty never wears off in a way. When it happens, it's a real treat and on the days that it can't occur, there's the anticipation building up to when it can happen.
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PurePeony
8 years ago
Seems that there's a real trend towards the LAT, eh? It does make perfect sense in so many ways.
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RHP User
8 years ago
I dont see my guy that often as he works away a lot. So we make the most of our time together. I dont know how it would be if he was home every night but I dont think the LAT would be for me. I like waking up every morning to arms around me, we are very comfortable being around each other and I think the fact that we were both set in our ways after a split and unexpectedly found someone again has been a nice surprise and we are enjoying every minute of it. We are happy living like this...its suits us both. When we lived apart he would call me and we would chat for up to 3 hours each night. I would rather be chatting to him right next to me. Its a great arrangement for a lot of people, especially in todays busy world, but for me, I prefer living together xx
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Bazingal
8 years ago
and completely understand it would work so well for some. It's just not for me. I want to be with my partner whenever I can. And I'd like to think my partner and I have our own space/time whenever needed regardless of living under the same roof or not. We have varied interests and can pursue those without the other tagging along. I'd be mindful of the costs associated with running two homes when you could be using that money to enjoy life together more; dinners, shows, holidays. I know not everyone would see it that way, it's just my two cents.
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RHP User
8 years ago
that this will be the future of my current relationship due to various factors. It somewhat bothers me but what can you do. At the same time I do like my independence and space so I think it may just work.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Sounds perfect to me..I suffer from emotional claustrophobia I think..So if I ever found someone to be my partner this arrangement would definitely suit me Q
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PurePeony
8 years ago
I often wished I'd have a close relationship like you have. :) Sadly, after too many negative experiences, the most recent one making me feel horrendously gullible and deceived for allowing myself to be vulnerable and trusting whilst still in deep grief and mourning over mum's demise, I've become hardened for now. I want to believe in love, but I no longer do atm. Maybe someday I'll believe in love again. But until I meet a man who is worthy of that level of trust, I'll have to make-do with a rational plan that is self-protective and that works. I can't afford to fall apart and the LAT can be a safeguard of sorts.
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RHP User
8 years ago
I was very hurt and disappointed when my ex left. Swore off serious relationships and had made up my mind not to let anyone in ever again. We try and protect ourselves so that we never, ever feel so awful again. I was doing fine on my own. So all I can say is , never say never. All I know is that Ive had a chance of happiness with this man ( I tell him hes my surprise guy ) and whether its for a while or forever Im grabbing it with both hands so to speak! xxI sincerely hope you get another chance too xx
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RHP User
8 years ago
Hmmm. Theres a noticeable absence of male opinion here. Itd be nice to read their view on this interesting topic. To be honest I hadnt heard of the term/acronym for such a lifestyle choice. Im assuming this kind of relationship model would be monogamous? Or if not would one then use LAT open relationship lol. - Posted from rhpmobile
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Lovinit28andKC72
8 years ago
I think for me, I haven't lived with anyone apart from my children for nearly 9 years. I actually like me so I don't mind being alone, I love my own space, I love my independence and so does KC. So we have our own homes and we spend weekends together and some weekdays when we can. Yes, I miss him when we aren't together but that makes when we are together a little bit more special.💋
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AnnieWhichway
8 years ago
Married twice before. There wont be a third or defacto. Tried this arrangement for 12 months with gf and found it perfect. Still need to work at it with daily communication of at least some daily text and phone call every second day or whenever appropriate. This will be the setup for me. Then maybe nursing home rooms on opposite sides of complex.....
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PurePeony
8 years ago
Hahaha! Nursing home rooms! Never thought this far but that's an amusing idea! ;)
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RHP User
8 years ago
I feel it would have to be extraordinarily circumstances for a couple to do that. Employment, prior kids would be the main ones. What Loveinit28 do sounds like there is some-sort of routine or that you know when you are seeing one another next so something to so look forward too I don't believe that this would be something that is continually done, well I feel I could not do this and would go down the road of communication and compromise by myself and other to have and build a relationship together.. I saw something once that a multi-millionaire build one house with two main bedrooms for him and his wife and they loved it. Thought it was what rich people do.....buy love LOL
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PurePeony
8 years ago
You're right! Where are the males? :P I suppose they see the word "Relationship" in the thread title and ran for the hills for dear life! LOL! :P I think the concept is meant to be a committed and monogamous relationship. But I'm sure there are customised variations of it to suit various lifestyle preferences. ;)
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Eiliethiya
8 years ago
Quoting 'AnnieWhichway' This will be the setup for me. Then maybe nursing home rooms on opposite sides of complex..... You jest...but I know of a situation like this! My parent's have a house in an over 60's gated community and there is an older couple that live in houses opposite each other. They won't move in together because they like their own space, and they've said at their age anything could happen any day. And they don't want there to be any confusion or fighting if either were to pass away, they don't want their respective children missing out on their inheritance.
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voyor
8 years ago
It depends on the stage of your life. At my age, if I was starting over again with a women I love I think a LAT relationship would be good. You have independence and are responsible for looking after yourself.You can have weekends and holidays together, got out together when you want to and do the interesting and exciting things together. Catching up would be something to look forward to.Be together because you want to be, not because you are just there.You would try harder to treat each other well.Probably spend more quality time together.Not being tied by children and finances, if it is not working, it is easier to move on. You know the person is not staying with you for financial reasons. I think a LAT relationship would work provided you have honest non judgemental communication, similar goals and sexual attraction.
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RHP User
8 years ago
For Frieda and Diego and it works for us. Just need to stay focused on maintaining intimacy - and that's not just about sex. Xx
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PurePeony
8 years ago
A multi-millionaire? He should've built a house with shared common areas and then a left wing and a right wing - one each! :D
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PurePeony
8 years ago
...to come across so many people who share similar thoughts and inclinations with regards to the Together Apart relationship. Politicians had best keep up with this trend because in a few years, you'll have more and more singles and if tax breaks are only given to couples, there'll be rising discontent.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Until you get to the....."So who's was that car in your driveway all night ?" Part.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Everything about it sounds very appealing as many of us who are older and supposedly wiser find it very difficult to discover the 'true soulmate' who we must spend every waking moment of our lives with. This probabaly goes against every standard of relationships that are defined by neo-classical religious beliefs, but maybe a large part of the growth in living-apart relationships has to do with religion being seen for the hypocracy and fallacy for which it is, and choosing their own path in life rather than a 'goddy' wedding/marriage 'contract' path. Just saying - others may disagree.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Ok, so my husband and I are living this scenario. Admittedly it came about as we had separated. However we realised very quickly that we loved each other too much to break up. However, the location of our home and Mr's work was proving an issue, as well as even though we came back together he had signed a lease. Which brings us to now, a few months later. I find that this situation has both pros and cons. We have a young family so it can be difficult for me taking care of the kids essentially solo as well as working full time. And they do of course miss their dad, however he makes regular visits home on his days off which are so much more quality now. Basically we live just like FIFO families, only that it is an hour or so drive away. Mr is a shift worker so it works alot better for him to have peace and quiet in between shifts and be close to work. I also enjoy having my own space again too, like many have mentioned, I was single and lived alone for a long time before we met, never realised how much I missed my own space til I got it back!! I will say that having time apart has been very healthy for us, and makes the time we are together so much better!! Believe it or not it has helped bring us closer!! And also has revived some of the "new relationship" things that had been lost, ie. flirty texts, sending sexy pics, etc. Add to that, Mr having a small bachelor pad so to speak is rather handy should we get a chance to play as I am not keen on having playmates over in our family home, it gives us our "adult" place so to speak. Anyway, thats my two cents and our experience :) This living arrangement definitely takes ALOT of trust, and isn't always rosy. It may not be for everyone, but it is working well for us so far :)
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PurePeony
8 years ago
That's where you got it wrong. The Together Apart relationship is meant to operate within the framework of a committed relationship. Like any conventional relationship, if one partner lacks integrity and chooses to cheat and abuse the trust of their partner, they don't need an LAT to do that - even in a normal relationship, they'll still find ways and means to sneak around.
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RHP User
8 years ago
It is a bit hard to achieve in Sydney with the cost of housing. :(
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PurePeony
8 years ago
Zonavar and AandEJustForFun, thank you both for sharing your opinion. AandE, really love reading your real-life example of a Together Apart Relationship. I think when we get to a certain age, old habits really die hard. Things like, if you are a pack rat, it will be terribly hard for you to become a Zen rat and suddenly become minimalist. It's already hard enough to meet someone compatible, but to try to modify ingrained lifestyle habits just makes everything way too hard. I think in cases where a pack rat falls in love with a neat freak, the LAT can help keep each other's sanity intact. No one ends up nagging or being nagged. Whenever the two meet, it's for good conversation, hugs, cuddles and play. Totally positive.
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RHP User
8 years ago
I honestly cannot envision any other kind of relationship working for me now. I have a job with long hours, kids at home half the time and I really, really enjoy my own space. I want the time I spend with a partner to be deliberate, not the daily hum-drum of domesticity. I get that some people enjoy that togetherness, but I really find little value in it. I would prefer to spend time together when we actually have time to devote to each other doing things we enjoy. You can keep the early morning bathroom shuffle and the tired-and-cranky-after-a-shitty-day stuff.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Have had an experience with an ex girlfriend that was a LAT. It can work providing both parties are happy with there living arrangements. I was in a normal vanilla relationship even though we actually set up a couple profile here on the pie.The only issue that I experienced with my ex was her own trust insecurities.She would constantly try to catch me out or test me even though I was completely faithful, I wasn't even remotely Intrested in anyone else. (Even though she lived with her ex husband due to her kids.) Not ideal but her choice. Having seperate lives can be ideal for some but I to like (champagne) like to wake up next to someone. It's just got to be the right one. I'm very cautious and fear I will never love again even though that's all I want. Coming from someone who has lost 2 wives and 2 homes in 25 year's. Another 7 year's to get my own again I'm afraid to commit in fear of my heart being broken and losing my 3rd home. So a LAT is more suited for now. But the feeling of being in love and loved back is inmeasurable. Just a shame we have to worry about losing everything when it goes pearshape. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
" To be honest I haven't heard of the term/acronym for such a lifestyle choice. I'm assuming this kind of relationship model would be monogamous? Or if not would one then use LAT open relationship.lol." 😍😍😍😂😂😂 Gold 😂😂😂😍😍😍 As long as your open and honest then there is plenty of love to go around. 😂 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
I actually mentioned to a lover I would Iove to have us buy seperate houses close to each other to maintain our identity and keep spark alive. But sometimes when you have careers where you work away it may give you that same feeling???? Hmmm so maximise wealth, rent one and live in one and have sneaky sex together in rental when opportunities arise lol sorry my imagination is running wild :) - Posted from rhpmobile
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